Darlings, Is It Possible To Become A Desperate Housewife Without Having A Vagina?????

Darlings, I am at the end of my rope! Last night at my evening church social, after I stopped the show in choir with my vocal pyrotechnics, girls, who should walk into the room but my friend Max. Now, Max is not the brightest bulb in the forrest, and when it comes to looks, frankly, he is Mr. Nebbish. I hadn't seen Max in months, which is not unusual for him. And what does he have to tell me? For the past eight months he has been dating this guy, an academic, who last
Saturday over an Italian restaurant dinner, proposed to him!!!!!

Now, sweethearts, I am happy for Max. After all, it does prove the above point, that one can get ahead without a vagina. Though gay men, as you know are prone towards using their male one, but let me tell you, darlings, I refuse to, because I want a relationship, not a booty call!!!!!!!

Getting back to the situation at hand--after congratulating Max, I had to admit I was stymied!!!! An academic??? When Max is not the most cerebral or literary creature out there???? I had to wonder--what on earth is the matter with me, and all us girls who ARE
charming, literary, bright, not quite nebbishy, but not Eric Evans, and want the same thing--a relationship--that Max seems to have but cannot find one??????

Is Botox what it is all about? Are we expected to play dumb and offer our asses skywards???
Is this what is called compromise. I ask you, girls, what can all this mean?????

Wiser heads would say you haven't seen what Max is getting, which is true. They would also say I am NOT Max, meaning what I want in a relationship differs from his. I mean, girls, I am SO highly qualified-- I know show music.
I know designers.
I KNOW that I am FAAAAAAAAAABULOUSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am the essensce of hygenic glamour, which let me tell you some gay men out there could take a lesson from me on. I mean, you don't have to be Miss Porter's, but at least bathe!!!! Me, I have to be Miss Porter's, darlings!!!!!

Is it too much to ask? All I want is a nice, rich Jewish husband and a house in Great Neck. Then I can retire from this career rat race, read all my books, and become an alcoholic!!!!!! At least THEN I would have a reason for becoming an alcoholic!!!! But without a man or a house, there is no excuse in my case.

So stay tuned, darlings! This column will report loud and long about the struggles of the unfulfilled gay man--namely me, darlings!--for a realtionship!

And what of Max? I wish him well, but I will NEVER, EVER stoop to whatever level he was reduced to in order to get a man!! Girls, we should all get them on OUR terms!!!!!!!

Don't you agree, dears????