This Monster Is Hung Like A Horse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                               Now, girls, I am sure many of you read my post on the upcoming film, "Krampus," which is to be released on December 4.   This could signal either the arrival of an unconventional Christmas camp classic, or the demise of Toni Collette's career.  My guess is a little bit of both.

                                However, until I began investigating this upcoming film, (and I have known about the Krampus legend since second grade, thanks to my being precocious and perverse, and Mrs. Beinhower having a half way decent library!!!!!!!!) I had no idea there had already been so many Krampus movies.

                                 Already, Krampus has enough behind him to be a cottage industry.  And, I am telling you, once December 4 comes, he will be.

                                  Consider this--there is the upcoming film we are all waiting for.  There is also the film to be discussed here--"Krampus--The Reckoning," which was supposedly released on November 3, but, outside of downloads and YouTube, I had never seen, nor am I sure if it ever saw the inside of any movie theater.  A pity, as will soon be found out.  There is  also "Krampus--The Christmas Devil," from 2013, and something to be released next year, called "Krampus--The Devil Returns," and, lastly, in 2012, there was a movie entitled simply, "Krampus."

                                  If you have never seen "Krampus--The Reckoning," you should, because I think it is going to give the forthcoming film much to live up to.  This film is both brilliant and perverse.  It is a combination of morality tale, revenge seeking, childhood Gothic, and sex romp, with the hottest and most hung monster seen yet, (not excluding the X-rated King Kong in the film "King Dong" (1985)) as well as a really hot detective, named Miles O'Connor, played by James Ray, whose naked ass steals the scene!  I am not kidding, darlings!

                                   By the way, an actor here named William "Bill" Connor plays two roles--the title role of Krampus.  And Brian, the bartender.  He IS a big guy!  And wait till you see him in that goat get up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                 "Krampus--The Reckoning" begins brillinatly, in some indistinct past, whose bright colors and muted lighting, sugggest an outtake from "Meet Me Ibn St. Louis."  A grandmother (played by an actress named Karen Rolston, in the scariest manner this side of Uta Hagen as Ada in "The Other" (1972) is seated in a rocking chair in a corner, her granddaughter at her feet.  They begin talking about Christmas, and  Granny shows the girl an ancient book, detailing the Krampus legend.  She, in turn, shows Granny a drawing of her family, and when the elder asks why she did not include her sister, the girl intones "There was no room for her on the paper."

                                   Aha!!!!!!!!  This kid has issues with her sister.  So, you know what that means, right???????   Well, the film does have an evil child...but not the one you may think it is,

                                     Now, this is the part of the post where I warn readers to stop reading, if you want to avoid the spoiler.  If you don't, allow me to continue.

                                    First, let us talk about Amelia Haberman, and her brilliant performance here, as Zoe Weaver, the child who brings Krampus into the present.  She has a Krampus doll--which we all want, darlings!!!!!!!!!!  Amelia does a cross between Linda Blair in "The Exorcist" and Patty Duke in "The Miracle Worker" that makes me think she may be the only one from this film who will go anywhere. Just look at that stare!  Not since Patty McCormack in "The Bad Seed" has there been such evil.

                                      People have a way of dying when Zoe is around.   Her foster parents, the Hoelzers, are the first to go; as much for their abusive treatment of Zoe as their being too ugly to be photographed having sex.  That's right, darlings, this film has so much sex--titties everywhere!!!!--it was obviously made for horny teens, male homosexuals, and sex addicts!!!!!!!!!! That James Ray, yummy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                        Even Monica Engesser, as Dr. Rachel Stewart, who, with James Ray as Miles, is trying to help crack Zoe's secret, shows her boobies--but does she deserve to die for this?  No, but she DOES deserve to die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Are you ready for WHY, girls????????????

                                           Zoe is actually a ghost who died 23 years before, back in 1992.  Her parents, the Weavers, had another daughteer Rachel, adopted, who is the girl seen at the beginning, and who, I felt, killed her sister.  Well, she did, but I did not realize Zoe was the sister.  Not only did Rachel, playing cute with Krampus, kill Zoe, but her entire family.  So, Zoe's spirit trails Rachel down through the decades, getting rid of bad folk along the way, until it is Rachel's time.  And when it is--oh, boy, does that bitch get what she deserves!!!!!!!!  Good for you, Zoe!  Hey,  Zoe; gotta minute????  I have a list for you!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                         At least Rachel's adopted son, Lamaar, survives.  But what kind of parent names a kid Lamaar??? Maybe two queens adopting today, who want to pay homage to Hedy Lamarr.

                                           You just have to see this one, darlings!  If you want a film where those who deserve to die do, and you can just sit back and laugh, "Krampus--The Reckoning" is one hell of a Christmas gift!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                             Don't cramp Krampus' style, dolls!  He is sure to be Big Man On Campus!!!!!!!!!!!

                                             Here is the full movie, if you have time, girls!!!!!!!!!!  Enjoy!!!!!!!!!!!!