Darlings, this story has been long in coming, and overdue to be told. I thought it would be perfect for Christmas Day, because there are moral lessons herein for all!!!!!!
My hometown, in suburban Jersey, was indisputably Jewish. Nevertheless, there was a small Catholic contingent, who clung to their Catholicism in this Jewish enclave, like bees on a honeycomb!!!!! Such as the Malones, who made it all the way to Lincoln Avenue, not far from the revered Roberta!!!!!
But within these Catholic confines, wars were waged, battles that would do "West Side Story" proud!!!!!! One of these involved who would sit in the front row of St. Paul's church at High Mass, and for years this spot was dominated by two families, the Byrnes and the Gonnellas. You would not believe what pieces of work they were.
Let us start with the Byrne. Oh, my God!!!!! A bunch of pop eyed, light complected by ruddy cheeked Irishmen, the two daughters of whom, Mary and Patricia, looked like twin images of Good and Evil, one light haired, the other dark, but who both looked the Irish exponent of repressed spinster sexuality. Or as straight Catholic school boys used to say, "Paralyzed from the waist down...like most Irish girls!!!!" I had Mary in my Psych and Lit and Trig classes in high school, and let me tell you she was no world beater!!!!! By now, they must either be lesbians living under the same roof, as spinster sisters, with cats, or in a convent!!!!!!!
The Gonnellas were a little more interesting, for while they put on almost as good an act as the Byrnes, they were simply unable to maintain it. You have to give that to the Byrnes; at least they did!!!!!
The Byrnes sat on the left side of the church, the Gonnellas at the right, so that they were at the foot of the Cross. Which peeved the Byrnes no end, but this was each family's respective spot, so there was nothing either could do about it!!!!!
The Gonnellas would march in as the proverbial Italian Catholic family, in tandem to the Byrnes' Irish, elder son, Joe (who was a year ahead of me) looking the picture of simpering male naivete, while Janice would prance in, wide-eyed, trying to look so pure and holy, as though she were Jennifer Jones in "The Song Of Bernadette." Yeah, sure. But the act worked for a time, because let me tell you, that homophobic bitch, Mrs. Alice C. Santamarina (now pushing up daisies, heh heh heh!!!!!) who was the faculty representative of the National Honor Society, which, to this day, I still maintain, I should have gotten into, but because my parents were not from the monied part of town, I was not traditionally popular, and, most of all, I was HOMOSEXUAL, Mrs. Santamarina denied me membership not once, but twice!!!!!!! As for girls, she liked them wholesome, and that is where Janice comes in, because with her Bernadette Soubirous act, she exuded wholesomeness, so she certainly made her way into the Honor Society. Though I do have to give this to Janice, she WAS smart!!!!!!
And this proved to be her downfall, which signaled that all was not as right as everyone thought in the Gonnella household. For the summer following Janice's junior year in high school, she was sent to a special Science camp for accelerated students. Well, when Janice returned from said camp, we all found out just how accelerated Miss Janice was. Shortly after Janice returned, her mother was putting some clothes away in her room, when what should she find in one of her daughter' drawers but.........
a diaphragm!!!!! That is right-- A diaphragm, a diaphragm, I thought a diaphragm was up here, where you breathe!!!!!!"
Well, let me tell you, darlings, that ended it for the Gonnellas, because it certainly showed that Miss Janice was no Bernadette. I am sure her mother was fit to be tied, and the father probably had a heart attack. I can tell you, the first day back at school, it was all over the building about Janice, who kept the lowest profile you ever saw, and the following Sunday, at High Mass, the Gonnellas front seat was unoccupied, because from that time on, they always sat inconspicuously towards the back!!!! I am surprised that Santamarina bitch did not remove Janice from the Honor Society, but as far as I know, she never did!!!!!!!
And what of elder brother, Joe???? Well, he tried to pull his act, in spite of what his sister did, but let me tell you, darlings, I found him out!!!!!!!!
It was shortly after I had graduated from college. I was still living at home, heading by bus into the city, either for a job search, or to see a movie or show; I cannot remember. But I DO remember that across the street from where the bus pulled in, there was an Adult Book Store, and you could tell alot about the moral tone of the community who went in and out of its doors. Well, that day while I was waiting for the bus to pull out, the door opened and out steps.....Joe Gonnella!!!!!!!! And I can tell you, he was up to no good in there, for I had heard that some of the booths in there had...Glory Holes!!!!!! In New Brunswick, New Jersey, yet!!!!!!!!!!
Well, that did it for me!!!!! I knew right then and there that things were not right in that household, nor had they been for a long time, what with Janice, and now Joe!!!!!! And let me tell you, girls, the way he sauntered out of that bookstore, I could just tell it was not his first viist there, not by a long shot!!!!!!!!!!!
How the mighty had fallen!!!!!! And after all these years, I wonder what became of Joe and Janice??????
So, girls, the message of this for the Holiday Season is when you claim to be so pure and righteous and wholesome, you had damn well better BE, or else you will be found out!!!!! And let me tell you, the fact that these were two of the biggest stories in my hometown says a lot about how swinging Highland Park was. No wonder I moved to New York.
Remember, pride goeth before a fall, and it went splat in the faces of the Gonnellas!!!!!! Let us hope they have picked themselves up from their moral squalor!!!!!!
And to all my darlings, I wish a very Merry Christmas!!!!! May you all stay as pure as Janice claimed to be. Just like me, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Behold, a Virgin shall conceive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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