Girls, As The Line Goes, "This Beats All Records For Running, Standing, And Jumping Gall!!!!!"

Darlings, take a look. There is no doubt that Dan Abrams is a cutie!!!! Which makes me wonder what he is up to. In my short and merry journey through the straight and gay communities, I have observed all kinds of attempts to score, get action, or, more bluntly put, get laid. But Mr. Abrams takes things to extremes. He has written a book.

A memoir would be too obvious. But there is no mistaking his intentions in the book's title--"Man Down--Proof Beyond Doubt That Women Are Better Cops, Drivers, Gamblers, Spies, World Leaders, Beer Tasters, Hedge Fund Managers, And Just About Everything Else." Oh, my God, what pretense! At 25 words, it is just two words longer than one of the longest title on record, and the longest play title ever--"Marat/Sade!!!!" And the intention behind this title is dubious at best. On one hand, it sounds like a variation on Henry Higgins' "A Hymn To Him" (or, as it is better known, "Why Can't A Woman Be More Like A Man?") from "My Fair Lady," which would make Mr. Abrams something of a misogynist. Or maybe a closet case???? I mean, it seems, from the title, and all the attributes, that he wants a woman who is, well, more like a man???? Hey, Dan, honey, if you are that conflicted, why not try the REAL thing!!!! I know some of MY girls out there who would like a crack at Dan!!!!!!

Hey, what has he got to lose? Single, still good looking in his mid-Forties (and with all your careerist projects, Dan, when do you fit in gym workouts, to keep that body taut and toned??? Maybe morning treadmill sessions, like Roberta????)

Or, one could view the book title as an obvious kiss up ploy to get women to notice him!!!! Oh, come on, Dan, can't you do better than that???? I am certainly not disputing his title's statement, but the kissing up could not be more obvious. It would be interesting to chart not only the demographics of this book's sales, as it relates to gender, it would be equally fascinating to chart Dan's romantic life in relation to this book's sales. But I am just a blogger, darlings, not a statistician!!!!!

My girls know that Dan's statistics are very nice!!!!! It just goes to show that even pretty packages can have some emotional security issues!!!!! So, I am telling you all here and now--if plagued with those, and you feel like writing a book, like Dan, fine!!!! But personally, I think following good grooming tips and possessing a socially functional personality (a REAL one, rather than faking it, like Ted Bundy!!!!) will get you further!!!!!

But isn't Dan cute, darlings!!!!! Hey, Dan, let us know how things turn out!!!!

Cheers, everyone!!!!!!!!

Darlings, It Seems I Have Recovered!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, let me be the first to tell you all, it pays not having been a druggie when young, because, now that I am older, I am SO responsive to them now!!!!! Yesterday, I had my fourth, and final wisdom tooth removed. I am not ready to eat steak yet, but I certainly feel better, than, say, 24 hours ago!!!! Score another one for Dinah Washington!!!! While I am not yet ready to chow down on steak, and am currently confining chewing to the right side, I feel ready and able to blog, have my reading concentration back, and am off and running!!!!!

But getting back to drugs. Well, to get the tooth out, even though it was just one, and was simply an extraction, I asked to be put out, because, like the song says in "Tommy," I didn't want to see it, I didn't want to hear it, and, most of all, I didn't want to FEEL it. I still have never seen "Marathon Man" but I do remember that scene in the Tom Hanks movie, "Castaway"......CRINGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And, even though I take a klonopin each night to help me sleep, which means, technically, I am anesthetizing myself nightly, it still pales besides the real thing, because there is always something frightening about surrendering yourself. Even when you are giving up your virtue, darlings, but let's not go there!!!!!

Honey, with my med history, I have seen it all!!!!! I can remember being gassed into unconsciousness by this sickening sweet smelling stuff that would seem to choke you, just before darkness usually closed in before your very eyes. This alone was enough to make undergoing anaesthesia a chief fear. However, I did not count on the passage of time, and advances, and thank God for them!!! Now, they have this wonderful stuff called Versed, and let me tell you, it is so fast working--at least on me--I cannot recommend it highly enough!!!!! I last had it January 8, for that great ritual of Middle Age--the colonoscopy!!!! I remember feeling the needle--which, after all what I have had stuck in me, is nothing!!!!--the med going in, and the room spinning, like in "The Wizard Of Oz," which is what I thought of. Then, in what seemed a split second, I was being congratulated on my results!!!!! With this procedure, it was even better; I had no idea of being out. I recall sitting in the chair, staring at this beautiful, multicolored, abstract art painting, which I seemed never for a second to lose sight of. Then, I was looking, and the surgeon said the tooth was successfully removed!!!!! I could not believe it!!!!! I mean, suppose I had given birth???? I might not have known!!!!!!

Fat chance of that at my age, (even though I am still PROFESSIONALLY 24) gender, and the fact that, at this point I would be post menopausal. (Though, when I occasionally act up, Monsieur wonders if I am having hot flashes, darlings!!!!!) But I am telling you, love, if you have to be put under, ask for Versed!!!!! The time flies faster than a viewing of "The Wizard Of Oz!" If not as much fun!!!!!

So here I am, still with all my girls, and ready to report on the latest Things To Be!!!!! Fashion Week is coming soon, will be held near where I work, so I might get to sit down with Anna!!!! Have I got lots to tell her!!!!!

And this is where you will hear it first, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Labor Day, Darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, today Summer unofficially comes to an end, so a happy Labor Day to all!!!
Remember that after tomorrow, the white shoes go away for another year, and so do the seersucker suits!!!! Now come the Street Festivals, in a last blast of outdoor frenzy, before the chill of Autumn and the cold of Winter force us back inside, where seasonal wardrobes have to be considered carefully!!!! And for children, or if you have children, it is the last blast before school starts, usually the Wednesday following today. At least, that's how it always was, back in Highland Park!!!!!!

So use this Labor day to relax, and gird up for what the coming cold seasons bring!!!!! Before you know it, the Rockettes will be dancing at Radio City, so if you want to be in that lineup. get out your kick shoes, and start practicing!!!!!

And a happy Labor day to all!!! Wasn't Summer 2011 something??????

All Right, Girls, I've HAD It!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I am telling you, EVERYTHING gets blamed for causing homosexuality--domineering mothers like Mrs. Bates, trying on dresses when you are five, or Daddy spending too much time at the office!!!! But this latest takes the cake, dolls!!!!!

Meet Skyler Horowitz. He is 54, and a self-declared gay from Queen ("a queen from Queens," he calls himself; honey, that one was around back when I was in junior high!!!!), who hangs out at Marie's Crisis, acting like he is on the cutting edge of Being Gay. As profiled in the "My Gay City" feature of "NEXT" Magazine, Mr. Horowitz looks every inch the gym rat, like someone who is desperately trying to break out with a career in Titan Media Films, but, let me tell you, Marie's has not been cutting edge for decades. Its decor suggests Eugene 0'Neill's "The Iceman Cometh," except on weekends post-midnight, when throngs of guys/gays and their Fag Hag girlfriends come pouring down the stairs to sing show tunes. Once, when I had respect for them, they used to do Rodgers and Hammerstein, Sondheim, and such. Now, they have sunk to the level of "Wicked," 'Spring Awakening," and that ilk!!!! Don't get me started on "Frank Mills;" the current crowd wouldn't know that from Frank Sinatra!!!!!

Mr. Horowitz, he of the baseball cap and muscles, maintains he was straight all his life--until he saw "Funny Girl!!!!!" Oh, come on, darling!!!!! If "funny Girl" caught your fancy, you were gay already, it did not JUST happen!!!!! And if it turns out he knew who Anne Francis was, then you know he is gay!!!! Let me clarify something--"Funny Girl" or certain moves in particular do not create homosexuals. Homosexuals create these movies. That is how certain films become what is termed "gay iconic."

It seems Mr. Horowitz wants to believe his own delusions, which indicates he is still not comfortable with being gay!!!!!! And "Funny Girl" is SO gay iconic it is part of my deprogramming for serial killers. Here is how it works--catch your basic male serial killer, who, for the most part, is heterosexual, lock him in an interrogation room, and ceaselessly run "Funny Girl," until he breaks down, and begs for incarceration. Or, up the ante, with me performing the whole thing next to the screen. That will have him begging for lethal injection.

The bottom line, girls, is don't believe Horowitz' (pardon the pun!) cock and bull story about this movie turning him gay! Either he was from the get-go, or he is still a big old closet case!!!!!!

Take the key, and lock him up, darlings!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I Should Have Gone To An Acting School....That Seems Clear!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Labor Day weekend, girls! On a picnic morning, without a warning! May we all try to look our Kim Novak best!!!!!!!

Yes, I should have gone to an acting school. But then, when you look at it, it seems my life has been one big acting school. Who needs Lee Strasberg, when you can have what goes on here??????

Anyway, things are looking interesting for the weekend. There is "The Debt," with Helen Mirren, and a chance to see if Jessica Chastain, so miscast as Celia in "The Help," has some genuine acting chops, or there is the laugh-filled riot sure to be expected from "Shark Night In 3-D!" Just like the piranhas last year, I am sure the shark or sharks steal the show in this one. And I am talking about real, aquatic sharks, darlings, not "West Side Story" ones.

One could cozy up and watch the film version of "Picnic," with the aforementioned Miss Novak. It is set on this weekend, so what is more fitting????
Or we could check what is happening at the Fringe Fest. "Elysian Fields?" "The Legend Of Julie Taymor?" It could be a blast!!!!!!!!!!

The important thing, darlings is that you have a blast, because, even though we have until the 21st, technically this weekend marks the fading of summer. More than the passing of any other season, there is always something sad about that. I think it goes back to when we all uniformly used to dread September, when the specter of Back To School hung over all of us. Once liberated from that, what is there to get worked up about?????

So a fond farewell right now, to Summer 2011, highlighted for yours truly by that fabulous trip to New Orleans!!!!!!! Make haste for your clothes closets as Fashion Week and falling autumn leaves fast approach!!!!!!!!!!!

Soon we'll hear old Winter's song, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I Cannot Believe I Missed This One!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This week's Bitch Of The Week I just recently discovered, but once I did, let me tell you, I knew he was destined for this honor. Had I been writing this column when the events in question transpired, he would no doubt have earned the distinction of being the youngest winner. But, since said incident, which I shall recount, was seventeen years ago, he is past that distinction, but still rates BOTW status.

The winner of this week's Raving Queen Bitch Of The Week Award is Eric Smith of Savona, New York!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Before you say, "Who?", let me explain. This past Sunday, while Irene was racing, and, to pass the time, since we fortunately had power, I began to watch a program called "Too Young To Kill: 15 Shocking Crimes," a profile of 15 juvenile offenders who had killed.
I actually knew a couple of the cases--Sam Manzie and the Shanda Sharer case. But Eric's case was completely new to me, and fascinating, because even as I looked into the eyes of a seemingly innocent child, I could see a cold and calculating sociopath.

Eric's story can easily be seen as real life version of both the "Law and Order" episode, "Killerz," where Hallee Hirsh played Jenny Brandt, and an inverted version of the Tyler Clementi tragedy. The end result was horrifying.

Born on January 22, 1980, Eric was raised upstate in Savona, New York, a town in Steuben County. He was a problem from the get-go; like Jenny, he followed the classic serial killer pattern of starting out with killing small animals, indicative that it would only be a short time before he escalated to bigger victims.

Combined with this, was Eric's appearance, and the bullying it caused. Because of a drug his mother had taken during pregnancy, Eric's ears were somewhat set back. Not really a big deal, but when you are a kid, and to other kids who prey on weaker ones, it can be, and it was. Eric's ears, combined with his red hair, aviator glasses, and cold look, gave him a decidedly nerdy appearance that was often prey to classmate taunts. He grew up a loner, with, apparently no friends whatsoever. By the time he reached 13, Eric had stored up a lot of rage from years of teasing, and it was almost inevitable that it exploded. Which it did on the morning of August 2, 1993.

Across the street from the Smiths lived the Robies, who had a four-year-old son, named Derrick. He was cute, happy, and sunny. He was also extremely vulnerable. Several blocks away from their houses was a day camp for kids during the summer, which both boys would partake of, although their paths had never crossed before. That day, they did; Derrick's mother, in an echo of Julie Patz back in 1979, gave in to her son's yearning for independence--his desire to walk the straight block walk from his house to the camp--fairly visible--for the first time. Thinking there could be no harm, she did--a regret I am sure she carries to this day.

Somewhere along his walk, Eric happened by on his bike. He talked Derrick into following him on a shortcut he knew. In a wooded area, Eric then strangled, stabbed and sodomized four-year-old Derrick, hitting him with two different rocks, to assure he was dead. He left the body there.

Of course, neighbors suspected an adult pedophile. Who wouldn't??? Horrific as that was, a search began for Derrick's killer, with Eric even helping in the attempt. Eventually, police discovered that Eric somehow knew too much about what was going on, and that, when Derrick's steps were traced, things seemed to somehow stop with Eric. Several days later, Eric broke down, and told his parents what he had done. They turned him in the next day, horrifying even more the town of Savona. An adult perp would have been bad enough, but a child?????????

Eric was grilled psychologically, where it was determined he suffered from what was called "impulsive explosive disorder", causing him to erupt violently in outbursts he could not control. It was also clear, as Eric explained it, that in murdering Derrick, he was acting out the rage he felt against his classmate tormentors. But, because, as he said, Eric was "defenseless", and the opportunity just presented itself (same with Levi Aron and Leiby Kletzsky) Eric acted on his evil impulses. He was given a life sentence.

This alone is enough to make Eric this week's winner. But what makes him stand out more, is that, as a 31- year -old adult, he has gone up several times for parole, because he feels he has been rehabilitated. He says that at age 13, he had no sense of morality, because he did not know what morals were. Except, Eric, that the age of reason is 7. And that in knowingly choosing Derrick as victim because he was defenseless, you are making a cold and calculated move. Because no one first thought of a child killer, Eric almost slipped through the radar. The prosecutor of his case contends, and I agree, that, had he not been caught, or, if released, he would no doubt kill again.

Eric's story is a tragedy all around. The Robies lost their child, Derrick. Eric lost his freedom because he did not get the help he needed early on. And he was bullied. Unlike poor Tyler Clementi, who turned his feelings upon himself, Eric turned them outward, with irrevocable results. But the fact he so righteously maintains his recovery and fitness for society is the added ingredient in making him the Bitch Of The Week. As long as Eric remains confined, society is safe.
If released, I don't care how much time goes by, Eric will be heard from again.

And to think he has the audacity to say that if he is set free, he would return and live in Savona. As if anyone there would let him????? And with that sodomy act he pulled, how about registering for sex offender status? Eric's release would require a new identity and anonymous existence to keep him from being torn apart. It is a wonder he has not been done so already in prison.

So here is to Eric Smith, Bitch Of The Week. His deeds have obviously not been forgotten by him or others, so it is best he stay where he is.

A REAL piece of work, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See You In September, Darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, can you believe it is September 1???????? I am telling you, the summer has just flown by!!!!! And you know how I feel--once you reach the "ber" months, the year is over, because things speed up so fast now, before you know it, we are going into the following year!!!!

And the transitions--from vacation to school for the young; from Summer to Fall; to a new cultural season, so watch out for Theater Queens, and those vicious Opera Fiends!!!! La Festa De San Genaro!!!! Yes, September is an important month, as it is both an end and a beginning!!!!!!

Which happens much too soon for us to expect!!!!!!

Here we are, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!