When Eve Blackmails Karen, She Is Upstaged In One Way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                Well, two actually.  The first is the décor of the film's "Ladies...shall we say?...lounge?," which certainly outdoes any I have been in.  The second is Celeste Holm's outfit. designed to Oscar winning perfection by Edith ("She gave good costume!") Head, and Charles Le Maire.  That perfectly coiffed hair, that outfit, with sparkles, and those pearls, so cunningly arranged.  I am telling you, I have to learn how to tie my pearls, just like Celeste Holm as Karen Richards.  Maybe I need an "Eve" to help me with that.

                                Are you kidding?  Do you think anyone would replace ME?  Do you even THINK I would ALLOW it????????  If this had been my story, I would have played Cora, and Eve and Phoebe would have been kicked out on the street, back to that lesbian crawlspace Eve was residing at, with that other bitch, when she allegedly phoned Lloyd Richards (Hugh Marlowe) in desperation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                  But back to Celeste, as Karen.  I always loved her, because of her outfits, and because she resembled my earliest remembrance of my late, sainted Aunt Katty, (for Kathleen) my father's older sister.  My aunt was a carefree career girl, which I aspired to be, and though a Catholic spinster, she got the most out of life.  She was kind of an inspiration for me, and I was glad she had been chosen to be my Godmother, at my baptism.

                                   And Celsete played the Fairy Godmother, in 1964, in "Rodgers'  And Hammerstein's Cinderella," with Lesley Ann Warren, back in 1964.  Unlike my aunt, Celeste had a big number--"Impossible"--and magical gifts!!!!!!!!  My aunt had special gifts of her own.  She should have been canonized a saint.

                                    But Celeste, as Karen, helped me to learn to notice the importance of women dressing impeccably, later tailoring this for myself.

                                     Next time you watch this scene, darlings, notice how Celeste upstages Anne Baxter's evil, black, faux chemise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                      And, then in the awards scene, where Eve is at her phoniest, notice how closely her gown resembles Karen's earlier dress.

                                       As Bette Davis said, in an interview, "How does any Eve do it?"

                                      How do we, girls??????????????????????????

Not At All What I Expected!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                    Every time I would go to The Strand, this book would stare out at me from the Recommendations Section.  I am a big admirer of the works of H.P. Lovecraft, so the name alone titillated me.  So, awhile back, I picked this up, and I finally got to it.  Now, coming off that Murakami thing, most anything would seem good.  But, I have to confess, the reading year so far has been something of a disappointment, because, while the material has been much more challenging than last year, nothing as yet has blown me away.

                                     I had high hopes for this one, dears.  The story takes place in a racially divided America in New England and the South, from 1954 (my birth year!) to 1955.  Yes, Lovecraft references, titles, and creatures, permeate, but the story involves a group of Afro Americans seeking the fate of the one of their fathers, who worked for a New England family, named Braiwaithe.  This gets us into pre-Civil rights issues, miscegenation, haunted houses, and what were called "Sundown Towns," where only Whites lived!  Can you imagine?

                                     If you look at the book jacket, it suggests all this.  The creepy house and tentacled thing beneath it, suggest Lovecraft, but the white ghostly figures also suggest Klansmen.
Very clever.

                                      So, what goes wrong?  Each chapter is like its own short story, with interconnected characters, where everything does not come together until the Epilogue.  Matt Ruff may be some cult hotshot, but I don't like this narrative device; it does not work too often.  The only novel of this kind that did, that I can recall, was David Schlicker's "Kissing In Manhattan," which was published in 2001, and that is going back eighteen years.

                                       Maybe if the word "Lovecraft" had not heightened my expectations, my disappointment would not be so keen.  It is a fairly respectable work, and maybe readers with lower expectations will appreciate it more than I did!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                         But it was no "Call Of Cthulu," darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time For Another Marriage Chat, Darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                    I mean, girls, come on!!!!!!!!!!!  Valentine's Day is just around the corner, and you don't want to be alone like buffalo Dorothy Wheeler!!!!!!!!!!!!   It is time to get serious about husbands, so here are some more outstanding tips we can all peruse, and disgust!!!!!!!!!!!!

                    Gather round, dolls, with your coffee cups!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                     57. Dress Differently From The Other Girls In The Office--I really like this one.  I mean, while all your coworkers are dressing like Miss Spinster Secretary of 1957, you go the extra mile, coming in with Hermes, and other designers, looking as though you should not be working there, because you look like Lee Radziwill!!!!!!!!!!!!   And what would Lee be doing, in a secretarial pool????????????  Are you kidding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Show everyone how better you are than they!!!!!!!!!!!!

                   59. Watch Your Vocabulary--This is a tricky one.  You don't want to sound too intelligent, because intelligence scares suitors away.  You don't want to sound too trendy.  You should just sigh, and take all your cues from him, praising his use of big words that you don't know the meaning of, and, before you know it, you will be crossing the threshold of his apartment.   But go slow, once you get there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                   62.  Don't Tell Him About Your Allergies--At least, not until after the wedding, when it it is too late.  No one divorced over allergies, but many an engagement can and might break up.  Oh, girls, no one wants a Debbie Downer.  And if you are a feminist, and read Joan Didion, hide those works when he comes to visit you.  Not that he will know who Joan is, anyway.  But if he peruses a volume, even he will recognize she is a downer, and that will put the kabash on the romance!!!!!!!!!!!!

                  64. Buy A Full Length Mirror, And Take A Good Look, Before You Go Out To Greet Him--

Oh, my God!  Remember Barbara Bates, as Phoebe, at the end of "All About Eve?"  Now, you better believe she had it right, though she was going for Award Gold, not a husband!  But this can work for both!  She had  not just one mirror, but multiples, so she could look at duplicates of herself from every angle!  This is the smart way to check yourselves over, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!  Then you won't miss a stitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

65. Change The Shade Of Your Stockings, And Be Sure To Keep The Seams Straight!!!!!!!!!--

Men like to look at calves, girls, and I do not mean the bovine kind.  I mean, even at the end of the 2005 "Pride And Prejudice," with Keira Knightley, there was Elizabeth Bennett stroking Mr. D'Arcy's calf on the porch, during a rainstorm!!!!!!!!!  Horrors!  Because--there is NO calf stroking in Jane Austen!!!!!!!!!!!!

But stockings are important.  No fish nets, because you do not want to look like a cheap slut, unless you are going to a costume party as Black Canary!!!!!!!!!!!!  Sheer flesh and black that show plenty of leg, especially the calves, are the order of the day.  Make sure the shoes match!  Then, he will not be able to take his eyes off you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's all for now, girls!!!!!!!!!!   More tips to come, in the near future!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Find a husband!   You can do it, girls!

I mean,,,,,guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, My God!!!!!!!!!!!!! Look What Movie Turns 50 This Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                      I can remember how, when I was 14, I was filled with anticipation over this film.  At an age when I believed expense meant quality, this film, at $20 million, was the most expensive musical ever filmed, in its day!  I knew it just had to succeed!!!!!!!!!!!!  

                                       The morning it opened, my late friend, Doug, and I, were on the phone, reading the Daily New review to each other, planning when to see it, because it got "four stars....FOUR STARS...by Wanda Hale!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  Who, at the time, I wanted to be.

                                         Alas, when I finally saw the film, what camp!  Though pricey, it looked cheesy, and the circular design of the poster was camp when it issued.

                                         All across America, whenever it played, and BARBRA descended the Harmonia Garden stairs in that cheap looking gold lame dress, some disgruntled Theater Queen would always scream out, "Modess….because!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

                                          It happened at my screening!  And, no, I was not the screamer!!!!!!!!!!!

                                          Will this be given an anniversary screening?  Are you kidding?  With Carol Channing, having just passed, and the lights dimmed for her, last night??????????????

                                             No way, Jose!  Even BABS wants to forget THIS one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who Knew Last Year's Horror Film, "The Nun," Was Actually A Biopic Of Nancy Peolosi???????????????????

                                 You know, there really IS "Fake News," out there, and it has a name.  It is called the "FOX Network!"

                                    My real news comes from reality...namely "Saturday Night Live!!!!!!!!!!!"

                                    Where, and when,  I learned this movie from last year was actually a biography of Nancy Peolsi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                       Poor Nancy!  She is trying to fight a good fight, but looks as if she should be home, putting meatballs and marinara sauce, on her family's table!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                         I saw "The Nun" last year. Some of it was hilarious, some of it well made.

                                         But now I have to see it under THIS context!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                          Keep it up, Nancy!  We LOVE you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Now, Shop Rite Does The Can Can, Selling Lots Of Cans Of Vegetables In Can Cans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

                                    Remember the "tasty corn, asparagus," girls?

                                    Shop Rite's "Can Can " commercials are a brilliant return to the distinctly American middle class supermarket milieu of my childhood.  Shop Rite....Acme....Grand Union...oh, my God, I thought the area of Jersey where I grew up was nothing but supermarkets??????????

                                       Was my future destined for working in a supermarket?  Horrors, no???????????

                                        But the commercials are creative, fun, and nostalgic for some of us.  And this has been their main ad gimmick for decades, and it still works.

                                         That makes some kind of record. Whomever came up with this was brilliant, and, I hope, landed a gold mine of money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It just makes me want to walk into a Shop Rite, right now, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!

Portrait Of A Loser!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                               This week's column almost chose its own candidate, darlings.  With the year barely two weeks old, Jake Patterson is already looking good as one of the top Bitches Of The Year.
For now, at least, he is the winner of The Raving Queen Bitch Of The Week Award.

                                  He is some loser who worked at a cheese factory--isn't that ironic, dolls?--and saw Jayme Closs, a 13-year-old girl, get off a bus, and was instantly obsessed with her.

                                   Obviously, Jake, you could never get a date or get laid.  So you decided this was the way?  You sick, twisted FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                     Now, let me say, not all computer nerds are psychos.  What I want to know is, where are the parents in all this?  The father reaches out to the family, the grandfather continuously defends his grandson, saying he is "quiet and shy," and, meanwhile, where is the mother?  Is there a mother?  Did she die?  Or did she leave because she was aware of what she was dealing with?  My guess is the last.

                                      On October 15, Jake murdered Jayme's parents, Denise and James Closs, then took Jayme to his home, where he kept and hid her for 87 days, till the brave, smart girl, escaped.

                                        She was hidden in a cabin in Gordon, Wisconsin.  She was forced to stay under a bed for twelve hours at a time, no food or bathroom breaks.  There is no evidence that Jayme was sexually assaulted--which surprises me!!!!!!!!!!--and Patterson threatened her with harm if she made herself visible.

                                         This sick thing should be locked up, with real butch inmates, who will cornhole him!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Let him know what it was like for Jayme!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                         What kind of a loser are you, Jake?  Never screwed a girl, and now you have screwed yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                            Which is what bitches, of all types, do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!