Darlings, I Am Telling You, You Had Better Be Prepared!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                           Girls, what a day our one day holiday turned out to be!  After a medical test for Monsieur that put us on the street by 8 AM, we had breakfast at a diner nearby, then trekked down to the East Village, where we saw an 11 AM screening of a film both of us have been wanting to see for a long time--"The Master."

                                              Now, the first thing I want to say is I cannot remember the last time I was in a movie theater at 11 AM.  On a non-work day, usually  I am still sipping coffee, fielding phone calls and fan mail, or trying to decide what I am going to wear that day.  As if I were Slim Keith, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                "The Master" is a weird movie!  It is full of poetic imagery and symbolism--lots of images of water cascading out from beneath ships, and sculpted sand breasts on beaches-- but I wish Paul Thomas Anderson had concentrated more on his script than visual composition. He gets superb performances by the Oscar nominated Joaquin Phoenix, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Miss Amy Adams, and a superb minor bit from Laura Dern (and where the hell has she been????) that are fascinating to watch, but the characters they are struggling to maintain, and the story they are trying to fit into is mired by Anderson, who is so determined to make a movie that forces one to think, to ask questions, that it fails to give enough, let alone, easy answers.

                                                      This is almost the counterpart to "Les Miserables." That film is filled with characters you have empathy and compassion for. The ones here are utterly despicable, except maybe for the woman enacted by Laura Dern, whose illusions are wiped out by a single act of unkindness.

                                                     Maybe this is just what I was not expecting.  What I was expecting was a character study, and a collision of personalities, when someone starts questioning the practices of this cultist movement called, in the movie, the Cause, but which is obviously a stand in for such things as Diannetics, EST, Scientology, and the Landmark Forum.  I lost a good friend to the last, so the idea of a film where someone destroys one of these organizations was very appealing and satisfying sounding to me.  But that is not what "The Master" is.  I am not sure, in fact, what "The Master" is, or if the movie is sure. It really does not go anywhere.

                                                        Which may account for, in its initial run, I missed it, as it seemed to vanish so fast.   With good reason; but now that its lead players have all been Oscar nominated, those like I who missed it the first time can finally have a look.

                                                           But, darlings, there is something I have GOT to prepare you for, because, oh my God, I almost had a heart attack when I first saw it.  No one told me much about the movie at all, and no one certainly told me about the scene I am to relate.

                                                             Amy Adams, looking as lovely as ever, is brilliant as Peggy Dodd, married to guru Lancaster Dodd (Hoffman) is absolutely brilliant. But this is not our pert and perky Amy, girls!!!!!!!!!  I would compare Peggy Dodd to Angela Lansbury as Mrs. Eleanor Shaw Iselin in "The Manchurian Candidate" (1962).  Though Amy goes Mrs. Iselin one better. Or, wait, let me take that back, I am certain Mrs. Iselin did the same thing to her son, Raymond Shaw, played by Laurence Harvey. It's just that such things could not  be depicted on screen, back in 1962.

                                                                    Well, now they can, and, girls, I don't know how to say it any other way, so I will come out with it, and then explain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                                        Amy Adams performs a hand job on Philip Seymour Hoffman!!!!!!!!!!

                                                                         I know, I know, it is SHOCKING!  I mean, it's as bad as if Hayley Mills.....God, forgive me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                                          I was so shocked it took me a couple of minutes into the scene to realize what was actually going on. It is clear, but not graphic, and I am sure Amy really wasn't...I certainly hope not, because ewwwwwwwwwwwww!  I mean, Philip Seymour Hoffman?????   I'd sooner have a root canal!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                                            The scene, however is important, because it turns out to be not so much an erotic gesture as one of sadistic control.  Peggy rules this house, honey, and you better believe it, as she lays down the riot act for what her husband, named Lancaster,  can and cannot do, and what she had better not find out about!!!!!!!!!!!  Talk about having a guy by the balls!!!!!!!!!!!!  Literally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                                                But I have to ask, what is it with Philip Seymour Hoffman???? Why does he permit himself to be sexually humiliated on film???????  He is a good actor, though I feel he is overrated, and, let's face it, he is not much to look at.  Several years back, he made a wonderful film that was neglected, called "Before The Devil Knows You're Dead."  He played a real slime bucket, which is perfect for him, as he looks like one, anyway!!!!!!!!!  Well, the opening shot of this film is--again, prepare yourselves, dears--the image of his naked back side on a bed, as he is furiously banging Marisa Tomei from behind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I can still recall there were audience members who screamed in distaste!!!!!!!!!!  And I don't blame them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                                                  I mean, what is up with you, Philip?????? What is next, the film version of Edward Albee's "The Goat, Or Who Is Sylvia?." with Hoffman doing a tasteful banging of the goat???????????   I swear, I will run right up the aisle!!!!!!!!!!  Better yet, I won't go. That play, on stage, was enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                                                    Another thing--how come this film did not get an NC-17 rating????????  I thought anytime there was female frontal nudity it was a given??????  Well, in this fantasy scene of Joaquin  Phoenix, there are so many naked women on camera showing all they've got, and not all are young and pretty!!!!!!!!!!   I have to give these gals credit for doing a scene like this, because you won't find me doing anything like this. Yet this film, I believe, got a R rating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                                                    And these are not even the questions I should be addressing in assessing "The Master." But when confronted with such sights, what is one supposed to do???????

                                                                                      So, be  on your guard, girls, if you go!!!!!!!!
And, I am telling you, if you need a drink or two afterwards, to get this out of your head, then, by all means, go for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                                                       And please, PLEASE Philip, stop showing us your body!!!!!!!!!!!  I am sick and tired of looking at it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!