Girls, Sometimes I Cannot Believe I Live In Queens!!!!!!

Girls,I am telling you, it is sad to think the Raving Queen lives in Queens, which has to be one of the most unsophisticated places on the planet!!!! No bookstores or lesbians (not that lesbians are sophisticated, well some are!!!!), and though it is famous for Julie Powell, that has not raised its quotient. And don't get me started on the faux sophistication of Astoria, with its Greek restaurants and Film Musuem. My girls knows what that is called. An anomaly, darlings!!!!!!!!

So it was disturbing that last night found me engaged socially in Queens. I was with my lovely Monsieur, of course, who is trying to guide me still through my colonoscopy, the Kew Gardens Legend, Bruce, my own Estella, Herb, Don and Dante, which meant I had to be leered at all night by Don!!!! There was this guy, Greg, who was just impossible to get a handle on, and this poltico fag hag named Barbara, who looked like she should have been in either a John Waters or David Lynch film. And it would not surprise me if she has!!!!!!!

But the real surprise, the most upsetting one,is that this gathering took place in a place hitherto held in high esteem--Dazie's, off the 40th Steet Stop on the #7Train, along Queens Blvd. In a more delusional period of my life--let's not go there, loves--I was a frequent habitue there, where the food was plentiful, the wine excellent, the service superb, and the atmosphere romantic. The atmosphere is still romantic, but, darlings, let me inform you, if last night is any indication, this place has gone down the tubes!!!!!! For starters, legendary Bruce's Slow Gin Fizz looked like a Shirley Temple!!!!! Herb, my Estella, did not get enough shrimp in his dish; he should have broken some staff hearts, maybe even bones!!! I am telling you, Cody, his highly sophisticated Village dog, who snores gently, like Jackie Kennedy Onasis, would have turned up her nose here!!!!! Dogs know; make no mistake!!!!! My meal, the Eggplant Rollatin and Pappardelle with Veal ragout was tasty, but not in a stellar way. Same with monsieur's Chicken Parmasean!!! And Dazie's used to be stellar!!!!!

Honey, it is living on a past reputation that has vanished within the last five years. Which gives you an idea of the level of social life in Queens!!!! Save me, darlings!!!! But in spite of it, a good time was had by all, Don got to leer at me, and the evening was not a waste. I have dined, and will continue to dine at far better places--you better believe it, darlings!!!--but this is the last time I dine at Dazie's. Sweeties, its misty, water colored memories have turned rancid!!!!!

Don't you, now, darlings!!!!

Darlings, Do You Remember "The People Next Door"?????

Oh, my God, girls, let me ask you--do you remember that time, way back when, in the Seventies, I think, when we (baby boomers of a Certain Age now) were thought to be so "with it?" That we could not be more "with it" than how we were "with it" then??? And that this being "with it" would never end, because our "with it" youth would last forever, as being 40 or 50 was something we thought of as so far in the future we figured by then we would be old or dead?????

Well, guess again, darlings!!!!! That future is NOW!!!!! And we may be a bit older, but we are not DEAD!!!! At least, not yet!!!! And certainly not Yours Truly!!!!!

What prompted all this???? While reading Rue McClanahan's marvelous autobiography (a MUST for all my girls, loves, as I just finished it yesterday) I came across a photo, on one of its pages, of she and Eli Wallach in a scene from the 1970 film, "The People Next Door." When I saw that photo, memories of seeing it came back, but i thought, "Was Rue in that???? I had forgotten." Because all I could really recall about the film was--oh, my God--Deborah Winters as Maxie!!!!!! And more on her, later.

So, I did some investigating. "The People Next Door" was written by J.P.Miller, famed for penning that definitive alcoholic drama, "Days Of Wine And Roses." Like that earlier work, 'People' began as a TV offering on CBS Playhouse (I guess they were trying to revive the Golden Age of TV Drama, and for a moment, succeeded). It was the story of two suburban families, the Masons and Hoffmans, living next door to each other in a typical suburban enclave of the time. But just as 'Days' changed cast members when transferred to the large screen, so did "The People Next Door." On TV, the Masons were played by Lloyd Bridges and Kim Hunter, while Fritz Weaver and Phyllis Newman played the Hoffmans. In both versions, Deborah Winters played Maxie. Oh, my God, Deborah Winters as Maxie!!!! But more on her later.

This was written at a time when baby boomers like ourselves were starting to question the suburban values of our parents, while still being content to live off them. We never thought of that, then, did we???? So writers were looking to explore this theme, and Miller came up with this story of two contrasting families, all with flaws, which none can seem to deal with, and how these flaws coalesce to chip away at the social fabric that was familial suburbia, at the time.

The Masons are solidly Middle Class. Father Arthur runs a construction business, is a control bigot one step short of Archie Bunker, while his wife, Gerrie, is a chain smoking social neurotic, who cannot seem to get it together. They are played by Eli Wallach and Julie Harris. The Hoffmans are a bit more upscale; more educated; he is a high school principal, and she a trendy social housewife with a bit of a drinking problem, whom you would think could not keep it together. But in this story, appearances are deceiving all the time!!!!! The Masons have two children, Artie, who is a twenty something long haired type who plays in a band, and Maxie (Deborah Winters--oh, my God!!!) the pretty, blonde, All-American type every parent then wanted their daughter to be, and which all us unpopular sorts wanted to be. Except we all should have checked with the Gonnellas before making this kind of wish!!!!! The Hoffmans have one child, Sandy (and the young Don Scardino's performance is memorable here) on whom they have pinned all their hopes, and he seems hell bent on fulfilling them.

Well, darlings, just like the Gonnellas and Dykemans, things are not at all right in these households. At the Masons, Daddy Arthur is a "tail chaser," lusting after his secretary, played brilliantly by Rue McClanahan, while he thinks no one knows, but everyone does. The scene girls, where Rue, as Della, tells him off, is priceless; it is pure Rue at her acting best, and just what Arthur deserves. Now, Daddy cannot stand son Artie's hair and lifestyle, and when the trouble really starts, blames his son, and kicks him out!!!! Nice!!!! Passive Mommy Gerrie just stands by and wrings her hands. Not unlike Mrs. Stamper in Inge's "Splendor In The Grass." See how this genre perpetuates itself????? Meanwhile, over at the high school that Mr. Hoffman is in charge of, the kids are rioting and pillaging, as he looks bewildered, and his wife just adds an extra ice cube to her drink. But their troubles have yet to begin.

One evening, the Masons find Maxie hiding in her closet, transfixed, talking about hearing mountains and being electric. Honey, she is tripping on LSD, and before Artie gets kicked out of the house by Daddy, who thinks Maxie got the stuff from him, he talks Maxie down. Let me tell you, darlings, this was the scene where Deborah Winters showed she was brilliant. Back then, we all wanted to look and be like Maxie, with her long hair, and the luxury (or so we thought then) of spending our adolescence institutionalized, rather than in suburban high schools, with homophobic bitches, like Mrs. Santamarina!!!!! Oh, my God, darlings!!!! Deborah Winters as Maxie!!!!! You have to see it for yourselves!!!!!

Clearly, Maxie has problems. One of these is being named Maxie!!! What for??? Sta-Free Maxi(e) pads?????? But their parents have more, as they cannot see the forest for the trees. Daddy is screwing Rue, Mommy can't cope, so she appeals to the Hoffmans, who seem able to, and whom, one would think, as Gerrie does, has it all together. Except they do not, either, because, when son Sandy denies Mommy Tina the use of his car, this cuts through her alcoholic haze, and, boy, does she get it together!!! I am telling you, you have to see Cloris Leachman--yes, Cloris Leachman!!!-- do a nude scene, where she rises from a bed, shows her ass, and puts on a robe. Be glad this was forty years ago, and not today on "Raising Hope"!!!! Eeeeeeeeewwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tina sneaks into Sandy's room, finds the keys, goes in the trunk and discovers.....cases upon cases of drugs!!!!! Seems fair haired Sandy is not so fair after all, just like Janice Gonnella with her diaphragm, and just like Linda Buck in my class, whom everyone knew was selling. When Daddy David hits the smug capitalist kid in the chops with the suitcase, I applauded (he probably turned out to be the worst of our generation, a Wall Streeter), and did so again when he has his own son arrested and hauled away. Mommy Tina realizes where Maxie, now hopelessly institutionalized (after a nude drug escapade on the front lawn) got the drugs from, and profusely apologizes to her neighbors. But things come to an explosive climax. Because, with David Hoffman being a longstanding community member, and a principal, the police drop the charges on Sandy, whereupon Arthur loses it, and tries to kill him, which he should have. After all, Sandy is the scum who destroyed Maxie, just like Ravi and Wei are the scum who destroyed Tyler Clementi. Nope, I will not get over this, or forget!!!!! What saves the moment is Sandy maintaing his arrogance, and Daddy about to hit him calling him "you pollution of my life!" Now, that is Tough Love!!!!! Suddenly, the comatose Gerrie suddenly pulls it together and drives to the institution, where she lashes into Maxie, telling her just what her life will be like in one of these places, and asking her to try. "The People Next Door" ends on a relatively hopeful note--just as Daddy and Artie, burst into the room, Maxie appears, looking at them through the doorway, and is seen mouthing the words, "I'll try." She has a long way to go, but there is a note of hope here.

But I am telling you, it is Deborah Winters as Maxie, who holds it all together. I want to do the closet scene where she hears mountains. Honey, I could nail that!!!!!

I keep hearing this was released as a theatrical film, and the names on the credits--Joseph E. Levine, Avoco Embassy Films, would seem to indicate such. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall it. It must have played New York for a week, and then gone straight to television, where it seemed like it was dug out every week during the Seventies, or when the network had nothing else to show. It is SO of its time, darlings, but we thought it was SO cutting edge!!!!!!!

But what survives is Deborah Winters as Maxie. You will not forget her. She is emblematic of the pains that plagued our age, and we still here are proof that those pains were beat. We hope that the real life Maxies beat them, without much harm to their families.

Like Tolstoy said "every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." The point of "The People Next Door" is simple and still valid today--the ones whom you think have it all really don't. They are as fucked up as anyone!!!!!!!

I LOVE it!!!! Now, it is time for me to call my Winged Monkeys!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I Am Telling You, It Is Like The Sword Of Damocles Hanging Over ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I know you think my life is nothing but glamour, and for the most parts, it is, but I am going out of my ever loving BIRD with anxiety!!!!!!!!! And to think what I am putting Monsieur through--he with barely a whimper when he had his THING tampered with!!!!!!!

I am going to the doctor today to see about this sloshing in my left ear; like having water there, from swimming when you were a kid. Except when I stand and shake, nothing comes out. And the date draws near to Feb 8, when I am supposed to have my colonoscopy, so I want to make sure I am OK to go through this procedure!!!!!!! And after Monsieur played Peter Yarrow's song, which I actually found affirming, and practically confirmed for me that MERYL--yes, darlings, even MERYL--has had this done!!!!!!!!!!!

I am trying to be so brave--like Monsieur, like Rue, like MERYL--but how much more can I take. They say it is a win-win situation, but what if..... I cannot bear to think about it. Though, intellectually speaking, I do not think so. And of course every ache or pain I get now is C. I am going insane!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whatever the doctor says today, I will do. If he gives the OK--I go through with it!!!!! Pray for me, girls!!!!!!!!!!! I am even going to break my Easter rule this year and watch, with Monsieur "The Song Of Bernadette" this weekend. And preparing him for that is akin to prepping for...........

It is not the fasting I mind. Or not eating. Or not drinking for a bit. Or even sitting on the can. After all, I have had bouts of food poisoning that were worse; at least here I know it is not due to illness. It is having to drink that God awful drink. I bet even Minnie Castevet's drink in "Rosemary's Baby" was easier to get down.

So pray for me, darlings!!!!!!! Touch a mezuzza, say a Rosary, or something!!!!!!! Meanwhile I have to put my hands in God, the doctors, Monsieur, Jennifer Jones and Meryl!!!!!!!! The odds should favor me, right, girls???????????

Keep your odds high, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, You Knew This One Would Make It Sooner Or Later!!!!!!!!

Girls, it is time once more for Bitch Of The Week, and while this winner is no surprise--it was just a matter of time, loves!!!!--the nature of how she made it onto this list beats, as the saying goes, all records for long standing gaul!!!!!!!!!

The winner of this week's Raving Queen Bitch Of The Week Award is Lea Michelle!!!!!!!!

You may ask? Why? After all, as annoying as she is playing Rachel on "Glee", as disgraceful as her performance at the Tony Awards was nearly two years ago, does this constitute such an honor???? It actuallt does not, but then Miss Lea, who thinks she is better than everyone and is now ACTING like it, did something to up her bitch factor plenty.

It seems that Hallee Steinfeld, the young, freshly discovered, and now Oscar nominated actress for her role in "True Grit" was on a set recentlty, when she spied Lea. Now, I guess Hallee is a big "Glee" fan, so to her, it was thrilling to see one of its major cast members. Wanting nothing more than to convey her admiration and an autograpgh, Hallee walks over to Lea to say all this.

But Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! Big Bitch Lea just snottily snaps at her, "Not now; I'm busy!" and dashes off!!!! Well, fuck you!!!!!!!! Poor little Hallee, her heart crushed--and she, who like Lea IS NOW a member of the show business community. Plus, at the tender age of 14, little Hallee has somerthing Lea may hope to have but never will--an Oscar nomination!!!!!!!

Who is Miss "Glee" bitch to snub Hallee????????? Just wait till you need something from Hallee, Lea, and see what this gets you. How does the saying go??? Be nice to those you meet on the way up, because you will meet them on the way down!!!! Which Lea is going to be on very shortly, especially after Ryan Murphy read her the riot act for this, giving her the famous "You can be replaced!" speech!!!!!!!!! Damn right!!!!!!!!!! And it won't be long now, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!

So a big salute to our Bitch Of The Week, Lea Michelle!!!! She is cooking her own goose, and I for one cannot wait till she is burnt to a crisp!!!!!!

Don't get your feathers singed now, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Today We celebrate True Class!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, for such a drab month, February is full of exciting dates!!!! No sooner have we finished with Candlemass Eve and Groundhog's Day, when we celebrate the birthday of an acme of glamour in this business!!!!!!!

None other than Blythe Danner!!!!!!!!!!!

So many of us have wanted to be Blythe, darlings!!!!!! We have wanted to look as good as she, for years, and you know she looks damn good today, at 68!!!!! Hope we all look that good when we reach that age!!!!! Yes, to the young and uneducated she is nothing more than the Mother of Gwyneth Paltrow, but to those of us who know, darlings, not only is she the Grace Kelly of her generation (especially with her Main Line upbringing!!!) she is one of America's great actresses, and the superb interpreter extant of line verse in both Tennessee Williams and Shakespeare!!!! Honey, I am telling you, her Beatrice in 'Much Ado' was one for the ages, and I know because I was there!!!!!!

So loyal a fan am I to Blythe, I have been trying to find out for YEARS who in New York City does her hair, because I want to go there, so the hairdresser can have me look like Blythe!!!!! Wouldn't that be FABULOUS, darlings!!!!! When you look like Blythe Danner, all you have to do, when getting up each morining is stretch, run your hands through your hair, and you are ready to face the day!!!! Nothing like what I have to go through; you better believe it!!!!!!

To think--another Februart 3, and another Happy Birthday for Blythe!!!!! Wishing her many more, and that she continues to stun us with her glamour and graciousness!!!!!!

May we all follow Blythe's lead, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Spring???????????? Honey, You Have Got To Be Kidding!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, girls, today is Groundhog's Day,
and I wish all my darlings a happy one, but, let me tell you, if you think we are going to have an early Spring, why you can go just go fart into this winter ice storm!!!!!! Not only will the furry creature not predict spring--though we can always hope it will bite Bloomberg again!!!!-- I wonder if he will even stick his head out of the hole!!!!! I mean, I wouldn't, with weather like this!!!! Hell, I am not so sure about Audrey's tonight in this snow and ice; I may just come home and cozy up to Monsieur. Wish we could stay in our own little hog hole, and not come out till Spring, but with the wind howling outside with "Wuthering Heights" like velocity, who knows when that will be???? This Winter is getting on everyone's nerves, what with cabin fever, health related issues, and the like. And to think, TCM is showing 31 days of Oscar movies, and NOT ONCE are they showing "The Song Of Bernadette!!!!" What is wrong with these people???? And, girls, let me tell you, my work is cut out for me this weekend, if I watch it, prior to my colonoscopy, because I have my work cut out for me getting Monsieur prepared for it!!!!!!!

What would Rue McClanahan make of all this, or do???? I want to be brave and courageous, like Rue!!!! Not like that groundhog!!!!! So let me wish you a happy day, with nips aplenty for Bloomberg, and if you must venture out in this weather, be careful, darlings!!!!!!!!

Darlings, We'Ve Made It To Another Candlemass Eve!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, congratulations, we are beyond January, and faced with the first of February, which, as all my girls know, is Candlemass Eve!!!!!!! This is the night the witches mock the rituals of the church, and sacrifice a virgin!!!!!!! The first part is easy, the second has become even harder. Not even Janice Gonnella, once that historical diaphragm was found, can claim that distinction. Though she can claim an Eleanor Rigby sort of spinsterhood, which is the sort of life an unmarried woman would live in Highland Park, New Jersey!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The best thing one can do tonight is watch the classic film, "Horror Hotel," with an all-star lineup featuring Christopher Lee (in a surprisingly minor role), Valentine Dyall (as the unforgettable Jethro Keene), Venetia Stevenson, Betta St. John, Ann Beach as Lottie, and best of all Patricia Jessel as everyone's favorite concierge, Mrs. Newless!!!!!! Although my other two favorites are the two women who yell "Burn the Witch!" at the opening, framed by the awaiting stake, and the prune faced spinsters, framing the hotel, whom Nan (Stevenson) first sees upon arrival in scenic Whitewood, garden vacation spot for all students of the occult!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To think this film is fifty years old. Back then, virgins were easy to find!!! Today, even the convents are no guarantee!!!!!! As for me, I am a conditional virgin, honey!!!!!!!!!! And that does not count!!!!!!!!!!!

So just where is a virgin to be found, these days?????? Not among MY girls, honey!!!!!!!! But if you succeed let me know! The hour of Thirteen is almost upon us!!!!!!!!

Just ring for room service, darlings!!!!!