I did promise you I would write more on this topic. I may have to consult the actual text, because it is so hard to read on here, But what is becoming clearer to me is the timelessness of these suggestions. Back in 1958, they applied directly to women. Now, sixty years later, they are equally applicable to gay men. We've come a long way, baby!
The first posts covered the first 13--but only the most outrageous ones. This post will cover numbers 14 through 41, finishing up the "Where To Find Him" section, and going into "How To Let Him Know You're There!"
So, gather round, boys and boys, or, girls, should you prefer to label yourselves as such! Here we go, with your marital template!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
16. Volunteer For Jury Duty--Are you freaking kidding me? You know how many nuts end up on jury duty? This is one place NOT to find a husband. And, if you do, you have found yourself a loser. Jury Duty may be a repository for the lonely, but it is designed to fill time, not spark romantic attachments!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
17. Be Friendly To Ugly Men--Handsome Is As Handsome Does!-- Of course, this does not mean going after psycho trolls. It is a polite way of saying "Stop thinking of yourself as God's gifts, and lower your expectations to a grounded reality. I mean, if you are Ernest Borgnine as Marty, you are not going to end up with Grace Kelly!!!!!!!!!!!!! Attractiveness is both outside and in--embrace both, hons, or you do not stand a chance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
19. Get Lost At Football Games--Say, what? And have to sit through the whole damn thing? Listen, it may get you drunk, it may even get you laid, but it is NOT going to get a ring on your finger. Men at these events are beasts who are either already married, or who have only one thing on their minds--and I don't mean kitty cats! Forget this one, at once!
20. Don't Take A Job In A Company Run Largely By Women--You won't be able to stand it, believe me! Of course, if you are a lesbian, you stand a small chance, but these career bitches have no life except what is before them! And you, girls, want a life outside the office!
A house, a pool, a bikini figure. I am telling you, it is what we all aim for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
23. Go To All The Reunions Of Your High School And College Classes. There May Be Some Eligible Widowers There!--This is SO wrong! I mean, if you could not stand some of these people when young, what makes you think things will improve once you are older? Remember, we are not talking about social chatting at a casual reunion; we are talking about living with someone 24/7. Just because a connection, when there was never one before, springs up between you and a former rival, don't make the mistake of walking down that aisle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is definitely a NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
25. Don't Be Afraid To Associate With More Attractive Girls. They May Have Some Leftovers!--Again, what are you, chopped liver? Why settle for sloppy seconds? The only thing you might glean is how to dress and do your hair better. And how much weight to lose. But if you pick one of their losers, you will regret it big time, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
28. Change Apartments From Time To Time--Are you kidding me? In the Fifties, this would have gotten you labeled as a prostitute, gun moll, or racketeer. Today, in THIS economy, who can afford to apartment hop? Because, if you can, then, honey, you have enough dough to land a live one by yourself, even if it is for money alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
29. When Traveling, Stay At Small Hotels Where You Can Meet Strangers--Read "A Streetcar Named Desire," by Tennessee Williams. Remember what happens to Blanche Du Bois, after staying at "The Tarantula Arms." That is all I have to say.
30. Learn To Paint. Set Up An Easel By An Engineering School--I simply LOVE this suggestion. Learning to paint is not a bad idea, in and of itself, but cruising outside an engineering school is bound to land you someone. Now, engineers may not be the most exciting to live with, but they are loyal and good providers. They can give you a walk in closet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, we come to the section on "How To Let Him Know You Are There!"
32. Forget Discretion Every Once In A While, And Call Him Up!--Not good. I have just one thing to say. Glenn Close as Alex Forrest in "Fatal Attraction!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
33. Carry A Hatbox--This is just perfect, girls! If the men are fascinated by the question of what is in it--like a human head in "Night Must Fall"--then you know these are guys to avoid. If they are overly interested, then they are gay, and forget it! Unless you are, too! But if they say you are too pretty to buy hats for yourself, when men like themselves can buy them for you, then go for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
35. Make A Lot Of Money--Duh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
40. Stand In A Corner, And Cry Softly. He Will Come Over, And Ask What Is Wrong!--I LOVE this one! The trick is to cry subtly, not profusely, or he will think something is wrong--REALLY wrong--with you! This is standard for spinsters. Think of Judith Evelyn as Miss Lonelyhearts in "Rear Window." Once you do this, the evening is made!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And so ends Part Two of this post. The third part will be along in several days. Meanwhile, happy holidays, and may all your romantic dreams come true!
But put these suggestions to use!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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