"Funny Girl"...NOT! Ha!!!!!!!!!!Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See what happens, when I'm not cast in a role??????

No sooner, girls, had I arrived back home, then my phone began ringing off the hook!!!!! "Did you hear about 'Funny Girl,'? friends and acquaintances asked. "It has been scrapped."

Well, sweeties, of course I heard. In fact, I found out yesterday morning, at the West Palm Beach Airport, where Monsieur and I were awaiting our flight homeward. He happened to be reading The New York Times, and alerted me to the story.

I should not say, "I told you so," but to Barlett Sher, for whom I blame the whole thing, I WILL say, "I told you so!!!!"

Had Bart cast me, darlings, he would not be in this situation!!!!!!

What happened was that three of the show's investors decided to pull their money out of the venture. The amount came to something like a million each, which put the show at a $3million loss. It was supposedly booked for the Imperial Theatre here on Broadway, in the Spring, and at the Ahmanson in Los Angeles either later this year, or very early next!!!!!!

The story given is that, with such big revivals as "Evita" and "The Gershwins' 'Porgy And Bess'" hitting Broadway in the same season, the rialto would be glutted with revivals, and "Funny Girl" wouldn't stand a chance!!!!!!

HAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No one is saying, or will, but I would not be surprised if these investors attended some kind of "backers audition" and were not impressed with what they saw!!!! Not only with Robert Carnivale, who seems woefully miscast for the role of Nicky Arnstein, but, more important, Lauren Ambrose in the title role, on whose shoulders this entire production depends. I can guarantee you, if she performed, they would not have been impressed, because, just from her ersatz rendition of "My Man" with her band (which can be seen on YouTube) it is apparent Lauren never had the chops to do the role!!!!!!!!

Listen, girls, I admit "Funny Girl" is a problematic show!!!!! Not only because the production has to be sumptuous enough to replicate both New York's Lower East Side and the Ziegfeld Era, but, call it a Curse, if you want, the Specter of BARBRA inevitably hangs over this show. As I said, earlier on here, Sher, whose ego was elevated by his successful productions of "The Light In The Piazza" and "South Pacific," both at Lincoln Center, became convinced he could do no wrong, suffering from the ailment I came to call "Taymoritis" (after Julie Taymor, whose failure with "Spider Man--Turn Off The Dark" consigned her career to the Island of Lost Directors, where Sher is soon headed!!!!!). Thinking that he could cast ANYONE in the lead and it would not matter; recognizing the difficulty of finding a Second Barbra Streisand, he instead went as far afield, Streisand-wise, as he could go, with Lauren, which may not been a bad idea IF she had the chops. She is supposed to be playing Fanny Brice, and comes across about as Jewish as Peggy Wood playing the Mother Abbess in "The Sound Of Music." Not to mention--and this is MOST important--she cannot sing the score!!!!!!!!!!

Is there any theatrically savvy of my girls out there who is surprised by any of this????? If so, then you surprise ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now--

IF Bartlett Sher had heeded my advice, and gone ahead and cast me as Fanny, the show would still be en route. True, you do have to get away from the Streisand thing, which you would have with me, on the basis of gender alone!!!!! Having grown up in Highland Park, New Jersey, I could certainly adapt myself to SEEM Jewish. Plus, I could belt out this score, like nobody's business; unlike Harvey Fierstein, who would make the late Bea Arthur seem like the late Renata Tebaldi!!!!! "I'm The Greatest Star????" Piece of cake!!!!! "Coronet Man"???? Honey, once I get to, "A powdered blue Norfolk suit," I soar!!!!! I wouldn't mind singing "The Music That Makes Me Dance"; however, I am convinced had this show made it to Broadway, it would have ended as the film did--with Fanny, alone onstage, singing "My Man" to blackout, and tumultuous applause. And I can certainly sell that song!!!!!!!

I would not blame the three investors. I would say they were just exhibiting good judgement and common sense. Bart, if you had not been so egotistical and self-righteous in your endorsements of Lauren, putting your mouth where there in fact was no money, you would not be in the sorry fix you are today!!!!! You have no one to blame but yourself. Take his hand, Julie, and guide him to that misfit island!!!!!!!

I want to laugh, but I cannot help feeling a little sad. It WOULD be nice, in my lifetime, or for those too young to have seen BARBRA, to see a professionally mounted production of "Funny Girl" on the Broadway stage. I think it is still possible.

And I hold out a sliver of hope!!!! Now that this has been scrapped, perhaps someone WILL take a chance on me!!!! After all, I have only been training for the role since the age of nine, ever since BARBRA opened it at the Winter Garden!!!! I've got 36 expressions, and everything!!!!!!!!!

Believe me, darlings, these are facts, I've got no ax to grind!!!!!! I am sorry about what happened, but not surprised!!!!!!!

I now stand ready to give them hell!!!!! After all, that's life in the theater!!!!!!!!!

Girls, Can You Believe It Is November?????????

We have come to the eleventh month, darlings, which is so hard to believe; I mean, where has the year gone???? And, after a certain date, which I will mention somewhere on here, the year goes even faster, suddenly speeding up, like a silent movie, playing at the wrong speed!!!!!!!!!

Already we have had All Saints Day, my lawyer friend, John's, birthday, and that of Tom, my cherub. Yesterday happened to be the 58th birthday of my one-time literary nemesis (but no more!) Joyce Maynard, this coming Tuesday is Election Day, and then Friday is Veteran's Day!!!!! And that is just the beginning!!!!!!!

Because, starting the 13th, we have what I call Musical Theater Week, which marks the natal anniversaries of such luminaries as Sammy Williams (the original Paul in "A Chorus Line; 63 on the 13th; Martha Plimpton (star of "Raising Hope," a musical theater talent in her own right, not only for her show stopping performance a few seasons back in the Roundabout revival of "Pal Joey", but the daughter of Shelley Plimpton, the original Crissy in "HAIR", both off and on Broadway during the Sixties, and the first one to immortalize its immortal love ballad, "Frank Mills"), who, if you can believe it, will turn 41 (but still looking like an ingenue) on the 16th; AND, on that same day, Donna McKechnie, not only the greatest Broadway dancer of her generation, but the Greatest Show Stopper In Broadway History, which she became by originating the role of Cassie in the aforementioned "A Chorus Line" (a show she herself helped to define), owning, as no one after her has, the show's solo spot, "The Music And The Mirror"!!!!! According to most sources, Donna will hit the big 70 on that day, and, honey, I am telling you, she could go out there and dance Cassie tonight!!!!!

But, wait, there is more!!!! November 17th happens to be the 59th birthday of Neva Small, a child actress of the Broadway stage since the Sixties, who became a Legend Of The Musical Stage, back in 1967, when, in "Henry, Sweet Henry," she delivered the song, "I Wonder How It Is" with such plaintive yearning, it left confirmed Theater Queens gasping!!! Which they still do, to this day, thanks to the CD!!!!! Neva also happens to be the goddaughter of the late, great, Leonard Bernstein, and she continues to perform in and about the city. Not to mention she is primarily known for a role she performed at the age of 19--that of Chava, in the film version of "Fiddler On The Roof," back in 1971. Then, as we ALL must, darlings, on the 18th, yours truly, The Raving Queen and another Musical Theater talent of note, gets older, reaching the age of 57, while still retaining that established professional age of 24!!!!! It is all done with moisturizer and astringent, I can assure you!!!!

Now, let me let you girls in on a secret. I am going to initiate a contest!!!!!
It is called "The What Should The Raving Queen Ask His Sister For For His Birthday? Contest"!!!!! The winner gets dinner for two--the winner and moi--at One If By Land, Two If by Sea!!!! Do I have any gift candidates??? I do, and here they are!!!!!

1. A Flat Screened TV
2. A Gym Membership
3. A Lap Top
4. Tickets To A Broadway Show
5. An Orange Cashmere Sweater

May the best gift win, darlings!!!!!!!!!

What else????? Did you know my parents got married in November??? That is right, during Thanksgiving Week, back on November 26, 1947!!!! And speaking of Thanksgiving, this year it is on the 24th, exactly one month before Christmas Eve, where Monsieur and I are going to be joined at the aforementioned One If....by my father and sister, and Monsieur's Uncle Ernest!!!!! Darlings, you have GOT to see his fake $1million dollar bills, with HIS picture on them!!!! Is he nuts???? Monsieur says yes!!!!!!!!

This is a whirlwind month, loves, because thanks to birthdays and holidays, I don't work a full week the entire month!!!!!! And then, before you know it, it will be December, which is time for, among so many other things, "The Nutcracker," with Mother Ginger And Her Ponshinelles!!!! Things REALLY speed up after my natal day, girls!!!!

That Ginger is SOME Mother--let me tell you!!!! So, see, loves!!!! The Raving Queen is back, in fine form, and everything!!!!!!!

Happy November!!!!!!!

Apologies To My Girls!!!!!!!!

Girls, I am so SO sorry!!!!! Amidst the frantic rush that was last week, while in Florida, dealing with all sorts of familial matters that left me EMOTIONALLY exhausted, Thursday came and went. All of a sudden, it was Friday, and while dining luncheon at poolside, I suddenly realized that, for the first time since I initiated the column, I had forgotten to post Bitch Of The Week!!!!!

I am not going to post one now, because, not being Thursday, it just would not be de rigeur, darlings!!!!! I simply cannot apologize enough, BUT I promise you that this coming Thursday, I will deliver one hell of a bitch!!!! Which I discovered, or heard about while on my Florida excursion!!!!!!

I cannot reveal any more, except to say that she is SOME piece of work!!!! As the great Joan Rivers might say, "What a tramp!" And you know I have discussed quite a few tramps on here!!!! And no, darlings, that does NOT include my life while single!!!! That was more like the convent, girls!!!!!!!!!

So, please accept my regrets, and just wait till Thursday, which is going to expose SOME bitch, let me tell you!!!!!!!

Wishing you a bitchfest till then, loves!!!!!!!!

Girls, We're Back In New York!!!!!!

Darlings, I wish I could say we sailed in on a beam of moonlight, and a dry martini, but it was more like Delta at La Guardia!!!! That being the case, we headed for our weekend pensione, which is MY place, and, I am telling you, it was SO comfortable in my Princess Bed, even if you could hear the squawk of babies and discontented neighbors. This is Queens, after all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But, after hopping out of bed, getting that crucial morning coffee--how civilized, lambs, to be able to make my OWN coffee!!!--and breakfasting, we tended to domestic chores, like designer laundry, phone calls, paper work, reading, and the like.

It is SO good to be home!!!! Not that Florida, as recounted here, was so bad, and that not that NYC is the Emerald City, though, when you are young, one tends to think that!!!! But it was nice to be back in a civilized jungle, where, even though you may share a subway platform with a rat or two, the trains take you where you want to go, and when you get off, you know where everything is!!!! Contrast that with Florida, where you have to get in the car, just to get a quart of milk, and pray you can find a grocery store!!!!! And, if you get on one of those darkened back roads at night, not only do you have to fear ending up as a featured guest on "COPS," you have to wonder if you are going to be attacked by the mentally handicapped homosexuals from "Deliverance," who were so dumb they chose Ned Beatty over Burt Reynolds and Jon Voight at their hottest!!!!! Which calls their credibility as gays into question!!!!! Fortunately, we were not attacked, so, darlings, I guess we were too gorgeous for them!!!!!!

Things could not have gone more smoothly in Florida!!!!! The flights to and from were like clockwork, the accommodations were, once again, fabulous, and, most important, my father got through his transition form Vero Beach to Downingtown, PA!!!!! Thursday eve, at the local club house, they even had a nice party for him, complete with music, supplied by not only a talented musician, and my equally talented cousin, Mike, but yours truly!!!!! But no major show tunes or Streisand standards; the rep did not extend that far!!!!!!

Right now, my father is staying, till he is ensconced at Villa St. Martha, (which I will give a full account of, loves, once that takes place!!!) at my sister's residence in Audubon, where I just know they are going to have a wild old time, eating roasted veggies, hanging out for drinks at Bud's Bar or whatever local watering hole down there is still in operation, and walking the scenic route of the King Of Prussia Shopping Mall, which should be a visual delight, with the Holidays rapidly approaching!!!!!! It just warms the cockles of my heart!!!!!!!

But back here in Manhattan, we are happy and content, having heard from that scurrilous Frantique Fromage, and having a nice, light, Sunday brunch at Malaparte, just down the street from Monsieur!!!! It used to be Baby Buddha, darlings, but that baby has upped and gone away!!!!!!!

Most of all, I have to let all my girls know that we are back, and ready for Holiday action. Get ready to stuff that turkey, darlings, lest you get stuffed!!!!!

Salutations and Holiday greetings to all!!!!!!!!!!

Thank You, Gloria!!!!!!

Girls, I cannot BEGIN to tell you how much we have enjoyed our stay at Gloria Estevan's Costa d'Este, which has the most romantic Japanese decor, the nicest--and often the cutest--staff in town, and, even more important, fabulous ocean front views in the South Tower, where you simply HAVE to stay, if you want the romantic vacation you have longed for!!!!!

As Monsieur said, this is the first time to Vero Beach I have actually enjoyed, even though the young people call it Zero Beach, because, at Spring Break, this is not Where The Boys Are!!! You will not find Connie Francis, Dolores Hart, or Paula Prentiss here--nor their modern day counterparts!!!! What you seem to find along beachfront are lots of lesbians!!!!! We are so scared, darlings!!!!!! This has nothing to do with Gloria Estavan, I can tell you!!!!!

But between the amenities, the free lunch yesterday, the view, the wonderful dining facilities, we have done well by Gloria!!!!!! Congratulations from the Raving Queen, Miss Estevan; you are doing a great job!!!!!

I want all my girls to come hear and stay at Gloria's!!!!!!!

Next time, you may hear from me is back in New York!!!! Civilization, honeys!!!!! And so much to discuss--November events, Glenn Beck (!!!!Yes, lambs, I kid you not!!!) and the encroaching Holiday Season!!!!!!

Hasta la vista, babies!!!!!! And thanks again, Gloria!!!!!!

Thank You, Gloria!!!!!!

Girls, Greetings From Florida!!!!!!!

Honey, I am telling you,there is such an air of ucivilization about Florida!!!!
The cuisine and business enterprises are Distinctly Middle Class!!!! Rue McClanahan,as Blanche Deveraux would be the height of sophistication here in Vero Beach,which is so White, the only Afro American you will see in town is Aunt Jemima on the pancake box, at the supermarket!!!!!!!

But I am not here to bitch, darlings!!!!! Just to let you know we got down here safely, the movers came, and things have gone smoothly--so far!!!! Even HAD TIME TO FINISH MY Jack The Ripper book, and begin "The Marriage Plot," by Jeffrey Eugenides, which is full of fascinating literary theory and is just blowing me away!!!!!!

You would not believe the post menopausal clothing shops, along Ocean Drive!!! Forget men; honey, they do not exist!!!! This must be a Paradise for lesbians, or geriatric straight men, like Uncle Ernest!!!!!! Though there was this antiques shop, with this nice, trim red headed guy!!!! Uhm Hmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bet he can tell us wear the action in town is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It no longer is at the Bamboo Lounge, whose facade still stands, like something out of "Grey Gardens," rather than David Lynch's "Blue Velvet", which is how it used to look!!!!!

But the important thing was providing comfort and support for my father, as he transitions North, which we did, and are continuing to do!!!!!! But how I long for the civilization of New York, where everything is right in front of you, and you know where everything is!!!!!!

See you soon, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!