Girls, I Am Telling You, Now I Can Go For Another 35 Years Without Ever Seeing "The Sentinel"!!!!!!!!!

                                           "What do you do for a living?"
                                           "We fondle each other!"
                                               --Cristina Raines and Sylvia Miles in "The Sentinel"

                                            They just don't write them anymore like that, darlings!!!!!!!!!!  But who would have thought "The Sentinel" would have turned out to be, fundamentally, a pro-Catholic movie????  Not in the same class with "The Song Of Bernadette"--no way, Jose!!!!!!!!--but pretty fundamental, when it comes right down to it.

                                             Last night, thanks to Chelsea Classics at the Clearview Chelsea, where "dreams come true," and Hedda Lettuce, I saw "The Sentinel" for the first time since my initial viewing, fresh out of college, while still in my twenties, at the now defunct Middlesex Mall Cinema, off of  Route 27 in New Jersey, on Stelton Road, on its initial release!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                You've heard me already on the film's two most famous scenes. And at last night's screening (which had low attendance, due to the obscurity of the film, and to those seeing BARBRA; I am convinced those of us who could not get tickets to BARBRA, went to see "The Sentinel."  I mean, what an alternative!!!!!!!!!!!) those scenes certainly generated as much shock value now as they did back in '77.  But the story and the cast were what got to me, this time.

                                                   Let's start with the story.  Alison Parker, an almond eyed, slightly withdrawn looking model, played by the almond eyed, slightly withdrawn and model looking, Cristina Raines, IS a successful New York City model, living with her boyfriend, attorney Michael Lerman, played by Chris Sarandon, which means, as soon as he comes onscreen, that the character is from Sleazeville!!!!!!!
He just lost his wife, two years before, under mysterious circumstances, which is why Alison feels unsure about marrying him, and wants her own space.  So, with the help of Deborah Raffin (that's right, darlings!!!!!!!  Deborah Raffin!!!!!!  Remember her?????) as girlfriend Jennifer, they go apartment hunting, until they run into Miss Logan, played by--are you ready, girls???-- Ava Gardner, in some of the best outfits seen in the film (being from MGM, she knew how to dress, honey!!!), but always with that white  hat, with the pink sash, tied at center.  Her line readings are precisely tongue-in-cheek--Ava knew a piece of crap when she saw one!  Funny thing is, though, you can't forget her in this film.

                                                Miss Logan moves Alison into this brownstone at the end of the Brooklyn Heights Promenade, with ersatz furniture, a dream view, and an old priest (John Carradine) and--NOW you know the story is Fiction--a rent of $400 a month!!!!!!  Even in 1977, for a place like this, that is pushing credibility.  Today, that place would go for $4 million!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                  Alison moves in, and begins to hallucinate about neighbors, who may and may not be there.  And she has been having memory flashbacks--she is from an affluent Baltimore family, but the product of a broken home.  Her father was a Type A scumbag, who, even when it looked like he was dying of the cancer he deserved, was caught by Alison in bed with two fat ugly lesbians (or were they home attendants????) feeding him cake!!!!!  They were "cake eaters," darling!!!!!!!  And you know what that  is a euphemism for!!!!!!!!!!!) which caused her (and the scene is done by an over aged Cristina in a schoolgirl outfit!!!!) to try and take her life!!!!!!!!!!  Why??????  Too much ugliness at home???? You better believe it!!!!!!!!!!  Because, when Daddy is dead and gone, Alison asks her mother why she stayed. Her answer is "I had nowhere else to go!," which translates into "I was a suburban whore, who wanted it all!!!!!!"
No doubt, Alison came from family dysfunction.

                                                   Now she is living in tony digs, with neighbors who may or may not be there, and things only get worse.  Like the incredibly slow pacing of this film.  It is discovered the building is owned by a society of ex-communicated Catholic priests (though why they were ex-communicated, and owning a building under the auspices of the New York City Catholic Diocesan Council, is never explained!!!!!!) who take care of the catatonic Father Matthew Halloran (Carradine), so he can stare out of his window, blind, at the fabulous view!!!!!!!!!   It turns out that this building houses the Gateway To Hell (in Brooklyn Heights????????  It can only mean Satan has pretty good taste!!!!!! Must be a homosexual!!!!!!!), which has to be guarded by a Sentinel.  Currently, that is Father Halloran.  But he is up there, not long for the world, so guess who has been chosen to step in???????  That's right, loves--Alison!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                    You've already heard me on Sylvia and Beverly as the two lesbians.  But you just can't beat the climactic scene, where the minions from Hell come out, and there is Sylvia, seated on the floor, tits flopping in the breeze, noshing down on a dismembered arm, like she was Charles Laughton in "The Private Life Of Henry VIII!!!!!!!!  The stuff nightmares are made of, darlings!!!!!!!  A real trouper, that Syl!!!!!!!  I just LOVED the scene where Cristina stabs Ghost Daddy to death!!!!!!!!!!  Too bad she didn't stab her scumbag boyfriend, who turns out to be a minion from Hell, because he orchestrated his wife's death, with a little help from--William Hickey!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                      I never heard of Cis Corman.  I don't even know if that is a man or a woman!!!!!!  But I do know this was the film's Casting Director, and what a feat was pulled off here!!!!
I mean, Chris Sarandon, Cristina Raines, Deborah Raffin, Ava Gardner, John Carradine, William Hickey,
Martin Balsam, Jose Ferrer, Arthur Kennedy, Beverly D'Angelo, Sylvia, Jerry Orbach, Tom Berenger,
Nana Visitor, Gary Allen, Jane Hoffman, Elaine Shore, Reid Shelton, Jeff Goldblum, Richard Dreyfuss and Charles Kimbrough in one film???????  Plus dozens of faceless, but known- from- TV actors??????????
Every retired ex-Golden era type, plus every character actor in New York walking the streets at this time!!!!!!   You have to hand it  it to Cis!!!!!!!!  You could not afford to cast this way, anymore!!!!!!!!!!

                                                      Which only goes to prove actors want to work, because why else would someone like Jose Ferrer or Arthur Kennedy appear in such crap?????  I just loved the stock footage of Italy, followed by the obviously-filmed-at-The-Cloisters interiors!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                        "The Sentinel" takes a key riff  from "Rosemary's Baby."  Remember how, in the Ira Levin novel, moreso than the movie, you get a history of tenancy in the building--like the Trench Sisters???   Well, "The Sentinel" takes this idea, and puts it on film.  But, like Levin, it does not go far enough with the idea.  The tenants here are all ghosts of dead murderers, with rap sheets, but we never learn what they did, or why.  I would love to know what the two lesbians did.  Maybe Sylvia killed Beverly!!!!!  No wonder she only communicates by hand; she is so traumatized!!!!!!!!!!!  The whole idea of "The Sentinel" having to be someone who survives a suicide attempt--a mark on their soul, but graced by God!!!!--then becomes a clergyman or nun before taking that coveted window seat, shows how desperate the Church is to recruit new professionals!!!!!!!!  And that shot of Cristina, in nun garb, seated in the window as "Sister Teresa," is a howler!  She looks like she might be trying to channel Jennifer Jones as Bernadette, but not with those eyes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                         Come to think of it, all the characters in this film could have done with a good, strong dose of Jennifer Jones!!!!!!!!!  Bet Jones herself was offered this one, but passed on it!!!!
Smart girl, Jen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  If you've seen "The Sentinel" before, you owe it a second viewing to remind yourself how awful it truly is!!!!!!!  If you have never seen it, you need to, to realize how truly awful a film can be!!!!!!!!!!!!!   And if you are Cristina Raines, or Beverly D'Angelo, you don't put this one on your resume (would you believe this was Bev's film debut, dolls?????) and now viewers will know why Cristina left the biz--unless she had exceptional direction, like from Robert Altman, she COULDN'T ACT!!!!!!!!

                                                         Meanwhile, Sylvia Miles is still going strong!!!!!!!  Must be all the free food she eats at parties!!!!!!!  You just gotta love her, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                          Oh, my God--really!!!!--one more  thing!  This film has several real life components.  The building Cristina lived in is still there, and can be viewed for the asking; just take a walk out along the Brooklyn Heights Promenade.  And I am convinced I know the current Sentinel.  There is this young woman at work, Imogen, who walks about mysteriously, dresses like she is trying to be Slim Keith, and who I am not sure is a vampire or a serial killer.  And while Imogen knows  quite a bit about film,
and has written extensively about it (and she writes well!!!!!!) the only film I have ever run into her at was a screening of--ready???--"Dracula" (1931), at the Film Forum!!!!!!  How about that???????  She lives, I believe, in Brooklyn Heights, and now I know where, and what she does after work!!!!!!  She goes home, and sits in that window!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You better believe it, dolls!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                          See you in Brooklyn Heights, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!