Girls, Here Is The Story I Promised!!!!!!!

When I first read the book, "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo," darlings, I could not put it down; especially once I discovered it was a serial killer story, which, knowing nothing of the story at the time, I had not expected. Then I saw the Swedish film version in 2009, which blew me away!!!!! So, when I heard that Hollywood was going to do its own movie version thereof, I said "Oh, shit!" But, once I found it was to be directed by David Fincher ("SeVen", "Zodiac") I got interested, because I know David knows his serial killers, and, darlings, I have always wanted to work with him.

As soon as I finished the book, and heard the news of a Hollywood film version, there was no question in MY mind as to who should play Lisbeth Salander--Ellen Page!!!!, a great actress, who would have done a kickass job!!!! Then I remembered that Ellen had sort of "been there, done that" with her role in "Hard Candy," so I surmised she would not be interested in this, and others would be considered.

With Lisbeth Salander being such a star making role, David Fincher directing, and a serial killer story to boot, I thought, "I should go up for this!"

But, sweeties, I am telling you, MY agents don't do Jack!!!! I have to do everything myself!!!! So, I got on the phone to David Fincher.

"Dave, baby," I said from Bergdorf's, while sipping a Bellini, "Good to talk to ya, love your work!!!! I want to read for Lisbeth!!!!

I could just picture his eyes rolling, but I can be persuasive, darlings, so, finally, he said he would come to New York, and give me a read!!!! For me, it was a no brainer!!!! A girl who sodomizes her rapist, with a dildo????? No Problem!!!!!!!

Well, of course, Fincher loved my reading!!!! But, when I made it clear I wanted to play Lisbeth on MY terms, which meant no tattoos or piercings; I wanted to go all glam, like in the airport scene near the end, where I get to do my Anna Wintour thing, Dave said no; while I DID ace the glam scenes, the rest would have to be played as written!!!!!

"Listen," I told him!!!! "Do you think Meryl Streep does piercings???? Or Amy Adams????" But he wouldn't listen, and I could see negotiations were falling through!!!! I was desperate to be a part of this project!!!!! So I had to act fast!!!!!

I offered to read for Mikael Blomkvist!!!! Again, the reading went fine, but when I had to show my pecs, I knew I could not hold a candle to Daniel Craig!!!!!!
I mean, some wag there told me I needed the Jane Russell 18 Hour Bra!!!! Bitch!!!!!!
What was i to do?????

So I opted for the role of Martin Vanger!!!!! An evil serial killer???? Piece of cake!!!!! But Dave said I looked too innocent!!!!! Honey, when playing a serial killer, there is no such thing as looking TOO innocent, because that is how most serial killers do appear, in order to pull the wool over everyone's eyes!!!!! And, judging from Stellan Skarsgard's performance, I guess Fincher wanted a drooling, glaring maniac, staring straight into the camera!!!! Not the way I do it, darlings!!!!!

I even offered to do the smaller role of evil Gottfried!!!! But when Dave saw me in the SS getup, he said I looked like I should be in the "Springtime For Hitler" number from "The Producers!" It was humiliating!!!!! I even offered to do the role of Bitch Matriarch Isabelle Vanger; all I had to do was sit, look glamorous, and glare at the camera!!!! But kiss ass Dave gave me that old line about how it would be beneath my talents and resources!!!! Yeah, sure, baby, but I just wanted in on the property!!!!!

So, girls, that is the story of how I was turned down for "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo"!!!!! And guess who is having the last laugh!!!! None other than me!!!!! Bad reviews, poor box office, a script that takes all the juice out of the story, a film of interminable length--Dave, baby, you should have listened to ME!!!!!!

Like Neely says in "Valley Of The Dolls," "I know it's a rotten business...but I LOVE it!!!!!!!!!!!!!"