Darlings, We'll Turn Manhattan Into An Isle Of Joy!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, let's face it, only I would connect this lyric with a serial killer! That is because I am coming down the home stretch on C.E. Lawrence's "Silent Screams," and the serial killer herein is referencing that song, so I am referencing it in turn. Darlings, this may be a day of rest, but what with cleaning, making the bathroom SPARKLE, which all you girls had better make sure it does; after all, it is where we spend all of our time trying to look our most glamourous for our men--if we have any!!!!!!!!!

This morning I was talking to my friend Rob, one of New Jersery's most artistic and influential choreographers, and the Amy Adams of his community, Mahwah, NJ, and he said that love and fame are the same--we want them, but they never come to us when we are looking for them. So I ask you, darling, just what is a girl to do?

Remember when Liza sang "New York, New York," back in 1977? Not just the year of Son of Sam, and "Annie: opening on Broadway, but the year I graduated from college deas--yes, that is right, and "cum laude" I will have you know, so fuck you to those bitch teachers in Jersey!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, you know the line "If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere?" Hell, some of us sing that line now better than Liza, including yours truly, sweets! But the lyric is a falsity--because those of us who come to New York to make it do so because they simply cannot make it anywhere else. I am certainly proof of that. Like when that bitch on my street, Gloria Shapiro, who became Gloria Schwartz when she married Carl Schwartz whose family owned a local furiniture chain, said she was beginning to believe I was "not real." Just because my interests in arts and litereature were too goddmaned sophisticated and beyond that fucking town!!!! Well, fuck you bitch, I hope your hair is falling out, you are haggard and old, and ready for the canners. You were no Blythe Danner, anyway, though you thought you were that sexually empowered bitch Erica Jong from all the books you had on here in your house. Beat it, Gloria!!!!!!!!!!!

You better believe it is payback time for some people. But right now in the present I have to think about eating something, getting into the city to visit John, and then sing my little heart out tonight.

And to some of my readers be careful--we are through January, one twelfth of 2010 gotten through, BUT tomorrow is Candlemass Eve, so if you are a virgin--are any of MY readers virgins? Darlings, I am PURE, but I am no virgin--watch out! And the next day is Groundhog's Day, the midpoinnt of winter, and also St. Blaise Day, which means pay attention to your throats, which I know all you gay guys do; it is how some of you out there make your living--and I don't mean opera, loves. And then the next day, the third, is Blythe Danner's birthday. That acme of class and sophistication who defines ME, darling, will be 67 years old, and we should all look as good as Blythe when we reach that age. Which will be sometime for me, girls, because my PROFESSIONAL age is still 24!!!!!

But, as the song say, Tell Me On A Sunday, and have yourselves some fun. I love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Took A Whole Lot Of Tryin' Just To Get Up That Hill!!!!!!!!!

And, girls, you know it still takes a whole lot of tryin". Darlings, if you were young like I in the 70s'--well, at least younger than I am right now, girls--you just LOOOOOOOOOVED George and Weezy!!!!!! And you know George just deserved every time to have his fat, egotistical butt kicked and Weezy was just the gal to do it!!!! How I miss Isabel Sanford, lambs. But we have to keep trying, just like they did!!!!!!

Speaking of trying, darlings, these days my life feels like a lay (no pun intended, dears!) missionary. Just dinner with the Girls, nursing visits and church--that is what it has all come down to this winter, and I am telling you, a spring thaw is needed both physically and emotionally. David has been moved to Calvary Hospice in the Bronx, where he will reside until the angels come to take him home, which does not seem too far away now. Sending all my good wishes to David, praying for him, and know that we will always be on that rooftop, a la "Merrily.'

And still no word from the VOICE. Well, girls, we are branching out--I am mentioning this blog at every turn, and cards are going to be printed out advertising it. So the word will spread. dears, and then maybe some attention will be paid. Hey, it does not have to be the VOICE. If the Times or Observer want me, they can have me. Hell, I am such a whore for fame, anyone can--just call me, loves!!!!!!

But of course it is all about validation which I did not get in my Jesey hometown and by people like that bitch Norma Brodsky, so I WILL SHOW YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not to let our anger run away with us; we still have this day to get through!!! May you all have a fabulous one!!!!! And may the year improve as it continues!!!!!!!!!!!

Love to all, girls!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, "King Kong" Is The PERFECT Gay Movie!!!!!!!!!!

And I am talking about the 1933 original, not the little known or seen "King Dong," though of course I have always wondered about the Kong Dong myself, darlings! This is the movie all us girls can fantasize about--being chained to two pillars by muscular, "Mandingo" style native boys, and carried off into the jungle by a great, big, hairy beast!!!!! Sounds fabulous to me, lambs, especially that big, hairy beast.

Speaking of beasts, can you believe no one from the VOICE has acknowledged me? But if you think this will stop me here, my pets, you are mistaken. Last night Mike and I worked at the
Center, and didn't he look like the most exquisite cupcake, darlings, and it was so quiet not even the ever cute Mr. Conroy stopped by. Probably home on that cold winter night, entertaining himself with his stableful of boys, which, if I were any younger, I am sure I would be a part of, and I am sure he has his eye on Mike, who IS younger. This girl is simply going to curl up with
"Screams of Silence," a nice, relaxing, serial killer story, set in New York City. A serial killer in Gotham? Imagine that; though I am telling you he probably commutes to Secaucas, but does his SKing in NYC. Remember, girls, the truly great serial killers are out in the hinterlands.

I doubt if there are any virgins on here, but if there are,girls, lock up on Sunday, February 1. No, not because it is that bitch Lois Jackson's birthday (and she DID get her comeuppance, darlings!) but because it is Candlemass Eve, the night the witches mock the rituals of the Church--and sacrifice a VIRGIN!!!!!!! Now, I may be PURE, darlings, but I do not think the witches want anything to do with me. But if there are any of you out there, I am telling you, you better watch out, or you will find yourself spread out on a slab with Elizabeth Selwyn standing over you with a knife!!!!! And of course, darlings, to celebrate, we willl watch "Horror Hotel," which chronicles the aforementioned. More excitement than Valentine's Day, darlings--guess I will watch "Fatal Attraction" again on that one!!!!

So much anxiety about this year. But, girls, I am not through. So have a lovely weekend, and snuggle up to that cash register of yours, bitches!!!! I love you all!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Village Voice Can Go Kiss My Ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, you just aren't going to believe it! And after all I have done for you, my darlings, slaving away here, this is the thanks we all get??? Yesterday, the Voice hits the stands with the article "I BLOG NY," profiling eighteen urban bloggers and their work. Well, Miss Julie Powell, understandably, has gotten bigger than that, so she was not mentioned. But, most criminally speaking, neither was moi, and all the work gets done here!!!!! I mean, what is wrong with these people? This is one of the best blogs out there--distinctive, gay, darlings, you better believe THAT, and covering and examining things believe me no one else would? Instead, they choose someone who writes something called "Queens Is Crap." Now, I may have my issues living in the borough, but someone should have told this blogger the old adage about not shitting where you eat. They could learn that from "Moonstruck," girls. And you, my girls, would already know that. But these poor bengihted souls.....

Do you think this will stop me? Are you kidding? I have already fired off a heated letter to the Voice; let those chips fall where they may! I will be vindicated and get the 15 minutes to which I am entitled. We are not through, my girls, and you better believe I will not abandon my babies!!!!!!!!!! But with the glaring omission of this blog, the Voice fails in the crecdibility realm; it has been going downhill steadily for years, but now it has hit ROCK BOTTOM. Gentlemen of the Voice---UP YOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Much talk yesterday of panties, so let me put in a word for freeze dried panties, which seek to preserve freshness. I learned about this from watching Sissy Spacek in Robert Altman's 1977 film, "Three Women," one of many reasons to see this screen gem. Leaving those panties overnight in the fridge will make you feel so cool and crisp in the morining, especially in the summertime, and the freshness will last all day, girls!!!! So remember to freeze dry those panties!!!!!

Last night I had dinner with Virginia! Darlings, we girls dished and dished!!!! The food at the Village bistro was excellent, the wine flowed, which meant I tumbled out of bed this morning, a la Lillian Roth!!!!!!!! Darlings, I am tellilng you. So I need to sign off and take a rest, but not before checking out "Silent Screams," the first nice, relaxing serial killer story that I am going to read in 2010!!!!!!!!!!!

And J.D. Salinger has died, lambs!!! Let the literary battles begin now!!!

Happy reading, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, Just Get Up, Put On Those Fresh Panties, And Start The Day!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I know, I know--the alarm goes off, and you want to roll over and go "Uhhhhhhhhhh!" But you know you can't, girls, because while we may not make the same salary as Katie Couric or Amy Adams, we can do our best to be as pert and perky as these gals!!!! So just put your feet firmly on the floor, and tell yourself you are going to get up. Then make sure you have a fabulous cup of coffee, until you are so caffeinated you feel like Carol Lawrence!!!!!! Then you are ready for your intense beauty regimen and shower, after which you have to put on your warbrobe, darlings!!!! Now, the most important thing of all--make sure those panties are fresh, because no one can stand us girls in anything but fresh panties. I would not dream of walking out my door without them. And, believe me, I can tell just by looking who is wearing panties that aren't their freshest--cheapness come easily to such. And I am talking about panties, girls, not Depends!!! If that is what you need, then stay in and watch some June Allyson films on DVD!!!!!!!!!

Last night was simply a disaster, girls!! I schlep all the way downtown to the Waverly to meet my friend Doug (I should have sang "Frank Mills") but was completely thrown by our feature to see, "House," being sold out!!!! On a Tuesday night!!! With a script literally written by a child???? Are people that desperate for entertainment these days??? Is this what the economy has done to the cultural level of America. Ooops, sorry, it started long before THAT!!!!!!!!!! But, darlings, at least my panties were fresh!!!!!

Tonight I get to dine and dish with my friend Virginia, who is charm and graciousness itself.
She makes me look like an amateur, loves!!!!! Willl report back on how that goes. Meanwhile I am here, dressed in MY fresh panties and ready to start my day!!!! Have a fabulous one, loves,
amd remember toujour, toujour, l'amour!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, This Queen Lives In Queens!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, would you believe that some readers on here are scandalized that I live in Queens. Now, granted, lambs, it is not the Dakota, but that will have to wait for the rich husband, which you better believe I am working on right now. As the Misses Monore and Russell said in "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"---which is wear we ALL learn how to be girls, guys!--"...As long as the guy's a millionaire.!"

But it seems some, like Miss Park Avenue, she of the mysterious gender identity, cannot handle this salient fact about my residence. The first thing I should point out to her, or others who may agree with her is--darlings, you need a good facial astringent. I recommend Witch Hazel myself. And wash your face with Noxema, so its ingredients will seep into your skin, give you an allure you might not otherwise have.

Remembeer Camay soap, girsl? I do not think it is on the market. But how we all wanted to be the face on the Camay broche--just perfect, darlings!!!!! As an alternative I suggest getting your hands on a Dove Beauty Bar--the lovely scented pink if you are not allergic, the Sensitive Skin one, if, like me, girls, you are. Because while soap stains your skin, Dove creams your skin, and let me telll you, Miss Park Avenue certainly needs to get creamed!!!!!!!!!!!

Has it occured to anyone what I have brought to Queens? That with my sophistication, my brilliant array of books in a place hitherto where no one ever heard of them, plus my most glittering coutiere of designer clothes, I have raised the sophistication level of Queens hundreds of per cent, just by my presence alone!!!!! Not to mention my commute is a lot shorter than even some who live in Manhattan, darlings. No one can match my apartment for decor, girls, and you better believe I am the consummate hostess. I am talking Babe Paley, darlings!! That's right! You heard me, Babe Paley!!!!!

So until we have my house warming at the Dakota, loves, Queens will do just fine. Remember, girls, as the Divine DV (Diana Vreeland) said, "If you have a faucet, you can have a facial!!!!"

Almost tea time, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Things Are Really Heating Up On Here!!!!

....And I just don't mean my love life. Which is NOT heating up in any way, girls; it is as tepid as stale tea!!!! But we are certainly loved on here because some unsual responses of late have been pouring in. The first comes from someone called CathiMazz3432423, who seems bent out of shape about my comments on subway selfishness and my inability or unwillingness to tolerate human stupidity. I suggest this individual try living in NYC for awhile and see what transformation comes over them. I can guarantee you after a few days of subway selfishness, they will be ready to kick ass!!!!

And for this they have the nerve to say "God's mills grind slow but sure." Like I am some kind of serial killer, which believe me, I am not. Get a life, doll, wake up and smell the coffee!!!! Go play with Colorforms!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, I want to introduce you to a charming creature who calls itself morningsidemary.
Cute, huh? The first time I saw it, I thought, "Is that like Anytime Annie in "42nd Street?" Or Elizabeth Taylor as Gloria in "Butterfield 8?" No, I don't think so, she writes too well to be a tartlett, and I am sure lacks the attractiveness for sucn.

In fact, we are not sure if MSM, or Miss Park Avenue, as I prefer to call her, is indeed even a HER at all. There are two schools of thought here. One is that the creature is really an obese embittered Queen--not like this bitch, here, darling--who resembles either Divine or Philip Seymour Hoffman on his worst day (which doesn't take much!) and who sits at a computer in their underwear, fingers and keyboard stained with Cheez Doodle coating, jerking off to porno on the Internet. The other--and more likely probability is that said individual IS indeed a woman--but a pale, thin, angular spinster, along the lines of, say, Judith Evelyn as Miss Lonelyhearts in "Rear Window." In which case she should start to worry because Feb 1 is coming up, when a virgin has to be sacrificed to Satan for Candlemass Eve, and she just might be the only thing available!!!!!!!!

The poor thing insists I threatened to take her to task. Honey, I don't make threats. And I DID take her to task and will continue to do so for any unfit obstreperous behavior. Well, I am not to be trifiled with, Missy, so you had better mind your P's and Q's. Spend a weekend watching Hayley Mills movies; that should work wonders for you. Then a visit to the hair salon, which will do spritual wonders for you and CathiMazz.

My darlings certainly are articulate, no doubt about that. Not as articulate as moi, but that is why you have me here, girls!!!!! Hope you have a fabulous weekend, darlings. And if you dare to question my fabulousness, I swear to God I will bitch slap you silly with my panties!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love to all, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daddy, Dear, You Won't Know Your Daughter!!!!! She's Got A Lot of Livin' To Do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, "Bye Bye Birdie" was so much fun, despite some flawed work by Jon Stamos and Gina Gershon, who just did not have the musical theater chops to pull this off, weak choreography for Stamos, that made him look worse than he probably is, and the strangest, most comatose Mr.McAfee I have EVER seen from Bill Irwin, who undermined the showstopper that "Kids" is supposed to be. But the score and the teenagers carried it off, and darling it reminded me of my bedroom and Princess phone and how I still sing "How Lovely To Be A Woman" so often. But we all missed Ann Margret, darlings, because back in 1963, girls, we ALL wanted to be Ann Margret!!!!!!!!!

What a relief because things are not looking good for David, whose visitors have now been limited just to family and caregivers. I am expecting to get the call any day saying that David has--well, you know!!!!!!!!!

I finished my analysis of that evil bitch Charlotte Bayes, and no one will dare to question ME because I am RIGHT!!!!! And speaking of bad behavior, girls, you know I am FABULOUS and I expect to be treated as such because entitlement is ALL ABOUT ME!!!!! Do you know how I cannot stand getting onto a subway where selfish assholes refuse to move? Or standing in line where someone in front of you--not ME, girls--is so stupid they don't know what they are doing!
This is America, so fuck it. No wonder the Terrorisits laugh at us!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I have to pick up laundry, run into the City, pick up medicine and have dinner with Harvey. It is just One Day At A Time, like Bonnie Franklin says, so girls let's all get together and have a ball. And I am going to that damn morning meeting tomorrow!!!!!!!

And rest assured, kids, SOMEDAY I am going to tell the trash I was forced to associate in my childhood how much I resented it all!!!!!!

Have a nice day, girls!!!!! Chocolates go great with tea!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I Am Feeling SO Ann-Marget-ish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, from Amy Adams, to Ann-Margret, what is that all about. As Dinah Washington said, "What a difference a day makes!"

Actually all it means is that I am going to see "Bye Bye Birdie" tonight on Broadway at the Henry Miller Theatre. And of course, girls, we ALL remember the movie, with Ann-Margret singing the title song in the opening and closing sequences, running at us towards the screen. Girls, we all wanted to BE Ann-Margret, and let me tell you, whenever that film was on TV in our house, I would do that number in front of the television and run towards the camera!!!!!!!!!!!!
My poor parents! Even then, I did not give a fuck for social convention!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not that I am expecting miracles at this production tonight, which got horrendous reviews, and is going to close on Sunday. But a discounted tkt is not a thing to turn down, nor is an evening at the theater seeing a musical. So we will be on the aisle tonight, darlings, with a report on such tomorrow.

Things seem to be settling down in the bitch department, as they damn well better. I have to keep my bitch energy in good supply for when it is really needed. But, lambs, I need some emotional energy, what with David about to be transferred to a hospice, which means the end is coming, and John in the nursing home....I am telling you, what has my life turned into??? And all I wanted was to give fabulous parties, like Truman Capote!!!! Well that was ONE of the things I wanted. The other was to have my genius acknowledged, like Truman Capote!!!! And of course to have a husband!!!!!!!!! Rest assured, darlings, I am not through yet!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so up and at 'em this morning, my beauty regimen was done in record time, and now I almost feel as pert and perky as Katie Couric. Wish I was getting her salary. But you all have a fabulous day, darlings, and stay tuned for 'Birdie' tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cheers, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, It Made Me Feel Like A Princess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What did, girls? Why, the new Amy Adams movie, "Leap Year, of course." Darlings, this is OUR AMY as we love her at her most AMY--charming, attractive, and captivating anyone whose path she crosses. I am telling you, the opening scene, where she is getting fitted for the maroon dress--OH, MY GOD!!!! You just want to drink in every aspect of beauty that is Amy Adams, with that gown, and the red hair cascading over those alabaster shoulders!!!!!! Darlings, no wonder we all want to look like her!!!! Who wouldn't??? You think George Bush does not want to look like Amy Adams? The way HE looks NOW?????????

And last night we had book club at Audrey's, discussing "Orlando," and Audrey made use of her superb hostess skills as well. Actually, she is a lot like Amy Adams in this film--an urban career woman who crosses continents and conquers men!!!!! Wish that could be me, darling, but I have not seen anyone lately I want to conquer or want them to conquer me!!!!!!!

And that bitch Norma Brodsky, or whatever she is now! Turning up in my mother's cookbook--since when were they such close friends?--trying to prevent me from advancing with Dickens and Melville, which I will never forgive her for!!!! Goddamn education bitch!!! Leave me alone!!!! I should have been in National Honor Society!!!! I should be a lot further along!!!!!

But, as Bonnie Franklin says, it is just One Day At A Time, and this day is almost over.
Still harbouring culinary and lingerie fantasies of Mr. Stanley Tuccci; can you believe he did not win the Golden Globe??? Well, he is always a winner to me. As is the Divine Meryl, who DID win last night, and, honey, it is about time!!!!

See how Meryl keeps her skin, girls???? And at 60!!!!!!!!!! Now go out and do likewise!!!!!!!!!! We may not be able to be as Divine as Meryl, but we can spark the divinity that is in us!!!!!!!!

Love you all, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, E.Y. Harburg Was Right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Mozart died a pauper.
Homer begged for bread.
Genius pays you handsomely.
Always when you're dead."

Darlings, truer words were NEVER spoken, and you better believe this comes from the man who lyricized "Over The Rainbow." My point is I am quite aware and almost accepting of the knowlege that MY genius, like what I record on this blog, will go unrecognized until after I am dead. While this will not stop me while living from seeking my Entitled Fifteen Minutes, you better believe I am aware of the truth of the above.

Speaking of awareness, girls, we did get to visit John in the nursing home, and found him in relatively good spirits, though frail, as one must seem in such a dispiriting place. My visit with John was lovely; I should have ordered in tea, so maybe next time, but, darlings, when I was leaving in the elevator I found myself praying, "Please, God, take me before something happens to me like this!"

Then last night at Dignity we had the famed marriage feast at Cana. You better believe Mary--yes, girls, THE Mary--knew the score, the importance of having wine at a wedding, and she made damn sure Jesus did something about it. So drink one for Mary, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!

My roasted rooted veggies are waiting for lunch, maybe with some pasta and wine. Can you believe Stanley Tucci was robbed at last night's Golden Globes??? What is the poor man to do? Now he needs more comfort, and it is right here--we LOVE YOU, Stanley!!!!!! Fortunately the Divine Miss Meryl got awarded for "Julie and Julia." Stanley's time is coming, girls, mark my words, just like Amy Adams!!!! And speaking of Amy we are headed into the city to see her film TODAY!!!!!!

Nothing further from those attacking, wrong side of the track bitches!!!!! Guess they know better than to mess with this aristocratic bitch, girls!!!!!!!!! So have yourself an aristocracy of a day; get your hair done, and tea!!!!!!!!!!

See you, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, The Path To Spiritual Salvation Lies With The Gospel According To Bonnie Tyler!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, let me tell you, lately it seems every time I am out someplace I hear "Total Eclipse Of The Heart." Which I would love to sing on national television, and see Donna McKechnie dance to as a dance piece. It seems Bonnie is telling me to be strong and keep on persevering, as those of us who only wanna make it right do. But if I had a man, oh, honey, together we could take it to the end of the line!!!!!

Spent some time in the kitchen yesterday, girls--no, not with Stanley Tucci, though I was certainly channeling his spirit as well as Amy Adams--where I made a fabulous dish of roasted root vegetables!!!! So much to eat, and some nice wine to guzzle it down with. Hope I do not turn into Susan Hayward in "I'll Cry, Tomorrow," girls!!!!!!!!!!!

Got a late start this morning, so here I am girls, pounding this out, prior to visiting John in hte nursing home. I feel bad as I am the only one who has yet to do so, and while I dread it, I know I must!!!!!!! Heaven help John! I hope this does not happen to me!!!!!!!!

And we have a fabulous extra day of weekend, girls, so who knows what is possible! And we are still curling up with "The Moonstone" on these cold winter nights, and thank God for Mr. Wilkie Collins, who is perfection!!!!!!! To think four years ago this week is the annniversary of my London trip. It seems like forty years. And we all know how THAT turned out, don't we, lambs.

Can you believe one of those attacking bitches referred to me as "Little Miss Used To Be Rich Spinster?" Bitch, first of all I was born of the aristocracy and that will NEVER change, so I will conduct myself as the aristocracy always. Second, darling, the major characteristic of spinsterhood is repressed sexuallity, and, girls, NO ONE has or COULD EVER accuse me of THAT!!!!!!!!! So Miss Jealous Trailer Trash Bitch had better watch what she says, or I will knock the tease out of her hair.

I admdit that ninth grade slut from St Paul's, Chris Oswald, called me a stuck up snob, and you better believe she was right. That tramp should have been put in one of the Magdalene asylums; it would have done her good, because you know how she ended up? Being killed in a car accident, like Ginny Stamper in "Splendor In The Grass." Pay attention, darlings, because this is how girls like this end up, so make sure you conduct yourself with white gloves and like ladies of Miss Porter's, as I do, or else you do not have a chance!!!!!!!!!!!

So pray to Bonnie for salvation, sing 'Total Eclipse' and have a wonderful post weekend, girls!!!!!!! See you at the hair salon; I just got mine done and it looks FABULOUS!!!!!!!!!!

You keep looking fabulous too, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!1

Darlings, Sometimes Being A Bitch Has Its Advantages!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I have to admit I had such fun being a bitch yesterday. It certainly is cathartic. This is why I am always available to my friends; all I have to say to them is, "Do you need me to be a bitch?" in the case of getting some kind of results, and if the answer is yes, I am off and running, lambs!!! But of course 24/7 bitchiness is wearing on the energy so it is time to take a breather.

My breather will be in the kitchen, where I plan to cook a broccoli with pasta dish, and a chicken aux champignons!!!!! And to roast some root vegegtables. We will see how much of this gets done, darlings, but it IS a goal.

One word about my bitchy tirade yesterday--it is quite obvious I have irrevocab;e chilhood issues, and I was using my opportunity yesterdday to vent them. What I would rather vent is love on all of you, my darlings!!!!!!!!!

So curl up with some white wine and listen to "Hear Anita Bryant In Your Home Tonight" on CD!!!!!! Have you seen the 1960--that is 50 years ago, now--cover, girls? She looks just like Hilary Swank on it. Who knows, it could be Hilary's third Oscar role--a socially crazed evangelical fanatic and lounge level pop singer!!!!! I see another Oscar in Hilary's future, girls!!!!!!!

What I need to see in my future is a man!!! I still would like Stanley to come over and cook me a meal in his skivvies--MMMMMMMMMM , how delicious! The meal, or Stanley? Both!

But honey, my life is like Bonnie Tyler and "Total Eclipse of the Heart"" --"I don't know what to do/I'm always in the dark/Living like a fireplug and giving off sparks!/Forever's gonna start tonight/Forever's gonna start tonight!"

I must be headed for some kind of breakdown, if I am quoting Bonnie Tyler. Oh, well, it is January. but today we ar halfway through it, which means one twenty fourth of 2010!!!!!!!
Hats off, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember, I am SO fabulous. Keep telling yourself that and you will be fine!!!

Have a fantastic weekend, girls! I will be sure to let you know how the dishes turn out!

Girls, As Gena Rowlands Said In "Gloria"-- "Come on, Come on! I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Darlings, before we get to the above, let me tell you last night we had a simply fabulous night on the town under the kileg lights of Broadway at a preveiwe performance of Donald Margulies' new play, "Time Stands Still," starring the fabulous as always Laura Linney, and backed up by an interesting cast including Brian D'Arcy James (first time seeing him in a non-musical, loves!), Eric Bogosian (yes, girls, the playwright, acting, and he was pretty good), and Alicia Silverstone, who surprised me by seeming to understand what she was doing onstage!!!! A good time was had by all, loves, and I wore my designer sweater, darlings!!!!

Now let me tell you. Just when you think there is nothing to write about, along comes material. And that material is a bit of controversey. It seems one of my entries "What Accounts For Things, I Wonder?" back in August, has aroused some ire among some readers, who made this clear outside of here. I welcomed their comments, though I wish they had commented on such here--that is what all this is for, loves--but now it is time for me to set the record straight!!!!!!!!!!

So here goes:

What I say on here I have a perfect right to say. No one is to question MY brilliance or the Oracle that is this blog!!!! I am fabulous, darlings, because I AM fabulous, I was BORN fabulous, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Can you believe some bitch had the nerve to say "Quel domage?" to ME, in reference to Park Avenue? Listen, bitch, don't "Quel domage!" me, or I will "Quel domage!" you! For your information, Missy, I know a lot more about Park Avenue, than you do, because, while I may not reside there, I know and have visited others who do, so I have been along that thoroughfare longer than you probably have been in your trashy park trailer, with your overweight, tattooed, beer guzzling, motorcycle boyfriend who simultaneously beats you and paws at your panties, treating you like the slut you are! Two couch potatoes watching low class TV shows, and you try to tell ME about Park Avenue!!!! Get your nails done, sweetie, because you would never pass muster at Miss Porter's!!!!!

Another reader--and this bothered me more than Miss Park Avenue--could not understand my cursive writing story, thought I was inventing a Tolkeinesque alpahab et. To be fair, girls, let me be clear here. At the time, darlings--first grade--even I had not read Tolkein yet--but what I was doing was trying to simulate handwriting as best I could, having not yet learned the handwriting alphapbet. So I used block print, joined letters together with lines, to illustrate that I was trying to connect letters together, the way cursive does, and the dumb bitch teacher does not grasp this. Well, fuck her, and fuck you, bitch, for being as stupid as she in not understanding this?

What else? Oh, yes, about Honor Society--one reader said there are plenty of honors for those in choir, newpaper, Drama, etc, and they ARE right about that. And I DID recieve some of those honors. But my point was I had the grades AND the activities necessary, I was judged eligible for consideration, but for other reasons was exluded from what should have been mine.

Bitches, who the hell are you to judge me??? It is MY life, not yours , so FUCK YOU!!!!!

Oh, yes, darlings, other points of clarification. Readers are confused as to whether I am
a HE or a SHE; if you read carefully, darlings, you will note that I am a HE. The thought of me
as heterosexual--horrors!!!!!!!!!!

The other point concerns a reader who insisted if I was so smart I should have been in private school and gone to an Ivy League college. And in theory they too WERE right. But let me explain--while my parents may have misjudged me educationally, they had more than that on their plate to deal with. Because, darlings, I was not a full term infant; I was born two months, premature, spent two weeks in an incubator, getting ready to face my public, darlings, and with that came a myriad of health problems, including a congential heart defect that had to be corrected before puberty, or else you would not be reading this now. So my parents' PRIORTIY was simply keeping me alive, which allowed for other things to slide unattended. It took me years to understand and get over this, but it factors into the equation, girls. As a result, I was sickly, and not the most confident, independent, sort, at the time, so going away to a private school, or even long distance for college was something due to the aforementioned I was simply NOT ready for. And as for the Ivy League, girls, I WAS accepted at Dartmouth, so there, you bitches!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I have covered everything. Except, to get light and consolidate my gay male status, how I would LOVE to have Stanley Tucci come to my house and cook me a meal--in his underwear????

All right, you bitches???? Now you know why I put that quote in the subject bar--I am not afraid to take anyone on, and that includes serial killers. With my life, it is by the grace of God I did not become one. But I love animals, and can't stand blood!!!!!

What do you think of THAT, bitches!!! Have a great weekend, girls!!!!!! Love to all
my darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, You Had Better Believe There Are NO Clouds In MY Coffee!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, the first thing I want to tell you is IF Conan O'Brien walks I will take his spot! I am quite willing to assume the mantle alongside LENO and I will bring my own staff, and even do "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" live on National television!!!! An event for the AGES, darlings!!!!!!!!!

Tonight, we are doing our first Broadway excursion of 2010, "Time Stands Still," starring the fabulous Laura Linney, whom we just love seeing onstage. And in the historic Biltmore Theatre, the same stage where Shelley Plimpton--yes, darlings--sang "Frank Mills" in "HAIR." Wish I could sing it onstage in the revival.

And we have so many recipies gathered to cook this weekend, lambs, it looks like it will be a cooking filled weekend. Maybe permeated with lots of wine, so I can drink myself into a stupor.

Because we found out the cause of Monica's mysterious death--it was a blood clot she did not know she had. How could she, when she just thought it was an old dance injury. Because when you dance, darlings, injuries just flare up. You just ask Donna McKechnie about that, and she will tell you. Speaking of Donna, I believe she is in town this weekend, and you know who is going to make a trek and pay homage to her, in between shopping, cooking and all the hosptial visits I have to do. Girls, how do I do it? And I am hardly young, though my professional age is 24!!!!!

But get my NBC right away, girls, because if Conan walks, honey, I am ready!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well. Girls, If We Have To Go To The Doctor, At Least We Can Go Looking Gorgeous!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, what a day this has turned out to be. First I am up at 5am--yes, darlings, you would think I had a make-up call or had to be on the set--but no, it was just for an 8:30 appt with the endocrinologist for my annual thyroid exam!!!!! And things seemed to check out. But then I had to look forward to working till 8PM this evening, and then high tailing it out to Audrey's in Brooklyn Heights for the Book Group. I mean, darlings, I would not get home till 11 tonight; I might as well have been in front of the cameras all day!! And with this winter, and my skin!!!!

But--as it turend out--Audrey cancelled, due to illness, which pushes things back next week, which actually works out better for me. So I will not be home too late tonight, but enough time to have a bit with the Girls!!!!!

Good thing, because I have the theater on Wednesday and the Center on Thursday.

So I figured, at least I could look gorgeous for the doctor, and make myself feel good. So, lambs, I went dressed in my fairly new Tommy Helfiger sweater, which is so special, darlings, and it looks just FABULOUS on me!!!!!! I am sure you all look fabuloous, too!!!!

I am working hard, girls, to input fiction on here. I am working that short story I have been toiling on for so long, and someday I will announce its appearance, and won't you all be surprised.
Meanwhile, I will just keep chronicling my health and beauty tips, girls, not to mention this fabulous Broccoli Pasta recipie I was just sent. Darlings, this weekend, the kitchen will be OURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kisses, loves!

Darlings, How Could We NOT Relate To "The Young Victoria????"

Darlings, last night my cherub and I went to see this film, and let me tell you, girls, this Raving Queen from Queens just loved it. I mean, who wouldn't? Gorgeous gowns, lavish palace sets, walking up and down the stairs holding hands...I mean, lambs, it was just my like privilged Highland Park childhood on the North Side. That's right, darlings, the North Side. Make no mistake about THAT???? So what if the dialogue was clunky and the music score repetitive? With Emily Blunt giving a lovely performance, Rupert Friend looking hot, and all the sumptuousness, this is something for all us girls to just sit back and enjoy. It will make you want to visit the hair salon or fashion designer after you see it. Or at least have high tea!!!!!! And let me tell you, with what followed, it was a blessed relief to have seen this film.

What followed was that when I got home I had a phone message from Judy, the caregiver, on my terminally ill friend, David. Friday at work he collapsed, is back in the hospital, and, darlings, the cancer has spread to his lung and brains, which basically means toot toot, Tootsie, goodbye. But David is rallying as I would and Brooke Hayward. So I am going to visit him this eve, while he is still cognizant of people and places around him, though who knows for how long????

So let's hope David hangs on for awhile, but if it is time, so be it. Darlings, I am telling you, if my Afterlife does not resemble a VOGUE layout, with lots of books to read, well then, I might as well go back on earth and work for the government!!!! I mean, fat chance, darlings, what with me being a big, old, practicing homosexual!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, time to get going here! Stay tuned for further details, and perhaps this queen may--please God--see some results in 2010. But just one day at a time, like Bonnie Franklin, darlings, because that is all we can take!!!!!!

Girls, We Have Made It Through The First Week Of 2010, And Already We Are Longing For A Weekend Or A Holiday!!!!!!

Darlings, there is no other way to describe it; the week began with a stunner. Yesterday afternoon at work came an email informing us that Monica Mosely, who had been a dance professional since I started at my workplace back in 1981, was found dead in her apartment, apparently of medical rather than malevolent causes, which have not been determined yet. She was approximately 8-10 years older than moi, girls, which would have put her somewhere in her early to mid sixties. I am telling you, when it is your time, it is your time. She was supposed to be enroute to Paris instead of the Great Beyond, but Destiny had other plans for Monica. She will be missed, hardly a month went by she did not pass through working on various projects and I am sure keeping up with her dance, darlings. Just goes to show, girls, one day a t a time, like Bonnie Franklin said, and make the most of it!!!!

So today, what do we have to do? This, the doctor's, the new Amy Adams Movie--oh my God!!!!!!!!!--a meeting and movie with the cherub and dinner. And my father is supposed to fly back to Florida, much I am sure to his and my sister;s relief. Girls, 2010 is sure kicking offl with some improvement, though, no dental visits for awhile, so maybe I can catch up. I need a visit to Manducatis, wine, and of course a hot bod. I am still thinking about Stanley Tucci, though last night, after hearing about Baayork's new project, I dreamt of Charlotte D'Ambroise. I want to be Baayork's asst on "Flower Drum Song;" honey, can I do "Grant Avenue!!!!!!"

But speaking of avenues, girls, I better get going so I can cover all the terrain. The weekend is almost here, and we got through Jan 4, so let us be grateful, girls!!!!

Cheers to all, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, In This Cold Weather, We Have To Do Our Best To Look Like Julie Christie!!!!!!!

Darlings, who could forget her in "Doctor Zhivago" as Lara? Back in the '60s, lambs, we all wanted to look like her, wear our hair like her. You can bet that during that shoot and from then on Miss Christie has taken damn good care of herself, for let me tell you, as the grandmother in "Finding Neverland," she is the best damn looking grandma I have ever seen. So you had better believe that she moisturizes every morning, especially on these cold winter ones. So I am telling you, girls, you had better too, else you do not stand a chance. And guard your body with hot Cream Of Wheat, especially if you want your body to STAY hot, which it has to, girls, if you are ever going to get another HOT body!!!!!! As for me, it is a hot BODY I need, not a hot TODDY, though guess what I end up getting more of?

Well, today the Holiday Season officially says good-bye, what with January 6, the Epiphany, now upon us. I am telling you, girls, before you know it 2010 will just sail right by. OK with me.
But not before Friday when the new Amy Adams film opens, where she will be SO stunning no one will care a bit about the film. And Amy in that green dress, OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If Peter Jackson thinks the Afterlife looks like 60s pop album covers he is full of it! I can tell you what MINE is going to look like. It is going to be a VOGUE fashion layout, darling, with lots of bookshelves. Now that is MY idea of the Afterlife!

Another idea would be to go on a date with Stanely Tucci. He's available, he's hot, wouldn't we love to have his body next to ours, girls, and he is a FABULOUS cook! Who could ask for more?

So, girls, have a fabulous Epiphany, and remembeer the holidays will be back before it seems we blink an eye!

Blink this, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, Don't Let Him Paw Your Panties On That All Important First Date!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Oh my God What is that?
Help me! It's blond!!!!!!!
It's HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Is this me with one of my bi-polar, drug addicted dates? My cherub in the back seat of a car
with one of his more amourous boyfriends?

No, darlings, these words were uttered the other night by my friend Mark from his domicile in Ridgewood, Queens. Now, the thing about Mark--what a sweet child it t'si. And he is the beatingest, chile', I done tell you, lambs! What a challenge. And cute??? Honey, he is as cute as Gollum in "Lord Of The Rings," and we just LOVE Gollum.

Well, the other night I called Mark, to wish him a Happy New Year. You can bet on New Years Eve he was the New Year Baby!!!!! In the middle of our talk, he became panic stricken, when he thought he saw something on the porch. Suddenly, he began uttering those words. I simply told Mark to calm down; it was probably one of his sordid sex buddies trying to climb in through the window and get at him. But, no, he insists--INSISTS, darlings--that it was a giant racooon!!!! Now, honestly, Mark is not an alkie, so I do not think he was drinking, but he does have some prowess at the kitchen range, and I have to wonder if he has been of late--it has been the holdiays, after all--nipping on the cooking sherry a bit too readily!!!!!!! I mean, how big do raccoons get. They do not get ENORMOUS!!!!!! To hear him talk, you would think it was "Night Of The Lepus" over at his house! He should be so lucky!!!!!!!

Somehow I got Mark to a rational state. But this is a warning girls. Mark has never learencd the value of the adage "Too many rings around Rosie will never get Rosie a ring!" His panties are available for the asking. A cheap cocktail or peanut.

Let this be a warning, girls! Do not let anyone paw your panties on the first date, or you too will be hallucinating giant mutants on your front porch. Believe me, darling, my crotch is like an Iron Maiden. No one DARES touch my panties, unless directed!!!! And if they try, they are soon directed to hit the road!!!!

Time for me to hit the road now, girls! Stay fresh in your panties, loves!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I Am No Wing-Tip The Spick!!!!!!!!

Now, girls, before anyone out there calls me a racist, note the spelling of the last word. Note also that I am for equal opportunity, meaning at my house the servants come in through their own entrance, but other than than that I don't care what all!!!!!

So let me explain. Wing-Tip the Spick is a character in the Carl Sandburg story "The Village of Cream Puffs," one of my favorites since childhood. She lives in the Village of Liver and Onions, and is definitely a girl fromt the wrong side of the tracks. Her more well-to do-uncles live in the Village of Cream Puffs, and her mother one day sends her to visit them, not only for social betterment, but because it is a more appealing place and mother wants what is best for her daughter. The Village is attached to a rope attached to gigantic spool, because, during spring, when the March winds act up, the Village can sometimes be lifted into the air, and would float away, if not for this contivance.

Darlings, it is a fabulous story! Now, why am I thinking cream puffs. Because, lambs, on New Years Night, to coin a phrase, i dreamed a dream!!!!!!!!!!!

In this dream, I was in an imaginary office. On one end of the room I was seated behind a desk, at another, on the other end, sat Grotesque Creature. A customer came in, asked for my assitance, and promptly left. Whereupon Grotesque Creature approaches me, and in typical fashion proceeds to go on about what I should or should not have done, having no knowledge of what to do themselves in the first place.

At this point I stand up, face Grotesque Creature, and say pointedly, "Bitch, I have had just about enough from YOU!" Whereupon my left hand goes around its neck and squeezes furiously, while my right hand delivers a mean right hook that sends Grotesque Creature sprawling to the floor, unconscious.

Magically, there appears a giant conveyor belt, in the center of which is an oven, and off to the side an enormous baking tray!!!!! I grease the tray, then place Grotesque Creature on it, and baste generously with butter. Remember, girls, this IS a dream! I notice the Creature stirring, when again by magic appears a cake funnel, the kind used by cake decorators. I jam said funnel into Grotesque Creature's mouth, and cry out, "Choke on it, bitch!" There is a sputtering and struggle for life, as the cream pours in, until only a dollop appears from the mouth, at which point Grotesque Creature is completely DEAD. I lift the baking tray, place it on the conveyor belt, and watch it go into the oven, where it bakes. After a period of time--somewhere between 30 and 60 minutes, the tray comes out of the oven, atop which is a lovely, golden, Jabba the Hut sized cream puff!!!! Isn't that precious, darlings! All that is missing is Sally Ann Howes as Truly Scrumptious in "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!" Maybe that is me, girls!!!
After all, I am as scrumptious as a cherry peach parfait!!!!

Anyway, I place the tray on a table, waiting for it to cool. Nearby is a butcher knife, the kind used by Norman Bates in "Psycho!" We love you, Norman! I pick up the knife and stab the center of the cream puff....and a pool of yellow custard oozes out!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Isn't that just precious, darlings? Let's see Steve Carrell and Company dramatize this on "The Office!" Wish Chaplin or Bunel were still here to make this into a film!!!!!!

You have NO idea how satisfying this one, girls. If only dreams really did come true!!!!

Maybe this is a portent that they will in 2010. Hope all your dreams come true, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HappY New Year, Darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, girls, here we are, the first day of 2010, and already I am reading my second book, "Lucky" by Alice Sebald, which may be one reason why I feel like such a bitch! The other is this dream I had last night about a certain Grotesque Creature, which shows how I truly feel about returning to work to associate with said Creature. But we just had a fabulous Brunch, darlings, and that Harvey is a Steel Magnolia. Now I just have to get through this January malaise that all that bodes for the forthcomig year is tragedy; hell, I have no idea, maybe I will even find a husband. Though I have my douts. But last night, girls, you better believe I was the New Year Baby, prancing around naked, and a good thing no one looked in or they might have had a coronary.

Of course it took me back to 27 years before, and to memories of Mrs. Tabachnik and her children.

It was New Years Eve 1982, and I was on my own in what would turn out to be the last year in my home town. My father was in Florida. I decided to have dinner at Tabachnik's, the local Jewish deli, go home, watch the festivities and go to bed. Well, during the meal, an argument broke out between Mrs. Tabachnik and her children. Apparently her son wanted to go into New York to the Times Square ball dropping, he and she were arguing, and his sister, also a teen but a year or two younger, was trying to maintian piece. Suddenly, the mother becomes overwrought and screams loudly, at the son, "Listen, if I hear you went into New York tonight, YOUR ball is going to drop!" Well, darling, the place was packed, but suddenly all talking stopped, silverware dropped, and there was completel silence. After a beat, the daughter turned to her mother and said, "Well, Ma, they heard THAT!"

I wonder whatever became of Mrs. Tabachnik and those children. Make sure your ball does not drop this year, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!