I Have Not Been My Best, Girls! What's Scary Is I Don't Yet Know Why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                      I will try and not to go all Joan Didion on here, but I feel I owe my girls an explanation for why I have not been on here, of late.  The reason is not good, and the possibilities scare me.

                      Here's the thing.  I don't know how it happened.

                      It started last Saturday.  David and I had to get up to go to a funeral.  The mother of one of his colleagues had passed, and I wanted to go and support him.

                      Th day began normally.  There was nothing to suggest anything would go wrong. But it did.

                         Now, I am sure we can all agree there are certain areas of the body we would rather not talk about.  And we can agree those areas, front and back lie below the waist line.

                         I got up that morning, had my breakfast, faced my issues, showered, dressed, and marched out the door, with David.

                         There we were, at the train station, waiting for the R train to arrive. When it did, that is when things changed.  Because, in the second it took to transition from station platform to train, something in my intestinal tract or abdominal region, just shifted, like a switch being turned on.  Suddenly, I felt such pressure in the anal area, as though, any minute, I would have an accident.  The feeling lasted, and we made our way to the Grand Concourse Brooklyn Public Library, where I expunged Friday night's meal.  I felt better, but not relieved.

                        The funeral was a nightmare, because this feeling persisted.  I expunged more, at the bathroom there.  I felt tired, weak and went home to rest.  David took my temperature, which showed I had a slight fever.

                          I even took three Dulcolax, which released nothing but water.

                          Since then, the bowel situation has been touch and go--sometimes something, other times dribs and drabs.  I have never felt like this.  Constant pressure on the anus, as though I have to go all the time.  Oh, and when I urinate, while I am successful, there is pressure when I go, so it is not a relaxing experience.  Not painful, not unbearable so that I almost don't want to go, but not the routine I take for granted.

                           I don't know if my prostate is involved, or not.  All this came upon me, seemingly out of the blue.

                           I made a doctor appointment for tomorrow.  I want to know what exactly is going on, and what to do about it.  I always felt I was in control of my body.  It is horrible when the body tell you it is in control of you.

                            Wish me luck, girls, as I am having the most dire of thoughts, from surgery to things stuck in places I don't want to imagine.

                              So that is why I have not been on here.  I just haven't been upbeat enough to write about the fun stuff I want to write.  I hope to be back to that soon.

                              And healthier, for it!

                              Pray for me, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!