Hi, girls, and boys, especially gay men! Time for another marriage session. Today, the most outrageous points of Nos. 42 through 73 will be covered, finishing the section on "How To Let Him Know You Are There," then continuing with "How To Look Good To Him," then segueing into "How To Land Him." Blast off, dolls; this should be fun.
So--Here we are still in "How To Let Him Know You Are There!"
44. Learn How To Bake Tasty Apple Pies. Bring One In To The Office, And Let The Eligible Bachelors Taste It.--Great idea! The only problem is how to keep the pie away from the marital slobs, because, believe me, those pigs will dig into anything not cooked by their wives, whose culinary limits bore them already. If you can regulate the crowd, you might stand a chance. Only, don't count on it!
46. If There Is A Wallflower Among The Men, Why Not Cultivate Him?
For All You Know, He May Be A Diamond In The Rough!--Paddy Chayefsky's "Marty" makes this a possibility. But, these days, if he is living with his parents, and has no outside interests, forget it! He isn't gay, he is just insular! Romantic partners are just too outside for him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, Now we come to the section, entitled "How To Look Good To Him!" This should be a riot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
49. Get Better Looking Glasses--Men Still Make Passes At Girls Who Wear Glasses--Or Try Contact Lenses--The thing here, is to get rid of those spinster looking orbs. And you all know what I mean! You don't want to get mistaken for a librarian! Think "Citizen Kane." Unless she was lesbian, which was a strong possibility, that woman never stood a chance!
52. Wear High Heels Most Of The Time--They're Sexier!--This is a premise handed down from the dance world--abusive feet lead to sex appeal. Risk pain for gain! Darlings, this is one step short from the Pearl S. Buck notion of Chinese wives tying their feet together, and walking behind their man. If you want marriage, a la "The Good Earth," or "Flower Drum Song," then fine. But think before you let those feet take over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
54. Tell Him He's Handsome!--Even if he is not, lie, Lie, LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Remember, your goal is a ring and that house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
55. Take Good Care Of You Health. Men Don't Like Girls Who Are Ill!--Sure it is romantic in "La Boheme," but there is always a curtain call!!!! Men can't take care of themselves when they are ill, so girls have to be their healthiest. Have a child, then get up and make the guy a sandwich!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
59. Watch Your Vocabulary!--Don't appear to be smarter than he! Spring it on him after the wedding, but, before do the "Who, me?" bit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
64. Buy A Full Length Mirror, And Take A Good Look At Yourself Before Greeting Him!--This has nothing to do with being the Wicked Queen from "Snow White!" It has to do with maintaining your appearance. Jennifer Jones was known to do this throughout her party evenings, and changed outfits, even, and look where it got her! Even without Jones' looks, success can come from mirror watching. Narcissism never hurt anyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
66. Get That Fresh Scrubbed Look, By Scrubbing--Moisturize, Deodorize, Accessorize! That has been my mantra since puberty!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It finally worked for me, and, darlings, it will work for you!
69. Use The Ash Tray. Don't Crush Out Cigarettes In Coffee Cups!--This could get you mistaken as a Girl From The Wrong Side Of The Tracks, and then your chances are nil. Take a cue from Linda Darnell in "A Letter To Three Lives," who WAS from the Wrong Side Of The Tracks, yet knew all the rules for proper behavior!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
71. Stick To Your Moral Standards!--Which means, have some! As the song says, "Good girls do just what Mama says, when Mama's not around!"
Now, we get to "How To Land Him!"
73. Show Him You Can Have Fun On A Cheap Date--But Don't Overdo It!-This means, don't let him think a quick meal at Burger King will land him in your panties!!!!!!!!!! No way, Jose! Insist on a table clothed place one cut above a diner, and nothing further than hugging and French kissing!
That wraps it up, for today. Now, a psychological evaluation. Is THIS what you really want????????????
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