Poor Tyler Clementi. Denied dignity and privacy in his all too short life on Earth, it would seem as if this world were reaching all the way into the next to deprive him of it there. For, in its sleazoid way to secure clemency for the detestable Dahrun Ravi, his defense team is seeking to besmirch not only Tyler, but anyone associated with him, in the latest development his mother.
The latest allegations state that, about three weeks before heading off to Rutgers, Tyler Clementi came out to his family, about his sexuality. Which immediately strikes me as pretty gutsy and self-confident; in MY day, I can't think of anyone brave enough or secure enough to come out to their parents at that age. Certainly not yours truly.
If what went down is to be believed, the Clementi men--father and brothers--took it OK. Mrs. Clementi was rather negative. In Tyler's own online words, "My mother has completely rejected me."
I would like to state right here we do not know either side. Only Tyler, and, in his wake, the rest of the Clementis, know that for sure. But I can hazard a hypothesis.
Tyler, for all his self confidence, was still a tender and inexperienced 18. While his mother was for sure not thrilled with the news (few parents are) perhaps this negativity stemmed from a bit of concern. Tyler's mother was a nurse, and knew full well the health concerns affecting the Gay community, and I am sure she did not want to see him succumb to these. I can tell you, from personal experience, that, at 18, no matter how enlightened one is, you do not yet have a true sense of your own mortality; a feeling of invincibility and "it can't happen to me" still prevails. I would guess Tyler, to some degree, possessed this.
Not only is it important not to demonize Tyler, but his mother, as well. As one source pointed out, with this allegation she is unwillingly about to become the poster child for what not to do when your Gay child comes out, and she may not merit that. She is carrying the burden of her son's suicide; how much worse can it get????
After all, when things started tanking, and Tyler went noticeably missing, it was she who called the school to find out what was going on. Which does not sound like an uncaring parent to me. Nor do the lines of grief I see forever etched into every photo having been taken of her.
I think of several personal experiences in particular.
The first is, what if I had been a parent; how would I have handled a coming out? I can tell you, though gay, it is not easy. I think my response would be the same as the child telling me they wanted to go into show business; I would tell them to make sure they are certain--about both. What I am about to say next (at least some) has been debated interminably, but I am going to add further--I believe one does not choose homosexuality, it chooses you. And that goes also, darlings, for show business!!!!!!
The second-- well, my ongoing readers know the tale of my interfering, homophobic White Trash uncle, and the outcome of all that interference, which I still carry to this day.
But I don't think I have mentioned my cousin, Patty, several years older than I. Back in the late seventies, in her mid-twenties, she married this fellow, named John. Patty, like me, had been raised Roman Catholic. John had not. He was not interested in converting to the faith, nor was he even interested in being wed in the Catholic church. But her own parents (may they Rest In Peace) told her that if the wedding were not done in a Catholic church, they would disown her!!!!! And, of course, this, and what more I have to relate, came out years after the fact, as this was a family where, God forbid, anything should be talked about!!!!!!
So Patty and John were married, bought a house, and settled down in their local Florida area. Several years later, we learned, John had been transferred north--to Georgia or the Carolinas--and went on ahead. Patty would sell the house, then join him. Before I knew it, too much time had elapsed for this to be plausible, I wondered, so did everyone else. I once asked my father, and when he asked her parents (her mother was my father's sister) was told "We ask her, too, but she never tells us anything!" Uh-huh!!!!!! That statement, and pieces I was able to piece together from contact over the years, told me what I needed to know--Patty was/is a lesbian. OK by me. BUT if her parents would disown her for marrying outside the Church, you can imagine how this scenario would have played out. Even my own father eventually said to me, "I think Patty is 'that way.'" Like...yeah????????????
No one ever really talks about Patty Or myself. But as far as things are concerned, her parents just went on maintaining a relationship, with her keeping silent, and them looking the other way. I am convinced this aunt and uncle went to their graves knowing, deep down the truth, but that to verbalize it would in some way destroy the illusion of their family!!!! Or at least their illusion of their daughter, and firstborn!!!!!!
Which goes to say that no parent, no matter how enlightened, handles such intimate knowledge of their child well. Getting back to Tyler, the defense team would have one believe that matters beyond the Rutgers Busch campus had been on his mind, leading to his tragic demise. I have no doubt the first part of that statement is correct. But you cannot refute that the webcam spying was the added fuel that set off the fire. Every gay youth crosses this point with parents eventually, often with both parties coming to terms, even if it takes awhile. This would surely have been the case with the Clementis. What it tell me about Tyler was how, at that point, he was looking to the future; one when he might meet someone he liked, enough to bring home to the family, and he wanted them prepared. But then you have Dahrun Ravi, cast here in a role similar to--for comparison sake--with my interfering uncle, stepping in, uninvited, which was enough to push this young man over the edge. In my case, it only earned my everlasting anger toward this man, thankfully deceased, and his second daughter, who is just like him!!!!! At least, I am still here.
Blame, blame, blame! Tyler, Mrs. Clementi--when does it stop???? Parental or familial homophobia can have all sorts of consequences, as I have shown. The Clementi case has presented the most dire. Tyler was denied the right to his own individuality in this Life; give it to him, in the Next!!!!!!
Stop demonizing the victims, and examine the victimizer. I have, and what I see in every photo is smug arrogance that needs to be knocked out of him. If an acting coach told Ravi to facially portray arrogance, he could not give a better performance than what he is giving now. Except it is not a performance; it is the way he is!!!!!!!
How much more will Tyler and the Clementis be made to suffer???? How much more will it be allowed? I say it stops RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!! Give them all the justice they deserve!!!!!!!!!!!
And wipe that self-satisfied smirk off your face, Dahrun!!!!!!!!!!!
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