Girls, Everything You Have Heard About It Is TRUE!!!!!!!!

Well, darlings, Friday night still being April Fools, Monsieur and I did the most appropriate thing we could have done in recognition of this annual day.

We went to the theater, and saw "Spider Man:Turn Off The Dark"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me tell you how tbis came about. Monsieur has had this secret curiousity to see this show, and, I have to confess, so have I. His workplacce has just moved to the downtown Brooklyn, Metro Tech area, and nearby is a TKTS booth, where you can get tickets to shows on your lunch hour, and even a day in advance for the Saturday matinees. Now, I told Monsieur my first choices were "How To Succeed........." and "Good People," but there was no chance of either, so Monsieur made a decision with "Spider Man," and off we went.

First of all, darlings, I knew we were in trouble, as we entered the theater. A bunch of out of towner, bride and tunnel types, the women with so much hair frosting, and the guys with so many chains around their necks, I thought I was back in Newark, New Jersey. Let me tell you, when someone shouts out "Hey, Dawn!" in a crowd, it is going to be bad. First of all, I cannot stand the name Dawn. It is like a dish detergant. And most of the Dawns I have known were dumb sluts!!!!!!!!!

Added to which the audience was so goddamned heterosexual. And not urban heterosexuals, whom are tolerable, but that most abhorent of species, suburban heterosexuals!!!!!!! I swear, Monsieur and I were the only gays in our area. He said he saw others scattered elsewhere, but I am betting that when the light came up after Act One, they scattered out of the theater. I would not have blamed them.

Where to start? The lights go down, ominous music starts, and a section of stage is lifted airborne on an angle. The lights come on, Spider Man, to tumultuous aplause, crawls up the building, while, tied by rope, Mary Jane is dangling below, screaming. Suddenly, she falls, and Spidey screams out, "M.J."!!!!!!!!!! I have to confess, at this point, I actually thought maybe this would not be so bad. But was I wrong!!!!!

At stage right, appear a group of rasa types masquerading as musicians. At stage left, appears what is termed a Geek Chorus, who can't make up their minds if they should be appearing in :"Rent" or "Merrily We Roll Along." That is just it; nobody, ergo, Julie Taymor, knows what to do here, because the show is all over the place. It goes back and forth in time, the lab scenes look like outtakes from "Metropolis" or "Things To Come;" everyone tries to play this all so seriously, while, thank God, the Green Goblin camps it up!!!! As for Arachnie, whatever happened to the days when Donna or Baayork just came out and danced?????
Not even they could have saved this mess. And all of Taymor's lovely tricks--swinging peach sheets billowing with swingers in between, that then weaves itself pot holder like, may look lovely, but what has it got to do with anything?????
Same with the music; do they go for ersatz rock, or Rodgers and Hammerstein???? They try for both, and neither juxtaposes together. Isabel Keating, who was nominated for a TONY for her role in "The Boy From Oz", plays Aunt May, who is central to the Spider Man story, and not only does she get short shrift, would you believe she does not even get a musical number????? I mean, come on!!!!!!!!

Almost worse than all this was how the audience around us was eating it up. After about the third revolving flight around the theater, I was like, "OK, now show us something different." But they just kept on repeating themselves. The audience even went crazy in Act Two, when there was a scenery malfunction, the show had to be stopped, and dozens of techies came out onstage-to thunderous aplause from those who probably had no idea such people existed--and let me tell you, they were actually better than the show itself. So, of course, at the end of the evening, this show gets a standing ovation, when everyone should have been running from the theater, like when King Kong broke lose. You know what I have said, about how a trained seal would get a standing ovation????? I would rather have seen a trained seal!!!!!!!!!

This is pretty mmuch what Miss Taymor put up there, as the show has not shut down for rework yet. They should just close it; no amount of rework will save this clunker. And where did the $65 million go???? I can tell you that, darlings, right into Miss Taymor's coffer. Take the money, and run, bitch!!!! After all, the joke is on the audience!!!!!!!

Except last night's audience was too dumb to know that. Nevertheless, I have seen "Spider Man." It is one for the ages, and that is NOT a compliment!!!!!!! It needs to have its head bitten off by an enormous Black Widow!!!!!!!!!!!

Start biting, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!