Mr. Derfner, I Say You Should Write It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As any one of MY girls will know, the above is a paraphrase of a song lyric from the musical, "1776." Not a world beater by any means, hardly a classic, but a show that had a respectable run, a pleasant and intelligent sounding score, and most important gave Men In Musical Theater something to do. Let's face it, how many shows do that? Outside of "Guys And Dolls" or "How To Succeed.." few; no wonder so many theater queens want to play Mama Rose. You know, I do, darlings!!!! And you damn well know, with all respect to Patti, that "Gypsy" will not be fully put to rest, until I step into the part!!!!!!

Right now, I am snowbound at Monsieur Davide's: at least I am fresh and clean!!!! After this posting, I am going to curl up with "Great Expectations, and whisk myself away to the wonderful world of Victoriana, where it was only worthwhile being upper class--the clothes, the food, the eccentricity of Miss Havisham!!! I am telling you, honey, she paved the way for the two Edies!!!!!!

But right now, I want to talk about the wonderful world of Mr. Joel Derfner, because prior to my Dickens onslaught, I read his book, "Swish." Such a pretty cover, darlings; all pink and white, like something out of Cecil Beaton. And you know how I worship Cecil Beaton, girls; hell, if there had been any genetic justice, I would have been the child of Cecil Beaton and Diana Vreeland!!!! Which means that, while I would STILL be as sophisticated as I am (a genuine gift from God, loves!) I would also be reed thin and gorgeous!!!!! With their physiques, I COULD have been a dancer like Donna McKechnie!!!!!!!!!!

Alas.

Getting back to "Swish," it does confirm something I have always maintained--great hair (or at least attention getting tresses) is key to being published. Look what it did for Lauren Weisberger!!!! And Mr. Derfner certainly has an eye catching dome, a red so bright it could be used to flag down ships at sea, not to mention it would do Miss Belle Watling proud!!!!! He maintains it is real, and I for one, girls, cannot wait to find out!!!!! I promise you a full report.

Which begs the question of MY hair. At least, hons, I still have my natural color, even at this advanced age!!!! But how to call attention to it? When you are not Meryl Streep or Amy Adams, it is difficult!!! Should I do a Boy George, and wear red spikes on my head, with that red and yellow costume from the Rosie O'Donnell musical, "Taboo?" I think not, girls; I don't mind resembling a gay vesion of Sun Boy from the Legion of Super Heroes, but that hairstyle just flies in the face of all my Miss Porter standards. Do you think Princess Lee Radizwill would go out looking like that??? Duh, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's get back to "Swish," darlings, because the tome has a funny history in terms of my association with it. Somehow, its publication slipped me by. But when Monsieur first brought me to his place, naturally I checked out his bookshelves. (Warning to anyone I visit--bookshelves, not medicine cabinets, are what I check first. I don't care if you stash cocaine in the house, but I will NOT tolerate trash literature on the bookshelves!!!) In one pile of Monsieur's books, I saw "Swish"; the pink and white layout grabbed me. But I remember saying, "What on Earth is THIS doing here?" Just for the record, "Portnoy's Complaint" might be regarded (especially with the yellow cover) as fine literature, but there is no way I would EVER have that on my shelf!!!! I have my aesthetics to consider. So I lampooned "Swish" then and there!!!!!

I forgot about this quickly. But several months later, we were watching this faux reality show called "Girls With Boys Who Like Boys," or something to that effect!!! As stated previously, it could simply have been called "Fag Hags!" When who should one of the boys be, but one Joel Derfner, who Monsieur was quick to point out, wrote "Swish." And I believe Mr. D mentioned it in the broadcast!!!!

I was shocked, chagrined, but fascinated. Especially with idea of aspirations to being the Gayest Man Ever, a distinction I had claimed for myself since I first knew I was gay. Actually, I had been this all my life, but had not known it!!!!

So all of a sudden, I was SO keen to read this book!!! But would you believe--in the interim, Monsieur, somewhat ashamed of my literary temper tantrum, had had the book removed, from the premises!!!!! Talking about coming back to bite you on the ass!!!! So I had to hunt far and wide for a copy of my own; the Village Barnes and Noble came through. I settled down, and began to read!!!!!

Counting everything, "Swish" is divided into a dozen chapters. Let me say at the outset, he can write. When I saw the word "unfetishistically" used in print, I knew, but confirmation came with references to Jane Austen and Dorothy Parker!!!!!
When it came to Musical Theater, darlings, I was definitely "Six Degrees Of Separation" from him, having obtained a Master's at NYU (in Drama, not the Musical Theater Program), and taken with his irreverent approach to musicals that somehow demonstrates a knowledge of the classics, but is not going to fall into that "Spring Awakening" claptrap!!!! How much fun, I thought, it would be to discuss this subject with him--bet HE would go for my idea of musicalizing the 1958 Irish McCalla classic "She Demons!" And maybe, finally, I could get to BE a she demon!!!!
Whenever the film was aired on TV, I would act out the dance of the She Demons, as rendered by the Diana Nellis Dancers!!!! Hell, I would still like to do it.

There is also something to be said for having been raised in Charleston, South Carolina, because while the South may be a place from which many inevitably flee, its colorful history incorporates a literary heritage unsurpassed in this country. I know I will be shot for this, but do you think I give a shit???? You can keep your Hemingway, Fitzgerald and Steinbeck (save for "The Grapes Of Wrath and "East Of Eden"), because all the truly great American writers were the Southerners--Capote, Faulkner, Harper Lee, McCullers, Margaret Mitchell, Flannery 0'Connor, Donna Tartt and Eudora Welty, to name a few. No, you bitches, I am NOT including Anne Rice.

So Mr. D comes from a rich literary tradition, and it shows!!!!! I have to hand it to him, going from this to Harvard. Harvard has the distinction of being the only campus site I have visited to intimidate me, and that was when I was well past the college stage!!!! I admired Mr. Derfner's independence of spirit in being able to pick up and transition so well, because let me tell you, at eighteen I might have been bright, but emotionally I was just three steps beyond Laura Wingfield (hard to believe, my girls, I know, but it is true!!!!), which meant I was just not ready to go that far from home; I had to be somewhere so that if I needed to, I could return home at a moment's notice. Which is how I ended up at Seton Hall in South Orange, NJ. I have no regrets about going there; I only regret I was not ready enough to take advantage of not only what Seton Hall had to offer, but college as well.

But that was then. This is now. The other thing that fascinated me was Mr. Derfner's valedictory status. Hell, if I had graduated from a class of 53, I would have been there, too!!!! At least he skewered it to the administrators; you go, girl!!! I had to wait more than 30 years before I did that!!!!

All in all, "Swish was an enjoyable read, and I actually look forward to more from Mr. Derfner. If I did not like the aerobics chapter, that is my issue more than his. I will NEVER be athletic, and with the combination of middle age, being hypothyroid, plus the psychotronic meds I am on, slimming down to a size I would like--about Mr. Derfner's -- is pretty nigh impossible. I have done Yoga, and, honey, I am flexible, but, short of doing a full scale musical again, I cannot think of anything that would lose some weight. And then there is the problem of keeping it off. I am not going down that Karen Carpenter road, believe me; hell, I simply could not. But it would be fun to diss with Mr. D, and see, with his experience, what he might suggest, because, with his credentials, I would certainly follow it, even if I don't get to look like Gene Tierney in "Leave Her To Heaven."

I did think the chapter where he infiltrates a conference of "ex-gays" went on too long, and I for one do not endorse such nonsense. What these guys need is to sit through a screening of "Funny Girl" and then a good slap on their ass to send them on their way!!!!!!!!! Though I could relate up to a point; several years ago, at my LGBT Center, I infiltrated a meeting of what was then called the Log Cabin Club, and is now known by what it should have been all along--Gay Republicans!!!!!!
Now, THAT was scary, let me tell you! Not only were these men fashion challenged, but their philosophical musings would call into question their gayness; in many respects they were not that far removed from those Mr. D writes about at the conference!!!! And I, for one, found it frightening!!!! I mean, suppose I had stood up and done the Julie Andrews "Sound Of Music" opening twirl???? I might have been placed under House Arrest!!!!!!

But my views on what constitutes being gay is best saved for another time, darlings!!! Let me say, positively speaking, that I came away from "Swish" with a more favorable impression of Mr. Derfner. Girls, the things we could talk about--that cannot be talked about on here!!!!

So, to reiterate, Mr. Derfner can write, there is nothing shameful about "Swish," and I am proud to display it on my bookshelf!!!!! Believe me, it is better than that Michael Thomas Ford crap, which you could not even pay me to read, and is more insightful and honest than Andrew Sullivan and his hypocritical musings!!!!

I wish Mr. Derfner the best. And a promise to regale him at Riviera, when we meet! As for he and his partner, I wish them the best, that being a "Funny Girl" wedding!!!!

Just don't come down those stairs pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!