It is hard for me to grasp, darlings, that Tinsley Mortimer is actually a graduate of Columbia University. This says, to me, a lot about how far down the tubes the so-called Ivy League has gone. It also says Miss Mortimer hardly learned anything there, because her novel, "Southern Charms", which I wanted SO desperately to like, and which is clearly inspired by the success of such lucrative writers, like Lauren Weisbergeer and Plum Sykes, I couldn't quite cotton to, because it is, frankly, a piece of crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, Tinsley, dear, I got news for you--you are nowhere in Lauren's or Plum's league!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While the book is decidedly more upbeat than Joan Didion, with Joan, you can count on a well executed sense of language, even if what she writes makes you want to put your head in an oven. "Southern Charms" doesn't have quite that effect. It just makes the reader wish that it was written by a more skillful and knowing writer.
A girl coming from Charleston, South Carolina, to make it in the big city? Fine. Nothing wrong with that. She has been narcotized as a child by fashion layouts in magazines of the day, the Eloise books by Kay Thompson, and the fantasy of running into Eloise herself a the Plaza. Cute. Charming. All right. But Tinsley, honey, when you get there, your heroine does not know jack about New York, the way most of us who come here from hither and beyond already do, plus, this writer, up to the very end, cannot decide whether she wants her heroine to remain in Manhattan, or go back home to the South. At the end, I was not convinced at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean, the Frick Ball, and The Metropolitan Fashion Gala???????? There are astute teens in the suburbs who know more about them than chronicled here, with the heroine walking wide eyed into everything, with the innocence of Judy Garland as Dorothy, walking out of that house, into that Technicolor transformed Munchkin Land. Judy/Dorothy is at least believable. But not the character here!!!!!!!! "VOGUE" and "Marie Claire" barely get mentioned, as if underestimating their importance, simply because that degree of importance is not realized. Same with Anna Wintour, who is mentioned only near the end, and with such a lack of aplomb the average reader coming to this would think she means nothing to this city. When you and I both know, darlings, she is GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Still, there were some entertaining howlers too good to be missed. Not a bit believable, but entertaining, none the less. First, the heroine. Her name is--get this--Minty Davenport!!!!!!!!!!! Oh come on, now!!!!!!!!!! Minty?????????? That is about as faux as Tinsely!!!!!!!!!!!! Minty's mother is named--oh, my God!!!!!!--Scarlett, after, yes, Scarlett O'Hara!!!!!!!!!!
I mean, how cliched??????? Then there is Trip Du Pont, an entitled schmuck from a whole family of them. The only thing Tinsley gets right is here, by having him represent the overall piggishness of affluent straight men in Manhattan!!!!!!!!!!! I was glad Minty had the sense to dump this one back in the trough, where he can spend the rest of his life eating out of, with his equally piggish buddies!!!!!!!!!! Score one here, at least, for Tinsley and Minty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Remember that charming couple I wrote about awhile back, Ramona Ponce, and Eric Mueller?????? There is even a couple in here, who reminds me of them!!!!!!!!! She is a designer, he is gay, they are married, but have a arrangement!!!!!!!! Could it be???????? I first thought of them at once, but, having met them, I distinctly got the impression they have better sense than to hang out with someone as shallow as Tinsely Mortimer!!!!!!!!!!
For simply hi-larious contrast, girls, there is Spencer Goldin, who Minty meets when she works at a PR firm, run by a Gorgon named Ruth Pine. I could not get a handle on whom
this bit of nastiness is based on, but I have an idea I will let you in on at the end of this post. Spencer is a hoot, because, who in the hell, living in New York, would believe this--he lives in NYC, he dresses impeccably, knows all the designers and social sites and places, wants, as a writer, to be the next Truman Capote, even works himself up to a position at "Vanity Fair" magazine (where I should get paid for writing this, darlings; do you hear me over there at VF???????)--and the reader is supposed to believe that this guy is straight???????????? Trying to accept this is like the literary equivalent of a Ponzi scheme!!!!!!!!! And it does not fool me one bit! When he and Minty meet for a drink at the Waverly Inn, it is with barely an acknowledgement of the importance of the place. And someday, darlings, I am going to be on a mural there, staring artfully across the wall over at Fran Lebowitz!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tinsley cannot even namedrop decently!!!!!!!!!!!!
And her star is slipping! I mean, just look at this picture! Her hair is so lacquered, and her make-up is so frozen on to her obviously over aged face, she is better suited as a wax figure at Madame Tussaud's, or, better yet, the Frank E. Campbell Funeral Home, here in town!!!!!!!!!!!
If I had known what I was in for, darlings, I would never have bothered! So, like a true humanitarian, I save you the trouble!
Oh, about Ruth Pine! I have an idea she is related to Nasty Hostess over at Delemarchier, over on the East Side. Both are cut from the same cloth--mules in horse harness! Which is my way of reminding you, that December is fast approaching so time is drawing closer to what will surely become the newest holiday social event in this city--the Annual Delemarchier Nasty Hostess Showdown!!!!!!!!!!!! I will give you plenty of info as to where and when, girls, so be there, or be square!!!!!!!!!
Tinsely, darling, you're through!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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