Girls, after last weekend's lesbian encounter, I am still shivering. Good thing I have a warm and glowing evening planned, loves, because it will take the pain off that Saaphic sting. What is the world coming to, when we have to fear the wrath of butch lesbians? Butch gays, who are bigger and stronger (though their lesbian counterparts would not agree) don't behave this violently; or if they do it is toward each other, not threatening everyone else in a public place.
But my hair is done and coiffed, and I am all set to hit the town tonight. And again tomorrow with Virginia, whose adventures are so exciting to hear.
And before you know it, it will be Memorial Day weekend, kicked off by the Joan Crawford classic, "Strait Jacket!" What a way to usher in the summer!
Hope the summer is as summery as we all hope it will be, girls!!!!!!!!!!!
And watch out for predtory lesbians!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Darlings, Protect Me From Predatory Lesbians!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, girls, don't worry, I have NOt been hit on by a lesbian. After all, my male appendage guarantees I won't, and I would not go there, anyway. I am talking about what happened yesterday afternoon at Manatu's in the Village before I attended my Dignity service.
There I was, lambs, seated, eating a sandwich and drinking a coke, and the place was packed. The front doors were open to let in air because it was warm. Near the front doors, off to my right, sat a trio of women who clearly were the sort you would find hanging out in front of Henrietta's on Saturday night, and sweethearts, let me tell you, if you are in any way male, you do not dare cross that line, because dead men certainly don't tell no tales.
It was a quiet, peaceful Sunday afternoon at Mantus, when the serenity was suddenly shattered--so suddenly it took us all aback, and we were too stunned to react--when the woman with her back to the door, stood up abruptly, scraping her chair loudly enough for all to hear, then throwing an object--a knife or fork I think, which, considering how packed the place is, could have resulted in disaster and danger for someone--and screaming out, "I am walking out." The women seated across from her, to whom she vented this wrath, screamed back at her, "I hope you drink yourself to death!" To which the woman standing answered, while groping her crotch like a man, and let me tell you, darlings, I THOUGHT I saw a bulge theere, and replied, "I hope you grope yourself to death!" Then she stormed off furiously, with one of the waiters chasing after her, screaming, "You crazy lesbian bitch!!!!!!!!" The woman seated next to the first woman, declared, "I am walking out!" got up, and left. Simply but firmly. I felt bad for the woman left, I thought she was going to cry. She did not, and somehow pulled herself together, went on with the rest of her meal, then got up, paid, and walked out of there with some kind of dignity.
Now, I do not know what transpired between them, lambs, to provoke this, but I am telling you--a bunch of gay men would NOT throw an object across a roomful of people, endangering anyone. We would yell "Bitch!" and flounce out of there as fast as our hips could wiggle, like Scarlett in GWTW, which is less dangerous than what these women did. I firmly believe there is a place for lesbians in our society--after all, we are all God's creatures, darlings--but with something like this, I begin to think that that place is the island of Lesbos. Or at least Staten Island!
It is not enough we have to worry about gay bashing, now we have to worry abut violent lesbinas. When I lived in Brookln, there was a pair who left two doors away--real diesels, let me tell you!--and every so often I would be reading in my bedroom, and the walls would shake, and I would hear "Where the hell is my birthday card? Gimme my goddamn birthday card!" What I did not know, working all day and not being home much, was that this behavior went on pretty regularly, so much so that the other tenants called for their evicition. And when they went, they wrote, in red lipstick, all kinds of obscenities on the mirrors and walls.
So Frank Marcus pretty much had it dead to rights when he wrote "The Killing of Sister George." I would like to see this trio from yesterday "Moo-ing" in front of a TV camera. The gay couple near them were so terrified, they got up and left.
As well they should. I am calling for Gay Man Protection Agst Lesbians! And if it happens again, I will go to the Anit-Violence project.
This is what my weekend was like, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There I was, lambs, seated, eating a sandwich and drinking a coke, and the place was packed. The front doors were open to let in air because it was warm. Near the front doors, off to my right, sat a trio of women who clearly were the sort you would find hanging out in front of Henrietta's on Saturday night, and sweethearts, let me tell you, if you are in any way male, you do not dare cross that line, because dead men certainly don't tell no tales.
It was a quiet, peaceful Sunday afternoon at Mantus, when the serenity was suddenly shattered--so suddenly it took us all aback, and we were too stunned to react--when the woman with her back to the door, stood up abruptly, scraping her chair loudly enough for all to hear, then throwing an object--a knife or fork I think, which, considering how packed the place is, could have resulted in disaster and danger for someone--and screaming out, "I am walking out." The women seated across from her, to whom she vented this wrath, screamed back at her, "I hope you drink yourself to death!" To which the woman standing answered, while groping her crotch like a man, and let me tell you, darlings, I THOUGHT I saw a bulge theere, and replied, "I hope you grope yourself to death!" Then she stormed off furiously, with one of the waiters chasing after her, screaming, "You crazy lesbian bitch!!!!!!!!" The woman seated next to the first woman, declared, "I am walking out!" got up, and left. Simply but firmly. I felt bad for the woman left, I thought she was going to cry. She did not, and somehow pulled herself together, went on with the rest of her meal, then got up, paid, and walked out of there with some kind of dignity.
Now, I do not know what transpired between them, lambs, to provoke this, but I am telling you--a bunch of gay men would NOT throw an object across a roomful of people, endangering anyone. We would yell "Bitch!" and flounce out of there as fast as our hips could wiggle, like Scarlett in GWTW, which is less dangerous than what these women did. I firmly believe there is a place for lesbians in our society--after all, we are all God's creatures, darlings--but with something like this, I begin to think that that place is the island of Lesbos. Or at least Staten Island!
It is not enough we have to worry about gay bashing, now we have to worry abut violent lesbinas. When I lived in Brookln, there was a pair who left two doors away--real diesels, let me tell you!--and every so often I would be reading in my bedroom, and the walls would shake, and I would hear "Where the hell is my birthday card? Gimme my goddamn birthday card!" What I did not know, working all day and not being home much, was that this behavior went on pretty regularly, so much so that the other tenants called for their evicition. And when they went, they wrote, in red lipstick, all kinds of obscenities on the mirrors and walls.
So Frank Marcus pretty much had it dead to rights when he wrote "The Killing of Sister George." I would like to see this trio from yesterday "Moo-ing" in front of a TV camera. The gay couple near them were so terrified, they got up and left.
As well they should. I am calling for Gay Man Protection Agst Lesbians! And if it happens again, I will go to the Anit-Violence project.
This is what my weekend was like, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, May 14, 2010
Darlings, I MIght As Well Play Bridge With My Old Maid Aunts!!!!!!!!!!!!
Girls, wheeee-hew!, my old maid aunts made me what I am today. Saturday eves at their lace strewn, doily laden residence with stewed prunes and other spinster gourmet delights was SO exciting. You learned all about dining and sophistication but once a month on Satuday they would go out with "The Girls" and have the most exciting meals and scintillating conversations. Darlings, it made me yearn for adulthood, and when I became an old maid aunt--which I have been for a long time, but am finally hoping to escape--I appreciated what I had been taught. And let me tell you, some of those nights were more action filled than I got on some of those so-called date ngihts. So do not mock this lyric, girls, go visit and pay some attention to your old maid aunts, because they can teach you more than you could imagine they would know.
So stock up on spinsterhood this weekend, loves, and have yourselves a great one!
So stock up on spinsterhood this weekend, loves, and have yourselves a great one!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Darlings, This Week We Bring You Our First Fictitious Bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!
Girls, when I initiated this column months back, I DID promise that some of our Bitches of the Week would be fictitious ones--characters whose bitchiness we just love. And there is no better place to begin than our current winner.
The winner of this week's Raving Queen Bitch Of The Week Award is--Miss Veda Pierce!!!!!!!
She was, of course, darlings, immmortalized by Ann Blyth in the Joan Crawford classic "Mildred Pierce." Now, as we know, Joan could be something of a bitch herself, but that is for another time. In "Mildred Pierce", for which she won as Oscar, she was actually playing for sympathy, as a self-sacrificing Mom with an ungrateful daughter. No one knew about Joan back then, so they empathized with her as Mildred. But for those of us who know Joan now--she got what she asked for here!!!!
Darlings, you just have to LOVE Veda! She is SO misunderstood. She was just a poor, unrecognized girl with goals, which let me tell you, I can relate to, loves. You had better believe Veda knew her dress designers; my favorite moment comes early on, when she tries on the packaged dress and declares "It's awfully cheap material. I can tell by the smell. ....."Well, if you are going to buy anything, it should be the best. This is definitely NOT the best!"
Damn right, Veda, which is what endured me and counteless others to her. I mean, the social disgrace of having your mother be a waitress. I was NOT raised in Goat Alley, hon, and neither was Veda, and the very idea was enough to make our skin crawl. You can bet my mother was no waitress. Veda had goals and aspirations, which is more than can be said for young people today, if sitting through that awful "American Idiot" two nights ago is any indication, and they are something all us gay boys can relate to--a mansion and a rich husband!!!!! Honey, if I had them, I am ready to retire right now! And Veda was no tramp; she got $10k from Ted without even sleeping with him, though she DID sleep with Monty, who was obviously more of a catch. And even Monty had her number, which is why she gunned him down. But our Veda is not one to take any crap, so take heed loves--her parting line is "Don't worry about me, Mother; I'll get by." From nightclub to prison, you better believe this bitch will get by, which is why we LOVE her.
So hats off to Miss Veda Pierce, our Bitch Of The Week. You have to hand it to her, she knew how to go after what she want and get it.
Let's hope I have the same luck, loves! But without some of Veda's consequences!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The winner of this week's Raving Queen Bitch Of The Week Award is--Miss Veda Pierce!!!!!!!
She was, of course, darlings, immmortalized by Ann Blyth in the Joan Crawford classic "Mildred Pierce." Now, as we know, Joan could be something of a bitch herself, but that is for another time. In "Mildred Pierce", for which she won as Oscar, she was actually playing for sympathy, as a self-sacrificing Mom with an ungrateful daughter. No one knew about Joan back then, so they empathized with her as Mildred. But for those of us who know Joan now--she got what she asked for here!!!!
Darlings, you just have to LOVE Veda! She is SO misunderstood. She was just a poor, unrecognized girl with goals, which let me tell you, I can relate to, loves. You had better believe Veda knew her dress designers; my favorite moment comes early on, when she tries on the packaged dress and declares "It's awfully cheap material. I can tell by the smell. ....."Well, if you are going to buy anything, it should be the best. This is definitely NOT the best!"
Damn right, Veda, which is what endured me and counteless others to her. I mean, the social disgrace of having your mother be a waitress. I was NOT raised in Goat Alley, hon, and neither was Veda, and the very idea was enough to make our skin crawl. You can bet my mother was no waitress. Veda had goals and aspirations, which is more than can be said for young people today, if sitting through that awful "American Idiot" two nights ago is any indication, and they are something all us gay boys can relate to--a mansion and a rich husband!!!!! Honey, if I had them, I am ready to retire right now! And Veda was no tramp; she got $10k from Ted without even sleeping with him, though she DID sleep with Monty, who was obviously more of a catch. And even Monty had her number, which is why she gunned him down. But our Veda is not one to take any crap, so take heed loves--her parting line is "Don't worry about me, Mother; I'll get by." From nightclub to prison, you better believe this bitch will get by, which is why we LOVE her.
So hats off to Miss Veda Pierce, our Bitch Of The Week. You have to hand it to her, she knew how to go after what she want and get it.
Let's hope I have the same luck, loves! But without some of Veda's consequences!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Darlings, Once You Have Sat Through "American Idiot, You Realize What A Genius Bonnie Tyler Was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I must be feeling my age, girls, because last night, while watching "American Idiot" at the St James Theatre, the Gerneration Gap came full circle, because, while I am not a parent, I now understand what my poor father had to go through back in 1969, sitting with me through the movie "Woodstock." By the time I left the theater, my ears were throbbing, and I was desperate for curling under my comforter with a cup of a tea and a novel, even if--God forbid!--it was Barbara Taylor Bradford!!!! You see what this show did to me, loves? It sent me back to Barbara Taylor Bradford!!!!!!
Now, no one loves a bitchfest more than moi, girls, and those of you who have followed along on here know how bitchy I can get. I mean, yeah!!!! BUT bitchfests, and bitching in general, have to be about something, and then you have to make your receptors UNDERSTAND what it is you are bitching about. Which the makers of this show fail to do, because the music has been amped up SO MUCH that during the ensemble numbers you cannot understand a single word. The cast is young, some, I mean the guys, are rather cute, but so what, when you can not make heads or tails of the material. All of these kids are talented; they'd be better showcasing it in "Annie" instead of this!!!!! The whole intermissionless evening (and thank God only 90 minutes!) is one screaming, jumping up and down session about parental misunderstanding, running away from home, and then, aw shucks, we can't hack it in the outside world, so let's go home!!!!! I mean, "The Wizard of Oz" was more sophisticated than this--and has inspired generations. This only inspires a mass exodus when the show is over, though let me tell you, darlings, this got a STANDING OVATION from the audience!!!!! Well, hell, they would ovate a trained seal. But in this case, sweethearts--the TRAINED SEAL WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Still, there was one nice song, "Wake Me Up When September Ends" that shows there is potential here, and another, "21 Guns" that reminded me of "Three-Five-Zero-Zero" from "HAIR." Except "HAIR" did it better.
To think of those poor ghosts lurking about the St James Theatre, where so many classics have premiered, who must be hanging their heads in shame over this. One can hope it will beat a hasty retreat, but I do not think so, not only because it is the HOTTEST tkt on Broadway, but I would not be surprised if the TONY voters, thinking this is so NOW, vote it "Best Musical". Michael Reidel, can you hear me???????????? Helppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It makes you realize what a genius Bonnie Tyler is. If only her music video of "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" had been put on the musical stage! Now there is a SHOW!!! With lyrics!!!!!!!!!!
Girls, I need a total eclipse of the heart myself, but, who knows, it could be on the way. I have to be cagey for now, but when the time is right, I will shed light on all this mystery!!!!
But do yourselves a favor and save money--do not see "American Idiot." Though the REAL AI's are the ones who think it is great!!!!!!
"Mother of Mercy! Is this the end of Rico?" It could be the end of musical theater!!!!!!!!!!!!
Help me, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, no one loves a bitchfest more than moi, girls, and those of you who have followed along on here know how bitchy I can get. I mean, yeah!!!! BUT bitchfests, and bitching in general, have to be about something, and then you have to make your receptors UNDERSTAND what it is you are bitching about. Which the makers of this show fail to do, because the music has been amped up SO MUCH that during the ensemble numbers you cannot understand a single word. The cast is young, some, I mean the guys, are rather cute, but so what, when you can not make heads or tails of the material. All of these kids are talented; they'd be better showcasing it in "Annie" instead of this!!!!! The whole intermissionless evening (and thank God only 90 minutes!) is one screaming, jumping up and down session about parental misunderstanding, running away from home, and then, aw shucks, we can't hack it in the outside world, so let's go home!!!!! I mean, "The Wizard of Oz" was more sophisticated than this--and has inspired generations. This only inspires a mass exodus when the show is over, though let me tell you, darlings, this got a STANDING OVATION from the audience!!!!! Well, hell, they would ovate a trained seal. But in this case, sweethearts--the TRAINED SEAL WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Still, there was one nice song, "Wake Me Up When September Ends" that shows there is potential here, and another, "21 Guns" that reminded me of "Three-Five-Zero-Zero" from "HAIR." Except "HAIR" did it better.
To think of those poor ghosts lurking about the St James Theatre, where so many classics have premiered, who must be hanging their heads in shame over this. One can hope it will beat a hasty retreat, but I do not think so, not only because it is the HOTTEST tkt on Broadway, but I would not be surprised if the TONY voters, thinking this is so NOW, vote it "Best Musical". Michael Reidel, can you hear me???????????? Helppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It makes you realize what a genius Bonnie Tyler is. If only her music video of "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" had been put on the musical stage! Now there is a SHOW!!! With lyrics!!!!!!!!!!
Girls, I need a total eclipse of the heart myself, but, who knows, it could be on the way. I have to be cagey for now, but when the time is right, I will shed light on all this mystery!!!!
But do yourselves a favor and save money--do not see "American Idiot." Though the REAL AI's are the ones who think it is great!!!!!!
"Mother of Mercy! Is this the end of Rico?" It could be the end of musical theater!!!!!!!!!!!!
Help me, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Darlings, Remember When We All Wanted To Be Supremes??????
I just recently heard "Someday, We'll Be Together" on an office loudspeaker today, and let me tell you, darlings, it took me back to the days when I wanted to be Diana Ross, and sing with the Supremes. When they did that song in their final appearance on the Ed Sullivan show, it was the end of an era, and things have never been the same. Even with that era having been brilliantly chronicled by Michael Bennett onstage in "Dreamgirls." And I am talking about the STAGGE verison not the movie! Jennifer Hudson, indeed!!!!!
This music just stops me in my tracks, girls! And stay tuned tomorrrow as I report on another excursion down the aisle at the Tony nominated "American Idiot." It shoud be something, though what, I am not sure!
Oh, yes we will girls, yes wwe will!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This music just stops me in my tracks, girls! And stay tuned tomorrrow as I report on another excursion down the aisle at the Tony nominated "American Idiot." It shoud be something, though what, I am not sure!
Oh, yes we will girls, yes wwe will!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Darlings, What Is It About Anguished Spinsters!!!!!!!
You may not believe this, girls, but I used to call myself a spinster. And not just a spinster, one who, as I believed at one time all spinsters must, "be grateful to whatever crumbs are thrown to them for life." Somewhere between this life stage and when I crossed the threshold of 40, I said fuck that, it is time to get about. And I haven't stopped. No, loves, I don't have a HUSSSSSSSSSBAAAAAAAAND!, but I am working on it.
But the anguished spinster continues to fascinate, and I want to call you attention to two great examples. Right now, lambs, I happen to be rereading the Ray Bradbury classic "Something Wicked This Way Comes," of which I have vivid memories of my one and only viewing of the 1983 Disney (can you believe it?) movie. As soon as I happened upon Miss Foley, the spinster schoolteacher, I recalled that the great character actress, Mary Grace Canfield, who will always be remembered as Ralph The Plummer on "Green Acres", played the spinster Miss Foley in the movie, and seldom in so short a time has the anguish of spinsterhood--which I recall, darlings!--been represented. A younger actress, Sharan Lea, played Young Miss Foley, whom the spinster wanted to be, feeling, as all spinsters do, that the parade has passed her by, and if she could just be young and beautiful again she could have a second chance. But as this story proves, there are NO second chances, and prices must be paid.........
In a similar vein there is Nettie Cobb in "Needful Things", played by the great Amanda Plummer. Nettie's solace from loneliness is her Rotweiler, Raider, and when he is murdered, and found hanging and mutilated in her closet, the spinster goes off her bird, and honey, she grabs a butcher knife and heads over to her arch enemy, Wilma Jercyzk (ie; Jerk, get it?) played by Shane Meier, as a goddamn beans n' franks lesbian, and don't we all know about those, girls. Wilma, in the meantime, has had her house vandalized, and is dead certain Nettie did it, which has her reaching for her butcher knife. Nettie gets there first, and Amanda, at her most Plummerish, says "You killed my doggy, bitch!" YEAH!!!!!! Then Wilma says menacingly, like one of the girls at Henrietta Hudson's on Saturday night here in New York, "Come on, you bitch!" And what a bitchfest takes place--when the two go flying out the window, it is a classic1 Nettie may be a spinster, but when spinsters are deprived, they are NOT to be messed with! And let me tell you something, darlings--this sequence I just described is on YouTube, and let me tell you it SO cathartic. After watching it, I felt so mellowed out that I am ready to face the rest of my day.
Girls, we just love those anguished spinsters. And so does American literature and culture---from Faulkner, to Capote, to Harper Lee, to Tennesse Williams, on up to the ones I have describec, and I am sure there will be others. But special kudos to Mary Grace and Amanda for delineating their characters so superbly.
Now, what can I delineate, girls? Maybe a beef bourgenon, and a sit down dinner with a husband? Honey, stay tuned, but let me tell you, I will not be priced out the way Miss Foley was!!!!!!!
See you at The Pierre, sometime, girls, in my Vera Wang gown!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But the anguished spinster continues to fascinate, and I want to call you attention to two great examples. Right now, lambs, I happen to be rereading the Ray Bradbury classic "Something Wicked This Way Comes," of which I have vivid memories of my one and only viewing of the 1983 Disney (can you believe it?) movie. As soon as I happened upon Miss Foley, the spinster schoolteacher, I recalled that the great character actress, Mary Grace Canfield, who will always be remembered as Ralph The Plummer on "Green Acres", played the spinster Miss Foley in the movie, and seldom in so short a time has the anguish of spinsterhood--which I recall, darlings!--been represented. A younger actress, Sharan Lea, played Young Miss Foley, whom the spinster wanted to be, feeling, as all spinsters do, that the parade has passed her by, and if she could just be young and beautiful again she could have a second chance. But as this story proves, there are NO second chances, and prices must be paid.........
In a similar vein there is Nettie Cobb in "Needful Things", played by the great Amanda Plummer. Nettie's solace from loneliness is her Rotweiler, Raider, and when he is murdered, and found hanging and mutilated in her closet, the spinster goes off her bird, and honey, she grabs a butcher knife and heads over to her arch enemy, Wilma Jercyzk (ie; Jerk, get it?) played by Shane Meier, as a goddamn beans n' franks lesbian, and don't we all know about those, girls. Wilma, in the meantime, has had her house vandalized, and is dead certain Nettie did it, which has her reaching for her butcher knife. Nettie gets there first, and Amanda, at her most Plummerish, says "You killed my doggy, bitch!" YEAH!!!!!! Then Wilma says menacingly, like one of the girls at Henrietta Hudson's on Saturday night here in New York, "Come on, you bitch!" And what a bitchfest takes place--when the two go flying out the window, it is a classic1 Nettie may be a spinster, but when spinsters are deprived, they are NOT to be messed with! And let me tell you something, darlings--this sequence I just described is on YouTube, and let me tell you it SO cathartic. After watching it, I felt so mellowed out that I am ready to face the rest of my day.
Girls, we just love those anguished spinsters. And so does American literature and culture---from Faulkner, to Capote, to Harper Lee, to Tennesse Williams, on up to the ones I have describec, and I am sure there will be others. But special kudos to Mary Grace and Amanda for delineating their characters so superbly.
Now, what can I delineate, girls? Maybe a beef bourgenon, and a sit down dinner with a husband? Honey, stay tuned, but let me tell you, I will not be priced out the way Miss Foley was!!!!!!!
See you at The Pierre, sometime, girls, in my Vera Wang gown!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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