Now, girls, as I said yesterday, I was going to tow parties, and the subject bar above turns out to be about the second, because, while you might not think so, the first one I went to was actually more sophisticated!!!!! Listen up, kittens, and learn!!!!!!
The first fabulous soiree, dears, was the Holiday party for Volunteers at the Library at the LGBT Center, here in New York. Held in a room used from everything from book group to twelve step meetings, replete with sweets galore, visions of sugar plums were made to dance in our heads, darling. Stand out moments included the attendance of my volunteer colleague, Mike, looking as fresh and scrubbed as the cupcakes he makes!!!! Girls, I am telling you, it is a wonder that Mike is still single, because he is so cute and polished!!!!! And let me tell you, his honeymoon cottage is decorated so charmingly!!!!!! I want all my girls during 2011 to visit us on Thursdays and get a look at Mike; he is just waiting for a good man to sweep him off his feet, and he is just too good not to be swept!!! So there!!!!!!
Our brilliant and talented coordinator, Naomi, was there with her lovely partner, Patty, and they looked as cute as if they were ready to appear in a road tour of "Peter Pan!!!!" With ME playing Tinker Bell, darlings!!!!!! Those two endowed--in all sorts of ways, girls!!!--co-chairs, David and John were there; David was absolutely charming and gracious as always, while John was...well, John. And like Monsieur Davide and myself, he was off to another party; come to think of it, so were Naomi and Patty, and Mike--girls, I am telling you, this was the creme de la creme de social d'estime!!!!!!
Sophistication's notch was upped even higher by the fashionably late arrival of Tynisha and Meghan, both looking as though each had won the Michelle Obama Fashionista Award!!!! Let me tell you, honeys, it takes a lot to be able to outdo a roomful of gay guys, but these two pulled it off!!!! And with a bottle of Pinot Noir, to boot, which was enjoyed by all, and which yours truly even imbibed like Amy Adams!!!!!
There had been a hope for potential drama, as of late, the Thurday Night Crew (Tynisha, Mike and Myself!!!!) have been harassed by a series of officious notes from one Ira Joel Haber, complaining about work performance, and placing it solely at the feet of us!!!!! Indeed!!!! Well, I am telling you, I could not wait to march in there like Santana, and put Mr. H in his place!!!!! And Tynisha was ready to do "West Side Story" and give him some Pam Grier ass kicks!!!!! Mike DID say that as soon as Monsieur and I arrived, some guy just got up and ran out of the room, so let me just say that if that was you, Ira Joel, you had better watch it, sweetheart, because we have our eye on you, and we will get you!!!!!! BITCH!!!!!!!!!
My brilliant friend Bill Watson was there, and then there was this creepy looking guy who looked like Sabu cast in the role of a transient. He shared with us the fact that he was constipated--how gauche, darling!--and then proceeded to load as many sweets as he could into his Tupperware dish to take with him. And some of those things contained chocolate, so if he is constipated, honey, by the time he gets through he is going to be CLOGGED!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, keep in mind, darlings, when I say that THIS was the more enjoyable and sophisticated of the two parties!!!!!!!
The second soiree Monsieur and I made an appearance at was in a swank Chelsea building alongside the m ost Godforsaken stretch of West 19th Street that I have walked along, since the last time I attended the Eagle, which was not far away, and where I have not been in about twenty years!!!! I mean, I am surprised the Eagle guys did not jump us, as we walked along the street.
I mean, darlings, you had to be on a LIST to gain admittance to this party, so once I saw that, coupled with the nabe, I thought we were going to some glorified Holiday sex orgy, or that MERYL would walk in the room. No such luck. The crowd turned out to be a group of political honchos and hangers-on, which amounted to a lot of nobodies trying to act as though they are SOMEBODIES!!!!!!
Actually, there were TWO Somebodies there, yours truly, the Raving Queen, and Robyn Byrd, who, by the way, I told looked fabulous, which will certainly get me somewhere in this town, let me tell you!!!! As if I were not there, already!!!!!!
But her husband--I mean, talk about UGLY!!!!! He must be a skillful muff diver; that is all I can say. And looking like a nebbishy accountant, dressed in a track suit!!!! He was networking his ass off, trying to get his desperate wife a job; honey, you would HAVE to be desperate to use this nerd as a head hunter!!!!! The only head he is good for is probably giving it!!!! I know, I know, I am such a bitch, but you ain't seen nothing yet!!!!!
The men were all marching around like peacocks in a pen yard, trying to prove who is the hottest!!!!! I mean, Mark Green???? He may have been good looking once, but now, Hell, I would not allow him to kiss my ass!!!! And if he thinks I am going to kiss HIS, he has another thing coming. Then there was was Manhattan Borough President, Scott Stringer!!! Oh, My God!!!! Big old bottom queen, clutching his heart in phoniness; I am telling you I can tell he is into "Belgian Chocolate!!!!"
Do my girls know what that is???? I bet some of you do. For those who don't, listen--
"Belgian Chocolate" is when a bottom guy gets naked, and lays under a clear glass coffee table, while a hunky "Mandingo" Black guy straddles it, spreads his ass, and defecates onto the table, so the bottom guy can watch, without getting stained, and getting his rocks off!!!!! And I can tell you, I could just tell by looking that Scott likes chocolate that is more than just Nestle's or Hershey's!!!!!!
The waiters were hustlers, and you know when this party ended that the REAL one--with bedroom and shower frolics--would begin!!!! But the women!!!! Girls, I have never seen an uglier bunch!!! For starters there was this lesbian politico, Yetta Curlin, whose hair WAS tight and curled, but who looked so butch she would make a garage mechanic seem nellie!!!!! She was in a Lesbian Power Suit, which may have worked on Fran Leibowitz, but only proved that what would work with her is burlap over her head!!!!! And SHE wants to be a politician???? Then there were these two attractive women, who were reasonably well dressed--except there were price tags hanging from their outfits!!!! Excuse me, am I missing a new fashion trend???? Obviously, these party-ers have never heard of Gene Tierney in "Laura," who never wore a price tag to a party, I can tell you!!!!! Not to mention that things were better decorated in "Laura;" a reasonably good view cannot compensate for minimalist furnishing, no books, and faux paintings, like the "Streetcar Named Desire" film strip!!!! I mean; come on; you could just tell this apartment owner did not know Elia Kazan from Lainie, or art from junk!!!!!!
I am telling you, Monsieur and I were so glad to beat a hasty retreat from these phonies. It was almost as bad as reading Ayn Rand!!!! Who, by the way, would have fit right in!!!!! But I promised you a full report, darlings, and this is it!!!! No one said living for glamour was easy, loves, and this is an example of the price I have to pay!!!!!
Which is why I am popping in my "Laura" DVD ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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