Girls, Wasn't This The Most Delicious Thing At The Oscars?????????

Darlings, let me tell you, by the time you reach my age and/or range of show biz experience, watching the Academy Awards can become so jaded an event that who cares about the movies???? There were absolutely no surprises in the major categories, no controversy, save for that "Inside Job" guy who blasted corporate execs--and good for him!!!!!!!!--nothing like the days of men streaking nude onstage, or faux Indian Princesses walking on to denounce Oscar on behalf of others.

As Mary Hopkin said, Those Were The Days!!!!!!!!!

So it was a breath of fresh air, when the curtains parted, and out stepped Mr. Jake Gyllenhaal, and Miss Amy Adams, who showed everyone at once what true beauty is. Charm and graciousness itself, their presentations were the best of the evening. And didn't Jake, girls, look like a big, hot fudge sundae, you just wanted to lick???? I know I did--Mmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!! Miss Amy looked radiant as always, and her blue sequined gown set off that celebrated skin and hair superbly. Honey, if I could look this good in the morning, I could quit my day job!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, Mr. Colin Furth looked pretty luscious himself in his tux, and weren't we happy for him being recognized at last for both the fine (and fine looking ) actor he has always been. And James Franco was looking pretty cute up there, himself; so much so I am thinking of breaking down my defenses and actually sitting through "127 Hours," which hopefully is not as excruciating as it sounds.

But, lambs, once upon a time the Academy Awards were about movies. Now it is about ogling those who stir us with their beauty and glamour. Maybe they stood out, because there was such a lack of it-- I mean, all that frou frou stuff, what were they thinking???? Leftovers from an MGM costume auction?????? I have better stuff than that hanging in my closet right now!!!!!!!!!!

Closet or not, these presenters mentioned all looked pretty fine!!!!!!! Now let's see Amy win an Oscar, rather than present one!!!!!!!!!!

Her time is coming, darlings!!!!!!!!!! Just ask Meryl!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, We Have To See THIS If It Comes To Broadway!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, let me tell you, if you think I am talking about "Spider Man--Turn Off The Dark," you do not know me!!!!!! It is high time to turn the lights out on THAT show, which already has had a longer preview period than some shows run. And now I hear it is going to delay its opening till June. What about TONY Awards, Julie? Honestly, I do not know why Julie Taymor won't throw in the towel on this clunker, but then between the size of her ego and the amount of money she and investors are pouring into it, they are not going to let this shark kill them, until they are good and ready to die at its hands. Which they very well might. I am telling you right now, loves--at this point, Miss Taymor's career is pretty much dead!!!!!!

But I could care less about 'Spider Man', loves. What got my theatrical juices flowing was Ben Brantley's assertion the other day that the London production now running of Lillian Hellman's "The Children's Hour," starring Keira Knightley and Rebecca Hall, is Broadway bound.

Sweeties, I have been saying for years that this is long overdue for a revival. There really has not been one since 1952, which predates even yours truly. But more important, despite Mr. Brantley calling it dated, I am not so sure he is right; there are plenty of small communities throughout the U.S. (just in New Jersey, alone, dolls, which, believe ME, I know!!!!!) where its scenario could very well happen.

I can never forget my introduction to "The Children's Hour," which was back in the late Sixties, when it seemed Channel 9, with nothing better to show, would haul out the 1961 version, with Audrey Hepburn and Shirley Maclaine and run it over and over. Or so it seemed. I still recall the capsule summary in TV Guide-"Two young women, running a private school for girls, fall victim to the malicious lies of one of their pupils." Big deal, I always thought. By the time I was on the throes of puberty, I knew enough to know what homosexuality meant, so when I came across a review of it in Steven Scheuer's "TV Movie Guide" that mentioned the word "lesbianism," I was, like "Oh, boy!" Did I expect to see lesbian sex???? Did I even care????? Even at that early point, not really!!!!!!! But, then, at that point I was not interested in watching two men!!!!!!!! Boy, did THAT change!!!!!!!!!!

One day, my parents and I were over at my friend Marc's house in South Plainfield, New Jersey (our parents had been friends prior to our respective births), and, turning on the TV, came in on the movie on--where else???--Channel 9. Marc was not theatrically bent, but, honey, you better believe I was!!!!!! I had just come in on the scene where Mary is being questioned by her grandmother, the teachers are there, as is Rosalie (played memorably by Veronica Cartwright). Suddenly, after much dialogue, Veronica Cartwright stands up and screams with a hysteria SO genuine I actually thought she was in peril. Which, back then, to my naive outlook was brilliant acting. Actually, it turned out it was, because, as I went on to discover, it was on the basis of this moment and role that Miss Cartwright was able to carve out a forty plus year career for herself, long after her better known sibling, Angela (who was in "The Sound of Music," lest we forget!!!)) had hung her show biz past out to dry!!!!!!!!!

I remember we had to leave shortly after it broke for a commercial, but I was hooked--I HAD to see this film in its entirety the next time it was on. Eventually, the time came, and, of course, I found it very impressive. Being about the same age as the school girls at the time, I was intrigued by the notion of a child being able to bring an entire school down by simply telling a lie. Now, while I was brilliant, darlings, I was not exactly in love with school, being a victim of bullying and discrimination myself. So I was thrilled with the idea of bringing my school down, but, of course, I never did, because, unlike Mary, I never found a way in sync with the times enough to do it. Let me say from the broader perspective of adult knowledge--Over time, "The Children's Hour" has come to be referred to as "the lesbian play." Which on one level it is, so it is always included in almost every gat play anthology out there. However, if you read enough about Lillian Hellman, she maintains the play is not about lesbianism; it is about a lie. The proof of her theory lies in Samuel Goldwyn, with William Wyler directing, making an often better film version of the play in 1936, this time entitled "These Three," and substituting heterosexual adultery for homosexual. The emphasis here was not on orientation, but the lie, and that was proven by the time and exposure Wyler gave to Bonita Granville, whose Mary is the definitive thing. Karen Ballkin in the '61 film you could blow over with a feather!!!!! And Bonita, at the tender age of 12, darlings, got herself an Oscar nomination for this role, in the then brand new category called Best Supporting Actress. Just like I would have, girls!!!!!!!!!

Actually, girls, I have played this show alot. I trained for acting with it, which may explain something right there about my career. My friencd, Doug, and I, used to act it out all the time, with me usually as Mary, and him as Rosalie. But he was REALLY great at doing Mrs. Mortar!!!!! I think he modeled his performance from two sources--Miriam Hopkins in the 1961 version, and Nana!!!!! Sometimes he would play Shirley Maclaine to my Audrey Hepburn, though I confess I never had more fun than when playing Mary. I got to act as hateful as some of the kids in school were to me.

One day, we decided to take it live!!!!!! Oh, my God, girls, let me tell you!!!!!!! Switching roles (with me as Rosalie, and Doug as Mary, because I knew I had the greater acting chops for hysteria) we performed the questioning scene that ends Act Two, with my Mother watching!!!!!! As soon as I threw myself onto the couch sobbing, "I said it! I said it!" not willing yet to let go of the hysteria, my poor Mother had had enough. Honey, she ran into the kitchen, dialed my father at work, and said "You've got to come home!!!! I don't know what's going on!!!!!! He's trying to be Bonita Granville, or something!!!!!!!!" I don't think my father knew what to do either.

Several years back, in my Gay and Lesbian Reading Group, we read the Hellman play, and, to enhance the evening, I directed several key scenes from it. Those two young lambs, Adam and Joel, played the two teachers; Joel played the overwrought repressed lesbian to a tee, while Adam was quietly supportive. I, of course, played Mary, and darlings, I played it for all it was worth. I am telling you, people were actually chilled by my performance!!!!!!!!!!

So you can understand, loves, how excited I am that this play is finally coming to Broadway, so maybe I will have a chance to see it. I am sure Knightley and Hall will travel with it, but what about the rest of the cast???? Is the role of Mary up for grabs??? Because I want it!!!!!! It is MY part, and no one plays an evil child better than moi, darlings!!!!!!! I have so much to draw upon!!!!!!!! If I marched in there, and read Mary for the producers, they would not know what to, except cast me!!!!! I don't think they could deal with anything else, after this!!!!!!!!!

But deal with this, dolls--whehter I am onstage or off, I will support this play, which has been part of my life for such a long time!!!!!!! You bet this will hold up, after all these years. Need I mantion the McMartin Preschool Incident from the 1980s. That was "The Children's Hour" and "The Crucilbe" rolled into one. Witch hunts do not disppear with time, dolls; they just evolve differently!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just make sure you are the wickedest Witch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, How I Long For The Days Of "Flower Drum Song!!!!!"

Darlings, after reading this, maybe you will understand why I find B.D. Wong so cute in his little business suits on 'SVU.' Let me tell you something, honey, Pearl S. Buck never dreamt up anything THIS fetching.

But I am getting ahead of myself. This has been a whirlwind weekend, starting Friday evening, when a group of us--Audrey, Marina (with the stunning hair), Peter (with the stunning intellect, but not quite as much hair), Monsieur and myself, gathered at the Harvey Theatre at BAM, where we saw Oscar nominee Geoffrey Rush in "Diary Of A Madman." But before discussing that, let me tell you, Audrey found a babysitter for Ruby (though my guess is, it is really Ruby who is doing the babysitting), and you would not believe how gorgeous Audrey looks!!!! I mean, the glistening skin tones and hair!!!!! You would never guess she had had a baby six months ago!!!! Honey, if I thought this would work for me, I would have a baby, too!!!! But, then, I have Monsieur, and yes, loves, I am post menopaual!!!!!!!

Poor Monsieur!!!!! He had a rough time!!!!! Not just listening to this queen's opinions, which he is used to, let me tell you, but our seats for this show turned out to be extremely high, in an extremely steep theater, and I had no idea he was this affected by heights. Plus--can you believe this, girls????--we sat in some faux barber or bar chairs, with back and foot supports, because they were so high up, our feet would dangle otherwise. It is a good thing the show was so extraordinary, with Geoffrey Rush doing a truly virtuoso turn!!!! And BAM was the perfect place for it; if 'Spider Man' can't fly on Broadway, how could this be expected to??????

No wonder Monsieur scarfed down his Something Different (which certainly was!!!!) at Junior's, where I felt in a Fifties time warp, where gangsters were going to come in and shoot us!!!!! Which they didn't. My deli sandwich was fine, but, honey, I have had better. The Golden Girls would have loved the Cheesecake, though!!!!!!!

A good time was had by all!!!! But, darlings, I was exhausted!!!!!

The following evening found Monsieur and I at Mandarin Court in Chinatown, with the most dazzling social array--tall, stately Herb, with the most gorgeous green coat, Bruce, the political legend, Alvin, that character, and Glenn, who is quite a talker, like me, darlings, and looked pretty dashing last night; maybe he was in search of some rice cakes, though I don't see him as a Rice Queen!!!!! But, who knows????? Oh, and Don, who, as usual, leered at me the whole evening!!!!!!!

Honey, we ALL should have leered at the service, which was terrible, stuck, as we were, in our little corner hideaway, with these faux "Flower Drum Song" decorations!!!!! At least during THAT era, they knew how to serve in Chinatown!!!! Where is B.D.Wong when you need him???? He would have given us good service, and I am sure Glenn would have loved HIS rice pattie.

I could hardly eat a thing, because Monsieur and I had an enormous lunch at the hot new spot in my Woodside neighborhood, which I will tell my girls about, soon!!!!!! But what a weekend it has been!!!! No wonder I have to rest!!!!!!!

And we all wonder where Glenn mysteriously disappeared to, afterwards, and whether he is still with us!!!!!!!!

Get with it, Girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday, Darlings To A Legend!!!!! Can You Believe It!!!!!!

Girls, it isn't often you get two pictures, but today I just cannot help it. Today happens to be the birthday of Shelley Plimpton, who turns the apocryphal age of 64 (celebrated in song by Lennon and McCartney), and who is looking damn good!!!!!

Now, I am certain that most of MY girls know, but for some who may just happen onto here, I have to answer--who is Shelley Plimpton??????

Well, most certainly she is most identifiable NOW as the Mother of actress Martha Plimpton, whom all us New York theater queens LOVE, and who can now be seen nationally having the time of her life, and raking in the dough, as White Trash housewife, Virginia, on the sitcom, "Raising Hope." We just LOVE Martha!!!!!!!

But there would be NO Martha, if not for Shelley!!!! And not just literally. For Shelley created a name for herself way back when, in the late Sixties, when she originated the role of Crissy in the musical "HAIR," and sang the classic song (and my favorite) "Frank Mills!!!!"

That is right, darlings. To those of us of a Certain Age, Shelley will forever be identified as "the-girl-who-sang-'Frank-Mills'-in 'Hair'". And she inspired me, as far back as those distant days of 1978, to stand in front of the Waverly Theater each evening on September 12th, often accompanied by my friend, Angela, to sing "Frank Mills" myself. Darlings, next to Shelley, I have done the most to promote this song, and let me tell you, when I do it, I manage to attain a quality of virginal innocence that I do not have any other time, I can tell you!!!!!

I still recall the year I was doing it, and in the middle of it, this homeless wino looked at me, looked at his bottle, tossed it, and ran!!!! I like to think I reformed an alkie; today, he is probably a Wall Street exec!!!!!!!

The only year I missed doing it, was in 2,001, and I am sure all MY girls can guess why!!!!!! But in Shelley's honor, I will be doing this for as long as I am able!!!!!

As my friend Angela and I have maintained, we have no doubt by now that Shelley knows about it!!!! How I would love to do it for her!!!!! Who knows; perhaps some day!!!!!!!


So, happy birthday, Shelley Plimpton, and many more!!!!! You are a true inspiration!!!!!!!!!

Girls, This Talent Has Gone Down The Drain!!!!!!!

Darlings, speaking of books, I read one recently. Not that that is news, because generally I read so much I just cannot report on everything. But something peaked my writer inspiration enough to recount. This is Myla Goldberg's latest, "The False Friend."

Now, who is Myla Goldberg, you might say????? Sounds like a nice Jewish girl, living in Brooklyn??? Well, loves Myla IS a nice, Jewish girl, living in Brooklyn. And over a decade ago, darlings, when the Twin Towers still existed, she was THE literary darling of 2,000, for her stunning novel, "Bee Season," which I chose as one of the Books To Remember for that year, because it was just so brilliant, and seemed to signal the arrival of a new, major talent. A talent that disappointed with her second novel, "Wickett's Remedy," which not even I read, darlings!!!!! But now, with her third novel, "The False Friend," which I have read and will talk about here, the question must be asked---What has happened to Myla Goldberg?????

Talk about losing your way!!!! "The False Friend" is frustrating because it is filled with so many good things that should have propelled it forward. Instead, it comes to a halt, like a stalled car.

The central character, Celia Durst, was once a Suburban Princess, who, with her cronies, preyed upon a more vulnerable girl, named Leanne. One day, when they are ten, something happens--while walking in a forbidden wood, Celia's best friend and bitch crony, Djuana Pearson, vanishes into the woods.....and is never seen again. Memories of her getting into a stranger's brown car haunts the girls. So--we have a gaggle of girl bitches, a bullied girl, and a childhood abduction. This should be fantastic, right?????? But Goldberg does nothing with it.

We meet Celia as a thirty something adult, having PTSD memory flashes of her being responsible for Djuana's disappearance. Allegedly, she saw the child fall into a hole in the woods, and, being they had just had a childish fight, left her there, telling nobody. Hence, no Djuana. As an adult, Celia is haunted, and tries to resolve and clear herself of this guilt, by going to her hometown of Jensenville, and talking to key figures from her past. Again, an interesting premise. But nothing is done with it.

The first question asked is--who is/was The False Friend of the title???? By the time I finished the book, I still did not know!!!! Do we ever concretely find out about Djuana????? No!!!!!! Goldberg seems to want the reader to form their own conclusions, but then the very last page begs differently. I closed the book in exasperation???? "What the hell are you up to, Myla???" I don;t think she knows.

Added to this, except for her ex-junkie brother Jeremy, Celia and her parents come off as so bland. Like mayonaise on white bread. Goldberg wants us SO MUCH to sympathize with Celia, but let me tell you something, girls--when you get to Chapter 20, where Celia confronts Leanne's brother (because Leanne, though an adult, will not even see her) all sympathy goes out the door. I hated Celia from that point on!!!! Too bad she wasn't kidnapped!!!!!!

Another question that must be asked--if you accept the abduction of Djuana, how could a girl who, at ten, came off as so saavy, be lured into a car. Honey, I knew not to do this by the time I began kindergarten!!!!! This is an astute fifth grader????? What is wong here??????

And why are girls so vicious???? Believe me, from my personal experiences, I was hoping Goldberg would examine this question. The girls are still prepuibescent, so you cannot fault hormones this time. But Goldberg's failure to answer this question is in line with everything else about the book--it presents, but does not explain or examine.

It is fine if the author wants the reader to do some work of their own. But only if said author is willing to work with the reader. In the end, Myla comes off as much of a bitch as Celia--she throws out interesting tidbits, and then says, so to speak, "Here; you figure this out!!!!!"


Keep writing like this, Myla, darling, and you will not even be a blip on the literary radar!!!!!!!!!

Blip YOU, Myla!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, There Is No Doubt That I Am The Male Fran Leibowitz!!!!!!!!!

Girls, let me tell you, yesterday, Monsieur and I went to see "Public Speaking," the documentary on Fran, at the Film Forum, and while it was enormously entertaining, it asked more questions than it answered.

The first is, of all the filmmakers out there to do a documentary on her, why Martin Scorsese???? His stuff is very testosterone fueled, but then, come to think of it, Fran comes off with a healthy supply of it herself. We have known, for years darling, that she is just a big old lesbo, even if she doesn't beat her chest, clutching a well worn copy of "The Well Of Loneliness" by Radclyffe Hall. The second mystery to Fran is--how does she have a career???? I mean, she has basically written only two books, none of which were world beaters as sellers or literary works, (in fact she exploited herself by combining them and selling them together as "The Fran Leibowitz Reader"), she does speaking gigs and turns up at every social function in town, where she is wonderfully astute and witty. But so is The Raving Queen, darlings, so how come I cannot make money, like Fran, marketing myself as a Professional Bullshit Artist? After all, I am prettier than Fran--hell, it doesn't take much--I have more sophisticated taste, and darlings, I am a frequenter of the literary demi monde. Fran talks the talk about being an avid reader, but what has she actually read???? Liz Smith's column????? I mean, has she read Jonathan Franzen's "Freedom?" I bet not.

I would love to see my friend, Harvey, go one on one with Fran!!!!! Talk about two curmudgeons trying to outdo each other!!!!! Harvey would wipe the floor with Fran. Which, I think, is key to the answer about Fran--she is the adult embodiment of the schoolyard bully (she is from New Jersey, the bullying capital of the world!!!!)out on the playing field of Manhattan, saying, "Look at me, look what I can get away with!!!!"

Fran, honey, we love you, but how about a go round with The Raving Queen???? There is no reason why I should not have my portrait on a mural someplace!!!! And I don't mean the subway wall!!!!! My personal choice would be One If By Land, Two If By Sea, but I am not picky. If you want to put it in the Polish Tea Room (ie; the Edison Coffee Shop in the Theatre District) that is fine with me, too.

Darlings, I would bet you anything that if my literary compositions were stretched out end to end, it would be a bigger body of work than Fran Leibowitz!!!!!!
That is why it up to all of you, my girls, to support me. Send cash, if you want. But more importantly, tell others out there to read me, so my fan base can grow, and who knows, before long a documentary on ME would be made. And would I tell EVERYTHING, oh boy!!!!!!

Straight to Cannes, lambs!!!!! Hear that, Fran ??????

Girls, A Word Or Two About Cupcake Blockers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, let me explain. As you all know, the milk of human kindness just flows from my veins, which is why Thursday evenings finds me doing volunteer time at the LGBT Center Library, with the lovely Tynisha and our fresh, little (though intellectually brilliant) cupcake, named Mike. Poor Mike; he is just SO cute and crying out inwardly for someone to love him. We all do, but just not in that way he needs. So we are always on the lookout for him. And, with last night being such a slow night, potential was spotted.

This tall, shadowed, baseball cap guy, and his crony came in, and I could tell there was something sparking between he and Mike. This guy was easy on the eyes, anyway. Tynisha, with her wisdom, was trying to get the guy to turn over his library card, so Mike could "examine" it, thereby gleaning vitally important information, which would lead to his scoring some kind of assignation!!!!!!!!!!!

But this Cupcake Blocker, not to be confused with a Fudgepacker (and I know all MY girls know what THAT means) stood in the way, and forced the guy to put away his card. I wanted to bitch slap him silly. Or at least de-elasticize his undies!!!!!!! That would teach him a lesson. After all, the object was to get rid of this Cupcake Blocker so something could happen to Mike--maybe he would get fudgepacked, or the guy in the cap would. Frankly, I don't care who gets what, just as long as our sweet Mike gets some much needed action!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, he could be a super-hero!!!!!!!!! Forget Ryan Reynolds as "Green Lantern!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

It just goes to show--do not let a Cupcake Blocker (named for Mike's culinary speciality) ruin your opportunity. I think we should have a sign, pointing first at Mike, so those who want him can SEE him, and then a separate line for these Cupcake Blockers, who can carry on with their silliness, without getting in anyone's romantic way!!!!!!

These unfortunates need to watch reruns of "Love, American Style!" Especially the ones with Arte Johnson and Ruth Buzzi!!!!!!!!

Will Mike be an old maid?????? Not if Tynisha or I can help it!!!!!!
Stay tuned for more details, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!

And future Cupcake Blockers---BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, We Have Another Anniversary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, imagine me awaking this morning to music from what occasions this anniversary today. As Monsieur said, it must be some kind of sign. Of what, I would like to know.

Loves, forty three years ago on this very day, at the Clairidge Movie Theater in Montclair, New Jersey, at the tender age of 13, I had my first viewing of "David O. Sleznick's Production Of Margaret Mitchell's Gone With The Wind."

Honey, it changed my life. Maybe it is why I am such a bitch today, darlings!!!!! I learned from Vivien Leigh, whose Scarlett got me through adolescence, not to take any crap--when Life kicks you, kick it right back. I swooned over the lushly romantic exterior shots, and oh, my God, the railroad station scene still takes my breath away, with tears, though by this time the number of times I have viewed this film is damn near close to 50. The last was just a year ago, at the Film Forum, at the Victor Flemming Festival.

But that initial viewing, with my Mother, that day, was stunning. I don't recall ever seeing anything that large filling a movie screen. I remember this picture of Scarlett I had built up from reading the book--not knowing much about Vivien Leigh then--and, honey, when the camera zoomed in on her at the start, I remember thinking, "My God, THAT is Scarlett!" Of course so I am, darlings, though my waist is a long way from hers. Mammy would burst about six corsets just trying to lace me into one.

Proud to have seen this film, and proud to sit on my plantation porch, amidst golden sunsets, with servants, receiving gentlemen callers!!!!!! Just like childhood, loves, back on the North Side.

What could be more perfect than to celebrate this day with a screening. But since I am particular--I HAVE to see it in a theater--I have no control over such things. And Monsieur wonders why I throw boogers!!!!!! Better that than a vase!!!!!!!!

Nevertheless, this day marked a turning point in my life. I never thought I would live to say it was as many years ago as it actually was. Who knows what I am in store for next!!!!!!!!! There is only one way to find out, girls, and that is to stay tuned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fiddle Dee Dee, dolls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, What A Week We Have Had!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, there have been few weeks like this. Today being Bitch Of The Week Thursday, I was all set to give the award to Annette Cole, the character played so marvelously by Kate Burton in last night's 'SVU' episode, "Bully." But, as my last post indicated, everyone turned out to be such a fucking bitch that it kind of jettisoned that idea. Next, I was set to award the prize to University of Viriginia magazine editor Ted Genoways, whom you may recall me writing about last summer, when he allegedly (and I believe did) drive his coworker, Kevin Morrissey, to suicide. I just recently discovered that in its investigation into this, UVA came out in favor of Genoways, saying he may have had poor managerial skills, but he was not a bully, and was not responsible for Morrissey's death. Yeah, right. Cover your fucking ass, Genoways and UVA. Exactly the same thing Rutgers did with Tyler Clementi. Not that Genoways is not worthy of the award. But there is also Hersha Howard, the trash from Naples, Florida, who assaulted her roommate over--get this!!!--eating her Girl Scout Cookies. And let me say, Miss Howard does not need to eat any more cookies!!!!!!!!! Do I hear Jenny Craig????????

However, all of these pale besides this week's winner, Wisconsin State Governor Scott Walker, who is taking Capitalistic Bitchery to new heights, with his notions about jettisoning public service workers and collective bargaining. Isn't the economy bad enough???? But, typical of one in his financial brackett, he does not stop to consider the needs or matters or anyone else, save his wealthier constituents. Money is God in this country, darlings, and while I do not underestimate its importance, as last night's episode ('SVU') demonstrated, some things are just not worth it.

Not only is Walker ugly on the outside, he is corroded inside. How can his wife even stand him; but, hey, maybe there is a story lurking there. It seems, inevitably, these types always have a sex scandal of some kind popping out at them, and if we don't hold our breath, Walker may have just the same. At least, it would not surprise me. And then he would be finished for GOOD.

I cannot think of a more dehumanized piece of scum to name as Bitch Of The Week. Not a glammour type, to be sure. Let's hope for that, next week.

Would LOVE to see Anna eat him for breakfast, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, We Got Much More Than We Ever Bargained For!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, let me tell you, for a REAL bitchfest, you have got to see, when you can, last night's "Law And Order SVU" episode, entitled "Bully." It was made clear from the trailer shown as early as last week that guest star Kate Burton was going to play sonme kind of Boss Bitch From Hell, but who would have thought there would have been a whole galaxy of them????? You know the book mentioned in "Rosemary's Baby" called "All Of Them Witches"? Well, this could have been entitled "All Of Them Bitches." Or even "Deal With The Devil."

But I am getting ahead of myself, loves. The episode began in an art gallery, where this smarmy artist named Andreas and his patron/ socialite/model/escort/whore (played by real life New York slut Countess Luann De Lesseps, of "New York Housewives") discover that a painting is NOT a painting--a white canvass with red strings is actually dripping blood, seeping down from the apartment above. The victim turns out to be Ellen Savelin (played only in a video by an actress excellent at conveying both company loyalty and victimization. The last was truly terrifying, and you felt for her.), the business partner of one Annette Cole (Kate Burton) who runs a small but profitable wine company called--how cute!--Luscious Grapes. But let me tell you, these vineyards are withered, darling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Before this discovery can be made, a few red herrings get thrown our way. One is a thug named Juan Alvarez, who harasses people for money, at the command of an exec for a company called Leather Fantasy. No S and M, lambs--purses!!!!! Why can't real life company magnates be this creative at organization names?????

Just as Stabler has collared Alvarez, and is hauling him away, an elderly man walks up to them with a gun, and shoots him point blank, saying "You killed my wife!
You killed my Peggy!" It seems Peggy, an early Alzheimer's patient, was pushed to the brink, and died, as a result of stress from Alvarez. So one cannot be too sorry the guy shot this scum.

Meanwhile, girls, things are heating up at Ellen's apartment. Her body has been removed, and the wonderful ME Warner (played by the equally wonderful Miss Tamara Tunie) rules her cause of death, which looked enough like a homicide, what with all the blood, to be undetermined. At the same time, Benson and Stabler are getting suspicious--everyone in Ellen's company, Luscious Grapes, just talks the talk a little too glibly--as if, Benson says, "like they are being told what to say." Before things can involve Dr. Huang (adorable B.D.Wong, looking SO cute in his business suits, darlings; wouldn't you just love to have HIM deliver your Lo Mein???) someone violates the crime scene rope, and breaks into Ellen's apartment. Clearly they are after something, and hot, hunky Elliot (the hot, hunky Chris Meloni, girls!!!!!!) discovers what it is---a flash drive, hidden inside a stuffed panda!!!!!!!!!

The flash drive reveals what we have seen in the trailer. It is filmed footage of Annette bullying her workers. She screams and curses. "Wipe that smirk off your face!" she tells one guy, throwing papers, furiously down upon his desk. Bruce, whom it is pointed out early on in the story to be gay, is called "a fruit" by her!!!!!!!
Honey, I cannot recall the last time I heard that expression with regard to male homosexuality!!!!!!!!! You would have to go back to the 1950's. The most harrowing scene is the one where she is victimizing Ellen, whom up to now has been portrayed, both in person and on film, as her "best friend," the "brains of the company," and the one who started it with her. "You are the worst of all!" Annette screams at her, right in her face. "I have carried you on the books, Ellen, all these years," taking all the credit for herself, which is exactly what these types do. But now here comes one of this episodes's several classic moments. After the clearly cowed woman begs her to lower her voice, the bitch slaps her hard across the face, screaming, "I just found three typos!!!!!" Fuck you, lady!!!!!!!! Get someone else to do your work!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me say, darlings, that if ANYONE EVER acted towards me this way, I would not only rap them in the teeth, I would bring a lawsuit down upon them. So, with the truth out, it is a hop, skip and jump until Annette is locked in the interrogarion room with Benson and Stabler, both of whom I had wished had rapped her right in the teeth!!!!!!!!! Of course she denies everything--"I push thenm as hard as I do myself," "I did not kill Ellen," "I can do what I want!" One of these statements actually does turn out to be true, as you shall find out.

It looks like a no-brainer. Ellen is a workplace, rageaholic bully, whom even Angelo, her favorite restaurant waiter, says he saw throw a coffee cup--a coffe cup, can you believe this????--at Ellen. She is looking REAL good as a suspect.

However, the other minions--Bruce, the sycophantic homosexual, Corrinne, the Yuppie bitch, Justin, the high powered stud salesman with a secret, and David, the lush capitalist financial cover upper, all back her up!!!!!!!! Can you imagine?????
Who the Hell would take such crap!!!!!!!!! And why??????? Even Benson and Stabler are stumped.

Girls, get ready, because her comes Classic Moment #2!!!!! Ellen, smart girl, saw, befor her death, that these tapes made their way to a TV station, where they are aired, and before you know it, are all over the Internet. A Twitter page lists Annette as "Worst Boss Evah!!!!!!" Don't you just love it, darlings?????
So Annette decides to hold a press conference to rectify things. But what a conference. Starting out by feigning contriton, she escalates to a boililng rage in which she fires her workers, berates those who have ordered from her, and calls the NYPD scum, whereupon she pulls a gun out of nowhere and blows her brains out in front of everyone. "You made me do this!" she says to everyone, in a moment so shocking if I had not known about it in advance, I would not have seen it coming. I was so happy when this shit blew her brains out, I laughed!!!! Hah!!!!! She got her comeuppance, all right, even if she did pull the trigger herself. And with the colleagues out of work, Ellen, even in death, gets the last laugh--she bought the entire company DOWN!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But wait--there is more to come!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shortly after this, someone tries to run homosexual Bruce down with a car. The driver cannot be seen, but the license plates can, and they find an old man, who turns out to be the grandfather of.....Yuppie bitch Corinne. Seems, he says, she borrowed the car, but banged it up, somehow. Uh huh. So Elliot and Olivia bring in Corinne, with we the viewer hoping to see her get banged up, too!!!!!! She's a little miniature Annette. Unbeknownst to her, Bruce has been brought in--and hears Corinne spill the beans. They were all bullied, but kept quiet because a big buyout was coming and they wanted to be rich. Annette had been buying them off, with cash bonuses, cars, and fancy homes. But it was starting to get to Ellen--no surprise, as she was the most human and humane of them all-- and Corrinne found out about the tapes, which Ellen was going to reveal. She told the others, and they engaged in a conspiracy to keep Ellen quiet. So, yes, ironically, when Annette, for all her bitchery, said she did NOT kill Ellen, she was actually telling the truth. The truth was, as Olivia said, "You all killed her with your greed!" and for such I hope all are locked behind bars!!!!! Especially sycophantic Bruce, who is a disgrace to homosexuals, and Yuppie bitch Corrinne!!!!!! However, the one who actually did the deed was Salesman Justin, who pretended to feign interest in the plain, spinsterish Ellen, but she saw through him. He pushed her, she is knocked unconscious, but in an unusual twist (and boy, is that word literal) he finishes her off. So Justin is the killer, David broke in to try and find the flash drive, but as far as I am concerned, they all should do jail time.

The best is saved for last, dolls!!!!! Stabler and Benson rush to Justin's place, whom it has been established is caring for an ailing mother, who is/was a former opera singer. Every so often we have heard the line, "Justin--Mother wants her juice!" coming from upstairs. What is found out in those final moments is that Justin is a mother domianted perv. His mother is an alcoholic, but still needs to sing, so, to preserve her voice, she ingests the liquor through....her rectum!!!!!!!!! I am not kidding, loves!!!!!!!!! And Justin does this by, basically, sodomizing her with a bottle!!!!!!!!!! He learned this trick from his alkie mother--"She taught me a lot," he says chillingly, before being hauled off, indicating he really gets off on servicing Mother this way. Which, it turns out, is how he killed Ellen!!!!!!!!! The last image is the deserted apartment, and the line,
"Mother wants her juice!!!!!!!!!"

What a hoot and a half, darlings!!!!!! You are going to have to go a LONG way to top this sickness!!!!!!! And Mother's voice, by the way, belonged to opera star Renee Flemming, who I think should get a special Emmy--"Best Guest Apprearance By Voice," and the writer, who came up with that classic line, should get one, too!!!!!!!!

Girls, we thought we were getting ONE bitch, we got EVERYONE!!!!!!!!! So when you report for work today, dears, keep your eyes and wits about you, because you have no idea what bitches lurk beneath placid surfaces. Like me, darlings!!!!!!!

Ellen was, of course, described as being the perfect victime, because she did not fight back. That may have been me at one time, but no more!!!! I would have creamed them all, and lived to get satisfaction doing it. Too bad Ellen did not go through the Highland Park, New Jersey public school system, which is how I learned to survive by fighting back!!!!!!!!!!

I have to hand it to SVU for one of its best episodes EVER! You cannot miss this one!!! Kate Burton has the tinme of her life as Annette, and anyone can relate with hatred to her behavior!!!!!!!! But the utter despicablility of the other workers was just as bad. Too bad Annette did not blow their brains out, too!!!!!!!!!!!

"What do you get when you cross a sociopath with a narcissist?" "A ticking time bomb," cute B.D. Wong replies. What fun it was to see all these bombs implode on one another!!!!!!!!!!!

My brains, loves, are not for sale, or to be blown!!!!!!!! They are intact, honey, just like my purity!!!!! Make sure you stay the same!!!!!!!!!

Girls, We Cannot Wait Until Tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, this is the week night for which we have awaited, and there is much anticipation for it. It is an evening when those who work in Manhattan across the tri state area will unite in collective disdainment against their supervisors. Or some of them, at least!!!!!!!! No, lambs, I am not talking about a union meeting, designed to resolve a contract dispute. I am talking about tonight's episode of "Law And Order SVU," on NBC, entitled "Bully," in which guest star Kate Burton plays Boss Bitch From Hell, Annette Cole. And from the trailers, Burton is one evil bitch--the kind we just want to love AND hate simultaneously.

But before I go any further, let me throw in a few real life facts. From what I can gather, this episode is based on the October 30, 2,007 murder of NYC realtor, Linda Stein. Now, Linda was a high powered, Career Bitch type, probably a bully herself. And normally, in cases like this, my sympahthies are entirely with the beleagured worker. Why shouldn't they be, since I am such an anti- coporarate type myself???? And that is ONLY because, when I initially reached out to that world when young, it would NOT acccept me, due to homosexual discrimination!!!!!!!!! Yes, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, Linda Stein was done in by her Personal Assistant, Miss Natavia Lowery. Now, if Linda was a piece of work, herself, so was Natavia. Linda was White, Jewish and of the monied class; Lowery was Black and from a lower social order, but, honey, she felt she was entitled to EVERYTHING. That is right, girls, she was Miss Entitlement Bitch!!!!!!! And I have known plenty of those, who come in all shapes, sizes, colors and genders!!!!!!!!

Poor Natavia! Linda had bucks, and she did NOT!!!!!! You can bet she wanted those bucks, that lifestyle, and saw using Linda as a stepping stone towards getting all this. But Miss Lowery made a mistake by getting TOO greedy. And not being of the Upper Echelon, she could not cover up that greed as convincingly as its members.
Now, maybe Linda WAS a bitch, shouting at Natavia, cursing her, demeaning her, blowing marijuana smoke in her face. All of which would make her a bully, and would normally place MY sympathy entirely with Natavia. However, she forefeited that, because the day of the murder, it seems Linda had discovered Natavia was pilfering money from her, to the tune of $30K. Honey, I will probably never see such an amount in one sitting in my life, but let me tell you, if I found out some assistant of mine had stolen as much as $30, damn right, I would bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So Linda bitched, and this time she was justified. And what does Miss Entitlement Natavia do???? She wacks Linda over the head seven times, with a Yoga bar, sending her to the floor bleeding, probably with a fractured skull, from which she dies. Then Natavia high tails it outta there, comitting a fashion faux pas--her pants are turned inside out!!!!!!!!! Even Leopold and Loeb did not make THAT mistake!!!!!!!

Linda's daughter, Mindy, had a point. Even if Natavia felt her mother was being overly abusive, she simply could have walked out of the room. But NO--don't believe that worker frustration crap here, honey!!!!--Miss Lowery was out for big bucks, and was willing to do anything, even kill to get and keep them.

Instead she is doing 27 to Life of Hard Time, still proclaiming her innocence, discrimination, etc. Anything she can think of that will make people think she was justified in doing what she did. And maybe, if she had not stolen the $30K, I might feel different. But the stealing cuts off any sympathetic bond with Natavia, leaving one in Linda and her daugher's Corner!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, I have only seen the trailer for tonight's episode, darlings. But it is clear that Kate Burton's character, Annette Cole is a REAL bitch!!!!!! She screams out obscence epithets at her workers, throws things down upon them, and in one instance slaps one hard across the face, for having--GASP!!!--three typos!!!!!!!!! Dolls, this is one bitch we just GOTTA see, and hate, and you can bet Kate was having the time of her life playing it!!!!!!!!!! But where it departs from the Stein case is that it seems as if one of the workers is killed, pointing the finger at Annette, whom we would all like to see roasted alive, but with this being 'SVU' some kind of twist is in order?????

Will Anette get her comeuppance???? Will the viewer get bloodletting bitch satisfaction???? Will they kill their bosses tomorrow morning????? It awaits to be seen!!!!! Stay tuned for tomorrow's report, loves, on how things wenr down last night!!!!!!!!!!!

And in addition to that I have to find a Bitch Of The Week!!!!! Who knows, if Kate plays her part well tonight, Annette could be it!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bitchfest, darlings, bitchfest!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Several Nights Back, I Dreamt I Was Natalie Portman!!!!!!!!!

Girls, let me tell you, I know I am on some intense meds, but not nearly enough as Judy (Garland), whose dosages were so strong they must have acted like anaesthesia--no dreams, whatsoever!!!! However, lambs, MY stuff gives me some strange dreams, many of them I remember, and none so strange as several nights back.

There I was, in my dressing room at the New York City Ballet--only the best for moi, of course, darlings!--getting ready to dance the lead in "Swan Lake." It was me in my brain, but the body was Natalie Portman. So was the facial makeup, which I was finishing applying, in my white robe, prior to stepping into my costume. Suddenly, the door opens, and in walks the macabre looking Barbara Hershey, intoning repeatedly her now classic line, "What's happened to my sweet girl?" with me firing back, of course, "She's gone!" And both these lines echo repeatedly on the soundtrack, while the mirror splinters in front of me into fragments, each depicting my Natalie Portman face!!!!! I still don't know what it means, but first, let me say thank God I did not dream the lesbian sex sequence with Mila Kunis. That would have been some nightmare for THIS queen!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But, honestly, I don't know where this dream came from. I have only seen the film once--though its image are powerful enough to retain on a single viewing--but I never had aspirations towards the ballet. A slight interest in study for physicality sake, but my true dance ambitions centered around doing the big numbers from "A Chorus Line," or learning "West Side Story's" "Somewhere Ballet," both, especially the former, had tremendous impact on me. I wanted to be Donna McKechnie, darlings, not Maria Tallchief!!!!!!!!!!!

My one regret is the dream did not last long enough for me to get out onstage and show them what I could do. Let alone see the hot male dancer I might be pas de deux-ing with. In any case, this was a standout among many memorable dreams; maybe it is a forecast at Natalie Portman winning the Oscar, which I would love to see, girls, because when might she ever get a role this good again????? Only once in a lifetime, kiddies, when it comes to an actor's career. Unless, of course, you happen to be Meryl Streep!!!!!!!!!!!

So get in place at the barre and go en pointe for Natalie!!!!!! She may not be dancing at NYCB, but she is our favorite dancing swan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quack, quack, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, This Is The Hottest Spot In Town!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Especially, darlings, if the town is Bloomfield, New Jersey, that haven of the suburban sophisticates, and home of that fun-loving, 'Virginia Woolf' couple, Joe and Norman. We all trooped out there for Joe's 49th birthday celebration--cannot believe he will be 50 next year, girls!!!!--and a good time was had by all!!!

Even though my body was pain wracked from stone floors, Monsieur and I took the exquisite excursion bus ride out to Bloomfield, at Broad and Bay, showing Jersey in all its scenic glory. Honey, I hadn't made the trip this way in years, and it was just amazing to me how nothing had changed. But, then, this is New Jersey. We got off at said stop, and there was the gardening place, the Dunkin Donuts, where Bob's wife, Ann, whos e hair is as frosted as the donuts, used to work, and the beautiful park and pond, though it was apparently too early for the ducks. We walked from there to Joe's, and noticed a U-Haul truck parked in front of a house. Girls, let me tell you what that means--a lesbian second date!!!! Which told us we were not the only ones out there with an alternative lifestyle. Just better taste. And speaking of taste, what a visual cornucopia Joe;'s house was--Christmas lights outside still up and lit, a white tree and snow man in the living room, enshrouding everything in darkness,like the set from a David Lynch movie, and a gorgeous array of wall prints, as always.

The Group convened--Joe, looking, as always, like the Stanley Tucci of Bloomfied, though this Raving Queen detected a little more gray than usual in his goatee. Time for a tocuh-up job, love!!!! Norman's hair was long and wavy. And then Goegeous Gary showed up, with his cute littile morsel, Byron, who looked as fresh and scrubbed as a Coffee Cream cupcake!!!!!! There was Tom, my cherub, of course, and we wish him luck in his new career endeavor, and Mike, looking as pert and fresh faced as ever. A special guest appearanceby John, with most gorgeous blond hair and skin, girls--like a dish of vanilla ice cream. And of course, my Monsieur looked his best and charmed everyone with his warmth and loveliness.

Soon off we went to the Nevada Diner, home of great Jersey cuisine, where people from all over the world come; some from as far away as New York City. As usual, we were the tinnest patrons there! And the mirrors and tacky lighting cannot be beat, though the recently added mahagony wood classes things up, just a bit. But they are still serving that exquisite Nevada salad, with cheese slices, and raspberry vinagarette, so all things were...Nevada!!!!! The populace got a load of what happens when you put a group of caclking queens in one room, and, girls, did we cackle!!!! I am surprised no straight folk ran out!!!! But we brought them money and variety, so the staff loved us!!! And, of course, it was Joe's birthday!!!!!!

Which, of course, means back to the house for coffee and cake. Yours truly, the Dorothy McGuire of the group, made the coffee, with some sweetly generous help from Byron!!!!! The cake was superb, Joe got some great cards and gifts, and all were happy at being together again, because with our lives, loves, it is so impossible these days to get us under one roof, let alone onre room. But, for Joe, we did!!!!!

The day winded down with Monsieur and I taking a scenic nighttime PATH ride back to the city. I am telling you, you have got to see Harrison at night!!! Nothing like it!!!!! But, then, there was nothing like this day we had, which shall remain in our minds and hearts for a long time!!!!!!

We just LOVE Bloomfield, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, From Colonoscopy To Back Problems!!!!!

Girls, as the late Gilda Radner rightly said, "It's always something." And I am telling you, this middle-aged shit is for the birds!!!!! No sooner do I get through my colonoscopy with flying colors, then my back acts up, with pain and stiffness in the lower part, and some running down my right leg. Sciatica??? A pinched nerve??? Who knows? All I know is that I am not compelled to do "A Chorus Line" anytime soon, so forget being Donna McKechnie, for awhile. If I have to go for physical therapy I can only hope for someone like Jeremy the last time I went. Honey, he had healing hands, let me tell you!!!!

So, darlings, with the wind howling last night, and me arriving at home to Monsieur with a nice wind burn, where we enjoyed a luscious repast, I was happy to learn there was an 'SVU' marathon that night!!!!! And watch we did!!!!! The best of the lot was "Selfish," where Hilary Duff played a White Trash, negligent mother, whose baby died, but who was outmatched in acting by Gail O'Grady (formerly of NYPD Blue) as Hilary's even more White trash Mom!!!! I am telling you, these two exemplify the kinds of trash that came out of Goat Alley in my hometown, and reveals why such trash never leaves there, but stays forever!!!! By the time the suicidal husband, Ralph, marched into the house, and killed himself in front of the plaintiff who won the case his family should have, I was like , "Good for you! Now you are rid of those two bitches!!!!!"

It was a hoot! And of course we cannot wait for this week's upcoming episode, "Bully," where Kate Burton plays Annette Coleman, the Boss Bitch From Hell!!! I want to see the workers rise up and kill her, a la "Julius Caesar!" At least I hope that happens. But this will have a rippling effect, because on Thursday morning, the thousands who see this the night before, and work for Bitch Bosses, will be rising up, not taking any crap THAT day!!!! I hope it starts a revolution against Corporate America!!!!! Honey, you know I am ready!!!!!

And we were all ready today for the much delayed birthday celebration of Uncle Ernest!!!!! But he will not be deprived of his Saturday Night Fever, even if he is 80, so it will have to wait tomorrow. But a trip to Bloomfield, Garden Spot of the Garden State, New Jersey is on for today, and, girls, I promise you a full report on this!!!!!!

Darlings, this will simply make MY Winter Social Season!!!!! Let me know what makes yours, loves!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, A Toast To That Invincible Bunch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, girls, the Ladies Lunched on Friday, and while there were not matinees or vodka stingers, a wonderful and informative time of all. My lovely guest was the youthful and charming Mr. Joel Derfner, author of "Gay Haiku," and the more recent "Swish" (which yours truly recently read!!!!!!), whose hair, ladies and gentlemen, is actually a lovely shade of red, and not quite as flaming as his TV appearances would seem to have filmed or lit him. Red hair is in these days, darlings, what with Amy Adams and Julianne Moore defining such, and Mr. Derfner fits securely into that honored duet.

He is also intellectually brilliant, darlings; not only able to keep up with yours truly, but bringing to my attention the merits of "The Bridge Of San Luis Rey" (a work I have overlooked, meant to, and now will read!!!!!!), and then, oh, my God, his knowledge of Shirley Jackson is astonishing!!!!! As we discussed Shirley, I felt she was right there with us. Makes me want to go out and track down a copy of "The Bird's Nest," or "The Sundial," which I haven't read in so long I think I may have been an actual virgin when I did. So, you know, girls, it HAS been a long time!!!!!!!!

It was simply a meeting of two literary and theatrical minds, and great minds, darlings, think alike, so we were on the same page about a lot of things. Like what a piece of crap 'Spider Man' on Bdway is, but nevertheless a free tkt would have us seated there for an evening just to see for ourselves how truly awful it is. I might have to call in sick the next day, if I did!!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Derfner cuts a distinguished, dashing and altogether charming figure, going beyond his persona on the reality show "Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys!" to be one of sensitivity and depth. And humor, darlings, which is how so many of us survive being gay. Scratch an adult with a burgeoning gay adolescence, and you will find a bitchy queen!!!!!!!!!

We could have bitched and dished for hours. But Mr. Derfner is no bitch, he is a gentleman. And so youthful looking; honey, he could do a "Where Is Love" from "Oliver!" that I daresay could be capable of upstaging mine. What a duet that would be--like Julie and Carol at Carnegie Hall!!!!!!!!!

So, girls, Mr. Derfner is the genuine article. I wish him luck in his marriage, his teaching endeavors, and of course, look forward to more accomplished prose. God knows the gay male community is in need of those who can write. If you girls keep an eye on both Mr. Derfner, and moi, here, you may find out all you need to know!!!!!!!!!!!!

And getting to know is such fun!!!!!! We love you, Deborah Kerr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, What A "Scare" We Had Wednesday Night!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, the LPA Playreading Group is setting new standards for itself, with Wednesday night's captivating reading of Charles Busch's "Red Scare On Sunset." Venturing into comedic terrtiory hitheto unexplored, the capable group proved themselves adept at Busch's special brand of humor. With a few surprises along the way.

Wendy, our congenial hostess and Casting Director for the project, made some brilliant and inspired choices. Charlie--he of the stentorian voice--proved to be an accomplished leading man in the role of Frank Taggart, one of the most imbibing lushes ever. John Barrymore and Christopher both would have been impressed. The company's own Amy Adams, Miss Daisy Pommer, brought her own radiance and an Eve Arden-ish quality, to the role of Pat Pilford, while the dulcet tones of Miss Tynisha Jones (no relation to Grace Jones, darlings!!!!) concealed brilliantly the true steeliness of her character, Mary Dale. One of the evening's favorites turned out to be Steve Massa, whose Uncle Sven was skillfully played as a Scandanavian Uncle Joe from "Petticoat Junction" on the make, and his portrayal of Russian acting teacher Yetta Felson would have blown the babushkas off both Maria Ouspenskaya and Blanche Yurka!!!!!!!! And the company's REAL Amy, Miss Schwegel, did a deliciously nasty rendering of Marta Towers, with a brilliant Soviet accent when exposed for the true villain she was. Resident ingenue Emily Currie shined in the role of "Salesgirl" and assorted others, demonstrating she is someone to keep an eye on for larger and meatier roles. I for one, hon, cannot wait to see her do Jean--the teenage durg addict in Tracy Letts' "August:Osage County.

Making his group debut that evening, in the role of Mitchell Drake, was John Calhoun, whom rumor hath it is related to Rory Calhoun, star of such film classics as "Motel Hell," and the legendary "Night Of The Lepus." Displaying a malevolent qualilty enabling him to weasel and worm his way into the role, Mr. Calhoun tossed off one liners about hisute testicles with the panache of one who has seen many in his time, with the best maniacal sneer I have heard this side of Basil Rathbone. Tall and willowy in a manner suggeting the early Shelley Duvall, Mr. Calhoun is an accomplished addtion to the group roster, and it will be interesting to see how he is used, as he shows every indication of becoming the group's Beatrice Arthur!!!!!!!!!!

And whay of Wendy? Still in hostess mode, which suggested a carryover from her triumph of M'Lynn in "Steel Magnolias," she dispensed announcements, food and drink, which flowed freely. Special mention must be given to Mr. Calhoun's Red Vines, and Charlie's tantalizing salsa. Daisy proved herself wine operner supreme; if only I had not been on antibiotics so I could drink just the way Judy (Garland) tauight me. Well, aaybe not THAT much, but nevertheless the evening was a comic triumph for all, including yours truly, who, channeling my Comic Muse, Miss Rue McClanahan, found an audacious way to portray Malcom and come off with a performance to satisfy even this severest critic.

Girls, this group is on its way! Just wait till it does "Mourning Becomes Electra!" That should be a hoot and a half, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!

See you next month on the Rialto!

Darlings, We Just LOVE "Theatre Of Blood!!!!!!!!"

Girls, I am telling you, I have been feeling like a real bitch all week, and there has been plenty to bitch about, but what does one do about such a matter? Well, my answer is always a good slasher film, where you can root for the killer because the victims are so abysmal they almost deserve what they get. But how many times can you watch "Prom Night" or "Terror Train?" Occasionally you need to take a break. I was pondering this, darlings, when a film that remains in the back of my consciousness (ie; not quite forgotten) surfaced--1973's "Theatre Of Blood," starring Vincent Price!!!!!!!!!

Loves, this is FABULOUS!!!!!!! If you are a high school or college student studying Shakespeare in English class, I can fully attest this is more fun and informative than any Cliff Notes. An as far as slashers go, this is the classiest and stylish within the genre.

Vincent Price, really hamming it up, plays a hammy English stage actor named Edward Lionheart. Near the end of a lifelong theatrical career, he performs a full London season of Shakespeare---all the classics!!!!!! For this he is nominated for an acting award and feels he will and should win. BUT the critics on the committee dismiss his achievements as being...well...hammy...and bestow the prize on a young up and comer. Before you can Maleficent in "Sleeping Beauty", Lionheart attacks the committee of critics, and in humiliated retaliation, kills himself in front of them by leaping out the terraced window into the river below, to the trauma of his grown daughter, Edwina (the brilliant Diana Rigg), who has followed her father, to try and stop him from further humiliation.

Several years go by, and we see the lovely Edwina, dressed in white like Ophelia in the mad scene, putting flowers on her father's grave. Quicker than you can say the words Globe Theatre, it becomes apparent that someone is dispatching the critics one by one, like something out of Agatha Christie. The gimmick is each murder corresponds to one in the Shakespeare canon, and it is fun to guess which one along the way. And for the uninitiated, it is an entertaining lesson.

The opening is actually the best. A critic and his wife are having breakfast, when he receives a call that the condemned property he owns and is trying to sell, has been taken over by vagrant squatters. He is called to get them out. He arrives, and two British looking policemen escort him inside, where the derelicts have set up camp. He goes to dismiss them, when suddenly, they, like actors on cue, take on an alertness of manner they hitherto have not displayed, close in on the autocratic critic, and murder him en masse. As he is dying, the taller of the policeman stands over him, removes his moustache and make-up!!!!!
Yes, it is Lionheart!!!!!!! "But you're dead!" the critic gasps!!!!!! Chortlinjg over his vengeance, the deranged actor-killer ends his verbal diatribe with the words "It is you who are dead!"

What an opening!!!!!!! So, of course, what follows is the remainder of the critics dispatched in Shakespearean mode, the most celebrated and favorite of them all, being Robert Morely's "Titus Andronicus" death, and the rather campy manner in which it is executed!!!!!!! After enough critics die, the remaining catch on to what is going on and why, and the film proceeds to a predictable, but enjoyable conclusion.

Even the opening credits are classy, with silent film Shakespearean scenes being performed, which seem to be footage of stage performances--I recognized Paul Robeson as Othello in one clip. Girls, if you are feeling like one Vicious Queen, or maybe because you are on the brink of menopause, then this is the film to watch. Its vitriolic mirth will drain all the bitchiness right out of you.

I will never forget seeing this film for the first time. It was the spring of 1973, just before I graduated from high school. My friend Marc and I drove from South Plainfield, NJ, home, to a movie theater off of Route 22, near Scotch Plains.The title alone was appealing. But my expectations were not high; I basically thought I was going to see and entertaining piece of crap!!!!! Well, this crap turned out to be classier than I imagined, and several years back, it got its artistic due, when, during one Halloween period, the Film Forum in NYC ran it for a week as part of its programming. Seeing it onscreen again reminded me how classy, and bitchy it truly is.

Vincent Price was brilliant, knowing just how far to go and not with the role. Same with Diana Rigg, who had the more difficult role; you feel for her losing her father the way she did, and the trauma she was put through, her sadness at him not being accorded his honorable due, but then you have to wonder--did she and her father plan this scheme out years in advance, even down to the enactment of his "suicide?" After all, what guarantee was there that he would survive such an attempt? Which begs the question, is she as psychologically unbalanced as he????
I still am not sure. But raising these questions as it does indicates the film has a degree of depth unusual for its genre. And, girls, I have to tell you, you have got to see Diana as Butch, the hairdresser. And wait till you see the "permanent wave" Coral Browne's character gets!!!!!!!! It is enough to make one become a home stylist!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But home or not, girls, "Theatre Of Blood" is such fun!!!!!! There was even a stage version of it done in London several years back, in which Diana Riggg's real daughter, played onstage her mother's film role. How I hoped it would come here, or that the script would be published, so I could play in it!!!!!!!!! Alas, no such luck!!!!!!!!!! But if you see this film, even on a repeat viewing, you will luck out, loves, as it drains the bitchiness right out of you!!!!!!!!!!!!

At least until it is time for the next drink!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, Did You See This Week's 'SVU'??????????

Oh, my God, Darlings!!!!!!!!!!! After all the hype, for several weeks going, over the guest appearance of "Emmy winner Debra Messing" on the show, we just had to see this one!!!! After all, girls, knowing her only, as I do, from "Will and Grace" (not exactly a fave of mine, save when Blythe Danner would be on), I was not sure if she had the chops to pull off this dramatic role. And then there was this tease suggesting they were using the recent findings of female bodies on Long Island and in Jersey by a serial killer as one of the story threads!!!!! Honey, I had to see THIS one!!!! Well, it turned out to be better than I thought, and some are already touting it for Emmys!!!!!!

The episode was entitled "Pursuit," and in it Debra Messing played a crusading, vigilante journalist named Alicia Harding, who does a TV program called "Neighborhood Predator," which tracks down pedophiles just as they are about to act out, rather like the real life "To Catch A Predator," with Chris Hansen. Though, under the circumstances, I chose to view Alicia as a John Walsh type, with this her own "America's Most Wanted." John Walsh became a crime fighting vigilante journalist, after his six year old son, Adam, was murdered on July 27, 1981, by serial killer scum Otis Toole, who abducted him from a mall in Hollywood, Florida. Adam's decapitated head turned up weeks later in a canal in Vero Beach--where my father resides. Honey, this is reason enough not to move to Florida. But, then, this was before "The Golden Girls." Walsh wrote a book about what he went through, "Tears Of Rage," that is truly heart wrenching, and the story was dramatized as an NBC TV movie, entitled "Adam," with Daniel Travanti and JoBeth Williams. Out of this came Walsh's still visible show "America's Most Wanted." Like Walsh, Alicia Harding;'s actions are fueled by the abduction of her 13 year old sister, twenty five years before. The sister is presumed dead, though no body was ever found. Her life has been all about tracking down her sister's killer. And ADA Sonya Paxton (the brilliant Christine Lahti) has been tracking right along with her, so she has tremendous emotional investment herself.

Well, girls, it seems someone is stalking Alicia, because they want her out of the way. She is convinced it is her sister's killer, and she makes herself even more accessible, hoping the scum will come after her. But, first, suspects come crawling out of the woodwork, like roaches, including a disgruntled employee named Donny, whom Alicia fired, and who countered this, by--GASP!!!!--sending her a nasty email!!!! Girls, if all the nasty emails in my life were laid end to end, well, as Dorothy Parker herself said, I wouldn't be at all surprised!!!! Somehow the spot where Alicia's sister was last seen alive becomes important, and when Alicia, with Olivia, goes there, they find, off to the side, grassland where they find four disposed and very dead young girls' bodies. A REAL serial killer scum. It narrows down to a guy with the alias David Adams. He is in his late thirties, which means he had to have done in the sister while still a teen himself. Alicia points out famed killer Ted Bundy killed his first victim when he was fourteen. And my girls know, from "The Bad Seed," darlings, that children often commit murders, and quite clever ones. Hell, as a kid, I thought of a few, myself!!!!!

But the big shocker is saved for the climax. Alicia blasts the killer on the show, setting herself up as a decoy. Sonya decides to go to her local AA meeting, and Olivia and Finn discover the killer is trailing her!!!! They violate the meeting's anonymity, but before anyone can get bothered over that, they discover a bleeding, dying Sonya in the bathroom. She was attacked by the killer. Dying, ,Pieta style in Olivia's arms--girls, I cried so much here, because I just LOVED Christine Lahti as Sonya--she says "I got him." Turns out she bit him, so they can extract his DNA!!!!! They do, they trail Alicia, whom the killer takes by force on the street, puts a knife to her neck, but let me tell you, when you have Olivia Benson pointing a gun at you, you do not mess with her HONEY, and the scum who murdered Alcia's sister is apprehended.

Which should make for a happy ending, right???? Not really; in fact, this episode has one of the darkest endings ever, both literally and figuratively. In a barely lit interrogation room, with Olivia watching, Alicia faces down her sister's killer, asking him to recount, from the start, all his victims. The look on her face makes him squirm. Hell, this Ice Princess would make anyone squirm. But, darlings, you have to love and admire Alicia for her tenacity in tracking scum. It paid off for her!!!!!

And you just have to LOVE Debra Messing for turning in such a powerhouse performance. And killing off Sonya--who would have thought? Only now, Chrisitne Lahit can't return, which is a mistake, since she added some bite to the show. Just like me, darlings!!!! The elimination of Sonya is my only complaint here!

But, girls, I cannot recall an episode this exciting since the really early days!!! It is certainly the most exciting one of the season so far!!!! But what we saw for next week looks to be exciting, and all MY girls can relate to this. It seems to involve a group of people at a workplace who take action against their bullying boss, played as a real Bitch From Hell, by Kate Burton!!!!! Honey, the workforce of New York City runs on these types, both male and female!!!!! Slap them silly, girls!!!!! Well, in the trailer, Kate slaps a worker hard across the face for having five typos!!!! Darling, if this happened at MY workplace, not only would that supervisor be dead, but if five typos is all it took, no one there would get any work done!!!!!!

I am telling you, 'SVU' is really cooking, girls!!!!! I cannot wait to see the one next week!!!! We will talk about it, and all our Bitch From Hell experiences!!!!

Love to all from this Hellish bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, This Is Absolutely Shocking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, remember about four months ago, when I reported on the shocking, very untimely death of former child star, Chris Udvarnoky, who spellbound so many of us as Niles Perry in the 1972 film, "The Other?" His passing sent shock waves of sorrow throughout not only all my girls, but those who simply revered the film "The Other."
And in my review of the year's (2010) top stories, I recounted it again, with an apt photo of Chris from the film, which is how he will always be remembered.

Well, now I have something equally shocking to report. But let me tell you how my awareness of it came about.

Each evening, girls, Monsieur and I, when we are together at his place, always end our day with a screening of "The Golden Girls." Episodes galore run on the "Hallmark Channel," and it is a nice wind down, for moi, to end the day with all my girls, especially my personal favorite, Blanche, as played by Miss Rue McClanahan.
I can remember back in the Eighties, when this was first on, and I lived in Brooklyn, watching this on Saturdays with my friend, David, now living in Chicago. Seeing these now, it is amazing how many segments I thought I saw I actually did not.

But I am getting off the track. The other night, as we were waiting for "The Golden Girls" (even more poignant today, what with only Betty alive, and all of us younguns now Golden Girls, ourselves!!!!) I caught a never before seen episode of a show I was fond of many years ago in prime time--"Touched By An Angel." Darlings, this show was a journey to spirituality that stirred the soul and made us cry real tears!!!!! I mean, you didn't need Church, when this was on; come to think of it, it was after the show went off the air in 2003 I thereafter began going to Dignity Services. This show, was, basically, a female counterpart to the Michael Landon show, "Highway To Heaven," only, in my opinion, better. Roma Downey, with her lovely red hair and Irish brogue, played Monica, an angelic emissary from Heaven, sent to Earth by her supervisor, Tess, played by the wonderful Della Reese, to help those in need. I still remember the episode with Piper Laurie as the woman going blind who wanted so badly to see Venice, Italy--that was a REAL tear jerker, loves!!!!!!

Well, the other night, sure enough, there were Monica and Tess, whom I had not seen in ages, and it was good to see them again, and the show's compelling message held up very well. It was also one I had not seen, because in this one appeared a character named Adam, in a white suit, who was also a Divine emissary. As I explained the show to Monsieur, I related how usually the male character was this guy, Andrew, played by a blond, very good looking actor, named John Dye. When I started watching the show, back in '95, Andrew had long flowing hair; and when he eventually cut it, he looked even better. And in his white suit, he was HOT looking!!!!!! He was basically the Angel of Death, who assisted Tess and Monica when things got too rough, or if someone, as occasionally happened on the show, did die. During its prime time run, I always thought if my time came, I would be OK with Andrew coming to get me. Now I wait for Meryl Streep. Andrew cut a striking figure in his white suit, but let me tell you, girls, try as hard as I looked, I never could see any visible panty lines. I guess because it was a prime time spiritual show, the producers made sure that Andrew, no matter how comely he was, never displayed any.

Next day, I found myself thinking about this show in a way I hadn't for a long time. In fact, till just recently, I had not given it any real thought at all. So I decided to poke around to see what I could find out, what might spark my memory of favorite episodes, when I came upon an entry that said, "'Touched By An Angel' Star Dies". My God, I thought, how could I have missed that? And of course my first thought went to Della Reese, as she was the oldest player on there. Imagine MY shock, loves, when I discovered that the one who had died, was none other than John Dye, Mr. Angel Of Death, himself.

On January 10 of this year, exactly three weeks before what would have been his 48th birthday, John Dye was found dead in his San Francisco home. I was stunned. The only thing conclusive seems to be his death was cardiac related--one report said "myocardial infarction" ( a fancy name for a heart attack!) one said heart failure, and a report from the family said there were heart problems.

I mean, the guy was hot looking, was said to be active and athletic-- he loved tennis--which makes the untimeliness of his passing even more sad. But, darlings, you know me, I have to wonder. How much do we know or do not know. Mr. Dye lived in San Francisco--uh huh!--and from what I have been able to surmise his private life was just that.......private. Whichever way he swung, he could have gotten anyone with those looks, but none of the obits mentioned a spouse or partner. Which doesn't mean there was or wasn't one. It just means that part of his life was kept separate.

Of course I lean towards the idea that he was gay. Which begs the question--was the death really heart related, or was it heart related in the face of AIDS???? An organization connected to the disease was mentioned in one of the reports as one of his favorite charities. I suppose we will never know.

Does it actually matter??? Of course not!!!!! What matters is that we have sadly, unexpectedly, lost an actor who touched so many lives in his signature role. He will be missed and remembered. So, darlings, get out there and LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

And make sure you dress as well as Andrew!!!!!!!!! I mean, John Dye!!!!!!!!

Darlings, We Have This Week An Authentic New York Bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, girls, I am not talking about your garden variety New York bitch, like Anna or the New York City Legal and Theatrical Communities, from among almost anyone within you can just take your pick. Come to think of it, the Literary Community is pretty cut throat too; after all, forget that Kander and Ebb crap, to make it HERE (NYC, darlings!!!!) you have to be some kind of bitch. As I can testify.

But this week's winner takes the prize not only for sickness but sheer ineptitude. The winner of this week's Raving Queen Bitch Of The Week Award is Maksim Gelman!!!!!!!! In case some of my girls are jornalistically challenged (ie; do not keep up with news not related to fashion or show biz!!!) this is the 23 year old young man from that nice middle class enclave of Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn (or at least it used to be such, with great restaurants, hon!!!) who lost it last Saturday. Poor baby got pissed because stepdad would not let him have the car!!!!! Let me tell you, this is no Cinderella!!!!!! Instead of wishing for a Fairy Godmother, Maksim stabs his stepdad, walks out, stabs his ex-girlfriend (whom he had been stalking, by the way) and at least half a dozen others--some of whom died, some did not--in a 24 hour span!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me tell you, I can smell an 'SVU" episode a mile away, and mark my words, before the season is done, this will be dramatized in some way on that beloved series. But there is nothing beloved about this guy. First, have you seen his picture???? He looks like he does not take a bath!!!!!!! Now, I know some of my girls out there are into roughing it, and think he might be hot and give them quite a tumble, but I can tell you, you do NOT want to mess with this guy!!!! He makes Alex Forrest in "Fatal Attraction" seem mentally stable. Add to that a bit of Raving Queen prejudice--you can tell this guy was not born here, which is almost a dead certainty that he is.......uncut!!!!!!!!! And yours truly, a Baby Boomer, raised in the Land Of The Free and Circumcised, will not touch that!!!!!!!! Again, more hygiene problems, and if this guy can't look clean from his head shots, then you know that other HEAD of his is not clean!!!!!!!!!!

I would love to see the toxicology report, because I can tell you it is a pretty safe bet to surmise drugs played a role here!!!!!! Hey, they do in show biz!!!!!!!! But this guy wouldn't know Judy Garland from Judy Canova!!!!!!! He is pure New York scum, the kind that gets let in here from time to time, but needs to be cleaned out periodically, like the bars in New Orleans' French Quarter, every morning. And he is headed from trouble, what with the tabloids yelling headlines like "PSYCHO" and "ROT IN HELL". You want to give him Hell, darlings???? Tie him to a chair, and make him watch "Funny Girl" repeatedly. It will drive him into a state of insanity, which is what Gay Cinema does to the heterosexual males!!!!!!!! And he deserves to be locked away!!!!!! And his victims need closure!!!!!!!!!

Yes, darlings, we are going to have to go a long way to find as lowlife a piece of scum for BOTW as Maksim Gelman. Just wait till the boys in the pen make him their Personal Bitch!!!!!!!!

Like the song says, darlings, "Who's Sorry Now?"

Darlings, This Is What Happens When Gossip Girls Gather!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, let me tell you, when we gather, we talk!!!!!!!! And talk was plenty last night when Monsieur and I convened with Frank and Mark at the surprisingly crowded Jane St Tavern. We were put in the Private Section that seems reserved especially for--gasp! homosexuals!!!!!!-- where we succeeded in conversing, and the meal was superb. I mean, my pork chop, darling, was fabulous! And the mashed potatoes and asparagus (how phallic!!!!!) were so delectable, as well as the apple crisp Monsieur and I shared.

As for Frank and Mark, they are rather charming and well groomed, which counts for a lot with yours truly. Especially if you have ever sat across a table from some of the characters I have in my lifetime. However, I do have to say, that for all their talk about "going to the gym", I really did not see any evidence of it. They looked no more nor less than Monsieur and I; no one is going to cast any of us in a Titan Media film, so I would love to know just what their workout regime entails. Bet it involves a lot of shower room and steam room work, and observation. I bet neither can do my Donna McKechnie moves!!!!!!!!!!!!

But, really, so charming and so presentable; the kind you can dress up and take out, which counts for a lot with yours truly. They might not be on the social cusp of things, darlings--but, then, Hell, they have not known the Raving Queen long enough--but it does not mean there is not room for improvement. When Frank recounted his earlier forays into acting, even I was impressed, loves!!!!!!! Mark remained quietly and fascinatingly vulnerable, with occasional forays that showed a quick wit. Honey, it was not like dinner with the Gabors, but, these days, what is, especially with the now 94 Zsa Zsa, the former "Queen Of Outer Space" star, hanging on by a proverbial thread. Not to mention Liz Taylor; honey, if she goes this year, I don't care what anyone says it is the Death of Hollywood!!!!!!! That I could live to see such a thing is scary. I may have to take days, weeks, off from work. In fact, the entire New York City Gay Men Workforce should shut down in honor of Liz.
We shall see!!!!!!!!

This week has been a social blur, what with two dinner nights in a row, a play performance tonight, and volunteering on Thursday. Friday may be time to vegetate.
So stay tuned, girls; you never know what is going happen next!!!!!!

Like the fact I now have a cell phone! More on that another time, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, We Have Had Ourselves One Crazy Winter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, let me tell you, now that we have passed Valentine's Day, and are right on schedule--Donna working on the taxes, a romantic, if delayed, dinner with Monsieur Davide at the Paris Commune, from where I think the lovely Cody has moved on to better things--it is time to say that this Winter has taken a toll on everyone. Not just physical health, but psychological as well. I have never encountered as many nasty people over the winter as I have this year. Even in the summer, when tempers are known to flare, I have not detected such hostility--from subway riders, customers, anyone you have to get out in the world and deal with!!!!!!!! Yesterday may have been a Day of Love, but I can tell you, save for Monsieur and moi, there was not much love out there.

Over at the New York City Ballet, things are going nuts!!!!!!! "Black Swan" fever has upped the tkt sales to "Swan Lake,' with people frantically calling in, asking if Natalie Portman is going to dance the lead at the performance they are going to see. First, I don't think even Natalie's skills are up to it, and second, from what I understand, she is this close to giving birth, which would prevent a lot of activity, let alone ballet. These callers are probably a lot of Dance Queens who are showing up to these performances, made up to look like Natalie OR Barbara Hershey, God forbid!!!!!!!! They probably scream out, at intermittent points--"What's happened to my sweet girl? She's GONE!!!!!!" And the ballet used to be so quiet and contemplative a form of entertainment. Now it has become as frenzied as the latest action film!!!!! If only Darren Aronofsky were dancing the Prince; as Miss Caswell said, "Now there is something a girl could make sacrifices for!" But no such luck.

It is no coincidence that all this is happening during what has to be the craziest Winter I can remember. We had that blizzard back in '96, but not the unrelenting cold and/or snow and ice we have had since the day after Christmas. Kiss this bitch Winter goodbye, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!! My only fear is that it portends an equally sizzling summer!!!!!!!!!!!!

But enjoy the now virtually snow free streets while you can, darlings, because who knows???????????

There is only one place for snow as far as I am concerned, girls--and that is on the screen in David Lean's "Doctor Zhivago." Make sure it stays there!!!!!!!