The Cow; Or, Who Is Culley??????????????????????????

                               This story made my day, it got me laughing so, especially after riding into the city on the subway, weeping copiously over the death of both Dorrit brothers, in "Little Doritt."

                                 Under the rubric of "you cannot make this shit up," let me introduce 61 year-old Britisher, Paul Lovell.  While out of town on a pastoral visit, he was seen by some travelers--I kid you not-- with his pants off, naked from the waist down, in a country meadow!!!!!!  Someone investigated--and just caught him in the act of finishing having sex with a sheep!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The story went you could see semen pouring forth from the poor sheep, and on the old duffer's penis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                     He was hauled into court, prosecuted, as should be, and do you know what his defense was?  It had the jury in such stitches, the judge dismissed them for lunch.

                                       He said he wanted to have sex with a cow, nearby, but that the cow turned him down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                        Oh, it gets better, darlings!  It was a male cow, and Mr. Lovell actually wanted to fellate  him!!!!!!!!!!!!  So, he had to get under the cow, and lie on the ground!!!!!!!!!!  How in the world did he not get trampled??????????/

                                         But this is only the first of several questions I have about this story.  Consider--

                                          1. Wasn't Viagra good enough?  Is this what Lovell needs to get
                                                a thrill?  Why not settle for a plastic vagina, in the privacy
                                                of his own home?

                                           2. What of the sheep?  Did it consent?  Did it entice Lovell? What did it say,
                                                   "Come on over here, Big Boy?"  I doubt it! This sheep was the
                                                 victim of animal abuse! Gets the Rights Advocates on this case!

                                            3.  How did the cow turn Lovell down?  Did he just walk away?
                                                     Did he say, "Sorry, but I am straight," or "Sorry, but you
                                                  are not my type?" Did the cow reject Lovell on the basis of
                                                      poor hygiene??????????

                                        This is almost too preposterous to believe. But how about this?  I once was told by someone who had dated this guy, about a man, who, for awhile, was seeing one of those quintessential Upper East Side types. Things had progressed to where he had a key to her spacious apartment. On one visit, he walked into the apartment, going straight to the bedroom--and found her naked on the bed, with one of the two Dobermans she owns standing over her--going down on her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                           The guy was appalled.  "But I did this for you!" she countered!  Apparently, she thought this would turn him on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                             She used peanut butter to lure the dog.....there!  I just hope it was Skippy Creamy, not Chunky!

                                              And not Jiff, please, because that is what I use!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                              This gives me great ammunition for my next visit to Demarchelier.  If Nasty Hostess, or any of those other types give me a time, I can fire back, "Why don't you just go home, and have the Doberman eat you out?????????"   Bet that will stop them in their tracks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                   And I bet you never found anything like this in Truman Capote's
"Answered Prayers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

                                                     Stick with me, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1