Darlings, let me tell you, there are gifts that keep on giving, and gifts you just don't want. Many years ago, while living in Brooklyn, I received the latter. While still a member of Book Of The Month Club, Norman Mailer's overlong and overwritten novel about the CIA, "Harlot's Ghost," made its initial appearance. It was a Featured Selection, and, initially, I guess, I did not send in the form soon enough, saying I did not want it. So it was sent to me. Fine. I simply sent it back, which according to club rules then, one always had the option of doing. And that was it--I thought. But they kept sending and sending and sending the same damn book. I had to phone and complain to a poor beleaguered employee that I had no intention at any time of reading this atrocious book, let alone anything by Norman Mailer, so stop shoving it at me via the U.S. postal service.
Again, that was that. Till last week.
One evening, coming home to my apartment, I found a package at my front door. No, at least it was not "Harlot's Ghost," or even a Norman Mailer novel--thank God!!!! It was a package, with an attached envelope, saying I had been given a free gift. But of what? And from whom????
The what turned out to be bottled samples of Proactive skin products--moisturizers, lotions, and the like. Three boxes worth. Now, the first thing I want to say about this is, darlings, with my almost Jennifer Jones complexion that gets a full beauty treatment, anyway, I do not need such unguents. Since my ingenue days, girls, I have moisturized, deodorized, and accessorized. And I don't need some low end beauty products to do so!!!!!!!!!!!!
The who (or whom) turns out to be mysterious. At first, I thought, maybe Monsieur ordered this, but when I went through the products with him, it was clear he did not. The package was not from Ohio--I know no one there!!!! I mean, the Midwest????? Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And none of my friends would send such a thing, because they all know, as you do, how glamorous I am, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I took action. I called my lawyer. I called Consumer Protection. And most of all I called the company. They said the transaction was done online, using a MasterCharge account. Honey, I told this now beleaguered employee, I do not even have MasterCharge; I never have, and I never will!!!!!!!!!!!! I was assured I would receive nothing more from them, and they are sending me a label to send it back. Which I will do, as soon as that arrives.
Girls, if you don't want a gift--don't take it!!!!! And don't take crap from lowlifes who take pleasure in doing such stupid things. Probably some obese couch potato, whose whole life is the Shopping Channel. Well, potatoes can be fried or baked, so THIS one had better watch out.
No one loves more to receive a pretty, wrapped package than yours truly. This wasn't even that. If you do, simply tell the unwelcome sender a pretty pink bow will be tied around their neck, then pulled TIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kiss kiss, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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