Won't You Join Me For Tea and Tartlets????

Darlings, even before the votes are in I am telling you--A.S. Byatt's "The Children's Book" is the literary event of this year, a Victorian cornucopia of literary references, stories withn stories and everything guaranteed to press the buttons of all us most dedicated literary readers. It also introduces--at least to me, girls!-- a new word called tartlets. These are pastried delicacies one has with high tea, only instead of being called tarts they are tartlets. Don't you just know I would love a little tartlet this minute; and not just the puff pastry kind. Hell, I have known throughout my life all shares of tarts AND tartlets; personally I would rather be considered a tartlet than a tart, though some might call me both. These are the same people whose first Broadway musical was "The Black Crook" when they were six years old.

So during this holiday season, in honor of this fabulous literary achievement, I propose a high tea filled with tartlets--and of course I will invite some of my own. What could be more scrumptious and cream filled, loves??? Hell, with the holidays upon us we needed as much cream filled stuff as we can take. Because this is the month when our figures, girls, go out the door, until spring when we have to don our Easter finery. But that seems a long way off till then. So meantime enjoy some tea and tartlets of your own, whether that be desert or the company you keep, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, The Holiday Season Is Offically Here!!!!!!!

"...when Santa Claus begins his flight,
I hope he gets a flat tonight!"
--"That Holiday Feeling", Steve Lawrence and Edyie Gorme


And don't we feel like those two fun loving kids, Steve and Edyie, now that the Holidays are upon us? Can you believe it, girls? Now it is time for us to supremely utlize our shopping skills, and select gifts for all our special someones, and maybe someones to be. This time of year flies by faster than the Judy Garland 1954 "A Star Is Born," which I am considering doing a remake of. Imagine ME playing Victor Lester and singing "Born In A Trunk!" Honey, I am telling you, I would win that Oscar that should have gone to Judy, and you can bet I would acknowledge that in my Oscar speech. How about Norma Maine, played by Amy Adams??? Darlings, I come up with better ideas than they do in Hollywood, though getting Heather Locklear back as Amanda (the bitch we ALL love) on "Melrose Place" was the most brilliant move of the TV season.
I wish Santa Baby would slip a man under my tree, but let's face it, the advent calendar has not been bought yet, there is lots of time, so who knows what is possible? After all, if I could have had a ghostly visitation--and wait till you hear about that, darlings--than who knows what else could happen. So while I am here everyone have a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend, finishing those leftovers and getting ready for even more goodies at Christmas. Let's hear it for the Nativity and the Rockettes! And I happen to believe the Rockettes were AT the Nativity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, How Am I Supposed To Wear A Girdle, After Yesterday???

Let me tell you, lambs, not only is having to work post Thanksgiving tough, but it is even touhger to have to squeeze into that goddamn girdle I have to wear at work, especially after gorging on all the lovely things we did yesterday. Thanksgiving is when we learn what Scarlett O'Hara REALLY went through in "Gone With The Wind," stuffing herself with viddles before the Twelve Oaks barbecue, and then being laced tightly into her corset by Mammy. Darlings, that is just what I was faced with this morning, because I still felt stuffed, and then I had to get into my girdle, so I could go to work!! And with no Mammy to help me!!! I need a loyal servant. Maybe a strapping houseboy in a loin cloth!!!!!

Thanksgiving was simply charming, what with the mild weather, Harvey at his most Harv ey-est, and seeing the Indie film "Staten Island," which made clear that that borough is a bedrock of insanity and that Vince D'Onofrio is heading from porker to the grotesquely obese!!! I mean, girls, what is his excuse? It isn't like he was doing a DeNiro playing Jake La Motta. Too much lasagna, Vince, darling!!! Of course, who are we to judege, as we don't have yet our Donna McKechnie "Chorus Line" figure, although, girls, believe me that is a goal for 2010!!!!! To think we have almost lived through a decade of the new century. Kiss this, Father Time!!!!!! And dinner at the Good Stuff was superb, and wasn't Valentine, our waiter, just the most charming thing??? I simply ADORE Valentine!!!!!!

But now it is time to get back to work and gear up for the holdiay season--shopping, parties and merriment. Do you know I have three parties on consecutive nights, darlings? My God, how am I going to do it? And what am I going to wear. I wish I could fly to Paris for designers--this is an emergency. Get me Oscar (de la Renta) on the phone, right now! We will just have to see how things turn out, everyone, and you can bet I will tell you all, darlings!

And how I will!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, We Have To Maximize and Market Our Special Talents!!!!!!!!

.....Because, darlings, I am tellling you, if this blog is NOT a special talent, well, then, I don't know what is. And this insight comes from, of all things, the book I am currently reading, which is #98 on this lamb's Hit Parade of book read this year--"Columbine" by Dave Cullen. Now, I am not about to justify teen massacres, but Cullen makes a good case for Dylan Klebold, that if he had steered clear of Eric Harris, he might still be here maximizing his talents. But then there is just no telling with brain chemistry, and, as twisted as mine might be, darlings, it never crossed over into murder or massacre. Though I think about outdoing many with my beauty and glamour A LOT>

Girls, after our meltdown yesterday, it is nice to know that things got resolved regarding the ID, leaving me free for such pursuits as cooking, reading and the Clearview Chelsea. We shall see what kind of free break we can get. And to think that tomorrow is turkey day, with Harvey. a movie, and the Good Stuff. I wish you all a wonderful day, girls!!!!!!! Gobble! Gobble! Gobble!
Be daring tomorrow, watch "The Giant Claw," which is basically about a giant turkey from outer space while noshing on your meal. Who needs a football game, anyway. Do you think Anna Wintour wastes her time on that? Hell, she will probably be at the VOGUE offices tomorrow, so wouldn't we all like to have Thanksgiving with ANNA? Now is not that a warm, cozy thought!
Personally, I would rather cozy up to Mr. Jake Gyllenhaal, but that remains to be seen.
So now it is time to get out and about! Have a great day, and if you do not hear from me tomorrow remember to maximize all that you have to the FULLEST!!!!

Darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

....And It Is Only Tuesday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Crazy things just keep happening, darlings, and what with Turkey Day approaching and then me having to work Friday and Saturday and closing out Special Collections, well I am telling you it is just too much. My day started, girls, with a major melt down over not finding my work ID, which is such bureaucratic BS, but then, lo and behold, where do I find it but at the Records Desk, so now I have to get up early anyway and go to SIBL, where no one wants to even be seen, and heaven knows what is going on. But at least I can read and relax for awhile, and see a Thanksgiving film and have a meal, though don't we all want to look like Maureen O'Hara in "Miracle On 34th Street." And can you believe, lambs, that neither THAT, nor "March of the Wooden Soldiers (with Laurel and Hardy and the Boogies in Boogieland) are scheduled to be aired for Thanksgiving TV. Traditions are just going out the window; I know some people who should do the same, but then they are done in by their assorted mental illnesses, so it all comes down to the same thing.

Have a lovely Thanksgiving, loves, and stay away from Cold Creamery. When I report back here girls, hopefully I will be more mellowed out, and less sleep deprived. Have a fabulous Turkey Day, everyone!!!!!

Girls, You Would Not Believe The Week I Have Had...

Darlings, Julie Powell's New Book Is Out!

Girls, it is here. It is called "Cleaving--A Story of Meat, Marriage and Obsession," and you know we all want to read the latest from Our Julie. Now if only Amy Adams would write a book.
But honestly, lambs, as the year runs down a plethora of literary bonbons hit the stands, and don't you know we cannot wait to see what the NYTimes picks at their Ten Best Books, especially with fiction. I am telling you here and now--if that Jonathan Tropper makes the Top Ten, which means the Top Ten in fiction, the Times is gong to hear it from me.

Are we ready for Thanksgiving, girls? Keep it simple and remember your wardrobe and makeup. Mine will be dinner and a film with a stunning applique to be sure. As to what movie, at this point, your guess is as good as mine.

Speaking of literature, the pressure is really on me! Coming down the home stretch on Julia Glass' "I See You Everywhere," an apocryphal title if ever there was one, I will be up to Book #97, meaning just three more to make my goal of 100! Can I do it? Stay tuned to find out!

And stay tuned for all sorts of things, loves, because Saturday night at Mike's party in the most godforsaken realm of Manhattan there was this bright spot in the person of this tasty morsel named Matthew, and wouldn't we like to find out how good he tastes! Bet he has been licked plenty of times! And Mike has the cutest, most adorable honeymoon cottage; and his decor is just perfect for him--quasi minimalist with a touch of domestic. His bathroom sparkled, which let me tell you is not the always the case in some apartments, and a good time was had by all. Capping off the evening was a wild lesbian ride uptown--now THOSE girls really know how to have fun, so YOU girls could well take a tip from them. In the meantime remember your beauty tips and have a wonderful evening as we slide into the festive Holiday season!

Ta ta, lambs!!!!!!!

Darlings, Our Social Whirl Has Us Exhausted!!!!!!!!

Well, girls, I got those tkts for "Finian's Rainbow." We will see it on December 9, and it is going to be SO exciting.

These week has been a whirl, what with MY gala birthday celebration on Wednesday, my friend Mike's this evening in a world apart from the universe I have never heard of called Maiden Lane, no less, where I hope THIS maiden is going to be safe, or at leas meet some big strong boys who will make me feel such. And then a brunch tomorrow at The Garage--honey, I must be operating on I don't know what because I am not doing those Judy Garland drugs. Maybe I could do her concert schedule after all!

Ah, yes, the post birthday letdown. When we realize it is simply just another year, and worry about the all unknowing future. This is where I am at right now, girls, and it is kind of scary!!!!!!
This is why we have to be social butterflies, because if we weren't we might be drug addicts instead. Or maybe I am already girls, if you count coffee and Mand M's!!!!!!

So my outfit this evening is a bit understated than planned because I did not want to upstage the host. But the social whirl is just kicking off, what with Thanksgiving and then the lead-in to Christmas, then Christmas itself, and then New Year's. And then we are back to square one.

Girls, I am telling you maintain yourselves at all times, because this is the season when we must shine our brightest, whether it lands us a husband or not!!!!! And if it does remember--my wedding gown is going to be Vera Wang!!!!

See you at party time, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, You Will Not Believe What Happened!!!!!

..........But it did, let me tell you!

Tuesday night, the evening before my natal day, the Chelsea Clearview was having a 70th anniversary screening of my all-time favorite film--yes, darlings, "The Wizard Of Oz!" You just know I bought my tkt a week in advance because I figured every queen or Oz nutso in the city would just be there for this sold out event! Well, the event was well attended, but it wasn't sold out. Surprise, surprise, girls!!!!

Now, the previews are running onscreen, the lights are down, when suddenly, this man, woman and the woman's daughter, who could not be more than 5, come running down the aisle, and plop themselves directly in front of me. You can be sure I was not happy, lambs, but this would not have been a problem IF the child in question was capable of settling down, which was clear to me in the first few minutes she was not. Which I could anticipate would be a problem and did become one, as the pre-movie documentary aired. Twice during such I politely "Ssshed" , and the mother at least grasped the situation and spoke something to the child, who for a time, settled down. The man responded by banging his chair seat back, as if trying to hit me. What the hell is that all about, I thought. I could see this was going to be a no-win situation.

My hunch was confirmed, because as the documentary wound down, the litle girl got up out of her seat and began wildly walking up and down the aisle beside us, in front of us, all about, while her adult figures, clearly over 30, just sat and did nothing!!!! Finally, not able to take it any other, I said firmly but minus malice, "Would someone please have that child sit down?"
Again, the mother seemed to grasp the situation, and took the child and moved to another, less congested part of the theater, where the tot's behavior would not disturb anyone. Wise woman. The man, before this, had turned around in his seat at me, and in a threatening manner, told me to "fuckin' stop talkin'." In hearing range of the child, with the F word; real classy!!!!! When the mother and child moved, he got up to follow, but not before turning to me and whispering in my ear, "I'll see YOU after the movie, outside the theater!"

Can you imagine? Being threatened at "The Wizard Of Oz?" A "Rambo" film, sure.
But this? Girls, I am not even sure this was the girl's father, my take on the situation was this guy was accompanying his girlfriend and daughter and Mr. Macho just wanted to show how macho he could be. Fortunately, the film started, and as always worked its magic. But when the lights came up, I knew I had to do something. Not only was I not going to be bitched out, I had no intention of being punched out. And for what? For his being a jerk?

So I told the concession aids, one of whom took me to the manager's office. I was asked for a desription of the guy, and gave it! You better believe it, honey!!!!! I was then offered two complimentary tkts good for any time, and, even more valuable, assurance I would be safe, because one of the security guards was asked to escort me to my subway stop, just a block away. He asked for a description too, saying to look around when we got outside, because if I saw him, the guard would deal with him then and there. But the jerk failed to materialize, which was good, though I would personally have loved to cause him some trouble too, and was clearly not following us, as I looked back once. I got to the subway, and that was that.

Why today's cultural consumers feel entitled to behave inappropriately is something I cannot fathom? Is it cell phones? The dumbing down of America? All of the above? Technnically speaking, I COULD have moved MY seat, but as I thought, why should I? I was there for serious reasons, as was most of the audience, and I had bought my tkt WELL IN ADVANCE. I felt I was being encroached on. Fortunately the management tht so, too.

So, girls, when you go to cultural events, try not sitting among idiots. As I have always said, loves, Tennesssee Williams told it like it was, and when he had Blanche say to Stella, "Don't hang back with the brutes," this is a perfect example of what was meant. And like Blanche, I refused, though I am not in the loony bin, yet.

No wonder I saw "God of Carnage" on my birthday, because on some subconscious level it gave me a safe channel for agressions I wanted to take out on this guy, which would have landed me somewhere. So I should thank the GOC cast for taking care of this for me, and I do.

But, darlings, when you go to an event, stand up for your cultural rights!!!!!!

And then have a wonderful luncheon, and get your nails done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Thank God I Am Homosexual!!!!

After seeing "God of Carnage," girls, I thanked God for the above so I don't have children, and nutso couples to deal with. This vehicle only proves that straight people don't behave any better or worse than gays, and let me tell you, you never saw such bitches. More expensive than a visit to your average S and M bar, but at least you can't catch vermin or an STD!!!! And such stunning set and costume design, unlike the bar where the S design stands for Sleaze!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, what a day I have tomorrow, what with errands, trying to get tkts to "Finian's Rainbow" and seeing "Precious" with the free movie tkts I won from an incidnet the other night that you won't believe, but I will telll you another time, girls, have no fear!!!!!

Right now I can't even processs having turned 55; I need to process about two Maragaritas and getting out of this girdle!!!!!!!

So have a lovely evening, loves, and remember to cold cream your face before bed!!!!

Happy Birthday To Donna McKechnie!!!!!

Darlings, today we celebrate the memory of the Greatest Showstopper In Broadway History. Make sure you limber up at the barre this morning, girls, and dance in honor of Donna!!!!!

What a week this has been! From the nastiness of the Film Forum shafting "Splendor In The Grass," to a tkt to "The Wizard of Oz"--my all-time fave, no less-- this has been one hell of a ride. And when am I supposed to get back in my kitchen. Then I arrive here for work early only to find I am working till 8!!!! I need to have my head examined. Or something!

Well, I cannot wait to see 'Oz' on the big screen again; who knows, with me due to turn 55 on Wednesday, it could be my last viewing. Now let's not get morbid, girls; after all, we have outlived Judy, though we don't nearly do as much drugs as she!!!!! As for the day, I am dining at Sant Ambrose, buying "The Children's Book" by A.S. Byatt, and then maybe see something at night! Anna Deavere Smith would be just perfect!!!!!!

Did you see that review for "Ragtime?" I told you it was better than the orginal!!!! No wonder Garth Drabinsky, now indicted, is just a footnote in theater history!!! Unlike Miss McKecchnie, who is and will always be an icon...and you can bet with the upcoming Broadway reavival of "Promises, Promises!"--yes, girls!!!!--she and Baayork will be at the center of the choreographic fray.

See what caaffeine does, lambs? It just makes me whizzzzzzzzz across this screen. Now it is time for all us to whizzzzzz to those dance barres and honor Donna!!!!!!!

Pivot step, walk, walk walk, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, You Can't Go Home Again!!!!!!

Well, darlings, I guess Thomas Wolfe was right. Because today in honor of my upcoming natal day, Tom, my cherub, and I went to a place that meant a lot to me during my childhood--Snuffy's Steakhouse in Scotch Plains, New Jersey. I remember right by my grandmother's house in North Brunswick was a billboard advertising "10, 000 miles to Hong Kong...only a few miles to Snuffy's!" My mother said it had been around when she was in nursing school back in the early 30s. And as a child I thought it was so magical, what with its wooden 1940s atmosphere and those table lamps, and then sophisticated things like shrimp cocktail.....my God it was right out of "Since You Went Away," and you could picture Claudette Colbert and Jospeh Cotten sitting nearby. Jennifer Jones!!!!!!!!!! Darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So today after almost 35 years, I find the place still thriving, but as a glorified reception palace known as Pantages Renaissance. We even saw some real Jersey bridesmaids, and, girls, their makeup was SO thick you just knew they WERE from Jersey!!!!!! And I finally had the sizzling T-Bone steak, which was most enjoyable!!! But, alas, as I found, the magic of my childhood could NOT be duplicated. So I suppose another 35 years will pass till my next visit.

But let me tell you, girls, that T Bone gave me more bone than I have had in awhile!!!!!! I need to get a husband and become a suburban housewife. And to think that on Tuesday evening, this Tuesday, when I am viewing "The Wizard Of Oz" at Chelsea, Heather Locklear is returning to "Melrose Place" as Amanda Woodward, the bitch we ALL love!!!! Darling, we all want to be like Amanda!!!!!!! Though let me tell you, NOTHING will top Sydney getting hit by a car at her wedding in her designer gown!!!!!!

I need a designer gown if I am going to catch a man, let alone celebrate my birthday!!!! For this year I wish peace and less stress. And weight loss so I can dance like Donna McKechnie, whose birthday is Monday. This is musical theater week, loves, because Sammy Williams' birthday was yesterday and we love him!!!

So tonight after wine and Snuffy's you can bet I can sleep tonight. But , lambs, I sure need to get more bone than Tbone. Stay tuned to see if I do!!!!!!!

Love to all, Girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Well, Girls, At Least I Got My Hair Done!!!

And, darlings, I am telling you, so fabulous a job did the barber do, that within minutes I was cruised. Yes, girls, I was actually cruised! Who would believe it?

Seems like I have done nothing all week but go to doctors who bleed me dry and tell me how my health is declining. And with me about to turn 55 in exactly seven dies! Countdown, lambs!!!

But I did manage to catch a screening of "The Red Shoes," and let me tell you, darlings, that film still holds up. Anton Walbrook is MY love as Boris Lemontiv, and my decision would certainly have been to dance for HIM!!!! That Marius Goring as Julian Kastner was such a WUSS!!!!! Vicky was a fool to die for him!! And the Film Forum on an afternoon was PACKED!!!! I am telling you this film is getting a Renaissance, and it is about time. It is homaged in "A Chorus Line," you better believe it!!!!!!! Why do I want to DANCE??? Why do I want to LIVE???? Because, darlings, I MUST!!!!!!!!! Donna knows about this, you better believe it, which is why she hits that barre every day!!!!!!!!

Now I have something else to report, loves. You may recall my take on Mr. Jonathan Troper and his novel. Well, now I am reading "Lost In The Meritocracy" by Will Kurn, and while it is not nearly as offensive as Troper's work, I have had it up to here with STRAIGHT WHITE MALE WRITERS and their success!!! What about gay male writers? Why every time the NY Times hails a promising new male writer he is always STRAIGHT!!! I am sick of STRAIGHT MEN hogging everything. What do they want to hog next, ballet? I don't think so, girls!!!! At least Kurn doesn't use disgusting words like "pussy," but he hangs his heterosexuality out for all to see!!!!!! Let us have some gay male writers acknowledged, starting with this one. At least David Leavitt gets praised when he turns out something, but he has not been so prolific of late. And speaking of prolific, I better stop before my newly elevated blood pressure gets even more so!!!!! Girls, I cannot tell you how sick I am of this hetero mythos in literature!!! I am out to destroy it and I will destory them!!!! Bitches and straights, get off my runway!!!!! Fuck you all!!!

How do you like all that, girls? More cheerful talk next time!!!!!

Girls, You Would Not Believe The Week I Have Had!!!!!

Darlings, I am telling you, no sooner do I get back to town then all Hell breaks lose. Of course another visit to the dentist, followed by another next week, not to mention two other doctor appts.--and I am not yet 60. Last night I saw Tracy Lett's new play "Superior Donuts," and darling it is a satisfying theater experience. My love life should only be such, but then who am I kidding? And now I hear Donna McKechnie, no less, is going to be at Barnes and Noble, so, honey, I have to hit that bar so I can dance for her!!!!! And tonight I am going to see "Ragtime," which I was not crazy about 11 years ago, let's see if this production makes a difference. And tomorrow I have to do laundry and errands and catch "A Streetcar Named Desire" at the Film Forum--girls, how do I do it, not being in my twenties anymore? Although my PROFESSIONAL age was an always will be 24!!!!!!!!! Never forget that, lambs? And speaking of lambs, we cannot wait to see "Precious," which I am sure will be as precious as due the moments we two have shared. Honestly, this study in deviance and obesity has been the toast of the film festival circuit, I cannot wait to see how self righteous New York audiences react to it.

And how am I going to react to not having new outfits for all the upcoming holiday parties. Plus what am I doing for Thanksgiving? And my birthday? Rest assured, girls, these will be celebrated, but how remains to be seen. To be answered in future installments, loves!!!!!!!!!