Darlings,Have They Stayed Too Long At The Fair???????

Girls, let me tell you, when the Fall Arts season began, nothing was more talked about or anticipated than the musical version of "Women On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown." I mean, people were snapping up advance tickets so fast you couldn't attend a respectable party without someone crowing with fiendish delight, "I have tickets for 'Women On The Verge'. With a cast headed by Patti Lupone, Laura Benanti, and Brian Stokes Mitchell, direction by Bartlett Sher, composer David Yazbeck and much of the creative team fresh from Lincoln Center Theatre, there was much for theatergoers to anticpipate. So much so, that this show was looked to as the one that would make the Season.

Then it opened. And right away words of mouth began trickling down about how disappointing the show was. Although there was a small minority whe said to see it and judge for yourselves. Because of these latter opinions, and with an enthusiasm for the cast, especially Miss Lupone, Monsieur Davide and I spent an evening on the Rialto at this show, and I am sorry to have to say that the naysayers are RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!

But let me start by saying that Monsieur, whose patience with all living things is phenomenal--after all, look what he puts up from me, loves!!!!!!-- had a more positive reception to the show. He said he liked the music. Unfortunately, Monsieur is NOT the Raving Queen, and does not have the obligation I do to tell it like it is to my readers out there. So let me begin herewith.

I wish the rest of this column could be one bitchfest, because it would make things easier. But I can't do it; the earnestness of the production was evident in the superb costumes, set designs and attempts at conceptual staging. The performers were clearly talented but underused; even Patti, darlings, though her Lucia was the only character who came to life the entire evening. And that was by sheer power of her persona. If another actress had played Lucia, I don't think we would have cared.
The rest of the cast seem to be making a joint effort to achieve something, but don't let the audience in on what that something is. Maybe because they don't know.
The role of Ivan would seem to fit the self-loving Brian Stokes Mitchell to a tee--the egotism of both character and performer should match. And while Mitchell displays his wonderful voice and that quality of never connecting with the audience because he is too busy glancing at himself off to the side in a mirror, his Ivan is not given songs or scenes strong enough that should register. All the women onstage get worked up over his behavior, but I did not see anything to get worked up about. The arrogance is there, the passion is not. In fact, it is downright tepid.

Tepid would describe the audience applause for this show. Even when Patti came out to take her bow, I thought the Theater Queens would screech to the rafters!!!!! You could have knocked me over with a feather boa, darlings, when they didn't!!! Which is why, feeling bad for Patti, I just had to call out, "We love you, Patti!" And we do. But even she is underused in what seems to be the busiest show on Broadway--it moves with the speed of "The Pajama Game," "Bye, Bye, Birdie" or "Hairspray" but never fully breaks loose or gets anywhere as in the aforementioned shows. All I can say is, "The Addams Family" must REALLY be bad, next to this!!!!!!!!

Sometimes, darlings, one comes out of a show wanting more--and in many cases that is a compliment. Not so, here. I wanted SO MUCH more from this show, but I was not willing to sit longer than it ran (and thank God it did not run any longer than it did) because I knew I was not going to get MORE. Personally, I think the whole thing should have been titled "Diminished Returns," because that is exactly what the audience gets on its time investment!!!!!!!!

But don't worry, girls! Patti and Laura will return in something better, as they are just too talented not too. The tragedy of this show is that it is not GOOD ENOUGH--not even to be BAD!!!!!!! It won't even make it into the history book of Flop Musicals You Wished You Saw!!!! It will just fade into oblivion!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know what my final word is, darlings???? Because I am such a bitch!!!!!!
Drive a stake through this one, and do the actors in it a favor!!!!!!!!!!! This show should never have left Staten Island!!!!!!!!!

In fact, it shouldn't even made it TO Staten Island!!!!!!!!!

Here's to better shows, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!