Darlings, As Soon As They Tried To Hang The Dog (And Actually Showed It!!!!!!!!) That Is When I Said, "All Right; Get Those Rotten Motherfuckers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

                                Yesterday was Trash Horror Afternoon, at our house, girls, so we hunkered in, under the covers, watching "The Calling," a movie from 2,000, featuring the renowned South African actress, Alice Krige, who, as far as IMDB is concerned, does not even put this on her resume.   After watching, I can see why!  Maybe she needed a new car, or something!

                                 The first thing to be said about "The Calling" is that, outside of Alice, who manages to be the best thing in it, I have never heard of anyone else in this movie.  That includes the director, Richard Caesar, who, during the course of its rather long 89 minutes, manages to reference so many movies, thus wanting to display not only his film knowledge, but also his adeptness at cribbing from other sources.  "The Calling" is a supernatural concoction assembled from "Rosemary's Baby," "The Omen," "The Mephisto Waltz," "Eyes Wide Shut," "The Ring," and, via a raven, an odd nod to Hitchcock, and "The Birds."  Too bad Tippi did not turn up., but she obviously, unlike Alice, did not need a new car, for she had the sense to steer clear of this crap!!!!!!!!!!!!

                               Oh, with one other thing, having just seen "Philomena" last week, this is another movie that sticks it to the Irish, or at least those of Celtic origin.  The whole thing is set in an isolated spot, an island called the Isle of Wall.

                                 Speaking of the aforementioned "Ring," it is clear that, in addition to Mia Farrow in "Rosemary's Baby", Laura Harris, who plays the film's heroine, Kristie St. Clair, is also channeling Naomi Watts in "The Ring."  In casting terms, Harris suggests a Watts type, which leads me to suspect the filmmakers wanted Naomi in the first place, but she turned this down, too.  Bet she regrets this now, because, lately, darlings, what exactly has  she done?  And does anybody care?

                                   So, let me me try and explain this mess.  Alice Krige, with no wit or charm (not because Alice can't act it, but because of the script, which has  none!!!!) plays Elizabeth Plummer, the Minnie Castevet of the piece.  She must have come from a family of devil worshipers, for, as she explains to Evil Child Dylan, (a terrible child actor, named Alex Roe!!!!) at one point, this Celtic book of witchcraft or Satanism was given  to her when she was a little girl, and she is now passing it on to him.  Elizabeth and her sucker husband, Jack (John Standing) are big time TV execs, but Jack is no Roman Castevet, he is just some poor dupe who got suckered in.   The real scumbag, who makes Guy Woodhouse seem saintly by comparison is Mark St. Clair, (Richard Lintern) who plays enough of a scumbag to make you hate him, but, like most everyone here, his career went nowhere.  He is either a devil worshiper himself, or (and this would make more sense, in the "Rosemary's Baby" context) was lured into it by Elizabeth, due to his sizzling ambition.  They even have a child of their own, Samuel, who Elizabeth passes off as Jack's.  At some point, Mark is dispatched to the States, where he meets and marries a young, naive and vulnerable girl--the Rosemary of this story--named Kristie, played by Miss Harris.  You have to give Guy Woodhouse some credit; at least he and Rosemary had several good years of a REAL marriage, before moving into the Bramford, and meeting up with the Castevets.  Poor Kristie is doomed from the moment the words "man and wife" are pronounced, because, that very night the counterpart of the dream sequence of 'Rosmary' takes place, with Mark luring Kristie to a rocky, romantic place, practically humping her up against the stones...but is he doing the humping, or Something Else??????  In no time, Kristie is pregnant, and, isolated with Mark, surrounded by Elizabeth, who is just a  little too present, and gives birth to a healthy--at least on the surface--baby boy, whom they name Dylan.

                              Are you with me, so far?  Good, because where the  movie begins to get sick is when the character who is this story's counterpart to the murdered Terry Gionoffrio, turns out to be a child.  That child is the Plummers' son, Samuel, who goes missing, receives extensive news coverage, and is eventually found dead, murdered, in some ritualistic manner, in a barn, with his heart cut out.  This happens before Kristie gives birth to Dylan, and it is a wonder the gruesome incident did not make her miscarry!  As it turns out, it is a shame she didn't!!!!!!!!!!!

                                So, Dylan is born, Samuel is forgotten, and Elizabeth seems to be hovering around the St. Clair house a little too much, enacting the role of a surrogate aunt, spoiling Dylan with gifts, using it as a bane of comfort for Samuel's loss.  Once she gives that Celtic book to Dylan is when things start to happen.
For one thing, Dylan's clear preference for his father and Elizabeth, becomes more pronounced now, to the extent he verbally lashes out hatefully at Kristie, who has no idea what is going on...yet.  She starts getting wise when she taxis home one day with a weird religious guy named Carmac, (a good performance by Francis Magee) and, once there, hears indescribably horrible sounds, which turns out to be their dog, Baxter, hanging from his chain by the fence, almost dead.  Kristie frees Baxter, and, when she confronts Mark, he says he did it, because he bit precious Dylan on both of his hands, and he wants Kristie to put the dog down!  At this point, I wanted everyone connected to the film to be put down, first, for showing such a horribly cruel sequence, and, second, because at the end, I did not see the disclaimer "No animals were harmed during the making of this film."  So, the fact that none of these actors' careers went anywhere, or the filmmakers', is karmic retribution, which they fully deserved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                               Kristie begins hanging around more and more with Carmac, so much so, you begin to wonder if they are going to have a thing, him being a hot piece of Celtic flesh, and, frankly, I would have preferred him to sleazoid Mark.  Carmac turns out to be a font of information, and his residence is filled with so many religious amulets and statuaries, I thought he might be an ex-priest.  It is through him that Laura learns Dylan is the anti-Christ, and when her marriage degenerates to the point where Mark and Elizabeth openly tongue each other in front of her, she knows she has to do something.  She naively thinks she can still save Dylan, which leads her to infiltrating a birthday party for Dylan, thrown by Mark and Elizabeth, which turns out to be more of a sex party for adults, with masks, straight out of "The Mephisto Waltz" and "Eyes Wide Shut."  According to Carmac, the only way Kristie can save things is by  killing Dylan herself, which she tries to do, taking him from the party, with Mark and Elizabeth in pursuit, dragging him into the ocean, where she holds him underwater, and drowns him--then turns to face the wrath of the entire island community.

                         To backtrack a little, this is the point where the film begins.  The story is then told in flashback.  What folllows from here turns out to preposterous.  Kristie is shot, survives, and is hospitalized.  While confined--now pay attention to details here, girls!!!!!--she watches media coverage of Dylan's deasth and funeral.  He was able to talk backward so he was regarded as something of a wunderkind by islanders, who were charmed by him, could not sense his coldness, and so turn out en masse for the media event.  Dylan's death took place on a Friday, so guess when the funeral is???? That's right--Easter Sunday?????

                            I bet by now you can guess what happens.  During the burial, there is an almost apocalyptic storm, and Carmac, that hot Celt, takes off his shirt, showing his smooth, but scarred, manly chest, revealing himself to be an Earthly incarnate of Satan!  Before you know it, Dylan is banging to be let out of his coffin, and out he pops in what is--you got it--an "anti-Christ Resurection!!!!!!!!!"  How contrived!

                             Watching this with Kristie, as he listens to her, is the only person left on the island she can trust--Father Mullin (Peter Waddington).  Kristie has been recounting all this to him, as the film unfolds, and I don't think, until he witnesses the Resurection on TV, that he beleives her.

                               In some kind of ending , out of "Thelma and Louise" or "Easy Rider," Father Mullin and Kristie elude the islanders, flee the hospital, and hit the road.  Father Mullin is so disgusted by the anti-clerical forces seeeming to triumph, he tears off his collar, as if to renounce the Catholic faith, and find another religion to follow.  Bet he ends up joining the Sisters Of Perpetual Indulgence!!!!!

                               But that is if he survives.  Because, just as that collar hits the dirt, a motorcycle comes along, and someone picks it up. This turn out to be the evil baldheaded emissary of Karmac, whom we have seen do evil earlier.  The film fades out on him following Kristie and Mullin.  Their fate is left to the viewer!!!!

                                As if anyone cares!

                                My strongest objection to this film is  how fast and lose it plays with the lives of animals and children.  Samuel is sacrificed like Terry in "Rosemary's Baby," probably because his behavior did not conform to anti-clerical behavior (ie; he was a genuinely nice kid!!!!) or, when he was told how he was going to be ritually converted, which was by being nailed, upside down, to  a cross, he either protested, or died during the ceremony.  My guess is he was killed, by Mark, during such, as he doth protest too much!  And this was a kid Mark had conceived on his own!  His fleah and blood!  What a scumbag!

                               Likewise, when Kristie's girl friend, Lynette Peterson (Camilla Power) is murdered, it is because she accidentally witnesses Dylan's anti-clerical conversion, which, unlike Samuel, he is thrilled with!  I mean, this kid LOVES being nailed to the cross, and this is shown explicitly!!!!!!!!  Likewise, Dylan's drowning is shown as clearly as though it were a family picnic.

                               The filmmakers' seeming disregard for children and animals makes me squeamish, and that may be one reason why this film, and no one in it, went anywhere.  That, and the fact that too many sources were ripped off!  Shall we review them now, darlings????? OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                "Rosemary's Baby"--naive wife, sleazy hubby, witch ringleader, fantasy copulation with Devil sequence, evil child.

                                "The Omen"--evil child, witch caregiver (Alice Krige as Elizabeth, seems to corrspond to Billie Whitelaw, as Mrs. Baylock, in the original, 1976, version, as well as Minnie Castevet!!!!!

                                 "The Mephisto Waltz"--demonology, sex party.

                                 "Eyes Wide Shut'--sex party, again.  Where, by the way, and in front of Dylan, and the guests, Elizabeth's husband Jack, is disposed of by electrocution in a hot tub!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                 "The Ring"--setting the whole thing  on an isloated island, away from the mainland!!!!!!!!!!

                                 "Thelma and Louise" and "Easy Rider"--that roadside ending!

                                You see, darlings????  Not an ounce of originality in the whole thing!  And we both sat through it, for which, I feel, we should get something!  Speaking for myself, I would have preferred an ending, straight out of David Lynch's "Blue Velvet."  In the immortal words of Frank Booth (Dennis Hopper) I would have liked to have sent Dylan "a love letter, straight from my heart!!!!"  In the world of "Blue Velvet," a "love letter turns out to be "a bullet!!!!!!!!!!!!"

                                Straight through this kid's head, dolls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!