Girls, I am telling you, having heard for 20 years about Julia Phillips' "Ultimate Bitch Book Of Hollywood," and contemplating writing a "bitch book" (more East Coast, New York division) of my own, I thought it was time I read this, that maybe a role model would inspire me.
Well, Julia, what I found out is not only am I as big a bitch as you, but I am a far more interesting one.
Her book starts out strong, chronicling her early life--which is interesting to hear where she came from, how she started, digressing to dishing folks--Warren Beatty, Goldie Hawn, Steven Spielberg, Blythe Danner (yes!!!! Blythe Danner! Inexcusable!) Barbra, the Power Brokers, and, ultimately the male and female sexes; pretty much all of Humanity!!!!!!!!!
Now, I don't mind that the Milk Of Human Kindness does not exactly flow out of Julia's veins--I mean, darlings, there are times when even MINE curdles!!!!--but I began to lose interest about 250 pages into things, when it became less a real life "Valley Of The Dolls," and more an "All About Poor, Unrepentant Julia On Drugs!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I have read plenty of stuff out there, fiction and non, dealing with drug addiction, but this is the first where I wish the book had been halved, because I ended up having no sympathy at all for this addict. The only difference between Julia and some Ghetto Mama Crack Ho' is the access the former has to cash. At one point she spends $15K on drugs!!!!!!!!! I'd rather spend it on designer clothes!!!! Well, maybe that is another kind of addiction, but at least I am not doing it, when I don't have it, which is pretty much what Julia does throughout the book!!!!!!!! And I am supposed to care about this???????
Without sounding like Miss Virtue, it amazes me Julia lasted as long as she did. It is amazing she was able to give birth to a healthy girl (albeit with genetically related health issues which were not drug induced), and was able to have a relationship with her--think Edina and Saffy on 'AbFab,' only not played for laughs.
Yes, you learn about where to eat, like Sprago's Morton's and Ma Maison. I never knew Lois Smith was a lesbian!!!!!!!!! Like Harper Lee, does it matter???????? What matters is Julia wrote this book, bit the hand that fed her, then died about a decade later, due to a combination of bad genetics, and, I am convinced, a compromised immune system done in by drug use. Julia may have succumbed to the cancer which also took her mother at some point, but I am willing to bet the drugs helped rush it on!!!!!!!!
The one I felt sorry for was daughter Kate. Now, a grown woman, she lives with this legacy, and I wonder how she feels!!!!!!!!!!!
Girls, if you want a Fast Lane Life, you don't have to resort to what Julia did! I mean, look at me!!!! No one is more on the scene in New York than moi, unless you count Sylvia Miles, whom I would knock outta the way for a plate of food!!!!!!!!!!!!! And if you want a bitchfest, don't keep reading Phillips' addictive prattle! Just keep reading my own self absorbed prattle! It is much more interesting.
There is an important difference between Hollywood and New York! In Hollywood, anyone who hoists their ass high enough gets anything they want! In New York City, this does not work, because everyone here who is out for something is already a glorified ass hoister, not to mention ass kisser! Too many competing asses in THIS town, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
See how bitchy I can be?????????? Just like Julia, and I am sure she would approve! But do yourselves a favor loves, and don't read her book. At 561 pages, it reads like the 1,000 plus it had to be edited down from, when first submitted, and after fourteen legal experts went through it, to make sure it was publishable!!!!!!!!!!!!
You don't need all this verbal diarrhea, girls!!!!!!!! Stick to my chronicles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There will be more coming up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Catch me at Cipriani!!!!!!!!
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