Girls, Our Goal This Week.....................

.............is to go into our kitchen and cook up a storm like Meryl Streep while looking as fresh and radiant as Amy Adams. Darling, with my superb skin and hair coloring, I am ready to go all Amy right now. I have this FABULOUS recipie for Red Velvet cake, darling, and that will be my first culinary creation. Who knows what kind of mess my kitchen will turn into; maybe it will land on Oprah. Or maybe the two predatory Asian women who crawled into my apartment in my dream last night to try and take over my apartment and my life will crawl out of my oven and try to engulf me with their passive agressive sexuality, which I will spew by spitting cake batter in their faces? Girls, help me, how can I be like Amy when I am such a bitch? Would Amy Adams get all wrought up like this? You bet she wouldn't. She would just sail graciously into the kitchen, pirouetting and arabesqing from counter to sink to oven with ingreadients and equipment while creating an exqusitite concoction. Darlings, I wish I were as exqusisite a concoction as Amy. Then maybe I could get a husband and house and do something so that this blog would pay off with a movie deal!!!! Darlings, we all want our own movie deals? I sure would love Amy Adams to play me!!! And Meryl to direct!!!!!!!

Get those kitchen utensils, ready, now, girls! Just three more days to go!

Girls, What I Have To Go Through!!!!!

Darlings, I KNOW I am SO FABULOUS and I know all you out there, think it is easy being this way, but it is not. Let me give you some insights into my life--

At 5AM my alarm goes off. That's right, girls, five AM!!! Depending on what kind of night I have had, I either turn off the alarm or toss until six. But then it is out of bed because I have a FULL beauty regimen to do. It starts with my thyroid pill, and the making of coffee, continues to fixing my face, bathing, mositurizing, doing my hair, brushing my teeth, breakfasting with that delicious coffee, my legs curled seductively onl the divan like Carol Lawrence for General Foods International Coffees. Then I have to select my designer wardrobe and get into it--WITHOUT ANYONE TO HELP ME, GIRLS!!!!! I mean, not even a maid. Or a husand!

Before dressing I do my exercises--a brisk walk, stretching and yoga. Once I dress I start out the door. And darlings, by this time it is only seven thirty! Do you hear me? Seven thirty!!!
Not even eight o clock. BUT my hair and make up are perfect.

I know so many of you out there want to be ME because you think it is fabulous. Well, darlings, it does not come without a price and the price is a hard work regimen while the rest of you can sleep past seven thirty, take a shower in the middle of the thrid period, and not have to contend with irate patrons yelling 'Fuck you' at you simply because you don't happen to have what they want?

Still want to be fabuluous, girls?

Check back with me!!!!!!

Girls, This Is Is The Week Of "Julie And Julia!"

Girls, we cannot wait to see the Divine Meryl Streep and the enchanting Amy Adams in this culinary classic which is going to send me to the kitchen utensil shop and beauty parlor simultaaneously, because I want to cook like Amy, while looking like her.

And welcome back The Raving Queen, girls! Yes, honey, the bitch is back and this bitch has plenty to bitch about--everything from burreacucratic crap to beans n' franks lesbians! The last is enough to scare Stalin, honeys!

But back to Julie and Julia--sweeties it came from a blog and I am going to record my life so that I can get a movie deal from my blog. We are going to have so much fun, and we just cannot wait till Friday! So let's see what happens, girls!!!!!!

The Return of The Raving Queen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, You Simply Have To Read "American Wife"!

Darlings, Curtis Sittenfeld's "American Wife" is the literary event of the season, and I mean, if you have not read it you will not be able to show yourself at any parties this autumn, no matter what designer you are wearing. One reason why this is such an event is that finally with this novel Sittenfeld deservedly earns all the praise she did not deserve for her first book, "Prep." Encased in the story of a first lady who just may be Laura Bush--though Priscilla, the Barbara stand-in is the real horror!-- this novel encompasses the pressures upon pre-sexual revolution men and women, the roles that these times constricted them to, and how this constriciton shaped two individuals who rose to the top of America's political heap. Girls, I never gave a damn about the Bushes, but this novel is so compelling it will have you thinking that maybe LB is more complex than we first thought. Well, darlings, anyone is. Look how complex I am, what with what it takes to be SO fabulous. So do not be the social zero at this season's array of parties.
Read "American Wife." And don't forget to shop at Diane Von Furstenberg, 14th Street and Washinton. Love to all, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, Girls, Lightning DOESN"T Strike Twice!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, last night I was so tired out from my excursions the night before I couldn't begin to set my experiences down. May the Bronte sisters forgive me!!!! Well. Monday night I decide to check out the Local Dive, where my friend, Max (you know, darlings, the nebbish) was allegedly proposed to. The Local Dive turned out to be Gene's, an Italian mainstay in the Village, on West 11th Street, which I had been meaning to try. So I tried it. And let me tell you, girls, it says volumes about the differences between Max and myself. But then remember he is the one with the relationship. I am still single and alone.

Gene's is at first glance charming. After the environment sinks in, the darkness of the lighting suggests less romantic atmosphere than a visit to the Hudson sisters' household in 'Baby Jane.' Looking around the room the clientele--whose average age is 70, and who would appear to be
gumming their food rather than digesting it--suggests more a nursing home than a romantic night spot. But then, dears, Max always was a bit of a convalescent himself, which is why he would fit right in here. The food was on the whole average, the service efficient but hardly friendly; not quite hostile, but , girls, let me tell you, if you dropped your napkin here, not only would you be expected to pick it up yourself, but you wouldn't want to see any of the staff butts bent over.

What did we learn, sweets? That this restaurant is not suitalbe for MOI. That if this is where Max was proposed it speaks volumes of a relationship that I would care not to HAVE. Darlings, when I am proposed to--and I am determined there be a WHEN--it will be at One If By Land, Two If By Sea, which is much more MY style, loves. We also learned we wasted ourselves a perfectly good evening, just like last week wasting my eyes and brain on that literary tripe called "Earthly Powers." Mr Burgess should have hung it up as a novelist after "A Clockwork Orange."

And speaking of hung, I don't care if Max or his partner are hung like horses, (I can for certain, lambs, tell you that Max is NOT) this is not what I am looking for in a restaurant, dining
expereince, or relationship.

Maybe that is what I was supposed to learn, girls! In which case the evening was a sort of success.

And just wait till tomorrow night when I bitch slap Julio with a paddle at our Book Group!!!!!

Kisses to all!

Darlings, Wot Qual-E-Fuh-KY-Tions???????????

That phrase, girls, is a tribute to the late but great Victor Buono and his iconic performance as Edwin Flagg in the equally iconic 1962 film "What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?" But we are not here to talk about that film, darlings, though let me tell you I HAVE lived it, as it represents the childhood of fame and adulation I so desperately wanted and cling to resentful bitterness that I did not get.

Girls, as stated before, as a gay man I am the IDEAL relationship partner, though as stated previously I am not Eric Evans. But neither than anyone else is but Eric Evans, and I will bet you, darlings, even he has his off days. But Eric Evans notwithstanding here are my qualifications.

1. I am drug free.
2. I am disease free.
3. I moisturize, deodorize and accessorize.
4. I know Miss Porter's.
5.I know the Ivy League.
6. I know the Seven Sisters.
7. I am open minded.
8. I am literary.
9. I know the demi monde--darlings I have dined on the demi monde circuit during the
Golden Age of Haute Cuisine--Lutece, Le Cirque, Lespinasse, La Grenouille, The
Sign Of The Dove for God's sake!!!!!!!
8. This horse has been around the track and knows all the tricks!!!!!
9. I am FAAAAAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUULOUSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10. I am trustworthy and stable--ie; capable of monogamy!

Darlings, how many gay men do you know can match this list? So why isn't my door being
batted down with eligible partners, instead of nut jobs? Girls, we have to maximize our assets
and make sure we are seen at all the right places. I have also been to One If By Land Two
If By Sea and I propose to be seen prominently at Harry Cipriani's before the summer is
out.

So, girls if you feel you can meet these specifications and would like to give me a try,
feel free! Preference given to wealthy Jewish businessmen from Great Neck. (Though
professionally, lawyers perform the best sexually.)

But it's not about sex, darlings! I have had all I can of that! What I am talking about is
stability and companionship!

Are gay men up to that, darlings? Let's find out as I make my way through New York's
romantic haunts in search of the answer--and you can follow with me. Tonight I am going
to The Local Dive, where Max supposedly got his marriage proposal. Will lightning strike
twice, sweets? Stay tuned and find out!!!!

Kisses, girls!

Darlings, Is It Possible To Become A Desperate Housewife Without Having A Vagina?????

Darlings, I am at the end of my rope! Last night at my evening church social, after I stopped the show in choir with my vocal pyrotechnics, girls, who should walk into the room but my friend Max. Now, Max is not the brightest bulb in the forrest, and when it comes to looks, frankly, he is Mr. Nebbish. I hadn't seen Max in months, which is not unusual for him. And what does he have to tell me? For the past eight months he has been dating this guy, an academic, who last
Saturday over an Italian restaurant dinner, proposed to him!!!!!

Now, sweethearts, I am happy for Max. After all, it does prove the above point, that one can get ahead without a vagina. Though gay men, as you know are prone towards using their male one, but let me tell you, darlings, I refuse to, because I want a relationship, not a booty call!!!!!!!

Getting back to the situation at hand--after congratulating Max, I had to admit I was stymied!!!! An academic??? When Max is not the most cerebral or literary creature out there???? I had to wonder--what on earth is the matter with me, and all us girls who ARE
charming, literary, bright, not quite nebbishy, but not Eric Evans, and want the same thing--a relationship--that Max seems to have but cannot find one??????

Is Botox what it is all about? Are we expected to play dumb and offer our asses skywards???
Is this what is called compromise. I ask you, girls, what can all this mean?????

Wiser heads would say you haven't seen what Max is getting, which is true. They would also say I am NOT Max, meaning what I want in a relationship differs from his. I mean, girls, I am SO highly qualified-- I know show music.
I know designers.
I KNOW that I am FAAAAAAAAAABULOUSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am the essensce of hygenic glamour, which let me tell you some gay men out there could take a lesson from me on. I mean, you don't have to be Miss Porter's, but at least bathe!!!! Me, I have to be Miss Porter's, darlings!!!!!

Is it too much to ask? All I want is a nice, rich Jewish husband and a house in Great Neck. Then I can retire from this career rat race, read all my books, and become an alcoholic!!!!!! At least THEN I would have a reason for becoming an alcoholic!!!! But without a man or a house, there is no excuse in my case.

So stay tuned, darlings! This column will report loud and long about the struggles of the unfulfilled gay man--namely me, darlings!--for a realtionship!

And what of Max? I wish him well, but I will NEVER, EVER stoop to whatever level he was reduced to in order to get a man!! Girls, we should all get them on OUR terms!!!!!!!

Don't you agree, dears????