Darlings, I'll Give You "Lullaby From Baby To Baby!!!!!!!"

"The sun is rising in the smokey sky.
The place is any city you can name.
In a house, a door opens, and closes goodbye.
The atmosphere won't be the same."

Girls, those words were penned 32 years ago by Elizabeth Swados, and vocally rendered by the immortal Trini Alvarado in the musical theater classic "Runaways." Now, just why I am thinking about this today? Well, first, we finally get to kiss the ass goodbye to February, which has been a horrible month, and March signals the year going on and thing changing. Plus it just happens to be my sister's--who is a Leap Year baby--unreal birthday, and she is 70!!!!!! I mean, girls, I just can't believe it. Hell, I cannot believe I am actually 55, though my PROFESSIONAL AGE, darlings, is STILL 24!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And there is more not to be believe. Like that I am still single and without a partner. That I who was supposed to make it big and return to the suburbs in triumph with unlimited finanacial resources has not, and is barely ekeing out an existence in an apartment in Queens. And how is this for more--when I leave YOU, readers, I have to high tail it to the City to preach a homily tonight at my church service. My father would keel over, if he knew this, never mind Mother Teresa!!!!!!!

So it is no wonder that Trini's song is passing through my mind. Have a wonderful Sunday, girls, and kiss this month goodbye. Let us hope March is an improvement!!!!!!!

Kisses to all!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday, Shelley!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, darlings, I know it is Liz Taylor's birthday, and she turns 78! And today Miss Joanne Woodward hits 80!!!!! But the REAL birthday to be aware of today is the one and only Shelley Plimpton, best known today as the mother of actress Martha Plimpton, but to those of us of a certain age, will always be Crissy in "Hair," who sang "Frank Mills" and inspired me to do the same each September 12--you guessed it!--in front of the Waverly!!!!!

To think that Shelley is 63; sweeties, we should all look this good at 63!!!! I know I hope to, when I finish being 24, which I still am, darlings!!!!!!!!!!

But a Happy, Happy Birthday to Shelley! "Frank Mills" forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honey, When You Live In New York, You Live With Rats!!!!!!!!!

.........And, girls, I am not just talking about the two legged kind we sometimes get mixed up with on dates. No, I am talking about the four footed, furry and toothy ones, a la "Willard."

Last night, darlings, Audrey had her fabulous game night at her palatial Brooklyn terraced pensione. We had a charming group, and played "Balderdash." The pasta pesto was exquisite, and so was this goat cheese thing, and the drinks flowed.
By the time we left it was midnight, and this Cinderella had NO coach and no Prince to take him home. So while waiting at the #4 train station at Union Square, I saw this big old New York rat running across the tracks. Now, as rats go, I have to say it was respectable enough, and it didn't bother me at all. I mean, it was better behaved, actually, than some of those aforementioned dates!!!!!!

But it got me thinking--has city living progressed beyond Dickens' time, when you think about it. I maintain there are just as many rats around as there were then; the only difference is with indoor plumbing and things being flushed down instead of tossed onto dung heaps and such, they are not as visible! I am telling you, girls, Anna Wintour may rule the fashion world, but when it comes to durability the rats and roaches may give even Anna a run for her money. Though if you live here long enough, you hear Anna is a bit of a rat, herself!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course seeing a rat is better than being MARRIED to one! And how about this--coming out of the subway at Christopher Street last eve, I saw an ad for a new reality show called "Second Chance", the premise being--"What if the one that got away came back to you?", the theory being that first love gets a Second Chance. Honey, are you kidding? You think I want to go back to ANY of my exes?????? The only thing I want to do with them is toss a lump of coal on their graves!!!!!!!

But we must try and be cheerful, darling, as February comes to a close and we anxioulsy await Le Sacre Du Printemps. Make sure everything you do is sacre, girls!!!!!!!!!

Girls, Today Is An Anniversary Of Sorts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I could not let this day go by without noting that 42 years ago, on this day back in 1968, I saw "Gone With The Wind" for the first time. It was at the renowned Clairidgge Theatre in Montclair, New Jersey, and the viewing dazzled me with its epic scope, Vivien Leigh as Scarlett teaching me how to survive life, and the most faithful adaptation of a book read my 13 year old self had seen. And after all these years I still turn up for GWTW if it is in a theater, because that is where it BELONGS, darling, forgot that goddmn Blu-Ray or whatever else hell High Definition crap nonsense. Accept no imitation screenings when it comes to viewing this film.

To think, I was in 7th grade then and at the height of my adolescent angt. Who would think I would last 42 years to tell about it. But I have, darlings, becaue I am FABULOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!

So the next time someone sugests veiwing GWTW you remember girls--only ON SCREEN!!!!!!!

Or, so help me, I will bitch slap you with my panties!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, The Stars Were Shining Last Night!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, believe me, in all my years of celebrity chronicling, from Princess Grace's wedding, to Frank and Ava's fights, to Eddie breaking up with Debbie, nothing comes close to last night's tribute to our own, beloved, ALan. Hosted by Tema Hecht, in a stunning evening gown, with jewled amultet to match, the tone for the evening was set by the Misses Janice and Annette, who, I will have you know, found time last week to fly to Paris and Italy, respecitively, to get their original Givenchy and Adolfo creations, which they were wearing last night.

This was better than Joan Rivers' red carpet. To think we would see dance legend Lacy McDearmon inn public again; could a return to the stage be far off? And didn't Maxine Soares look stunning in a creamy creation that would make Grace Kelly in her grave roll over with envy!!!!!

The food was plentiful, but would you believe, lambs, that in all my years of attending such affairs, this was the first time I did NOT get any shrimp or desert? Both were gobbled up faster than a group of convicted witches at Salem, Mass. in
1692, and don't we know some present day witches, who ought to be convicted///

But none were present last night. What a treat to see Mary Jane Wright, George Mayer, who looked FABULOUS, Kris Shuman, the celebrated Ruth Carr and her husband, Jerry, and dozens of others. You can bet the drinks flowed, and didn't Aram Tchonanian look SO CUTE in his little suit, delivering his tribute to Alan. Not to metnion the tributes by Tema, our own Jackie Davis, Steve Ross' piano solo...darlings, the whole thing was exhausting.

Nevertheless, I am STIlL holding Sara Velez to finding me a husband!!!! I was hoping for last nght, what with 200 people, but who are you kidding? But Sara, Tema and Maxine, are going to do my wedding, which will feature me in a Vera Wang gown, and take place at The Pierre.

Even so, it will have to go a long way to eclipsing our beloved Alan's evening. The end of an era, and he will be deeply missed!!!!!!!!

What a night, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, Sometimes In The Morning, The Body Does NOT Want To Stretch!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I am telling you, with encroaching age, it is amazing how the muscles can atrophy during sleep, and what it takes to undo all that, especially if you are not Donna McKechnie, no matter how much you may have wanted to be. Of course, if we were Donna, girls, there would be no problem, but for those of us who are not we have to stretch, and boy does that take some!!!!!!!

Last night was a pefectly nasty night, both literally, with the weather, and onstage, with the new Martin McDonagh play "A Behanding In Spokane." It was sick and twisted, so, to a certain extent, I LOVED IT!!!!!!!! And Christopher Walken did his usual Christopher Walken thing, which no one else can do like Christopher Walken, so this sick, twisted character fit him like a hand glove. If only that had been true of the lone femmme role, played by Zoe Kazan, granddaughter of famed Elia. Honey, you would never know it, judging from her work up there. I kept thinking how ten years ago Martha Plimpton would have aced this part more skillfully, and watching Zoe, who has a voice that is like listening to chalk grate on a blackboard was excruciating. The only thing worse would have been to have she and Harvey Fierstein, with HIS voice, sharing that stage for an evening--that might have sent me out of the theater screaming. But the story was short, compelling, the language creative, and Mr. McDonagh does seem to have an almost unhealthy fascination with children being murdered. Just imagine if he had done the screenplay or directed "The Lovely Bones"--it MIGHT have been a GOOD movie!!!!!!!!

But I am sure those of you out there are saying I am just being a bitch again, and maybe I am, but if you saw what a mess was made of "The Lovely Bones" despite brilliant work by Miss Ronan and Mr. Tucci, you would bitch, too.

No resentments to catalog today, girls, so I guess the Baby Jane influence is further wearing off. Tonight we have a gala celebration honoring our retired coworker Alan, and it should prove to be a star studded event, and this celebrity chronicler, darlings, promises to report on it all tomorrow. So in the meantime, have yourselves a cup of chamomille tea, sit back, and enjoy the day!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love to all my girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, We Are On The Aisle Tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Off to the the theater this evening, girls, to see the new Martin McDonagh play "A Beheading In Spokane," starring the quirkiest and wonderful of actors, Mr. Christopher Walken. And that is behanding, not beheading, dears. Hope he does not lose his HELPING hand, because, girls, where we would be without it? Especially those of us like moi, who haven't a husband????? But who knows; maybe Mr. Walken will dance a jig and McDonagh will tone down his dark sensibility. We are not expecting Jane Austen, but it should be fun. And I am going with a very lovely and charming gentleman, who, if he were not spoken for already, I would make a play for. But I will be good tonight, darlings; I am NO homewrecker.

Just for the record, to show that I am certainly not as misogynistic as one might think, I would like to catalog a resentment featuring a MAN. The man in question is one Michael Karol, who was two years ahead of me in high school. Each spring, back then, our drama program would have a Drama Torunament--an evening of short four one-act plays, or plays trimmed to one act, directed by students. Mr. Karol, in his senior year in 1971, was chosen to direct my sophomor class in the play "Feiffer's People," a collection of vignettes by Jules Feiffer. Of course I showed up for the auditions, and as I scouted the room, it was pretty obvious who was going to get cast before anyone opened their mouth--and that did NOT include me. But that was not the issue; I got my turn. and when I began reading the script, Karol reprimanded me overtly, in a manner remniscent of the aforementioned Katina Mataras, demanding, "Would you lower your voice, please?" because my voice was changing and I guess he could not stand it. I complied, finished the reading and was thanked. I took my seat and watched as the others auditioned; what he could have not known was for me this was both a social activity, seeing who got cast, and a theatrical one, observing the audition process, which I was interested in. I cannot blame him for not knowing all this. BUT there was no need for him to suddenly turn around look at me, and yell out dismissively, in front of all the others. "You can just GO. You are dismissed," as if I were not worth anything. Obviously, I was not going to be cast, and I guess I was partially hurt from that, but I was more hurt by his callous dismissial; I had the right to sit there and stay and watch the others. I made that clear by folding my hands and saying, "Thank you, but I am staying." I did, and that was that.

Well, fuck you, Mr. Michael Karol. You would be about 57 years out by now, and since you were not great looking then, you must be fairly decrepit now, holed in some suburban enclave where you do nothing with your life, acting like you have accomplished something, when in fact you have not. I hope this gets back to you, bitch. Of course, the thing to remember with these people is that while YOU remember THEM, they NEVER REMEMBER YOU!!!! Mike would probably deny all involvement in this if confronted today. I would like to confront him with a tax audit to get even, and if I had gone that professional path, believe me, I just might, being such a bitch, at times. But I just wanted to show, loves, that not all my resentments involve women, and women don't hold the premium on being abusive. So suffer wherever you are, Mr. Michael Karol, and know that you have been exposed for the fraud you are here!!!!!!!

My, that felt good, girls. Almost as good as my return to Yoga this morning, which I am doing for my back, and going to a class tomorrow; it is time to get physical, even if we will never dance like Donna McKechnie, we can be the best we can!!!!!! So that is my message to you today, girls, be the best you can be, and screw all the Michael Karols in your lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See you on the aisle, tonight, loves, with a full report tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!