I am telling you, girls, the Festive Christmas just isn't what it used to be. No more tiny tots, with Anticipatory Sleep Disorder. No more dancing sugar plums. And no more Toyland Town around the Christmas tree, because I happen to be both too old for them, and uninformed about what the hot thing on the market is!!!!!!!!!
Nevertheless, Christmas started with a bang!!!!! Literally! Monsieur and I made it to Norristown, PA, the eve of the 23rd. At 6:15 , the morning of the 25th, Christmas, I awoke, needing, as I usually do, at that hour, to relieve my bladder. My sister's house is in a rural and suburban location. There is a front yard, with sidewalks, and a cul-de-sac; out back a huge yard, beautifully landscaped and fenced in, behind which are woods, where lurking deer occasionally leap over the fence, and nibble at the bird seed in my sister's feeders. Forget "Bambi," honey; these deer are not a bit afraid. My sister bangs the window, yells, but they just flit their tails and continue what they are doing!!!!!!!!!
All of which is by way of saying that when the lights go out, the house is incredibly dark. Kind of like Satis House, and Miss Havisham, which you know I love. Well, Miss Havisham at least lit candles; I did not. Because, when I arose from my bed, to open the door and walk out the hall, to the bathroom next door, I gauged wrong. Instead of walking to the door and turning the knob, I slammed right into the wall, adjacent to it!! CRASH!!!!!!!! I woke Monsieur out of a sound sleep--which takes a lot!!!!--and my poor sister was out in the hallway, because she thought our 98-year-old father, who was sleeping down the hall, had fallen, and, mentally she was already dialing 911, convinced Christmas Day for us was going to be spending it in the hospital Emergency Room! What a way to start the day, dolls!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The rest was routine! We experienced the Miracle Of Jesus, the night before, at Christmas Eve Mass, and on said day we awaited the coming of my nephew Jonathan and his family. They arrived amazingly early, for them, the children were delightful, but Jonathan's wife sounded like Fantine in her death scene in "Les Miserables." and Jonathan sounded like he was getting sick, so we all worried we were now inhabiting a House of Pestilence that would infect us all! So far, no go! But my aged father had to ride back to his Villa (where he resides) in this germ ridden car. Hope he is OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now comes the piece de resistance! We get up, on the 26th, to take our usual 10 AM bus back to NYC, which I could not wait to get back to! Imagine our surprise, when we discovered we were off by an hour; the bus had departed at nine, because it was a weekday, and we generally do this trip on weekends!!!!!!!!!! The next bus was not till 5PM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What could we do? We went back to my sister's, and waited. The day went amazingly fast, especially as we were concerned about my nephew Matthew and his wife, Cindy, getting to Johnstown, PA, in a snowstorm!!!!!!!!! There was a car pileup, and the trip took them 5 hours; they did not get there until 5:30, with Cindy's overbearing father fit to be tied!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not to worry; we had our own drama. We got to the bus terminal at around 4:30. At 5PM, a Greyhound bus pulled in, empty, and people ran to it, like the Russians fleeing Moscow during the revolution in "Doctor Zhivago!!!!!!!!!!" It turned out to be the wrong bus!!!!!!!!! When the right one pulled in, there was so much pushing and shoving, and fighting in line, especially from two women who would have given Nasty hostess at Demarchelier a run for their money!!!!!! I put them in their place, and I and then the bus driver gave it to me for my attitude! Honey, he hasn't even seen my attitude! As it turned out, we got the last two seats on the bus. Would you believe we had an aisle full of standees????? Or some who sat???? Which is entirely illegal!!!!!!!!!!!! I felt bad for them, especially one tall, heavyset guy, whose back, I think went out. I was afraid we were going have to pull over and do something to help him, but our incompetent bus driver turned on the lights for a second, and that's it!!!! I heard grumblings, and I think others, like us, are going to complain to Bieber, the bus company!!!! Bieber means Bitch, darlings; we always have some problem with them, at Christmas!!!!!!!!!! Why couldn't we have had a second bus???? Or why couldn't some of us been siphoned onto Greyhound, which was also going to New York?????? Nerts to you, Bieber!!!!!!!!!!
Inevitably, when we got real close to Manhattan, traffic backed up. Understood. But, when we finally get inside the Lincoln Tunnel, why did the dumb driver pick the slowest lane to drive in??? Maybe because he wasn't sure of his driving skill???? Because, let me tell you, every other bus in that tunnel with us, sailed right past us!!!! The crust!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So , what should have been a 90 minute to two hours trip took three. All of us arrived wet, limp, and emotionally drained!!!! Fuck You!, from Bieber! Those were their Holiday wishes to we, their paying public.
By comparison, the city subway system was civilized and relaxing. When we walked into our Bay Ridge apartment at 9:30 that night, I was never more glad to be done with the day! Of course I followed it with a migraine the next morning! The stress, darlings! You know, I'm just a shy, retiring thing, like Joan Fontaine in "Rebecca!!!!!!!!!!!"
It was the Bus Ride From Hell! You would have thought Mrs. Danvers had made all the arrangements!!!!!!!!!!! And maybe she did, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's not Mrs. D, it's Bieber! Even during non-holidays., out of the two trips we have to take, coming or going, one is inevitably good, the other bad! There is just no predicting which!!!!!!!!!!
Merry Christmas, Darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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