Darlings, Let MeTell You About This PIG!!!!!!!!!

Girls, in the final analysis, it all comes down to Joan Crawford!!!! But she is not the pig in question!!!!!!!!

I wish I could post my Mother's picture--back in 1964, we did the California tourist thing, and of course we went to Grauman's Chinese Theater and stood in footprints. There was a photo--taken for posterity--of my Mother standing in the immortal footprints of....Joan Crawford!!!!!! A family heirloom that deserves to be found.

But, honey, let's get current. Yesterday I am reading David Denby's New Yorker article "The Case For Joan Crawford." Considering the issues I have with Denby over his heterosexual proselytizing every other sentence in his "Great Books" tome, I have to say the writing here was pretty good. I kept wondering, though--why, right now, an article about Joan Crawford??? It seemed to come out of nowhere!!!!!

Then I saw the motive--yet another Joan Crawford bio. Nothing to phase me there, but when I saw who the author was, I am telling you I nearly screamed!!!!!!!!
Donald Spoto!!!!! Donald Spoto!!!!!! Darlings, it is time for me to spill the beans on HIM!!!!!

Let's start with the minor stuff. All my girls know, I am sure, that as soon as "The Song Of Bernadette" was released on DVD, I went out and bought a copy!!!! Which I still watch every Easter Sunday!!!!!

The film came with an audio commentary by two renowned film writers--Edward Z. Epstein, author of the Jennifer Jones bio "Portrait of Jennifer," and Mr. Spoto, whose singular work of any distinction to this day remains his Hitchcock bio, "The Dark Side Of Genius." He has also written stuff on religion in Hollywood films, and fancies himself a theologian!!!!!! HAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One afternoon, I decided to watch the film with the commentary, to see if I would learn anything more about this film masterwork. Girls, I did not; how could I, when I know it all????? But let me tell you, I heard a glaring inaccuracy, spoken, I believe, by Mr. Spoto, but which should have been caught by either Mr. Epstein, since he penned the Jones bio, or at least the manufacturers of the DVD.

The commentary mentioned actress Mary Anderson, who appears in the film, and may now be the only remaining cast member still alive!!!!! It stated that in the film, she played Bernadette's sister, Marie!!!!!!!

"WRONG!" I screamed at the screen. First of all, sister Marie was played by Ermadean Walters, a native of St. Joseph, Missouri, who may or may not still be alive, and for reasons unfathomable to all, because she was so so promising here, this was the only film she made. Mary Anderson was a renowned character actress and Hollywood type. At eighteen, she made her screen debut in the bit role as Maybelle Merriwether in "Gone With The Wind." She went on to appear in 'Bernadette,' "Wilson," and other distinguished films, after which she stopped acting, and married cinematographer Leon Shamroy, who, by the way, darlings, photographed Jennifer Jones' screen test for 'Bernadette'!!!!!!

But does the commentary mention any of this????? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nor does it mention, correctly, that Mary played the role of Bernadette's schoolmate, Jeanne Abadie, who, like Marie, was with her at the time of the initial Vision!!!!!! She played Jeanne, stupids, not the sister!!!!!!!!

I could not believe such an inaccuracy got by, and on such a distinguished film!!!!!! I was fit to write to Twentieth Century-Fox!!!!!! Hell, she was still alive THEN, I should have written to Jennifer Jones!!!!!!!! OR Mary Anderson!!!!!!!!!!!

But, then, I figured, it is SO typical that slime like Spoto would let such an error slip through!!!!! Which I was reminded of yesterday, while reading Denby, so now it is time to come clean about Spoto!!!!!!

Listen up, girls!!!!!!!!

Back in the 1980's, I was an innocent, young lad, still in my 20's, and trying to stave off the Curse Of Spinsterhood!!!!! In this pre-Internet age, there were the Personal Ads, and for gay men, the ones to advertise and respond to, could be found in the now defunct New York Native. Around this time, I placed an ad, honest in intent, saying I was seeking a long term relationship, with someone of like minded cultural, intellectual and literary interests. I sifted through the usual bunch of crackpots, when I came across this eloquent letter stating that not only was he interested in books and films, he writes them!!!! Of course, I was intrigued, as he intended me to be, and we began a correspondence, but he was very cagy on identifying himself. The letter writing kept up to a point to where we knew it had to go beyond this, so phone numbers were exchanged (I do not recall who contacted whom) and his identity was revealed--Donald Spoto!!!! I could tell he was condescending enough to think this naive young thing would not know who that was, but no sooner was the name out of his moth, then I piped up--"Oh! "The Dark Side Of Genius!" I think he was floored that he was dealing with such intelligence. So much so that it seemed to motivate him wanting to meet me.

A date was set, and against my better judgement, I agreed to meet him at his apartment, which was then on Sheridan Square in the Village, above the bar known as the Monster. Things began amiably enough; we even discussed "The Song Of Bernadette" and Jennifer Jones. I thought we would chat, then go out and have a nice, romantic get-to-know-you dinner. Instead, the lech pounced, and I mean with a savagery that bordered on rape!!!!!!! He chased me through the apartment--this was not funny, darlings; I was terrified!--where I eventually locked myself in the bathroom!!!!! I was SO traumatized that not only did I have to urinate, but when I did (and this is the ONLY time this has ever happened) I pissed solid blood!!!!!! I was so scared of that, it got me out of the bathroom, where even Spoto could see I was upset over something beyond what happened between us. Somehow, I made it out of there safe, eventually went to the doctor, who assured me things were all right, and that was that.

Except, realizing what a pig Spoto was, I took every opportunity to denounce him, and still do. And now he is supposedly living in Denmark, with his "artist-administrator husband!!!!" Denamark!!! Hah!!!!!!! I be he had to flee the country like Roman Polanski!!!!!!!

I am sure Polanski was more of a gentleman than Spoto ever thought of being. Every so often, hearing his name brings on these memories. I have moved past his piggishness, feeling sorry instead for those he subsequently came across. And of course, the lesson, girls, is to ALWAYS meet in a public place, not THE MAN's place!!!!!!!

But, honey I cannot forgive that erroneous 'Bernadette' inaccuracy. For this, more than all else, Mr. Spoto will burn in Hell!!!!!!

Cat On A Hot Tin Pitchfork, you pig!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And love to all my girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!