Darlings, Let Me Tell You How To Fix "Spider Man!!!!!!!!!"

OK, girls, let's get cracking. With Julie Taymor finally out, and the producers determined to beat this already dead horse known as "Spider Man:Turn Off The Dark," it is time to seriously consider how to fix this show. And I believe it CAN be fixed, but neither Julie nor anyone on the NEW Creative Team will consider the following options. If they did, they might have a hit on their hands!!!!!!!!!!

1. BRING THE HOMORSEXUALS BACK TO BROADWAY!!!!!!!!
Get those goddamn tourists, Metro, Hetero and Retro sexuals out
of OUR theater. The theater belongs to homosexuals, and it is
up to us to reclaim it. Why, if not for us, darlings, there would
have been no taste on Broadway. Think of all those countless
nellies who wept themselves silly into designer hankies over the
original production of "Carousel" in 1945!!!!!!! And how about
those butch types, trembling with extasy, in sync with the
chandeliers in the Lunt-Fontanne, when Patricia Neway, as the
Mother Abbess, hit that final note to "Climb Ev'ry Mountain," at
the Act One finale of "The Sound Of Music?" Or the countless
hundreds of daring lads who prostelytized themselves on their knees
each night when Ethel Merman finished "Rose's Turn" in "Gypsy?"
Of course these were great performers and great shows. But the
reason they were great was that their creators KNEW the audience
they were writing for--those designators of taste, that homosexual
elite, the New York Theater Queen. Until musicals go back to being
written for US, darlings, I see more train wrecks ahead.

2. CAST LIZA MINELLI IN THE TITLE ROLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's right, sweetheart!!!!!!!! The theater has long had a history
of crossing gender boundaries--look at "Peter Pan!!!!" It is time
to do the same with "Spider Man" and who better to initiate it here
than the singing Fag Hag of our day, Miss Liza Mineelli. You thought
there was suspense if Spider Man jnjured himself. Think of it alone,
just trying to hoist Liza off the ground!!!!!!!!!!!

3. COSTUMES BY BOB MACKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Need I say more??????????

4. A GAY THEATER COMPOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hello??????? This should be a no-brainer!!!!!! They are out there,
darlings, whether they are out of the closet or not. And, no, I am
not going to campaign for Sondheim. How about Stephen Schwartz?????

5. BRING BACK TOMMY TUNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Talk about homosexuality!!!!!!!!! Honey, with the exceptions of Wayne
Cilento and Baayork Lee, who trained with the Queen of Dance, Michael
Bennett, a straight dancer or choreographer should not touch THIS show.
Liza needs to execute some airborne Donna McKechnie type moves, and
don't we want to see THAT????????? Box office records would break.

6. ANDREA MARTIN AS AUNT MAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Gay Favorite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. NO MATTER WHAT SONGS THE COMPOSER WRITES, AT THE ELEVEN O'CLOCK
SPOT, KEEP LIZA AIRBORNE, AND HAVE HER SING "MAYBE THIS TIME"!!!!!!!!
Again, a no brainer!!!!!!!! Get those homo hankies dripping!!!!!!!!!
Make them wring their hands in nostalgic supplication!!!!!!!!!
A thearical orgasm!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. CAST THE MALE CHORUS FROM EVERY TORUING COMPANY OF "NAKED BOYS
SINGING!!!!!!!!!"
Enough with these toned gym rats; let them work for Titan Media
films!!!!!!! We need graceful, lithe figures for the Musical
Stage, boys who know their chassie and Cassie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MOUNT A TV AD CAMPAIGN FEATURING BETTY WHITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Betty has been iconic ever since "The Golden Girls." Now
she is doing the act herself. If anyone can sell tkts to this
fag fest, it will be Betty!!!!!!!! NOT Martha Stewart!!!!!!!

10. MAKE SURE LAINIE KAZAN IS THE UNDERSTUDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Because, darlings, like she did 47 years before, Lainie will wow
them!!!!!!!! And what a challenge--if you thought airborning Liza
was a feat, Lainie would offer a greater challenge which people
would come just to see!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am telling you, loves, if they followed these tenets, they would have
a TONY winner on their hands!!!!!!!!!! Let's see how well they listen!!!!!!!!!
Meantime, I do not plan on seeing this unless I get a free tkt. If I want
to see something ridiculous, there is still Charlie Sheen for free!!!!!!!!!

HOMOSEXUAL BROADWAY EMPOWERMENT!!!!!!!!!! RIGHT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!