That phrase, girls, is a tribute to the late but great Victor Buono and his iconic performance as Edwin Flagg in the equally iconic 1962 film "What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?" But we are not here to talk about that film, darlings, though let me tell you I HAVE lived it, as it represents the childhood of fame and adulation I so desperately wanted and cling to resentful bitterness that I did not get.
Girls, as stated before, as a gay man I am the IDEAL relationship partner, though as stated previously I am not Eric Evans. But neither than anyone else is but Eric Evans, and I will bet you, darlings, even he has his off days. But Eric Evans notwithstanding here are my qualifications.
1. I am drug free.
2. I am disease free.
3. I moisturize, deodorize and accessorize.
4. I know Miss Porter's.
5.I know the Ivy League.
6. I know the Seven Sisters.
7. I am open minded.
8. I am literary.
9. I know the demi monde--darlings I have dined on the demi monde circuit during the
Golden Age of Haute Cuisine--Lutece, Le Cirque, Lespinasse, La Grenouille, The
Sign Of The Dove for God's sake!!!!!!!
8. This horse has been around the track and knows all the tricks!!!!!
9. I am FAAAAAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUULOUSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10. I am trustworthy and stable--ie; capable of monogamy!
Darlings, how many gay men do you know can match this list? So why isn't my door being
batted down with eligible partners, instead of nut jobs? Girls, we have to maximize our assets
and make sure we are seen at all the right places. I have also been to One If By Land Two
If By Sea and I propose to be seen prominently at Harry Cipriani's before the summer is
out.
So, girls if you feel you can meet these specifications and would like to give me a try,
feel free! Preference given to wealthy Jewish businessmen from Great Neck. (Though
professionally, lawyers perform the best sexually.)
But it's not about sex, darlings! I have had all I can of that! What I am talking about is
stability and companionship!
Are gay men up to that, darlings? Let's find out as I make my way through New York's
romantic haunts in search of the answer--and you can follow with me. Tonight I am going
to The Local Dive, where Max supposedly got his marriage proposal. Will lightning strike
twice, sweets? Stay tuned and find out!!!!
Kisses, girls!
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