The Joys Of Being A Bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                            Girls, I am telling you, when the heat rises, so does my Bitch-O-Meter.  Now, being a bitch has been denigrated too much.  There are actually advantages to being a bitch, which is why I say, weather or not, take full advantage of them.

                              1. You get to tell anyone you want off, and feel good about it!

                               2. You can serve tea to your worst enemy, with them not knowing if you have spit
                                    in it, or what.

                                3.  You can exchange one designer garment for another free of charge, by causing
                                      a ruckus, and spouting the sacred name of ANNA!  Which in the
                                      Metropolitan area, at least, carries some weight.

                                  4. When you go to the theater, and see something engrossing, like, say,
                                       "August:Osage County," you can suggest to the ignoramus in front
                                        of you that people should be given I Q tests before being allowed
                                        to enter the theater, to make sure that everyone seated understands
                                        exactly what they are seeing!

                                     5. When a waiter serves a meal that is not to your exact specifications,
                                          throw it under his nose, and demand it be sent back, with
                                          explicit orders on how it should be prepared. Be a REAL bitch,
                                          and give a written list!

                                      6. Forget the food, for a second.  If the service is lousy at a
                                          restaurant, call the Nasty Hostess on her faux French origins,
                                          when she really hails from Bayonne New Jersey!  And don't
                                           take any flack from those Botoxed Upper East Side matrons!

                                      7.  Inside a bookstore, knock the other person out of the way,
                                           to get to the literary fiction.  After all, you are the reader, not
                                           them.

                                      8.  At an audition, be charming, but if some bitch steps in your
                                           starlight, don't be afraid to show your Sheila side.  You DO
                                           know the combination--but when you were in the front!
                                           Even if auditioning for Fantine, you have got to show  that
                                           no one can convey what you can in the role!

                                      9.  How much longer do we have to endure that skank felon,
                                           Martha Stewart?  So, don't be afraid, when in a department
                                           store, if you see here picture on display, go right up to it,
                                           and smack her across the face.  You will feel great, you will
                                           not be charged with assault, and when I have done it, I have
                                           actually have had some people applaud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                   10.   If harassed for being gay, ask the perps how much more
                                           tasteful is "Mother Jugs???????????"

                                    Yes, darlings, being a bitch can be such fun!  Sometimes it is downright necessary.  If you follow these guidelines, you can be the bitch of your neighborhood!!!!!!!!!!!

                                      But, we still watch "The Song Of Bernadette," at Easter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!