What an artistic spectrum we had, this weekend, girls! From the artistic brilliance of "Philomena," to the indescribable awfulness--and barely watchable--of 1999's "Camp Blood." This was a film that, without doubt, went straight to video, because no distributor in their right mind would touch it. It looks like it is a home movie by a group of jerky college students, and that is probably what it is. Someone is credited with writing a script, but my favorite credit is "Music by Ghost." The composer, having seen the rough cut, probably wanted his or her name removed from even this piece of crap, which, I assure you, very few people have seen.
It is clear that the filmmakers have seen a lot of horror and slasher films. because there are homages to "Friday, The 13th," "The Blair Witch Project," and "It" scattered throughout. There is absolutely no originality at work here, except for the fact that the lead couple, driving the car (Tim Young and Bethany Zolt, as Jay and Nicole!!!!!!) who are portrayed as being presumably heterosexual, seem to be struggling with their sexuality throughout the course of the film.
But I am getting ahead of myself. "Camp Blood" starts off in typical fashion, with a group of campers (the two mentioned, plus Jennifer Ritchkoff, as Tricia and Michael Taylor, as Steve, the only hot guy!!!!!!!!!) going on a trip into a wooded enclave known as Camp Blackwood, but renamed Camp Blood by the locals. There is the first F13 homage.
Along the way, they encounter a local yokel named Mr. Thatcher (played by Joseph Haggerty, who is clearly this film's counterpart to F13's Crazy Ralph. However, Ralph was a lovable eccentric, who turned out to be telling the truth. Thatcher tells part of the truth, but turns out to be far more dangerous than Ralph, who was only a harm to himself.
Thatcher tells them not to go to Camp Blood, hints about bad things happening there, at first refuses to give them directions, then capitulates. His final words, heard only by Tricia, are "Say hello to the Clown, for me!"
When they arrive, they are finally met by their guide, Harris, who turns out to be a woman, (played by Courtney Taylor as a butch lesbian this side of Henrietta Hudson Bar here in Manhattan!!!!!!!!!) and Jay, who, from the beginning is supposed to be straight, but has been behaving like a bitchy queen ever since he came on camera, says to Harris that had he known she was a woman, he would not have hired her! Meanwhile, Nicole is slightly pissed at Jay, but impressed when Harris comes back and puts this closet case in his place.
Which is why the scene of Jay and Nicole humping away at night makes no sense, as these two are so sexually confused. Perhaps Nicole was getting through it by fantasizing about Harris, and Jay was thinking about Steve, the only hunk in the film. For male viewers who are straight, so much is seen of Nicole's boobies, this verges on being soft core porn. Some viewers will love that. But, you know me, darlings, I am with Neely O'Hara--"Boobies, boobies, boobies! Who needs 'em? I did great without 'em!!!!!!" I sure did, darlings, I can tell you.
When Harris is first asked about the Clown legend, she professes never having heard of it. But, over the campfire, she tells them about it, and the next morning, her charred remains are found dead. There is another F13 homage, when Tricia finds Steve's corpse falling in front of her, upside down, hanging from a tree! And, of course, the whole lost in the woods motif is from "The Blair Witch Project."
But then things get murky. Who is the killer? It seems to be Harris in a clown mask, but what about the murders, years before? Harris would have been too young. And why is Mr. Thatcher suddenly an accomplice, then runs over her?
My interpretation is that Thatcher was the original clown. Harris is his daughter, with whom he has had an incestuous relationship, which has done its usual damage, but she also continues Daddy's murderous legacy. But this you have to decide for yourself, because there are no explanations given. No one ever said the slasher/horror genre has to be long on logic, but the better ones do have a certain, credible amount of it that gives sense to the plot. Not so here.
And the film ends in a ripoff of F13. Tricia, who survives, awakens, sedated, in a hospital, which looks more like a revivalist tent, and hallucinates the Clown coming after her again!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just like Alice, with Jason!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I am telling you, they don't get the mileage they should have out of the idea of the crazy lesbian clown!!!!!!!!! There is more promise there, than fulfillment.
But this reminds me of some of the crazy lesbians I have dealt with in my time. Like the two bulldykes who lived next door to me, years ago, at Bergen Place. I would be in my room reading, when suddenly one of them would bang the walls, which would shake all the way to my apartment, (which was perpendicular to them!!!!!!!!!) and start screaming, "Where the hell is my birthday card? Give my my goddamn birthday card!!!!!!!!!" All the fights were about birthday cards; my theory was they drank, or more, and could not remember anything. As I worked during the day, I was not privy to went on while I was away; apparently the rest of the tenants found them annoying enough to get them evicted, and when they left, they wrote, in lipstick, all over the mirrors and walls, "Fuck You!"
Charming, huh?????????????????????
And now tonight, there is another crazy lesbian. This one I cannot wait to see!!!!!!!!!!. On the "Obsession--Dark Desires" series on ID, entitled "Just A Wall Away," a woman moves into a bargain apartment, where, she begins getting screamed at through the wall by an obese, butch British woman, who you just know is a lesbian, and comes after her in her car, laughing maniacally. I would love to know the actress who plays this role; she must have had the time of her life! Hell, I would have loved to play that, too! What a stretch for me, as an actor--a maniacal, butch lesbian!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Girls, I cannot wait! I will tell you all about it, tomorrow!
But I warn you---steer clear of those goddamn beans n' franks lesbians!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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