"After All, We Girls Have To Look Our Best!"

And, of course, darlings, the problem is compounded even further, when you are Joan Crawford, past your prime!!!!!!!!!

Sweeties, no matter how many times it is viewed, something can always be learned from "Strait-Jacket". Thursday evening's screening at the Chelsea, featured Hedda Lettuce at her most ribald, and was filled with so many green kids fresh from NYU, who probably had no clue that movies existed before they were born! Or who probably thought in the 1960s, movies were still silent! Anyway, you could tell who the novices were--they all seemed to be sitting dead center--because when it came time for the Battle Of The Dueling Joans, you never heard such hooting and hollering. And when Joan pulled the mask off, revealing the culprit to be daughter Carol (brilliantly played by Diane Baker!) the screams of surprise and puzzlement shook the rafters. It's wonderful how today's youth can still be so naive.

Nevertheless, there are always lessons to be learned from a viewing of "Strait-Jacket," and I want to share some of those observations with you now.

That Carol, I am telling you-- I am surprised no one caught on to her act. And that she knew, after a twenty-year absence, her mother would be the exact same dress size she was before she went into the loony bin. Because Carol had to run in to town to a dressmaker, to have not only Joan's dress duplicated, but one in her size as well. It is amazing someone--the proprietor, a seamstress--was not aroused with suspicion by this request. Added to that, the Cutlers, Aunt Emily and Uncle Bill. They were as clueless about Carol as, say, Auntie Em and Uncle Henry were about Dorothy in "The Wizard Of Oz." All I can say, in Carol's case, where was Miss Gulch when she was needed??????

George Kennedy as Leo Krause--You never would have thought, three years from then, he would have gone on to win an Oscar!!!!!!! Not that Kennedy is bad in this film; not at all; in fact, his confrontation scene with Carol livens things up. Kennedy was just a working man's actor at the time, was probably glad for the job, the pay, and the presteige of not only a William Castle film, but one with Joan Crawford, whom he had a scene with!!!!! It is just too bad, when confronting Carol, that Leo did not smack that White Trash upstart in the face, sending her flying across the way!!!!!!!!! He is the Velma Cruthers of this film; he may be low class, but at least he knows his place, and knows when someone is getting a little too Miss Uppity!!!!!!!!

John Michael Hayes as Michael Fields-- What a hunk!!!!!!! No wonder Joan and Diane both went for him. I bet, once the cameras stopped, Edith Atwater jumped him, too!!!!!!!! Must have been some action, back at the motel/hotel, where they all stayed, during the shoot!!!!!!! But you have to feel sorry for Michael at the end--walking back into the house, after searching for Lucy, finding two women dressed alike, being handed a mask by Joan, and having Diane/Carol admit she planned the whole thing, which included killing his parents. She knew she was White Trash, and she wanted to rise above it. Lucky for Michael; if Carol had succeeded, they would have married, sooner or later her derangement would have shown through, and he would have a real albatross on his back!!!!!! Unless he could get her committted, too!!!!!
As it turned out, no problem!!!!!!!!!!!

Edith Atwater as Mrs. Fields--Oh, brother! In a film that abounds with bitches--everyone in this film--even George Kennedy-- seems to be one, Mrs. Fields takes the cake. She is just so plug ugly; this old heifer is definitely ready for the canner's!!!!!! Which I am sure is what hubby Raymond had been planning, the way he cottons up to Carol, saying "It's all in the family, isn't it?" He is one big horn dog, just like his son!!!!!!!! But, can you blame him; look what he is married to!!!!! You have to hand it to Edith Atwater; she must have learned her performance from outtakes of Faye Bainter in "The Children's Hour"!!!!! But with a much better figure, and dress designer, suggesting she was definitely a graduate of her world's version of Miss Porter's. And that she was right to watch out for Michael, what with all that trash coming sniffing around. She may indulge Michael in allowing him to date Carol, but when it comes to marriage, the real thing, she knows the score, honey!!!!!! And cool as ice, this one!!!!!! If she had been revealed as the ax murderer, I would not have been a bit surprised. She looks ready to ax Lucy and Carol, when they come for dinner. She cannot be topped in the Dueling Joans scene, where she has two campy psycho bitches having a quasi lesbian fight on HER bed in HER Master Bedroom, and she just calmly walks out the door, and phones the police, as blithely as though she were ordering a take-out pizza!!!! Much as I wish this old hag had been killed, maybe Carol was doing Raymond a favor by killing him first; now he is out of his marital misery!!!!!!!!! As for his wife, well, darlings, let me tell you, she is going on to become the Jewel Mayhew of her neighborhood. She and Lucy will become fast friends; she will have Lucy over for tea, and evenings the two gals will get dolled up, go out on the town, drink, and get laid!!!!!!! And.......Michael most likely will bang them both!!!!!!!!!! But let me tell you, marriage is now out of the question for him, forever, after his poor judgement with Carol. Now that he inherits the entire business, his mother will tell him how to run it....and she will sleep with him!!!!!! And if he should refuse...well, with Lucy's help, she will ax him, too, but sleep with his head next to her!!!!!! Just like Jewel!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And, Darlings, How Could I Forget?--There is this fascinating 15 minute documentary you can see on YouTube called "Battle-Ax--The Making Of 'Strait-Jacket'." It was filmed about ten years ago, and there are some very insightful comments made by Diane Baker, then 64, who looked pretty damn good!!!!!! The most fascinating revelation was that the picture was SUPPOSED to end with her big hysterical scene--her ranting and hitting the mask at the door, a montage of images, and then a fadeout!!!!!! It would have made for a highly impacting end! Joan was on the set when they filmed it, and, impressed by Diane's acting, but, being Joan, knew, fond as she was of Diane, she could not throw the final moment to her. So, she let Diane have her Big Moment, but then we cut outside, to a shot of Joan clutching one of the house pillars, and sobbing tremulously. As Diane says in the present, "That was not in the script." Then she got it, about Joan. Which is why Robert Bloch, who created "Psycho" let Joesph Stefano add an explanatory lecture to his script, so that audiences, who hadn't a clue then about psychological disorders, being they were so intellectually and emotionally repressed at the time, would understand what was going on. Same with "Strait-Jaacket"; Bloch writes an almost identical scene, featuring Joan and Leif Erickson, where she details all the machinations of Carol's plan; right down to the photograph book, the heads, and the tape recorder of the children's taunting rhyme. With the last shot, being one of Crawford!!!!!!! Oh, no, darlings, SHE was the star, and she was determined this picture would end with THE STAR!!!!!
Which it did!!!!!!!!!

But no matter how you slice it, there is always something to be learned from "Strait-Jacket," no matter how many times it is viewed. We just LOVE that crazy bitch, Lucy Harbin, but then Lucy is not so crazy, as it would seem, and this is one of the few Crawford films, where you can feel sorry for her. I hope those NYU students took away with them the idea that no matter how bad a day you have had, a good stiff drink, or a viewing of Joan Crawford in "Strait-Jacket" can cure just about anything!!!!!!!!!

And that hair band of Diane Baker's is almost as annoying as Joan's bangles, and fools absolutely no one. Just like my grade school variant on Carol, (who at least was from the right side of the tracks!!!!!) Diane Dykeman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How I would LOVE to see this remade, with another Joan...Rivers, and her daughter, Melissa!!!!!!!!!! Wouldn't that be something??????????