"Everyone will think Lucy is the murderess! Oh, Mommy, I love
you, I hate you!!!!!!! Oh, Mommy, I'm so sorry, I hate you,
I love you, I hate you, hate you, love you, hate you!!!!"
--Diane Baker as Carol Harbin in "Strait-Jacket"
Here being, of course, darlings, the Clearview Chelsea. That night we have so longed for in January has finally arrived--the semi-regular screening of the Joan Crawford classic, "Strait-Jacket!"
Now, for those of you who have been with me awhile, no intros are needed, regarding this film. And no surprises in store, either. So, let's just take some time, and bask in the pleasures of seeing this film, accompanied by a group of screaming queens, and led by Impersonator Extraordinaire, Hedda Lettuce!!!!!!!!!
Poor Joan Crawford!!!!!!!! Both onscreen and off, she never had any luck, when it came to daughters. Sweet little Kay (Joanna Marlowe) dies early on in "Mildred Pierce," leaving her saddled with...Veda!!!!!!! Then there is Angela (Judy Geeson), in "Berserk," who is more trouble to Joan than the circus she has to run, and whose death by electrocution (Angela's) is the stuff of Grand Opera!!!!!! And Joan looks so fabulous in her scanty circus costume and fishnets, I am surprised she was not cast as "Ilsa, She-Wolf Of The SS"!!!!!!!!! She could have nailed that one, let me tell you.
And we all know about real-life daughter, Christina. And Diana Scarwid, a once promising actress, who played her in the film of "Mommie, Dearest," and whose career after that dried up faster than swampland in Florida!!!!!!!!!
No, Joan's track record is not great, when it comes to daughters!!!!! But none can compare, with Carol Harbin, played like a blushing schoolgirl by Diane Baker, in "Strait-Jacket."
You have to feel a bit sorry for Carol. First, she witnesses hunky Daddy Lee Majors being decapitated with an ax, by her mother in 1940's regalia. So, she grows up, knowing she cannot compete with that!!!!!!!! She then turns out to have been raised by two singularly unattractive relations--Uncle Leif Erickson, who, at least is not as bad as, say, Ernest Borgnine, and Ice Queen Aunt Rochelle Hudson, barely able to stay encased in her over sized Playtex girdle, and seething with resentment over Joan, because she can still pull that glam act, while Rochelle will never look as good as when starred opposite Shirley Temple in "Curly Top," or portraying Cosette to Frederic March's Valjean in "Les Miserables." Two former Thirties ingenues cast in the same film, with one more the worse for wear than other! And that happens to be Rochelle!!!!
Who knows what negative crap her aunt must have filled Carol with, regarding her mother. And as Carol became older, and more attractive, morphing into Diane Baker, at her Sixties loveliest, Carol had aspirations of moving up the social ladder. And having a mentally unstable mother just wouldn't cut it; the farm relations can be smoothed over, but not a lunatic Mom.
Added to which--and Auntie may have had a hand in this, too--Carol is just SO repressed that, even though she lands hunky diary heir John Michael Hayes, (as Michael Field) how long is questionable, because it is plain he is getting none from her, and looks so horndog he is ready to bang Joan--or even Edith Atwater as his mother!!!!!!! The only character who, though looking ready for the canner's, is the only one with sense and social propriety; she knows what kind of White Trash is creeping into her house, and while she may offer cordiality, she does not want these visitors on a permanent, familial, basis. As it turns out, darlings, she is right!
Don't you love that final scene with Carol up against the door, clutching her Joan mask, screaming incessantly, while Mommy and Michael look on!????? This social climbing bitch gets exactly what she deserves. The film may end officially with the decapitated Columbia Pictures statue, but I prefer my own followup--Michael, Joan and Mrs. Field go out to the local club, and he bangs them both!!!!!!!!! Much to his relief!!!!!! After all, what has he got to lose????????? His career went nowhere!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, I want to meet and greet all my Girls there tonight, as we revel with carefree laughter over this Joan classic; one of the few she made where you CAN feel sorry for her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Darlings, we just LOVE Lucy!!!!!!!!! Harbin, that is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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