Darlings, I Am SO Lisa Douglas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, let me tell you, when I was a small child, and it was THE thing on television, "Green Acres" had me in thrall. By the third episode I knew the words to the theme song (as I knew the words to most TV show songs, and still do, darling!!!!!), and there was one particular set of lyrics I embraced. As though in anticipation of my life today, loves. It was when Lisa Douglas (Eva Gabor) sang--

"Neeeeeeeeew Yawk is wheah ah'd rahthuh stay!
Ah get allergic smelling hay!
Ah just adorrrrrrrrrrrre a penthouse view,
Dahling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue!!!!!!!"

And when Lisa threw open her door, and walked onto her terrace, I would stand right in front of the TV screen, engulfing it, aping all her gestures and intonations!!!!! Honey, this queen was off and running!!!!!!

With this kind of experience, how could I NOT have ended up in New York???? And, having just returned an hour ago from the wilds of Pennsylvania, after stuffing my face with Christmas goodies, heaping praise upon praise upon presents received, spending time at my sister's suburban enclave, my nephew and his wife's lovely children--darlings, it was fabulous, but I need a goddamn drink, the kind one can only get in New York!!!!! Thank God I had Monsieur Davide, "Great Expectations" and Miss Havisham.

Which helped, because over this period I saw two of the crappiest movies you could imagine. You heard about my father's and my movie experience several post ago. But LAST NIGHT Monsieur FORCED--that is right, girls, FORCED, help me! Mmmmf!!!!!!!!!!!!--to watching with him the excruciating "Sex And The City 2."

I ask you, loves, just how much crap can one take. And that Samantha; talk about acting like an overaged slut!!!! How much did she have to pay that hot thing to hump her at the end, because I can tell you, while Kim Cattrall is still rather attractive (and not a bad actress, if you catch her in Roman Polanski's "The Ghost Writer"), the character of Samantha Jones is ready for the glue factory, and in real life nothing g that hunky would ever hump a mound of fat like her!!!!! But this is just where it begins!!!!! Every outfit ANY of the characters wore was an insult to the fashion world and women!!!! Cynthia Nixon must have been channeling her lesbianism in the persona of Miranda, because she definitely looked lipstick!!!! Except in the white suit and hat, which appeared as though it emerged from the pages of an E.M.Forester novel!!!!! And Judy Davis had her beat for that look by a good twenty years!!!!!!

Don't even get me started on the karaoke version of "I Am Woman;" an insult to the song, Helen Reddy, and the women everywhere!!!!!! And Sarah Jessica "Horseface" Parker--what a spoiled bitch!!!! Petulant, whiny Yuppie Princess Carrie wants it all, and is satisfied with NOTHING!!!! I had to laugh, loves, when she unwrapped the book when first published, and fumed over the reviews!!!!!! Believe me, honey, SJP will never live to see the day she writes a book!!!!! Spare us that horror!!! It is bad enough having to look at her in junk like this!!!! I am telling you, the hat she first wears on the plane bound for Abba Dabba or whatever the Hell it is called--and who cares? who wants to go the Middle East??? What's wrong with the East Village???? The worst was Charlotte, who I wanted to strangle, and who should have been flung over a cliff!!!!! And her children!!!! Send them back to the Peace Corps!!!! Both of them looked like offspring from Pearl S. Buck novels??? Who gives a shit??????

The movie singlehandedly manages to insult women, lesbians, the Irish, gay men, straight men, children, and everything in between!!!! And that Aidan--beware of a too hot man, for there you know trouble lurks!!!!!! Haven't my girls learned enough from reading me??????

I was so glad when this tripe ended; I can only hope the producers don't beat this already dead horse, by coming up with a third movie!!!!! Hang these hags out to dry!!!!! But with the high percentage of women in New York, who think this is REAL LIFE, and try to live by it like it is the Gospel According To Luke (and not Luke Perry, girls!!!!!) you just know there will be a third movie!!!!!

Consider what happened when we first got back. Faced with a blinding blizzard of momentous proportions, it was all we could do to make our way to the store and apartment. I mean, I love to READ "Wuthering Heights"; I don;t want to LIVE it. And at the market, in front of us, in what is supposed to be the speed line, is this Yuppie Entitlement Bitch, with three times the amount we have, an attitude that demands the cashier bag it for her, but the most grungy looking skin and limp hair!!! You can just tell she is trying to work it for all it is NOT worth, trying so hard to be Miss Parker/Bradshaw, when in fact she may never have been, and certainly will not be now. But the city is just crawling with these female human cockroaches; if only Black Flag could exterminate, them!!!!!!!

But I should not complain, because a good time was had by all, I will have more stories to tell, and best of all the Raving Queen is back in New York, and on the beat!!!!!

You know what you can all beat, darlings!!!! Kiss!!!!!! Kiss!!!!!!!!!