"Now, Different Is Nice, But It Sure Isn't Pretty, Pretty Is What It's About!!!!!!!!!"

All my girls know that lyric is sung by Bebe Benzenheimer (originated by Nancy Lane, back in 1975), singing "At The Ballet", in "A Chorus Line." But it might just as well have served as the title of last week's episode of 'SVU', entitled "Theater Tricks." Girls, you have just GOT to meet Holly Schneider, played to a tee by Julliard trained actress Gayle Rankin. Honey, when it comes to theatrical bitchery, Holly makes Eve Harrington come off like Rebecca Of Sunnybrook Farm"!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Theater Tricks" begins on the opening night of "Ninth Circle--Dante's Inferno," an interactive presentation, where the audience walks through and witnesses all the Circles Of Hell. They could have accomplished the same thing with some of the men I used to date!!!!!!! Anyway, one actress, Megan, is portraying this medieval Italian ingenue, named Francesca (when was the last time you saw that name, darlings, outside of a spaghetti sauce jar????) who is having an adulterous affair with Giovanni, who looks about as medieval as your average NYC gay sex party participant, what with his taut, body, tight pants, and even tighter chest, encased in a leather halter. We've all seen it before, loves. The "dramatic" confrontation takes place, when, suddenly, someone in a goat mask, barges in, and attacks Megan, while someone from behind holds her down. The whole thing looks staged, but what we the viewer realize is what those in the scene don't know is that Megan is truly screaming for her life; the audience does not get that, thinking it is just part of the show, and Megan is doing a convincing job of acting!!!!! At the end of the evening, she is found by her sleazoid director, Ted Scott (played by an equally sleazoid looking Fisher Stevens!!!),, curled up in shock on the set. Let me tell you, darlings, if Fisher Stevens can STILL get a job, there is hope for all of us!!!!!! And doesn't he look terrible, darlings???? Way too much partying and drugs!!!!!!!!!! At first, I thought Megan was dead, but she is in shock. She tells about being raped, and the SVU team is called in. The first thing I want to say is that I knew the interactive presentation was inspired by the recent real life one, based on "Macbeth", entitled "Sleep No More". The second is, why would anyone with good cultural sense pay to see some ersatz imitation of Stanley Kubrick's "Eyes Wide Shut," when they can just go out and rent/buy the DVD of that rather exasperating film??? At least this episode was not dragged out as long as that!!!!!!!!!!! Olivia and Company are stumped, because there is no shortage of suspects. The director, as mentioned, is as sleazy as they come, not above, doing private "scene work" (wink!wink!) with his actresses. One of Megan's groupies, a guy named Jason, is a computer geek so addicted to voyeurism, he bugs not only Megan's place, but his own, where he lives with his elderly mother (a clear sign something is wrong with him!) and can be seen rubbing her bare feet!!!! (Ewwwwwwwww!!!!!!) Not to mention that one of the patrons at the theater event turns out to be a judge, who is into kinky sex. They find out he was wearing the goat mask, and he was the one who "raped" her, while an overzealous theater critic (and probably a frustrated actor, himself) was in a hawk mask, holding Megan down from behind. The critic, by the way, is played by a rather aged Grant Shaud, who used to be kinda cute when he played the producer Miles on "Murphy Brown," but, girls, let me be the first to tell you, Time has not been good to him!!!!!!!!!! Except, as the judge maintains, it was not rape, because Megan, he says, asked for it, as her fantasy. It turns out Megan's pic has turned up on an Internet site called "Sugar Babyz," where young girls troll for wealthy older guys to be their Sugar Daddy. And the judge produces a slew of emails Megan wrote to him. But when the SVU squad confront Megan, she acknowledges it is she in the picture, but she knows nothing about these emails, as she did not write them, and she has never met Judge Gerald Crane (played by Kevin Pollack). The judge lawyers up--and get this!!!!--his legal representative is his ex-wife! Guess she got everything she wanted in that divorce settlement, darlings!!!!!!! Remorseful he did rape Megan, because, while he admits to kinks and fetishes, he says he does not like to hurt women. They had even agreed on a safe word--"Dixie!"--if she wanted him to stop, but the word never came up. So the judge is both remorseful, and concerned for his career. That word, "Dixie," provides another clue to the puzzle; it was the name of the first play Ted Scott directed in New York. Which suggests Ted was in on the rape, but he denies it, saying someone is trying to set him up. Despite Ted's sleaziness, he is, at this point, telling the truth. Because, when they go through the Judge's dating history on the website, they find someone who knows both the Judge AND Ted. The judge describes her as being "plainer than most", and their discovery shocks them--it is Megan's roommate and friend, Holly Schneider. With the show permanently shut down, due to the crime, the team goes to the theater, where they find Megan in her dressing room cleaning stuff out. Holly is helping her. When they say they know who the perp is, Holly shows concern, then relief, as they at first suggest it was Ted. But Megan presents a good case that it could not be he, sleazy though he be. The detectives then turn their gaze on Holly, who begins to squirm. Megan is uncomfortable. Slowly, it is revealed to Megan, that Holly had had sex with the judge, AND Ted, and that she has had such with many others, being a big "star" on the "Sugar Babyz" website. Holly says she had to do something to pay the rent; it is intimated Megan is getting financial help with this from her parents (Megan is most likely from a wealthier family than Holly) and Holly is not. Though Holly acted out with both the Judge and Ted (because she wanted the role Megan got!!!!) she still feels degraded, and wanted some kind of revenge. So, she set up the whole thing on computer, victimizing not only Megan. but the Judge, and even Ted Scott!!!!! Sick bitch!!!!! Not even Eve Harrington went this far!!!!!!! So, two girls move to NYC from the Midwest to be actresses. One is pretty, and one not so. Honey, that scenario went out with "My Sister Eileen"!!!!!!!! What Megan did not know, was Holly was a seething time bomb of resentment towards her--because she happens to be prettier. Holly says it was supposed to be HER audition, that Megan was just along to help her run lines. But as soon as Ted saw Megan (after Holly had fellated Ted, to her disgust!!!!!!) he wanted her--and Holly was out in the alley, with the other rejects!!!!!!!! She even turns her resentment on Amanda Rollins (Kelli Giddish), asking her how long she has been in New York, and already she is a detective???? The intimation being that Rollins got her post because she is pretty. Holly is really hung up on looks!!!!!!! Rollins cuffs her, and, as she drags her away, the sweetly naive Megan asks Holly, "Why? I was your friend!". Holly delivers a chilling answer. Fed up with how she thinks things have come so easy to Megan because of her looks, she tells her, "I thought it was about time something bad happened to you in your life!" Darlings, take the key and lock her up, and throw it away!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, darlings, let me tell you, as one who has trod the boards a bit, the theater is a rough life, but not nearly as rough as this. Holly's criminality is simply a case of poor judgement. She is damned lucky she got arrested, because let me tell you, with her self-esteem issues, coupled with her sexually addictive behavior, Holly was headed down the same path as Theresa Dunn in "Looking For Mr. Goodbar." Sooner, or later, one of these degrading hook-ups would have done her in!!!!!!!!! I mean, anyone who would have sex with Fisher Stevens has got to be desperate, considering how terrible Fisher looks these days! And unconventional looks are not that much of an acting deterrent anymore; with women, the move to such was started back in the Sixties by BARBRA, while today actors like Philip Seymour Hoffman and John C. Reilly prove you do not have to be centerfold material to be a good actor!!!!!!!!! And how about Jonah Hill????? Holly's whole plan was for naught. Megan tells her at one point that she (Holly) is the better actress, and I can believe that, but what Holly cannot do is assess herself objectively. She should never have gone up for something like Francesca in this thing, because, I don't care who she screwed, or how many times, there was no way she would be cast at all!!!!!! She simply was not the type!!!!!!!! But, as Holly said, she was tired of being the Ugly Duckling, so she went for glam roles!!!!! But, girls, let me tell you, she should have set her sights on character or comedic parts, where she would have had a chance, because, like the song in "Funny Girl" says, "If a girl isn't pretty, like a Miss Atlantic City, all she gets in life is pity, and a pat!!!!!!!!!!" Poor Holly! IF she weren't such an evil bitch, you could feel sorry for her. I swear, I think she might have been a werewolf, too, because in the final, revealing scene, I swear her eyebrows were bushier than usual. Wonder if it was a full moon, loves??????????? The other thing, and believe me, I know, is getting cast in an interactive theater production is nothing to get jealous over. If Megan had been cast on Broadway, in something with the cachet of, say, "August:Osage County," OK. But the kind of show portrayed on here is usually done in really crappy venues, is often not union sanctioned, meaning the pay is abysmal. Nothing to get jealous over, darlings, believe me. Just to let you know, Holly got 25 years in prison, so her acting career is finished, unless, when she comes out, she can do horror grannies!!!!!!! And the judge was charged, but, due to the circumstances, he will plead out!!!!!!!!! Theater was never like this when I was doing it, darlings!!!!!!!! But you just have to love AND hate Holly!!!!!!!! She is one of those perps I wish they would bring back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stick with "Gypsy," or "Valley Of The Dolls," girls!!!!!!!!!!!