Girls, Some Days Will Never Be The Same!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember that old song, darlings???????? Or was it "Sundays will never be the same?" It may just as well have been in my case. I guess some out there are badly in need of a Miss Porter seminar. Well, they may just get one!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday eve, Monsieur and I rushed back to the city, and my place, because we were going to spend the night there, in preparation for my book group meeting I was hosting. Now, as far as I knew, I was expecting, seven people. I wound up with three.

Now, before I get to that, let me say that Monsieur and I cleaned and scrubbed. Monsieur especially knocked himself out, which is why I love him dearly, and which is why I suppose I feel more hurt by this than I should. I had sent out my invitations midweek, with instructions and phone numbers, and Steve promptly informed me he would be not be in attendance due to his being in San Francisco this weekend. Probably to sit in the art museum, like Kim Novak in "Vertigo," darlings.

So Monsieur and I planned for seven people. We spent over $100. Early in the say, two called to cancel. Again, no problem. Now, with three still coming, plus Monsieur, we were down to five. Fine. As I do not have access to a computer on the weekends, save for my neighborhood Internet cafe, which by the way I checked two hours before, to no avail, I had every reason to assume there would be three others beside Monsieur and myself. Thank God for Judy, because she turned out to be the only attendee. The other two I simply never heard from that day, and did not hear till this morning, where they sent me an email at a time past when I could check online that day, and this after being given my phone numbers.

Now, darlings, not everyone can be a graduate of Miss Porter's, or Princess lee Radizwill. But a course in Emily Post is badly needed. You know that Grace Codington is coming out with a new book????? I cannot WAIT, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe I should assign it next time, with hair examinations, and exercises in deportment.

It will be a long time before this hostess Hosts. Meantime, I am going to try and finish up Philp Roth's ONLY truly brilliant book, "American Pastoral" and try to contemplate who could play Merry in a movie today.

If only I had gone to Tomahawk Lake,when I had the chance!!!!!!!!!!!

See you at the beach, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlilngs, These Firefighters Will Never Make An Annual Calendar!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, I do not know what it is with heterosexuals. The engagement party Monsieur and I went to in Hopatcong, NJ, was charming as all get out in that heterosexual, New Jersey way. It was quite a shock to see a friendly group of firefighters, who could easily be mistaken for a Metro Bears or Girth and Mirth convention. These were full figured guys, darling!!!!!!!!!!!! But that was not the difficult part.

They had a DJ playing music, and would you believe this??? I knew damn well I was at a straight party, NOT because of how people acted--they were lovely to us, in fact, not because how they dressed or appeared, but because NOT ONCE from the playing area did I hear "It's Raining Men!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Now, you know this is de rigeur at gay parties, but, I mean, straight folk know this song too, which is great to dance to. Interestingly enough, no adults danced, only some of the smaller children, the girls, I am telling you, executing some very Donna McKechnie moves.

Oh, honey!!!!!!! Then we were driven back to the city by Arnelle, who had an intriguing personality, but, darling, you just could not shut him up!!!!!!!! In fact, after Bethany at the Center Library the other night, I want to lock these two in a decompression chamber, as neither would be able to get a word in edgewise. Arnelle has his issues, which I respect, but why did I get the impression there was something underbelly--ie; not quite on the up and up, about him????? He could not be accused of inarticulation. I could have done a bit less with his being articulate.

And then the Sunday we put in would scandalize Miss Porter's!!!!!!! But I will save that for another time,darlings.

Thank God tonight is just the Jane St Tavern and Cuddlesville!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cuddle this, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, The Free Things In Life Aren't Always The Best!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, sometimes a gift horse should be looked in the mouth. Several weeks ago, this strange woman, whom I had never seen--a witch, or fairy sprite, maybe, as the case may be--walks up to me with two free tickets to this play called "Jerusalem." This was not on my theatrical radar, though I was well aware of it. The London critics acted like it was the Second Coming. So I took the tickets, and Monsieur and I went Friday. And while it was not the three hours--which is how long it is!!!!!!--disaster I was dreading, it was no masterpiece. The performance was better than a play which takes a long time to tell the obvious.

Mark Ryland, in a tour de force role, plays a hedonistic individual who has abandoned social conventions for an indulgent life in a trailer in a British forest primeval, where he hangs out with a bunch of drugged out teens and hangers-on, who think he is great, like J.D. Salinger. Ho hum. They go back and forth in endless diatribes, till we learn how truly screwed up he is.

Couldn't they have done this in two and a half hours, instead of three?

Rylalnd and Company work hard, but to what effect????? The scenes are intense-complete with a fairy sprite that tries to work in the legend of St George and English folklore, but who cares??????????? If the actors were not so skilled this would have been a mess.

Monsieur was not impressed. I was, a little more, darlings, but I cannot in good conscience, recommend this to my girls!!!!!!!!!! Go to 'Priscilla', loves!!!!!!!!!!!

And let me tell you, you TONY Committee bitches, if you give this the Best Play Award, I will kick my foot through the goddamn television!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kiss my ass, "Jerusalem!" You are trash masquerading as high art, and you don't fool me a bit!

As if I could be fooled, darlings.

Darlings, Sutton May Be The Toast Of The Town, But We Still Love Patti!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, everything old is new today! Last night, the Roundabout "Anything Goes" opened at the Stephen Sondheim Theatre, with the kind of Ben Brantley review that is going to have ticket lines around the block. Of course, it helps that this is nearly a foolproof show. And with Mr. Brantley using such coy phrases as Cole Porter's "candybox score"; honey, you have to wonder when was the last time Mr. Brantley had his candybox banged???????? He needs it, I am sure!!!!!!!! Any volunteers, loves????????? Don't look at me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am sure every Theater Queen of this generation will be clamoring to see their icon, Sutton, as Reno Sweeney. It is certain to make the Spring theatrical season. But some of us more astute queens, such as yours truly, remember the fabulous Jerry Zaks production at the Vivian Beaumont, with Patti Lupone as Reno. Honey, that remains the gold standard for this show, and while I am sure this new one is enjoyable, it will not be able to hold a candle to it. The conception was brilliant from curtain raiser till the end, and Patti in that red dress is a memorable theatrical image.

Now, we love Sutton. I knew she would go somewhere after 'Millie', and she impressed the hell out of me as a lesbian activist on 'SVU'. But some of us, including moi, are loyal to Patti, and will continue to be loyal. Until we hear a quoted endorsement from Patti, we will view this production with relatively jaundiced eyes. While for the uninitiated, it should be a wake up call for what theater can be!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We love you, Patti!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, It Is Time To Revive "Queen For A Day"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am sure some of my girls have been wondering when I would get around to this, as so many of us are of a Certain Age to remember this kitsch classic. I used to watch it from my playpen. It was a combination of "Let's Make A Deal" and the annual Christmas newspaper poll of Neediest Cases. The most hard luck story mentioned on this show gets a prize--like a washing machine, egg beater; in other words, any appliance that keeps the woman in the kitchen working!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, girls, it is a New Dawn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For starters, MY "Queen For A Day" has been updated to encompass gay men ONLY. Instead of a hard luck story, only those who declare themselves the MOST FABULOUS, and why, get a prize. And the composition of prizes has changed, too--fuck those home appliances, bitch!!!!!!!!!!

Today's Prizes Include--

1. A Free Gym Membership.
2. A Gift Certificate To The Designer Store of Your Choice.
3. A One Year Subscription To VOGUE.
4. Complimentary Tkts For Two To "Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert!"
5. A Complete DVD Set Of "The Golden Girls".
6. An Autographed Broadway Poster of "Funny Girl."
7. A Collection Of Titan Media DVD's.
8. Dinner For Two At One If By Land, Two If By Sea.
9. A Time Share On Fire Island.
10.The Chance To Portray Mama Rose In Your Own Production Of "Gypsy."

Now, these are prizes worth vying for, darlings!!!!!!! Wish I could win some, or at least hand them out!!!!! But doesn't this beat that 1950s domestic crap???????

Domesticate, THIS, dolls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, A Long Overdue Tribute To This Acttress!!!!!!!!!

Well, girls, I suppose it started with "Totem," last week's episode of "Law And Order SVU". Lisa Banes was portraying Elaine Frye, and doing a damn fine job of playing this Mother From Hell. And as she got progressively more hellish, I began to wonder about other Mothers From Hell--and two distinctly came to mind.

The first was David Pelzer's mother, Catherine, chronicled in his harrowing book "A Child Called IT." The second was someone whom I simply referred to as "the mother in 'Sibyl'". Who was that, I wondered? I had not read the book in over 30 years, and I recall the paperback, with stills from the Sally field movie, and this one of a little girl on a table, legs up in the air, hooked to an enema hose, being adminsistered to her by her mother. I decided then and there I was not going to watch it.

But I cannot forget the actress who played the part, a woman named Hattie Dorsett. It was Martine Bartlett.

Martine Bartlett lived from 1925, until 2005. She died, alone, and virtually forgotten, in a motel in Tempe, Arizona, even though a brother and sister were still alive. From what I understand, darlings, they claimed the body, and buried it, but there was no service.

Martine's signature role was as Hattie Dorsett in "Sybil." It was a career breaking part, but it came with a price. She later said her performance spooked so nmany people she was never really able to get work afterwards. And this led eventually to a falling away from acting, and an itinerant life, wandering from motels between L.A, and Arizona. Why her siblings allowed this to happen I will never understand. Much as I would now like to see Martine as Hattie, it is another performance I remember her for, that of spinster English schoolteacher Miss Metcalf in the 1961 Natalie Wood-Elia Kazan-William Inge classic, "Splendor In The Grass."

It was a one scene role, but a pivotal one--where Natalie Wood loses her grip on reality and runs out of the classroom. The first time I saw the film, I hated Miss Metcalf, because I thought she was being a bitch. But subsequent viewings proved this not to be so, as when she ran out of the class in concern to see what the matter with Wood's character was. She looked the classic Inge spinster, and her stern, clipped tones defined the role brilliantly. Who could have thought that, basically, Martine really WAS Miss Metcalf.

A spinster herself, she never married. Her isolation remains enshrouded in mystery. And I will always love her as Miss Metcalf, though her performance as Hattie Dorsett is considered iconic.

Hattie was a piece of work. In addition to abusing her daughter, she dominated her husband, who loved it, and asserted her social superiority over her neighbors by--I kid you not, girls!!!--defecating in their yards!!!!!!! If it were up to me, lambs, I would just cross them off MY Social Register!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But Martine has been gone for six years, and till now there has been no obit, tribute, nothing.

You will be missed, Martine!

And I will miss Miss Metcalf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, We LOVED Diane, But The Episode Was Unsatisfying!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, this episode was hyped, but it was one big fizzle. There was no rape, it was a racist/racial revenge story, and the one who should have gone to prison (Robert Hogan as KKK Grandpa Grant Harrison) did not. I know the statute of limitations ran out, but couldn't they have gotten him on obstruction, or something????????? After some of the great episodes we have had this season on 'SVU', "Reparations" came a cropper.

But thank God Diane Neal was back as Casey Novak, and let us hope she stays and get rid of that lousy bitch, Gillian Hardwicke. Casey/Diane is a better victims advocate, gets the job done, and has better hair and fashion sense. All of which is important in court, darlings, let me tell you.

Nice to see Vondie Curtis Hall acting again. And Robert Hogan played the one we wanted to know more about, just as Lisa Banes did last week. The lack of his explanation made this current episode weak.

And Terrence Howard????????? Send him back to L.A.!!!!!!!!! In fact, who cares about "Law And Order, L.A."??????? New York is what matters, not L.A.!!!!!!!!!! Plus he played the role like he was narcoticized on codeine, which I wouldn't be the least bit surprised, if her was!!!!!!!!!!

But Diane was fabulous!!!!!!!! Bring back Casey Nocak for good next season!!!!!! I would LOVE to see her go one-on-one with Sarah Paulson as Ann Gillette!!!!!!!!!!

But not before I go one-on one with Ann, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!