Darlings, Such High Camp On 'Criminal Intent'!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's see, girls, what night was it? Thursday, I think!!!! I had met Monsieur at the Strand, solved "The Instructions" problem, we dined, then settled in at home for a cozy evening, which meant stretching out in bed, relaxing with some nice social deviants and/or serial killers!!!!! In this case, it was "Law And Order, Criminal Intent," which featured two episodes of such high camp--one of which I had seen before--that I knew all my girls would just have to be informed about, because you have just GOT to see them, darlings!!!!!

The first, previously viewed, was called "Identity Crisis," an interesting mixture of Dave Pelzer's disturbing book, "A Child Called IT," and Alfred Hitchcock's "Shadow Of a Doubt." What a twisted tale of sickness this one is, lambs!!!!!!

It starts out in the past, with two little boys, the Burris brothers, Tommy, and his younger sibling, Anthony. They live in the White Trash section of Hershey, Pennsylvania, which already gives them problems right there. But there is no father, because it becomes apparent that Daddy has split a long time ago, because his wife, their mother, is clearly schizo!!!!!! Added to which, this sick bitch abuses the younger son, Anthony, by placing a heated electric iron on his arm. The other boy, Tommy, she invites into her delusional world, where she dresses up in cheap gowns, costume jewelry, and fake tiaras, looking like a social reject from one of Truman Capote's Sixties parties!!!! Nice, huh?????

As the story begins, the boys are in the kitchen, downstairs. Tommy is putting balm on Anthony's horribly burnt arm!!!!! Should this bitch fry, or what????? Well, wait!!!!!

At the time this is going on, nutso Mommy is whopping it up above, having some kind of delusional party of her own in the tub, dressed in her ersatz costume, making noise, allowing the water to flow out of the tub, onto the floor, and through the ceiling. The boys go upstairs, to try to put a stop to this. One of them goes into the room, and something happens. A walled heater suddenly comes loose, falls into the tub, and the abusive hag gets sizzled to a crisp!!!! Good riddance!!!! The last thing we see here are the boys covering their eyes or ears, to drown out their mother's dying screams.

Now, twenty years later, we meet Graydon Vanderhoven, and his socialite wife, Lukie!!! They are Upper East Siders--where else, darlings???-- and are dressing for some big social event, where Lukie is going to be honored. Graydon may be all dolled up, but something about his manner suggests he does not belong in this social whirl!!!! Leave it to a North Sider from Highland Park to recognize that one, darlings!!!!! When he receives a phone call, he becomes agitated, but agrees to go out and meet the caller. Who does it turn out to be, but the adult Anthony, and who does Graydon turn out to be, but the adult Tommy Burris!!!!! Seems the brothers have been separated and estranged--partly by the abuses of the foster care system, and partly by Graydon/Tom's desire to lose his White Trash Identity, so that he can live the High Life he feels he is entitled to!!!!! He (Graydon) agrees to make peace, offers to take Anthony to dinner, and talk. But as they walk, Graydon lags behind, and when Anthony turns, the last thing he sees is his brother, firing a bullet, killing Anthony, yelling, "I'm never going back!"

What are Goren and Eames to do???? They have a body, but the perp has vanished. When they talk to Lukie, she tells them about the call, and about Graydon going out. She happens to mention they are both Princeton alums, but he backed out of the social to meet a mysterious caller. When she got home, the place was ransacked, and Graydon was gone....and it seems for good!!!!! Lucky Lukie!!!!!

The detectives are stumped. Meanwhile, Graydon is out on the Island, representing himself as a novelist named Tyler Chisolm, but still a Princeton grad, and putting the make on his realtor, Julianna, a gullible Princetonian, who buys his story and falls in love with him!!!! The High Life beckons again!!!!!

Julianna is smitten, but her father is wisely suspicious of this guy and his credentials. Graydon continues to lie his way into their circle, and his story can't be broken. But Goren and Eames are not to be underestimated, for they have established the Princeton Connection. Lukie tells them she was a grad there, and when she met Graydon, he said he was and she believed him, because, among the many details he knew about the school, was the secret recipe of this dish made by an elite social organization, known as the Occidental Club.

It is here the detectives learn a couple of things!!!!! They learn that Graydon Vanderhoven was really Tommy Burris, and the reason he knew what he did about Princeton, was he worked in the kitchen there!!!! He was smart, audited some classes, but never matriculated. They also delve into the Burris past, and learn about abusive Mommy, the case that resulted in a near conviction of murder for Tommy, and that the victim in the present, was Tommy's younger brother, Anthony. They track down Anthony's wife, in a trash supermarket in Connecticut, where she works. She says Anthony's early life problems, and the foster system, plus loss of his brother, made him "damaged goods," and he could not keep anything together--job, marriage, anything. He was seeking out his brother, as he had not much time left, having been diagnosed with terminal lymphoma. So Graydon killed his brother for nothing!!!!!

Goren and Eames learn several more things. While working at Princeton, Tommy always called himself Count of Haugwitz, and he was fired, when a Russian professor questioned his heritage, and he got violent. Goren notices a plaque on the wall--a memoriam to five young men from Princeton, who died in a mountain climbing accident. The names on the wall match surnames of these men's widows. It becomes clear that Graydon/Tommy, under the delusion that he is royalty, and using his Princeton knowledge, has gone after each of the widows, bilking them out of money, so that he can live the High Life, then running out on them once he has drained them financially. And Julianna is the last one on the list!!!!!! It is clear to Goren, whose mother was disturbed in some way, that Graydon/Tommy has clearly inherited his mother's illness. This is confirmed, by a photo found of the boys and their Mom; she is decked out in her party regalia, and has Tommy bedecked in a royal outfit. Anthony stands, staring sadly, clearly on the outs, not having been invited into this game of delusion. Clearly, Mommy recognized Tommy had symptoms of her own illness, and she aligns with him, while abusing the more "normal" Anthony!!!!!!!

Time is running out, before Julianna gets conned. They bring both she and Lukie in. Lukie will not compromise her social reputation, so she clams up. Eames gets Julianna to admit she saw "Tyler" one day out in a boat, holding a gun, looking as though he were going to kill himself. When he sees her, he throws it into the water. Julianna indicates the spot, and they find the gun; it is the one that killed Anthony. So they bring Graydon in.

This is where the tragedy comes home, darlings!!!! They tell him they know he is Tommy Burris, and they know the victim was his younger brother, Anthony. They play for him the interrogation tape of the cops getting the younger Anthony to testify against his brother, saying it was Tommy, who killed his mother. But Goren tells him he (Tommy) did not do it. What really happened was Tommy was downstairs, and Anthony was upstairs. His mother was trying to coax him into the tub with her, as some sort of twisted amendment for her abusive burns, and, in their struggle, the heater was accidentally loosened from the wall, and fell in the tub. So, Tommy took the rap for Anthony, who would have been charged otherwise, as no one would have believed it had been an accident. Then foster care split them up, and, as he got older, and without his brother to look after and keep him grounded, Tommy's illness got worse, till he evolved into the madman he is today. They tell him that Anthony wanted to see him, not to upset his precious lifestyle, but to explain he had not much time left, and just wanted to put things to right. That his brother never stopped loving him. Tommy breaks down, to a fadeout. Yeah, right. Crocodile tears, honey!!!!!

It just goes to prove, ever since "Cinderella," you gotta watch out for those nutso Moms. And if you are living with one, get outta there FAST!!!! Become a nightclub singer, a transgender person, just get away ASAP!!!!! That is the moral of the story, in order to avoid the tragedy just seen. And learn to recognize the symptoms by a mother's distorted fashion sense!!!!!!

Now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As if this were not enough, the evening also offered "Masquerade," which I had never seen, and my girls, you have got to see this, because it is a HOOT!!!!!!

Basically, this is a retelling of the Jon Benet Ramsey story!!!!! Here, she is called Amberleigh Harner, and let me tell you, darlings, I should have been cast in this role, because I have been doing that Pink Princess act for years!!!!!!

Added to which, Amberleigh's mother, Beth Harner, standin for Patsy Ramsey, is played by--are you ready, girls??????--Liza Minnelli!!!!! I kid you not, darlings!!!!!! LIZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In this retelling, Amberleigh is some kind of child performer, and Beth a former beauty queen. Liza plays it, darling, like Mamma Rose from "Gypsy" on anti-depressants, which, knowing Liza, may very well be the case. I thought they were going to go with her as the aggrieved stage mother, put out that her daughter was acting up, and wanted out of the biz. Very similar to Patsy Ramsey's case. I still feel Patsy did it, out of the aforementioned, and because John Ramsey was sexually abusing his daughter, and Patsy was jealous of that daughter because she was getting some, and Patsy wasn't!!!!! Never mind concern for your daughter, bitch!!!!!

Like in the one before, it turns out to have been a tragic accident. Beth Harner's next door neighbors, the Royces, have profited from her misery, because Nat Royce (Bill Irwin) has made a career of writing books and articles about Amberliegh's case.
The murder happened on Halloween, and, at a party at the Harners that night, son Jamie Royce, got into a fight with Amberliegh, pushing her into unconsciousness, thinking he killed her. He told his parents; Mom tells him to hush up, and Dad goes to dispose of the body. BUT, it turns out Amberleigh was not dead, and, to protect his reputation, and guarantee career success for himself, Nat Royce smashes the child's skull, insuring she is dead. He then lets his son go on believing his guilt, leading him into a state of drug addiction and homelessness, which Daddy does nothing about, so that his career and reputation be preserved!!!!! This daddy is the one who needs to get his skull bashed in!!!!!!!

These revelations take place in the final scene, set in a mausoleum, where Beth has gone to pay her respects for her daughter, whose 10th Halloween anniversary it happens to be. Now, Liza may have camped it up throughout, but when she realizes her daughter was still alive, but her neighbor killed her, the look of shock, horror, and revulsion on her face was so palpable that one could not help but feel for her. Then they drag off that smarmy Nat Royce.

But wait. The show might have been better, and should have ended this way, if, after Royce was hauled away, Liza walked up the mausoleum stairs, back to camera, stopping halfway. She turns, does a Fosse pose, the camera closes in, and she goes into a rendition of "City Lights!" Now, that would have been a finish!!!!!

This was a hoot, girls, and you have to see it!!!!!! The only thing that tops this is the YouTube presentation, "Shit!Liza Minnelli Says!!!!!"

"Come have a cigarette with me, darling!!!!"
"Ann Miller! ANN Miller!!!! ANN MILLER!!!!!!!!!"
"Darling, I love you, you're fabulous....OW!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Love to all MY darlings, darlings!!!!!!!!!!