Darlings, There Is Nothing "Funny" About This Uncle!!!!

Yesterday, thanks to Monsieur being a true New Year's baby, we were treated magnanimously to lunch by that wild one of a relation, Monsieur's Uncle Ernest!!!!
Now, Uncle Ernest, soon to be 81, is quite a character, and I have always found him amusing. I have always tired to be compassionate regarding him, because he is what I call a "wounded bird;" he longs for the things most of us long for--and is not bad at all--but is just too arrested in a socially developmental way to get what he seems to want most. I hasten to add he is not at all what today is called "neurologically impaired." He just raises the bar higher on plain, old "eccentric."

Anyway, the three of us were noshing yesterday afternoon at the Second Avenue Deli. Monsieur and Uncle E had huge Corned Beef sandwiches, while I opted for the Soup and Half Sandwich combo--Matzoh Ball and a Half Roast Turkey sandwich. Between this, cole slaw, pickles and soda, this was plenty for me.

Given the infrequent gift of a Captive Audience, Uncle Ernest went on to chat at length. It wasn't the fact that he chatted that was troubling; it was what he chatted about.

It seems Uncle Ernest is the Toast Of Cyberspace, on a site called "Answerology," on which posters may ask and answer questions. The topics, if I understand this right, can range from anything, but with Uncle Ernest, it boils down to one thing--how shall I say it--Human Sexuality!!!!!

"My Uncle is a sex fiend!" Monsieur gasped, hanging his head in shame, as we walked back to the subway. As for yours truly--and this seldom happens--the Raving Queen was reduced to incredulity.

Uncle Ernest goes on this forum by the screen name "Size 008." Just to make sure we got his drift he winked at us!!!!! That's right! Winked!!! I wanted to crawl under the table, darlings!!!!! Too bad espionage was not my genre, because what Bond spoofs I could write, using this moniker as a character. But I am no Ian Fleming, girls!!!!

How much worse can it get???? While maintaining his gentility online--so he says--but using what he calls "scientific" terms, we go on to find references to "cucumbers," and the most telling of questions--"Ladies, where do you get more pleasure, your clit or G-spot????"

Excuse me?????? How is "ladies" being genteel in the face of what comes after?????

But that is Uncle Ernest!!!!!!!

My poor Monsieur!!!! What did he do, to deserve this???? But not to worry; I told him, as long as such acting out does not go beyond cyber, then no harm is done!!!! If, however, Uncle Ernest takes his act into the Real World, then, honey, we could all end up on 'SVU'. In which case, I will give you an air date!!!!!!

Like I said, just two days, and we have had this much excitement already!!!!
The year is shaping up, faster than I thought!!!!!!

Beware of wounded birds, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, This Fashion Tip Is Long Overdue!!!!!!

Darlings, with the Holidays winding down, people returning to work, school or whatever is their routine, and Winter setting in for a long haul, it is time to consider the following, since this weather can take a toll on one' skin. And especially one's complexion. I cannot believe I have not instructed my girls sooner, but will remedy that forthwith!!!!

I am talking, loves, about the Jennifer Jones Beauty Regimen!!!!

Except for when she was covered in face paint in order to play Pearl Chavez in "Duel In The Sun" few Hollywood actresses had more luminous complexions than Jennifer Jones. And it was not due to the wizardry of the make-up artist or cinematographer. It was something the actress would do herself.

Boil rose petals.

Here is what you do--when those gift roses you sometimes get first lose their luster, do not toss them!!!! Instead, peel them off, toss the stems,and soak them (the petals, I mean, girls!!!) in boiling water. Then, remove each petal from the water, place them on your face and cover yourself with a towel--and voila!!!--you can feel you look as beautiful as Jennifer Jones!!!!

Honey, I have been doing this for years!!! It may not net me an Academy Award, but it has kept my own Professional Age at 24!!!!!

Not everyone can look like Jennifer Jones, but there is no reason not to look your best!!!!

So remember-NEVER discard those faded rose petals!!!!!

Darlings, you can even dye your eyes to match your gown!!!!!!!!!

While Musing On 50, Let's Not Forget 25!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talk about things making one feel old!!!! After posting my list of film classics reaching the half century mark this year, I recalled two Very Important Films--especially at the time--that reach 25 in 2012. And I saw both when they first came out, and remember them vividly!!!!!

I am talking, darlings, about "Moonstruck" and "Fatal Attraction"!!!!!!

Two romantic contrasts in the same year!!!! I cannot believe 25 years has passed since 1987; it seems like Yesterday.

Back then, I was living in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn, in a fairly Italian neighborhood, so the first time (I saw both films many times!!!) I saw "Moonstruck" at the still standing Alpine Theatre, I not only dragged my friends Doug and Harold to it the following week, I bought the "La Boheme" poster featured in the film, had it on the foyer wall of my Brooklyn apartment, for years. How I wished I had it still, but I have Monsieur now, instead, and THAT is infinitely better!!!!!

"Moonstruck" enchanted, with its visual details. The poster of glam Cher, against the moon, the city in the background; the romantic ambiance of the Grand Ticino Restaurant in the film; the cooking of Italian eggs by Olympia Dukakais, mealtimes at the Castorinis, not to mention the cast--Danny Aiello, Vincent Gardenia, Olympia Dukakis, Julie Bovasso, Anita Gillette, Feodor Chalipan, Louis Guss as Uncle Raymond...even the Old Woman Who Curses Her Sister On The Plane!!!! Honey, I have seen it all, and this film caught it superbly!!!! It made New York the City Of Romance I had always longed for, and, in those early months of the film's release, felt I was in. The film still holds up beautifully, even though so many of its talented cast have gone to their Reward!!!!!!!

So, sometime this year, girls, indulge in a viewing of "Moonstruck!" Capped off a by a plateful of Spaghetti and Meatballs, and a glass of Montepulciano!!!!!!!

Now, for "Fatal Attraction!"

Oh, boy--when this one first came out, it did not catch on right away, because astute critics compared it to Clint Eastwood's earlier, similarly plotted 1970 thriller, "Play Misty For Me," featuring Jessica Walter's memorable turn as Date from Hell Evelyn Draper!!!!!! But that film was all flash (ie; violence) and no substance, and once the feminists started weighing in on the sociological (and AIDS oriented) underpinnings at the heart of "Fatal Attraction" (not to mention earlier comparisons to things like "Looking For Mr. Goodbar"), the film was taken seriously--and still is--in a way such genre film are not, even with the campinesss of the Bunny Boiling, and Glenn's Close's now classic retort, "I'm not going to be IGNORED!"

I can still recall the first time I saw this, back in 1987, at the now gone Paramount Theatre, just down the street from Lincoln Center, where I work!!!!! I remember that, up to a point, I actually had some sympathy for Alex--that moment of her flicking the light switch on and off, with the "Madame Butterfly" tickets at the side, is to me still the most painful depiction of loneliness and psychosis caught on film--which ended, I think, not so much with what she did to the car, which was borderline, but when she went in and boiled that poor child's (who was innocent of everything!!!!) pet!!!!! Screw you, bitch!!!!! And I can still recall at the very end, during that climactic scene in the bathroom, being SO scared, NOT because of the film, but the AUDIENCE, who were reduced to a bloodlust mob, some standing in their seats, all crying in unison, "Kill The Bitch!" Girls, I was truly frightened for my safety!!!!!

Ironic too, that not only will this be the film Glenn Close is remembered for, but to think that it was while playing a certified psycho, that she truly looked her best!!!!!!!

What a memory to have 25 years later, which says something for the power of the film. And it is STILL watchable, though with all the plot holes--from why lust after Glenn Close, when Ann Archer at the time was more luscious looking? or how, no matter how you end it, Michael Douglas' character, Dan Gallagher, gets off Scott free, which bothers me still--when you look at it closely, it falls apart, like a House of Cards!!!!! But 25 years later, it remains a stylish House Of Cards, nevertheless!!!!!!

Let's see...how to commemorate this film???? No le lapin, for me, loves!!!! Stick to the Spaghetti and Meat Sauce, which Alex cooks for Dan, pop in the film, and listen to "Mamdame Butterfly"!!!!! And I mean Puccini, not "Miss Saigon!"

To think, it is now 25 years since "Fatal Attraction." And still the film will not be ignored!!!!

Now, if only I could wear that little, white teddy Alex wears!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, Here Is The Story I Promised!!!!!!!

When I first read the book, "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo," darlings, I could not put it down; especially once I discovered it was a serial killer story, which, knowing nothing of the story at the time, I had not expected. Then I saw the Swedish film version in 2009, which blew me away!!!!! So, when I heard that Hollywood was going to do its own movie version thereof, I said "Oh, shit!" But, once I found it was to be directed by David Fincher ("SeVen", "Zodiac") I got interested, because I know David knows his serial killers, and, darlings, I have always wanted to work with him.

As soon as I finished the book, and heard the news of a Hollywood film version, there was no question in MY mind as to who should play Lisbeth Salander--Ellen Page!!!!, a great actress, who would have done a kickass job!!!! Then I remembered that Ellen had sort of "been there, done that" with her role in "Hard Candy," so I surmised she would not be interested in this, and others would be considered.

With Lisbeth Salander being such a star making role, David Fincher directing, and a serial killer story to boot, I thought, "I should go up for this!"

But, sweeties, I am telling you, MY agents don't do Jack!!!! I have to do everything myself!!!! So, I got on the phone to David Fincher.

"Dave, baby," I said from Bergdorf's, while sipping a Bellini, "Good to talk to ya, love your work!!!! I want to read for Lisbeth!!!!

I could just picture his eyes rolling, but I can be persuasive, darlings, so, finally, he said he would come to New York, and give me a read!!!! For me, it was a no brainer!!!! A girl who sodomizes her rapist, with a dildo????? No Problem!!!!!!!

Well, of course, Fincher loved my reading!!!! But, when I made it clear I wanted to play Lisbeth on MY terms, which meant no tattoos or piercings; I wanted to go all glam, like in the airport scene near the end, where I get to do my Anna Wintour thing, Dave said no; while I DID ace the glam scenes, the rest would have to be played as written!!!!!

"Listen," I told him!!!! "Do you think Meryl Streep does piercings???? Or Amy Adams????" But he wouldn't listen, and I could see negotiations were falling through!!!! I was desperate to be a part of this project!!!!! So I had to act fast!!!!!

I offered to read for Mikael Blomkvist!!!! Again, the reading went fine, but when I had to show my pecs, I knew I could not hold a candle to Daniel Craig!!!!!!
I mean, some wag there told me I needed the Jane Russell 18 Hour Bra!!!! Bitch!!!!!!
What was i to do?????

So I opted for the role of Martin Vanger!!!!! An evil serial killer???? Piece of cake!!!!! But Dave said I looked too innocent!!!!! Honey, when playing a serial killer, there is no such thing as looking TOO innocent, because that is how most serial killers do appear, in order to pull the wool over everyone's eyes!!!!! And, judging from Stellan Skarsgard's performance, I guess Fincher wanted a drooling, glaring maniac, staring straight into the camera!!!! Not the way I do it, darlings!!!!!

I even offered to do the smaller role of evil Gottfried!!!! But when Dave saw me in the SS getup, he said I looked like I should be in the "Springtime For Hitler" number from "The Producers!" It was humiliating!!!!! I even offered to do the role of Bitch Matriarch Isabelle Vanger; all I had to do was sit, look glamorous, and glare at the camera!!!! But kiss ass Dave gave me that old line about how it would be beneath my talents and resources!!!! Yeah, sure, baby, but I just wanted in on the property!!!!!

So, girls, that is the story of how I was turned down for "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo"!!!!! And guess who is having the last laugh!!!! None other than me!!!!! Bad reviews, poor box office, a script that takes all the juice out of the story, a film of interminable length--Dave, baby, you should have listened to ME!!!!!!

Like Neely says in "Valley Of The Dolls," "I know it's a rotten business...but I LOVE it!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday, Darlings!!!!!

Yesterday, girls, as reported on here, was Monsieur's birthday, and what a day we had!!!! And we still have one ahead of us, what with being treated to a special birthday luncheon by none other than that wild and crazy, Uncle Ernest!!!!!

But getting back to a day ago, we hit the road, wishing everyone a Happy New Year,starting out at Bed, Bath and Beyond, where we had to buy carbon monoxide detectors, as both went out in our respective apartments, at the same time!!!! Now, THAT is true love, girls!!!!!! Then, we made our way uptown to MACY's, where we had to buy suspenders for me. As age and waistlines expand, some men have to adopt a more distinguish appearance in order to have their pants held up!!! Only, don't you dare mistake me for Philip Seymour Hoffman, Titus Mooney, the Pepperidge Farm man, or Sam Breakstone, with his cottage cheese and dog!!! Remember, I am still a Disciple Of Anna, darlings!!!!!! We also bought a new land line phone for my place, because the one I had was on the fritz; the answering machine made messages incomprehensible, and the same was beginning to happen in the receiver. And this, after only one year!!!! So, this time, we bought a Panasonic, which sounds crystal clear, and even comes with TWO phones, so that, while in the living room, if the phone should ring, I can take my calls there, without a by your leave!!!!!

But, what a time we had trying to get the message onto the machine!!!! Quelle Hysterique!!!! It was my creative idea to have the message begin, with the introductory music, then Shelley Plimpton singing a line of "Frank Mills" from "HAIR." On the start of the second line, I was supposed to talk, asking to please leave a message!!!!!

Well, it was like when Vincette Minnelli did the first scene of "Meet Me In St. Louis," with Judy Garland. They had to do 25 takes!!! Judy was in hysterics!!!! Honey, we did not take nearly that many takes, but I carried on the Judy Tradition, with hysteria!!!!! Fortunately, Monsieur was as patient as Vincentte. And prettier, even if he is not a painter!!!!!

Added to which, I had made reservations for a Birthday Dinner at what Monsieur says is his favorite restaurant--Dell'Anima, not far from Monsieur, on Eighth Avenue in the West Village, right next to Lilac Chocolates!!!!! Our reservation was for five, and we were still en route, as the clock struck such!!! We got there at five fifteen, and, fortunately, our table was kept.

Darlings, the decor is jet black, so much so, it veers away from Romance and more to Goth!!! Even the staff dressed in black. We were seated at a beautiful table, near an open air kitchen, where you could sort of see the chefs plying their trade. The light spill from there gave some color to the place.

We started out with sparkling water, and I had a glass of wine, which I managed to nurse through my entire meal!!!! We were given the traditional bread and olive oil, which must have been Extra Virgin (just like ME, darlings!!!!) because Monsieur especially commented on the flavor!!!!! For our first course, Monsieur had an Endive Salad, which I might have had, being fond of endive, but this had anchovies with it, and, lambs, I do not touch that!!!! So I was content with an Arugula Salad with dressing and sliced Parmesan cheese!!!! Fabulous!!!!!! Both of us had the Tagliatelle Bolognese as the main course!!! I was surprised by the smallness of the dish, but not to worry; it was SO rich, I felt stuffed afterwards!!!! And we still had desert!!!! Monsieur had Vanilla Ice cream, With Espresso poured over (yum!) while I had the Chocolate Bread Pudding In Whiskey Sauce, With Egg-Nog Gelato!!!! Darling, it was heavenly!!!! But I am telling you, my stomach is still reeling from all that rich food, which shows as we get older we cannot eat the way we used to. I mean, last night, 'SVU' ran one of my favorite episodes, "Behave," with Jennifer Love Hewitt, and I fell asleep! I wasn't even awake to hear Olivia deliver the classic line, "Now, you're MY bitch!" Quelle domage!!!!!!!

But it was a triumphant birthday for Monsieur, who got lovely cards, a book from yours truly, dinner at his favorite restaurant (which, good as it is, I would not go out of my way for!!!), and even the Special Gift of me doing my Yvettte Vickers Playboy pose!!!!! Not for the eyes of children, OR adults, darlings!!!!!!

So, we are on our way!!!! Today, we have Uncle Ernest, tomorrow I return to work, after a two week reprieve, which should be a barrel of laughs!!!!!!!

And this is ONLY the second day! Yes, girls, the Raving Queen is back in the reins again!!!!!!!!

Girls, Come And Get Your Happiness!!!!!!!!

"Among the wildwood of your happy childhood,
When you were Jills and Jack.
In raggy britches, there's a lot of riches,
On which you don't pay any income tax!"
--"Come And Get Your Happiness",
From "Rebecca Of Sunnybrook Farm" (1938)

Darlings, shows how long it has been since sitting through a Shirley Temple film; I thought this was from "Little Miss Broadway." At least I had the year right--1938!!!!!

I have always loved the verse of this song, especially the last line about not paying income tax, because the New Year always reminds me we have to go through that annual crap again!!!! Like, what does it get ME???? Except keeping people off my back!!!!!

From the song above, even Shirley, at 10, was disgusted with the tax system!!!! And think how much money she was making--more than any prepubescent of her day!!!!!!
I should have such an income!!! Oh, well, I can dream ahead for the year, can't I?????

But this post is less about me railing against the IRS and more about making sure you all get your share of happiness coming to in this forthcoming year of 2012!!!!!!

And not worry--I promise I will soon tell the 'Dragon Tattoo' story!!!!!!!

Darlings, Baby New Year's Here To Stay!!!!!

Well, girls, I survived to 2012. Happy New Year to one and all!!! A whole new chapter before us, and let's hope it is an exciting--in a good way--one!!!!

Did you see Times Square last night???? The first thing I want to say is there is no truth to the rumor that I am Lady Gaga!!!!! I do like Versace, and should wire Donatella for some items, but if you think I would go to the top of a building--or anywhere--with fish faced Mike Bloomberg--you have got to be kidding!!!! Lady Gaga is a graduate of the Convent Of The Sacred Heart, where I should have gone, but at least we are both good girls, loves!!!!!

Some things to watch out for in 2012!!!!!

Certain film classics turn 50--

1."To Kill A Mockingbird"
2. "What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?"
3."The Miracle Worker"
4. "The Music Man"
5."Lawrence Of Arabia"
6."Sweet Bird Of Youth"
7."Days Of Wine And Roses"
8."The Manchurian Candidate"

And--

Girls, you will not believe it, especially as I was there at the time, but this year--
"The Other" turns 40!!!!!!

Besides all this, I look forward to all the forthcoming books, movies, and theater ahead. Plus two mammoth projects--Finding A Place For Both Monsieur and Moi, and My Book!!!!!!

So 2012 is shaping up already. The chapter has yet to be written, but it has begun!!! Wishing you all a safe journey,and that you join me, along the way!!!!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!