I Had A Dream, Girls!!!!!!

.....And it was simply Divine, darlings, in the tradition of Jennifer Jones and "The Song of Bernadette."

We used to have this lovely woman here at work named Fran, who was a saint!
I mean, Mary, Queen of All, hangs out with her, and visits on weekends. And Fran looks like a cross between Grace Kelly and Tippi Hedren in "The Birds," without being attacked.

In my dream, I was combing my hair, properly dressed, when Fran appears to me on a cloud, in the tradtion of the Annunciation, and decrees, "You will get a husband!" She doens't give his stats, or say when this will take place, but she offers hope! So all I can do is wait. I just hope it happens soon, because, as the line in "A Chorus Line" goes, "These bodies do not last for ever!" and I want to still have something to offer!

Make sure you have soemthing to offer, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Had A Dream, Girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Spy Wednesday, Girls!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me make this perfectly clear, darlings--this is not a day to promote voyeurism, so make sure you keep those window shades pulled down, and do not go poking your eyes into those whose are kept up!

With just two days to go till Good Friday, and the Anniversary of My Mother's Death, all sorts of resentments which never got buried are simmering to the point where I am feeling like the Hudson sisters. And in their case, I know exactly whom I would run down, and why. I just pray this bitch mood lifts, though it should, what with book club tonight at Audrey's, working at the Center with Tynisha and Mike tomorrow eve, and the possiblity of something on Friday, girls, which I will not tell you about till it happens!!!!!

But just when you feel you are done with the past, it has a way of creeping back. So I may have to do a Bloody Mary before Friday. In the meantime, I have to plan my Easter Bonnett, and decide what I am going to do about Easter--brunch or dinner, and with whom. Holidays are a time of social decision making, girls, so never forget that.

And next weekend, I can look forward to seeing Patti LuPone in conert at the Performing Arts Center in Newark, proof that perhaps my future may include a triumphant return to New Jersey, where I march into whatever town, like Elizabeth Taylor in "Cleopatra."

Now, isn't that a nicer image, than being a bitch. Wish I could cast a spell like Elizabeth Montgomery, though I am more like Serena, darlings. In the meanitme, get yourselves ready for tomorrow, which is Maundy Thursday, and watch out today for whomever spies on you!!!!!

Wink, wink, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Make Way For Ba-Babette! The Darling Of The Mayfair Set!!!!!!

Girls, you know after my Esca adventure this past weekend, I am certainly destned to be the darling of the Mayfair set. But right now, we are in the midst of Holy Week, what with Spy Wednesday tomorrow, then Maundy Thursday (Happy Maundy Thursday, eveyone!), followed by Good Friday and Holy Saturday. And I don't even have an Easter bonnett, and no brunch reservation. You can bet I won't be calling Babbo's anytime soon, unless Mario Batalli puts out for me!!!!!!

Would you believe that I was awakened out of a sound sleep at 2:15 am, when my phone rang? Girls, what drama!!! Thinking it was some random perv, I let the message pick up, but no one talked!!!! This morning, I star 69'ed and found an 847 area code, which is Chicago, but no one I am familiar with. Imagine my shock when my friend David, who lives in Chicago, rang me up at 7:30 am to inform me he was in the hospital!!!!! And with June Havoc having just passed on! Something about low blood sugar--a drop to 30. I am telling you, David had better stay put and get observed, because I do not need another loss on the heels of my other David!!!!!

I'd have been better staying in today and being a domestic goddess, what with the weather the way it is! But I have to meet Julia tonight to pick up some items, and then we are all gathering tomorrow eve at Audrey's!!!!!! So it looks like Holy Week may be Holy, but it will be jumping!!! Typical of my life, girls!!!!

This coffee date is in the offing; it may happen on Friday, in which case it really would be a Good Friday! In any case, girls, I have to shop for an Easter Bonnett, so make sure you all look your grandest in the Easter Parade on Sunday!!!!!!

Peter Cottontail, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, You Won't Believe The Weekend I Have Had!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's start with Friday, girls! Thaere I was all day at work, furiously on the phone, in between doing what I had to do, desperately trying to get a table at Babbo's!!!! I mean, everyone I know--Audrey, Erica, Janice, Annette, Daisy--has been there, I just HAD to go. Not since being not invited to the Roberta Inner Circle in my hometown have I felt so excluided.

Well, let me tell you, dolls, when I finally got through, you know what they had the nerve to tell me? That if I wanted to come by some night and sit at the bar, I could nosh on whatever they served. In other words, if you are single--yet another reason to decry my not having a husband--they do NOT want to place you at a table. Saying thank you as politely as I could, I hung up. I have a good mind to call Mario Battalli. I bet after I gave him a good blow job, he would be more than happy to seat my anywhere at Babbo's. Hell, for that, the whole thing might be on the house!

So, Saaturday morning, as a result, I awoke feeling like Miss Bitch! Only THIS bitch decided to do something about it, honeys. I called their competer, Esca, on 43rd Street in the Theatre District. They were more than happy to accomodate me, and when I arrived, darlings, they greeted me by name, and treated me as royalty. I am talking about Queen For A Day, girls!!!!! My server was so cute I am sure he would have dropped his drawers for me, but I was a gentleman. He asked me if I was gong to the theater, which I told him was funny, because, darlings, when I am in that part of town, that is usually the reason I am there. But, no, I cheerfully told him my time was my own, and that THIS was to be my theater that day. Well, I was served the most scrumptious meal.

It started with a calamari grilled in lemon butter sauce, stuffed with couscous, and laced with greens. Fabulous, girls! My main course was a zesty rigatoni in a spicy red artichoke sauce with real artichoke hearts and gulf shrimp. It was from heaven, girls, and a lot spicier than some of my dates!!!!!! Two healthy glasses of Montepulciano accompanied this feast, followed by a caramel gelato with whipped cream, over which was poured a cup of espresso!!! If this was LSD, I would have been on some trip, loves!!!! And then some Espresso to drink, capped off by `tow surgar cookies. I mean, what a meal. I was completly done in; if I had been Anna Wintour, I don't think I could have returned to the office. So this Anna went back home, slept, and then hit the night life in Manhattan.

I suppose this will teach Babbo's a lesson. And the lesson I impart to you, girls, is do not let these serving scurvies push you around! If they give you the heave-ho, go somewhere else. Or do what I plan to do, and give Mario head.

THEN I will have more than Babbo's to report on girls! Stay tuned till further notice. And pray I get a coffee date soon!!!!!

Happy Holy Week, everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Darlings, That Girl Is TOAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, loves, I am NOT talking about Marlo Thomas as Ann Marie, whom you all know I wanted to be, back in the 60s. I am talking about that overrated and now professionally finished ex-comedienne named Megan Mullaly, and her disgraceful behavior toward Joe Mantello and Patton Oswald on "Lips Together, Teeth Apart."

Who does Miss Thing think she does appointing herself judege and executioner, and trying to get Oswald repalced on the basis of lack of stage experience? Are we Meryl Streep, Megan? Not exactly, dear. And now her ego will be so inflated to think she has the power to shut down stage productions. This woman is looking good for next Thurday's Bitch of the Week entry, and you can bet after pulling this routine, with all the union charges and Equity citations pending--THIS BROAD WILL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, do we need someone whose self-absorption is so projected into her fictional character of Karen that she cannot funciton in the theater community. Bitch, get off my stage, is what I say. Take it back to Hollywood, and before you know it, if you keep this up, you will be a washed up, faded hooker on Hollywood and Vine.

But you are DONE in this town, Megann, do you hear me?? DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, You Have NO Idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just when you think you have heard everything, darlings, just when I reach a point where I actually think "What am I going to write about tomorrow," something gets handed to one on a silver platter.

Last night, dears, I dined at my friend Audrey's. Now, I will have you know Audrey has been to Babbo's, so she must have a better personal assistant than I. Not only that, she has been there with her stunning and brilliant sister Erica, who is none other than the Jewish Blythe Danner. That is Blythe, and NOT Gwyneth, because as we know that Gwyneth cannot hold a candle to looks or talent when it comes to her mother.

So, anyway, Audrey and I were dining, the wine flowed....at least down my parched throat, girls, when I find out the News of the Week--Audrey is preganat!!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, this is SO exciting. I have to start scouting private schools and campaigning to get this mentioned in "W." And, believe me, before I am through, it will be. So stay tuned, dolls, because we shall chronicle the coming of this child, which is to arrive sometime in August. And, of course, you know, darlings, I will have this baby right along with Audrey. I will probably have to be wheeled screaming on a gurney next to her in the delviery room!!!!!!

But before that happens, darlings, I will need a Bloody Mary by day's end, especially if I cannot get a table at Babbo. And today at work marks the end of an era and even more crucial the Departure of Glamour. For we say a fond farewell to those two social doyennes, Janice and Annette. Their hearts are young and gay! From now on they will be free to dine at the Four Seasons, fly to Aruba on a whim, and go transcontinental designer shopping whenever they so desire. See how tempting retirment is, darlings!! Alas, for here it will mean the Departure of Glamour. Not only that, but I am expected to carry on that tradition. Well, at least I know my designers, girls.

Speaking of which, whatever Audrey's child is--male or female--that child si going to get a gift subscription to VOGUE, and is going to know instantly the difference between Louis Vuitton and Berkin!!!!!!!!!

Make sure YOU know the differnce, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I Just Don't Know What I Am Going To Do!!!!!!!!!!

For starters, darlings, did you know that today happens to be the Annunciation??? The day the angel Gabriel, appeared before Mary, the Mother of God, and informed her she was to be just that. Watch out for any announcemtents you receive today, lambs, virgin or not.

And today I wanted to report back to you on a gorgeous evening out at Babbo, with the hottest people in tandem. But, thanks to my assistant, who failed to book me a table--guess I will have to do such myself-- I ended up with the Girls, at the world famous Malibu, where the elite meet to eat!!!!!! Hardly Babbo, my dears.

So I am going to bite the bullet by the table and place an order. And when I do, watch out, because you will get a full accounting. Meanwhile it is almost Friday, which measn I need a Bloody Mary, and I have to think about where I am going to dine for brunch on Sunday. Do such things exist in Woodside? I will have to find out; then I could sleep it off before Dignity. Meanwhile, if that assitant of mine keeps sleeping off, I am going to have to send him to the canners till he is reduced to glue lkke a dead horse!!!!! So stay tuned to the latest in my quest to get a table at Babbo.

Which is faring this well as my attempt to land a husband. Hell, no one at Match.com will even go on a coffee date with me; since I don't look like Eric Evans, Shane Cole or the Titan Media team. Do they? Hell, they probably resemble Philip Seymour Hoffman!-EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!-- than anything else, so what do they have to be so picky and judgemental about. I was ready to cry this morning, girls, but you know what, the joke is on them. They don't know how to deal with what is FABULOUS, and I haven't time to train anyone!!!!! I just know that I AM FABULOUS, and some lucky guy will find out in due time, and the others will live to regret it.

Meantime, keep adjusting that spring wardrobe, darlings! And time to think about buying this year's Easter bonnett!!!

Toodles, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, This One Almost Chose Itself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For our second Bitch of the Week, it is hard to find someone who could top the Papin sisters. But this week's choice is such prime bitch, many may ask, why didn't you start wtih HER? Well, better late than never, girls!!!!!!!!!!

This week's selection is none other than NYC's top fashion doyenne....Anna Wintour!

Again, you may ask, what can be said of Anna that has not been already? Well, for starters, unlike the Papins, she, as yet, has not murdered anyone. At least, not that I know! She has inspired horror and dersion from her staff and everyone around her, which makes her a bitch, and like the Papins, she has attracted creative muses. Lauren Weisberger immotalized her fictitiously in her signature book, "The Devil Wears Prada," which in turn inspired one of Meryl Streep's best film performances. And let us not forget "The September Issue," with Anna swilling Starbucks, barking orders at Grace Coddington (how does she stand it, I wonder), directing her own daughter's career choices, and trying to buff up Andre Leon Taley, when he is clearly nothing more than a distant gay cousin of the Reverend Al Sharpton. I am telling you, honey, he was more interested in his matching outfits and accessories on the court, than in his tennis game! As well he should be, girls!!!!!!!!

Anna is such a bitch, if she owned a dog, the poor thing would be afraid of her. And how about conttradictions--this town's high priestess of fashion sporting the same Louise Brooks hairdo she has worn for the last 40 years. Not to mentnion those crow's feet on her eyes, and those wrinkles on your neck. It is time for a fashion makeover, Anna, dear! At least start wearing those Katherine Hepburn high necked collars so others will not barf just looking at you!!!!!

Another good thing about Anna is she inspires bitchiness in others; I mean, lambs, look at the previous paragraph!!!! But you just gotta love her? Who else could be more perfect for this column than Anna Wintour! She is not just a bitch, she is a TOTAL BITCH!!!!!! And if you keep drinking Starbucks like her, girls, you may turn out that way, too!

Incidentally, while Ms. Weinberger may have profited handsomely at the hands of Anna, keep in mind that she served a 10 month engagement as her personal assistant. From what I understand, loves, ten months working for Anna is something of a record; most do not even last one day!!!!!

But if you want to talk about bitches, let's see how long Anna lasts working for ME???? Put us in a room and see who comes out alive!!! I will have Anna ready for the plastic surgeon, where she should be headed right now.

So hats off to this week's reigning Bitch, Anna Wintour. And, Anna, it wouldn't hurt if you did wear a hat. It would cover up so much facial disfigurement!!!!!!!!!

Until next week's Bitch, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, You Are NOT Going To Believe This.........

.....but, darlings, I have never, repeat never, been to Elaine's!!!!! Honest!!!!!!!
You may ask how can such a thing be when I make it a point--for both all of my dears and for moi--to be seen everywhere about this town. Well, let me set things straight, so to speak!

Forty years ago, not to have been to Elaine's would have been socially unacceptable!!!!!!!!!! You can bet back then that that Suburban Princess of my hometown, Miss Roberta, she from Lincoln Avenue, would have been. How can I forget back in eighth grade when she announced so GRANDLY to our French class, "What did YOU do last night? Last night I went to see "Promises, Promises'!" On a school night; I mean, can you believe it?? But Princess Roberta was obviously being groomed for things, what with how her family used their money and social pull to make sure bitch teachers like Mrs. Feldman and Santamarina gave Roberta everything she wanted, like carte blanche into the National Honor Society, which I was excluded from not once but TWICE!!!!!!!!! Which allowed her to segue right into the Ivy League at the University of Pennsylvania, which SHOULD have led to her chairing the Biology Deaprtment at Princeton today!!!!! Instead, she ends up in another Jewish suburban enclave, Demarest, no better off than she was before!!!!!! The hell with that, darlings, which is why I HAD to blow that town and eveyone in it, and get to the land of Dreams, New York City, to live the FABULOUS life that was denied me in the suburbs!!!!!!

By this time, Elaine's has become as passe as Mrs. Santamrina--who is now pushing up daisies, good riddance!-- and the National Honor Society. Which is what I am trying to get my assistant to understand so he can book me a table at someplace decent tonight. It HAS to be in the Village, loves, because I have GOT to be seen in the gay neighborhoods. And the restaurant has no idea of the value of it appearing as an entry on The Raving Queen!!!!! My assistant had better get busy, or he is going to get creamed in the worst way imaginable. He will be pulped into cream soup, girls!!!! Now, what kind of scrumtious soup, salad, or even antipasto can I have this evening? Where will it be? Stay tuned, darlings, and you will get a full report.

Speaking of reports, who do these Match.com guys think they are, acting like they are better than anyone? One had the nerve to say he did NOT want me to control him; darling, do I look like I control anybody? I mean, really, I am socially amenable, as long as I agree with what it is, or you do as I say. No questions asked.
But some of these guys want me to be some submissive looking like outtakes from a Titan Media spectacular when some of them could not get cast in "Little Orphan Tranny!" You know, girls, I should be discouraged, but I am only fueled with fury more determined than not to find a husband!!!!!! And you can bet he will know that Elaine's is passe, which I am sure Roberta today has no idea of!!!!!

So I will report on my findings tomorrow, which also happens to be Thursday, which means it will be time to announce this week's winner of the title of Bitch of the Week!!!! Who will she be, loves? I know you can't wait, but you are just going to have to, girls!!!! In the meantime, stay away from Suburban Princesses, who will drag you down, and under NO circumstances go to any place that is socially unacceptable!!!!

White gloves, loves, white gloves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Let Us Talk About Mainstream Gays!!!!!!!!!

A now very distand acquaintance of mine--SO diatant he never had any idea of of what Nobu or Babbo was, let alone dined at them; I mean, can you imagine?-- would often rant on the subject of gays going mainstream. It was his contention that gay should stick to the sleaze bars and palaces in those pre-Internet days, never mind about marching into the mainstream. As one who had no understanding of what is meant to be featured in "W," I questioned his judgement. But you see, he did not grow up in the suburban mainstream, as I and so many of my compatriots did. What he fails to understand is those gays who wish to go mainsteam--return to the suburbs, set up houses the same yet different from those they were reard in, are simply demanding payback time, for the derision, harassment, and ridicule foisted upon them during the so-called early years. Why, if I could work my will, I would go back to the President streets in Highland Park, and thumb my nose at eveyone now living there, saying "Get outta my way; it is MY turn now; I have as much a right as you>"

Not to mention the house would be better decorated, what with Laura Ashley curtains and bedthings, a backyard with a landscaping that exactly dupilicates the Munchkinland set in "The Wizard of Oz," and scores of people coming to look at it. As Scarlett said in GWTW, "I want everyone who's been mean to me to be pea green with envy!!!!!" You better believe it, girls!!!!! And this is what the mainstream gay movement is all about; it does not mean swearing alleigence to the Republican party, never mind those who do. It is an emancipation of what we were entitled to in childhood, but denied, and now we are claiming it with a vengeance!!!!!!!

Which is why I cannot wait for that husband and that house on Great Neck. I am telling you, my book groups and dinner parties will be the talk of the nabe!!!

Hope things are going well in your own nabe, sweet things!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, You Will NOT Believe What I Have Heard!!!!!!

Those of you who have read up to here, darlings, know that, at the very least, I have been around the block. Not only have I heard ALL the Tallulah stories, I have enough of my own that would do Tallulah proud! But one night last week I heard a never told tale that was the capper of them all, which is saying a lot, let me tell you. And my source, one of the most attractive, charming and distinguished gentlemen I know (if he weren't already with someone, I would have made a shot for him years ago) related this extraordinary Hollywood anecdote.

During her Hollywood halcyon yeas, probably the Forties, Joan Fontaine was attending a lavish party. Like most guests at such an affair--lambs, how I know-- she became tired, and decided to lie down and rest. She went into an empty bedroom, atop which were piles of coats (just like Margo Channing's in "All About Eve") and promptly fell asleep. Awhile later, she awoke, and it felt as though someone were pawing at her. She looked up from her supine pose--now get the barf bucket ready, darlings!--and there was Ethel Barrymore going down on her!!!!!! Can you believe it???? Poor Joan; what could she do??? So she called out, "Ethel, what the Hell are you doing?" Ethel blithely looked up, and trilled in that famous voice, "Darling, just give me a few more minutes.....please????"

I bet if Olivia had known about this, she would have had a field day with THIS one! Most likely she would have said something about Joan giving access to all. But we know, loves, that Joan would never do such a thing, and certainly not with ETHEL BARRYMORE. There are some people on this Earth, darlings, who invite a lack of sexual associationn because they look so, well, asexual, and certainly Ethel Barrymore is chief among them. She is up there with Eleanor Roosevelt and Helen Keller!!!!!! At least, Helen was not ugly, but we have no idea what chances for action that poor thing had!!!!!

Only from me would you hear such a thing. If I hadn't heard this from whom I heard it, I would NEVER believe it. And don't think I am not tempted to call Joan--still alive, and soon to be 93--and ask her about it!!!! I don't dare call Olivia, just in case she never knew, and if she did--hell would STILL break lose!!!! Those two are as cozy as the Hudson sisters. Wouldn't you love to see them do the Irving Berlin number "Sisters" from "White Christmas."

I meant to write more today, girls, about mainsteaming gays, but will save that for another time. I mean, what could top this???? Nothing!!!!! So meantime, take a hint from Joan, and be very careful when and where you fall asleep!!!!!

Nightie night, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, Let Me Be The First To Tell You--Fishnets Are Not Everything!!!!!!!

Where to begin, girls? Last eve I was on the Jersey PATH, enroute back to town after a scrumptious evening in Newark with my friend Tom, the cheurb. We dined at one of my favorite of his neighborhood places--Francesca's, then returned to his place for a very successful photo shoot, resulting in one part in the photo you now see on here, loves?

So why do fishnets come to mind. You would not believe what was sitting across from me on the New York bound PATH train. I mean, as Joan Rivers would say, "What a tramp!"

This babe was no Miss Porter's grad. She was physically the size of Queen Latifah, and hanging from her body was some clothing contraption that I am not even sure was one or two pieced, that barely concealed her enlarged, pendulous breasts, and the dress was hiked so high, a fraction of an age more and you could have seen what brand of feminine protection she was using. Her heels were spiked, and her stockings were this criss crossed fishnets. She was with this guy, and they got off at Journal Square, and you can bet they were not going to any costume party. A working girl's secret, after all!!!!!!!

Sweeties, you would NEVER catch me in such a get-up. But it set me thinking, ever since I was a wee tyke, and my parents palced in my hands the Colorforms Debbie Reynolds Dress Designer kit, it has been all about coutre, darlings!!!! Who knows, had I been able to draw, I might now be running VOGUE instead of Anna. You want to see what bitch means, then, I am telling you!!!!! And coutre carried over to comics; even though I loved the super-heroes, the ones I always wanted to be had to do with their costumes--lots of red, more than anything else. No, I did NOT want to be Wonder Woman or Black Canary, with her fishnets. Who I wanted to be was:

The Flash
Lightning Lad
Mon-El
Ultra Boy
Saturn Girl
Sun Boy
StarMan
Doctor Fate
Captain Marvel
Captain America
.................because and only because they had the best costumes.

Which proves, darlings, that as spring approaches, our lives are increasingly ruled by fashion. So do not let me catch you in what that cheap tramp was wearing last night, or I will report you to Anna!!!! Hell, worse, you will have to report to ME!!!!! Dress fashionably and modestly in the warm days ahead, girls, and you will get ahead!!!!!

And maybe I will finally get some head! Oh, well, I can hope!!!!!

Have a lovely Sunday, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

"...Or Else, I Attract The Guys Who Are Longing To Do My Hair!!!!!!!!"

Darlings, guys have been doing my hair since Day One, and it has never scored me any action. So, with all due respect to Cy Coleman and "City of Angels," it is just not applicable.

But hair is a reasonable subject for today--at least, mine, girls!-- because tonight I have my photo shoot both for my personal ad and this blog. And I have to look my best--Amy Adams for the ad and a TOTAL BITCH for the blog.

Speaking of total bitches, what a delight the new Korean film "Mother" is. Forget the Albert Brooks film of the same name; that guy is professionally dead, anyway!!!! This latest film brings new meaning to maternal love, what with Mother sleeping with her grown, impaired son, and taking up for him like an Asian version of Mrs. Voorhees!!!!! You just gotta love her, even though this is not as campy or over the top at F13, it is definitely a distant cousin to it!!!! Lots of Hitchcockian and David Lynch touches, too! I am telling you, girls, once you see this, Jocasta will look real good to you, darlings!!!!!

This was the highlight of my day, which was capped off by a Bloody Mary at the Riviera Cafe, dinner with the Girls, and the delightful new book "Jaclyn The Ripper," which turns out to be not a rif on the theory that Jack was actually a woman--an interesting possibility therein--but a sequel to a well-regarded novel and film, "Time After Time," which was filmed with Malcom McDowell and Mary Steenburgen, and would you believe I have never seen, darlings????? Believe you me, since I have begun reading 'Jaclyn,' I can assure you THAT will soon be taken care of. And me having strolled all through Whitechapel, myself. How could I have missed out on this?
But, hell, lambs, I haven't even seen "Gilda" yet, which is one reason why you haven't heard me quote from "Put The Blame On Mame," though you girls know we all want to look like Rita Hayworth, and wear that famous gown!!!!!!

So I am all gowned for my photo shoot, but I am bringing make-up and foundation, plus a frock to wear to dine, so that if I spill something on it, my true outfit will not be dammaged. In the meantime, Spring is about to arrive, so it IS now time, girls, to start THINKING about those new seasonal outifits, but as I am telling eveyone, do NOT put those winter things away just yet. I am sure Mother Nature has a few surprises that we don't know about!!!!!!!!

Nevertheless, have a fabullous weekend, girls, may all YOUR photo shoots be professional ones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, You Have No Idea What This Day Is!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, this day happens to be two things in one. It is St. Joseph's Day, and it also the day on which, according to legend, the Swallows return to Capistrano.
Darllings, "When the swaaaaallows come back to Capistraaaaaaaaaano, that's the time I"ll be coming back to you.

Meanwhile, on this gorgeous day off, I have SO much to do. Dash into the city, pick up medicine, take care of some money matters (not much money, let me tell you!), catch an afternoon screening of the Korean thriller "Mother," which should be a hoot, maybe some down time in the park and dinner with the Girls. Then I have to get ready for my photo session tomorrow evening, where I am going to pose at both my most Amy Adams and bitchy--the latter is a snap, loves!-- for my Match.com ad and this blog, respectively. I am bringing plenty of gauze and beauty aids so I will be at my most captivating, loves!!!!!!!!

Can't you just hear those swallows arriving now? Not like Hitchcock's "The Birds," I am telling you! We just LOVE Suzanne Pleshette in that one! And we all want to wear the green two piece outfit that Tippi Hedren has. Not to mention that simply FABULOUS fur coat!!!!!!

The only fur I need right now is that from a man! Well, time will tell, darlings. Meantime, I must run and carry out my errands, so enjoy this truly Spring like day in preparation for La Sacre Du Printemps!!!!!

Make sure all you Printemps are Sacre, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlilngs, What A Week It Has Been!!!!!!

With all that I wrote on the Papins, girls, did you think I would forget to record my daily entry? Let me tell you, this has been some week, as it seems every day this week has been something to celebrate--the Ides of March, my Communion anniversary, St. Patrick's Day, the launching of Bitch of the Week, and just wait till you find out what tomorrow is!!!!! And pretty soon it will be La Sacre Du Printemps.

But do NOT--I repeat, do NOT--put away those designer winter threads just yet, darlings. It has gotten so one cannot trust the weather truly till we reach Memorial Day, which is when, girls,--and only I would remember this--you can officially wear WHITE. So I would not box those extra layers till then. April, as T.S. Eliot said, can be the cruelest month, and that includes the weather, lambs!!!!!!!

Tonight I am at the Center, loves, and I hope someone interesting walks in. I need someone interesting to step into my life, because right now I need a date, let alone a husband!!! And I have SO much to do on my day off, I am going to have to start early. And just wait till you hear what tomorrow is. Again, I have said it!

So have a fabulous Thursday, readers--we are almost to the weekend, so I hope your Sunday brunch plans are solidified by then. Cannot wait to rip into a Bloody Mary--it has been a tough week! Meanwhile, you all behave yourselves, and no fashion faux pas, or I will hear about it. Never mind about Anna, when you have ME to contend with, girls!!!!!

Toodles for now, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Let Me Introduce You To Two Great Bitches!!!!!!

Girls, this entry may be something of a breakthrough, as I am thinking of making this day the Bitch of the Week column, devoted to a famous real or fictitious bitch. Now, before I go any further, I know some of you may be asking--what about ME? Well, loves, what do you think this entire blog is devoted to--none other than the indisputable fact that I AM A BITCH.

Prompted by an article recently read, I want to launch this column with a talk about Les Soeurs Papin. No, lambs, that is NOT the name of a Frech bistro, although it is a fabulous idea, replete with meat dishes, movie posters, murder weapons, body parts....but I am getting ahead of myself.

Les Souers Papin, or the Papin sisters, were named Christine and Lea. At the ages of 28 and 22, respecitvely, they murdered their female employeers, Madame, and her daughter Genevieve. I cannot recall the surnames. But you know the song "Four Jews In A Room Bitching." Darlings, this is "Four Bitches Simmering Under One Roof," what with Madame and Genevieve fueled with their self-righteous sense of upper class entitlement--and don't we know all about THAT, loves!--and the Papins, the unloved, unwanted daughters of a common laborere and prostitute, having literally no one but each other, evoloving into a relatiionship both lesbian and incestyuous. But they were lipstick lesbians, darlings, not beans n' franks!!!!!!
They serviced the women as chambermaids, each simmering with resentment towards the other, till, aided by a blown fuse, on the afternoon of Feburary 2, 1933, the Papins, using their bare hands to gouge out their eyes--go, girls!-- literally ripped into their employers as they walked through the door from an afternoon shopping excursion. The sister cut, sliced and diced the women to slivers of meat! Seldom has the satiation of social resentment been so satisfying. You have no idea how I wish I could have the Papins slice some people on my list.

When they were done, they cleaned up, got into bed, and clung to each other incestuously, till the cops arrived. As a friend of mine once said, "You can't make this shit up." The Papins were their own creations, darlings, but they went on to inspire others--Jean Genet with "The Maids," Wendy Kesselman with the play "My Sister In This House," which became the movie "Sister, My Sister," with Joelle Richardson, Jodhie May, and Julie Walter. The actress who played the daughter, called Isabel, in that film, was probably as French ugly as the real one. Several years later a French version appeared called "Murderous Maids." And with Leopold and Loeb having been musicalized in "Thrill Me!", can the Papins be far behind. Hell, some musical theater wannabe may be working on this right now!!!!!

Girls, we just love these bitches, because they showed themselves to be bigger bitches than their bitch employers, which is why I am always extra nice to MY servants, darlings!!!! But the Papins have charmed us for almost eighty years; and I am sure even THEY would be amazed by their continuuing popularity.

Meanwhile, girls, don't slip on any eyeballs on your stairwell!!!!!!

LOVE these bitches, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Girls!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, darlings, we have made it to another one! I can only hope for a big hunky leprechaun to sweep me off my feet today. To think this is the only day of the year where I consciously eat corned beef and cabbage. I would rather have some man beef, darlings, but we are doing what we can.

Had a charming reply from a charming gentelman on Match.com. Of course he wants to see my pic, and he will by the end of this weekend. And, don't get too excited, girls, but you may be able to see it on here by next week. That is right, darlinmg, The Raving Queen will come to life as never before!!!!

So what are we so anxious about? Do you know what it takes to get a Sunday brunch reservation in this town? I mean, you have to start now! It doesn't matter whether you read/bring the Style section or not. My personal choice is La Caprese, which is at the Pierre, where I hope to have my wedding, but I am telling you it takes planning and organizing just for a tiny brunch. I have told my assistant to book me for La Caprese at one, and he had better listen else his green booty will turn all shades of RED!!!!!!!

No drinks for me today' the tht of Guiness makes me puke. Maybe some nice Bailey's, especially over ice cream, darlings, love to serve it to the Girls when they come over for book club.

It is a great day for the Irish, sweethearts, especially today when EVERYONE is Irish, even J Lo!!!!! So tie that green ribbon where it will do the most good, darlings, and go out and celebrate the wearing--and maybe the tearing off--of the green!!!

I want a full report tomorrow, darlings!!! And NO hangovers!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, This Is An Anniversary Unlike Any Other!!!!!!!!!!

I am telling you, girls, only on this blog will you hear such a story, so listen up. Forty seven years ago on this day, moi, dears, made my First Holy Communoion. A big deal, back then, I, who was so desperate to grow up in any form--what was I thinking?--even something as retrospectively substantial in comparison. And this was BEFORE I discovered Jennifer Jones and "The Song of Bernadette", darlings!!!!

Well, that morning, I simply did NOT want to go to my communion. Why? Because on that Saturday, Channel 9 on Super Adventure Theatre, was showing "Godzilla," which at that point I had never seen and wanted to so badly. This was before I knew the difference between the cheapo Raymond Burr version and the brilliant masterpiece "Gojira!" You should see my communion, picutre, loves; I look so holy and pious, when in reality I was seething with anger! My parents practically had to throw me into the car, protesting all the while. "God comes first!" my father argued. "But, " I countered, " how do you spell Godzilla? G-O-D-....." but to no avail, the communion went off, and within a year I would see the film for the first time, although that is quite a story, too. But for another time, girls.

To cap things off, the Communion did not go off without a hitch. But not due to me. This was back in the days, girls, when one had to refrain from eating anything the night before, in order to receive the Host. Well, seated next to me was Ricky Bronw, from the wrong side of the tracks, and who knew when the last time he ate was. During the Final Blessing, he turned in his seat and vomited right into it. In the church! In front of me! Darlings, I was appalled!!!!! Suddenly, out of nowhere, apppears this ominous nun, who drags him away into the sacristy, where I presumed he was going to be tortured. Minutes later, the same nun appeared, carrying an urn and a spoon, filled with green, pungent incense, which she proceeded to spread over the mountain of vomit. There it sat, like a mini grave mound, and there I sat, during the final phases of this Mass, so unable to do anything but stare at the green mound, knowing full too well, what was under it. I should have realized at this point that sainthood was not in the cards for me, as this is no way to be inducted into the Communion of Saints.

Nevertheless, I remember this day, and look at that picture, as each March 16 roles around. Cannot believe there have been 47 of them.

And to think it was the day before St Patrick's day. Who knows what will happen then? Just pray I catch some hunky Irishman or at least a leprechaun with his Lucky Charms!!!!!!

See you in Glocca Morra tomorrow, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.....And The Day Is Not Over Yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, you would not believe the day I have had ALREADY. My personal assistant starts off by telling me--ME, darlings!--that I would frighten Charles Manson!!!! Is he kidding? I mean, some dates I have been on seemed like serial killers, but I doubt if I have met the real thing. I have set him straight, and now the poor thing is hanging from the rafters. I keep telling him, if he things I am difficult, wait till he gets down to Conde Nast and squares off with Anna!!! Though she is the one who should be frightened of ME, what with that Louise Brooks hairdo.

Had one response on Match.com and it was no go. We discovered we were looking for the exact samae thing, so this is going to be tougher than I thought. And of course, I have GOT to get my pic inputted on here and there, at least by the end of week. Or Thursday, since I have Friday off.

Which is St. Joseph's Day and the day the swallows return to Capistrano. So make sure you return here soon, unless you want to be castrato, girls!!!!!!

Only kidding, loves! Only kidding! Make my assistant get down from the ceiling! Come on, now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, We've Made It To The Ides Of March!!!!!!!!!

Girls, let me appologize for my laxity over the weekend, as yesterday I was suffering a crushing migraine that did not really let up until I left for work this morning after taking a second dose of medication. Let me tell you, that even the FABULOUS such as moi, crash sometimes, which is why my accounting of the weekend was so poor. I will make up for it now.

I got my hair done, taxes are now history, but the absolute highlight, loves was the Saturday screening of GWTW at the Film Forum. For five hours in a croweded theater, with no heat, coat securely wrapped, I sat through the Selznick classic for the umpteenth time. Let me tell you, when the lights went down, the anticipatory adrenalin rush was overwhelming. When the opening strains of "Melanie's Theme" began playing in the Max Steiner overture, I swooned. When the Selznick logo appeared on the screen, and I was not alone on this, I screamed!!!!!! And when the orchestra segued into "Tara's theme," with the title words flashing across the screen, the applause was so deafening it must have been heard all the way up to Lincoln Center. But how I wish I had had a MAN to comfort me after that Part One ending, the most representative half point in film history. Darlings, for four stormy hours, the audience was enraptured in a way I have not seen since...well, probably since the last time I saw this onscreen. And when we emerged, darlings I can telll you I was emotionally exhauisted. But not too much to saunter uptown to meet Harvey and the Girls for dinner, after which I got home to the worst weather imaginable, and woke up yesterday with a migraine. Overload, girls, overload. But to see GWTW onscreen is worth it, because, at my age, darlings, and with no husband, I have to be mindful that each viewing at this point could be my last.

And yes, girls I am now officially on Match.com. I have emailed some perspective partners, but we shall see. I have six months, and if I do not get a husband out of it, at least I will have tried this venture. But I am telling you, pic or no pic, I had better get something, because the departure of so many people, both physically and emotionally of late has been devastating. No wonder I need a Bloody Mary or Frozen Margarita now and then.

With this Wednesday being St. Pat's day, hell, maybe I will bag a hot Irishman. You know what is said, darlings--it is hard to get their clothes off, but once you do, you CANNOT get them to put them back on!!!!!! So we shall have to see. Maybe I will find out how delicious the Lucky Charms' leprechaun's charm really are!!!! Meanwhile, you stay delicious, too, all my darlings, and wait till you hear what I have to report tomorrow!!!!

See the difference when I am back on track? Cheers, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

".........And The Wind Swept Through The FIlm Forum!!!!!!!"

Darlings, what a Saturday I had. But first let me tell you girls this is coming to you from an hour less sleep and a functioning migraine. I cannot disappoint my girls!!!!!

With the rain teeming I trooped down to the Film Forum almost three hours before to make sure I got into what turned out to be a sold-out screening of "Gone With The Wind." It was worth the wait, for the Selznick classic did its job, with the incredible Vivien Leigh, those panoramic vistas and that Max Steiner music. The audience was in a state of bliss that led to tumultuous applause for Aunt Pittypatt, the railroad station shot, and more. We we were just thrilled, girls, as we are no matter how many times--and I have lost count--we have sat through it, and Scarlett is who tells us how to survive. She also reminds us that even with three husbands you can still end up alone, so we do not want to make Scarlett's mistakes.

Speaking of which, I am fully inputted on Match.com, so we will see what can trasnpire. I will keep you abreast, girls, and when this migraine vanishes will report even more. But things were superb at Tara, darlings, what a perfect way to spend the worst weathered Saturday yet!

Happy Daylight Savings Time, loves!

Darlings, You Better Watch Out For Little Sister!!!!!!!!!!

".....And his cheatin' wife had never left town,
And that's one body that'll never be found,
See, little sister don't miss, when she aims her gun!"
----"The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia"


Well, girl, there I was last eve at the Riviera Cafe cooling down with a delicious Bloody Mary, served by the enticing Walter, a server with the most delectable booty, and a yen for service. I mean his service was almost companionable, and you better believe, honey, I gave him a lovely tip!!!!!
During my down time, the Vicki Lawrence classic came on over the speaker, and girls we couldn't resist. Just LOVE how little sister guns down that cheatin' wife. Just like how I would like to gun me down--with a stun gun, not a real one--a husband!!!!!!!!!!

Would you believe I managed to get my hair done last eve, and don't I look enticing, girls? Now I am all set to try and catch that 3PM showing of GWTW, and maybe I will bag me something there. Also I have my credit card with me, which means after I am done here, I am going on to Match.com, and who knows how much more
I will report to you girls. This blog could really HEAT up comme spring. And you will hear every delicious detail I promise. So you had better stay tuned, because as little sister says I am not through yet. Have a lovely day no matter what you seee this afternoon--or who, girls!--and don't forget to set the clocks ahead an hour before you put out the light. And slab an extra dose of night cream!!!!!

Toodles, darlings! Why are my weekends as frantic as my weeks?

Love to all!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I Need A Man To HOLD Me! I Need Mel...I Mean....TED!!!!!!!!!!!"

That line, girls, was spoken by Patty Duke as Neely in the immortal classic "Valley of the Dolls," a book and film that made moi, and much of my generation what we are today--a bunch of fabulous bitches. Which gets into what I want to talk about today, what with the weekend on the cusp, and no GWTW date in sight, unnless a miracle no short of Bernadette at Lourdes takes place befor tomorrow at 3PM. Meanwhile, I have to go to the doctor this afternoon, get a perscription filled, get my hair done--or try to-- meet the Girls after work, amd maybe end out the evening at Xes with a couple of Bloody Marys. Could you keep up with this, darlings? I do not think so.

Then on Monday, we have the special Actors Fund "Valley of the Dolls" reading at John Jay College auditiorium, and I CANNOT believe I was NOT asked to read the role of Neely, because, sweeties, that is a role I live and have lived every single day of my life!!!!!! You may ask, then, why I would subject myself to such an experience; well, of course, loves, the answer is simple--a bunch of gay men in ONE place are guranteed for this, so what better chance than to find a husband? I cannot imagine what I will find at Xes, but whatever it will be too young and definitely too unsophisticated.

I cannot even activate my Match,com account because I keep forgetting to input my credit card, which I PROMISE to do this weekend, so maybe things will eventually improve. My weekend by the way is so jam packed, I do not know how I am going to cram it all in, or whether I can.

And here is an advanced heads-up, girls, so mark your calendars. I just found out today that on Thursday May 27 (just in time to kick off the Holiday weekend) Chelsea Classics and Hedda Lettuce are going to show the Joan Crawford classic, "Strait-Jacket!" We LOVE this one, girls, but won't discuss it till after it has been shown. There is a moral lesson in it for us all, and it has to be seen to be believed. Sure to be the next new production at the Metropolitan Opera house!
So mnake sure, girls, you have that night free to join me for what should be a night of merriment, that could go on well into the next day.

Speaking of calendars and next days, make sure tomorrow eve before you put out that light you set your clock an hour ahead. Spring ahead, Fall back. We lose an hour of sleep, girls--horrors!--which means our beauty will suffer a bit, so on that night before bed, remember to slather on an extra layer of night cream!

Hope to see you around, girls, esp at the Film Forum tomorrow at 3!

Love to all, sweets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I Am About To Name A New Drink!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But before we get to that, girls, let me ask you--where am I to find a good personal assistant? Would you believe that this morning I had to go for my own coffee???? Do I demand too much? Am I Anna???? All I ask of my personal asst is that the coffee be on my desk when I arrive at 10 am. Take my clothes to the dry cleaners, pick them up, drop off my laundry, fold it and put it away--I mean, this is standard operating procedure. But my PA is too busy trying to get into Bungalow 8 or Lot 61, where he can snuggle up to Gisele and Leo, snort cocaine, and injure his pretty little body with mindless partying??? What are young people coming to, nowadays??? And with Corey Haim another drug casualty. Darlings, stick to caffeine and codeine--picks you up, takes you down--and you will do fine. How I do you think I operate on a day to day basis??? How do you think I have the energy to get out this blog?????

Now, about the drink. It is called The 'I'll Cry Tomorrow," and it is very easy to make.

The Recipie
Take one bottle of wine (or alchoholic beverage of your personal choice)
Take one bottle opener
Put both on table in front of you.
Open and uncork the bottle.
Drink in one sitting.
The results--you will be doing "I'll Cry Tomorrow" and feel like Lillian Roth. Just call me Susan Hayward! Follow this recipie, girls, and you will be ready to do "Sing, You Sinners," like Susan in the movie.

I am still plowing through Lauren Weisberger's--she of the stunning hair, which is what gets her published--book. I am up to the part where her heroine, Bette, who in style and voice seems NO DIFFERENT from Andrea in "The Devil Wears Prada," is becoming an events planner. Sweeties, that is a career I have always aspired to. The only trouble is there is only ONE event I am interested in planning--my OWN WEDDING!!!! Now you all know about the designer (Vera Wang) and you know about the locale (The Pierre). What you don't know is the honeymoon, which is to take place in Venice, Italy, after which we come back to New York and I am carried over the threshold (if only metaphorically) into my house on Great Neck Long Island, where I settle into my new role of housewife. This is ALL part of the wedding planning, girls, and I would like to see how perfectly coiffed Lauren could handle THAT.

Back to drugs. I strongly advocate them, but remember I am old enough to remember the death of Anissa Jones. THAT was a shock, because it was so unheard of at the time. Now, ex child star drug deaths are a dime a dozen. What is with THE INDUSTRY???? Where is Paul Petersen and A Minor Concern. Aganin I say--stick to caffeine and codeine.

Let me also add that with one day closer to the WEEKEND I have no hair appt. no GWTW date, and no prospects of one, unless I am forutnate to bag someone tonight at the Center. Pray for me, darlings. Do you realize I have never been to Elaine's, and have not been seen yet this season at Ciprianni's uptown? This things need to be resolved, love, and they will, as well as the question of my spring wardrobe.

I am really feeling the pressure, girls, to be an icon of glamour and the world of the demimonde that I so tantalizingly give you a glimpse of. I need a personal account just to go and hang out evenings at all the hot places, just so I can report them to you. So how about sending in cash? You can send as much as you want towards this cause, and then I will live the life you want for you, and let you know what it is like!!!!

I know, I know, my generosity is overwhelming. The milk of human kindsness just flows in my veins. See you keep flowing too, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What Does It Take, Girls? What Does It Take?????

Something I forgot to mention earlier, darlings. I finished "The September Society," and the big surprise was there was NO homosexual subplot. And with an all-male society, come on! And Charles Finch, the author, judging from his jacket photo is cute as a button, so poised in his crisp, white shit; honey, there is no way he can be straight. He definitely looks like he knows his Dolce from his Gabana.

So along these lines I begin Lauren Weisberger's "Everyone Worth Knowing." Ms W. you may recall scored a big success with something called "The Devil Wears Prada." I read that one, too. She is definitely a Candice Bushnell but on a higher plane, and her prose style and chronicling of living in squalid apartments while yearning for that great New York life beyond, is something we can ALL relate to, girls, and do, but let me tell you, the way I bust my derriere to blog to all of you, and then she gets published? I mean, her stuff isn't any better or worse than this blog. Mine is better, of course, bitchier, at times, and with a true perspective on the gay life style that she, being a woman, simply cannot experience from within.

Like I asked, what does it take, girls? If anyone wants to step up and publish this, believe me, they can, just to Amy Adams plays ME--as a gay man--in the movie.

This has been some week. No husband, no GWTW date, and now someone who I can outwrite gets published. Lauren, does have fantastic hair, but I mean, like it says in "The Producers," "Who do you have to fuck to get a break in this town?"

That is all for now, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!

A Nervous Breakdown???? Sweeties, I Don't Have The TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, darlings, you all know how much I love Sylvia Plath, and yes I HAVE read "The Bell Jar" to pieces, but it's not like I have time to live it. Let me tell you, there are two types of folk who have nervous breakdowns--those with enough time on their hands to have the luxury of doing it, and those who are genuinely bonkers. And I have been close to the latter, but not really, although, by my standards girls, Blanche Du Bois was as sane as could be.

With all that is happening in the next several days, I cannot crash. First, it is hair time, time to get my spring hair look, and getting the appt, planning the visit, making sure I get my favorite hairstylist--honey, this alone could take me all day. Then I have to start thinking about spring fashions--I need a Chanel blouse, a new Louis Vuitton bag, and a new pair of Pradas to go with each outfit. When am I supposed to do all this shopping? And especially with THIS weekend coming up, which is not only a cooking one, where I PLAN--I am only saying plan, because I cannot be sure how much of this will actually happen--to make some risotto, and at LAST the "Julie and Julia" beef bourgenon!!!!! With all that wine, I will probably cry tomorrow! Call me Susan Hayward!!!!!!!!!!

Then there is the goddamn Film Forum. Would you believe, girls, that if you can take it, you can see IN ONE DAY BOTH "Gone With The Wind" and "The Wizard of Oz." Now, darlings, you know my loyalty to both, but honestly my sensory overload could not take it. So I have opted for GWTW on Saturday, since I saw 'Oz" last week, but, now here is where we SOB--how I wish I had a MAN to go with me to it, so that at the end of Part One, when Vivien cries out "As God is my witness.." and the Max Steiner music starts flowing, along with my tears in time to it, I will have shoulder to cry on, and arms to hold ME during such! Sweeties, is this too much to ask? It is not like I am asking Rhett to carry me up the red stairs. So if any of you out there know an eligible gentleman who can fulfill these requirements of me at the Saturday 3PM showing of Selznick's classic, get in touch with me PRONTO!!!!!!
And besides you know that somehow I will squeeze in a second viewing of 'Oz.' Maybe on Sunday.

Where is my goddamn assistant when I need him? I will smack his booty!!! That wouldn't do any good; he'd love it! But he needs to coordinate all this for me, and deal with some of the crap I should not have to deal with--like the bitch queen nut job--not ME, lambs!--who ripped off our copy of "Gowns By Adrian." Darling, if I wanted an Adrian gown, I would take it to my dressmaker and have him do a knockabout.
I want to wear the dress Rosalind Russell wore as Syliva in "The Women." Hell, I AM Sylvia Fowler, darlings! The bitch, remember!!!!!!!

So, you see, there is just no time for a nervous breakdown. Besides, how casn you meet a husband when you are institutionalized? Now, I know what you are going to say, girls--Natalie Wood in "Splendor In The Grass"--but keep in mind two things. First, I am NOT Natalie Wood, and second, if my life had been scripted by William Inge, by now I would be some frowsy Kansas housewife, screaming out the yard every day for my deceased dog! This is not what we want, girls!!! We want the Pierre and Louis Vuitton!!!!!

Hence, a nervous breakdown is simply out of the question!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just Got In On The Red Eye, Darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Took myself and my BEAUTIFUL Oscar De La Renta gown to the Oscars that night. Things were bad enough, with me having to go unescorted--I didn't call Stanley in time, I guess--but they only got worse when the entire world witnesses the DIVINE MERYL being deprived of what ought to have been HERS. Add to the humiliation that the deprivation was done by Sandra Bullock!!!!!! I mean, Helen Mirren, OK, but Sandra Bullock!!!!! Bullshit, is what I say.

Darlings, if I were Meryl I would say "Fuck you" to Hollywood, come back to this town--New York--and only do stage, where she will be apppreciated by us TRUE ARISTES who LOVE her!!!!!!!!!!

Nevertheless, Meryl and Stanley Tucci were two of the most dashing people there last night. And Stanley cut such an elegant figure in his tux, I just wanted to eat him up, and wouldn't he be as delicious as one of his home-made bruschetta????? Like Meryl, he was a gracious loser, but don't discount Stanley--HIS time is coming!!!!!!!!!

I was so mad I didn't even go to the post Oscar parties--and there were several, darlings--that I was invited to--because I had to fly back to New York to work the graveyard shift tonight (I almost wrote graveyard shit, loves!), which brings me to another thing I need to get off my chest.

Darlings, you would not know it to look at me, but I am in the depths of a major depression. Last night I almost checked myself in. It is all about not having a life partner, and being alone-I am in one of those periods (no not THAT kind of period, darlings!) where I cannot bear being alone. I am ready to bring in anything off the street. Yesterday I was so upset I ended up doing Joan Baez tunes in front of The Center, hoping it would bag me someone! Even a hot cop to haul me off!!! And I did a FABULOUS version of "Long Black Veil." But did anyone notice? Did anyone pay attenttion?

Remember what Linda Loman says at the end of "Death of A Salesman"--attetnion must be paid. Do you know I am actually contemplating Craigslist, which lately does not seem to do anything but get people killed. And even Match.Com!!!!
I don't know, girls, if I do not walk down that ailse soon I am going to....well, who knows? Meanwhile, at least I can still read "The September Society," which is written by Charles Finch who is a pretty cute thing himself (maybe I should phone HIM) and I can bet you anything this is going to have a gay subplot. Apart from MINE, girls!!!!

And another thing--why when meeting someone does it always turn out they have a partner???? Last night, at the Dignity social, after singing my heart out in choir, darlings, I was talking to this rather attractive Irishman named Brian, who seemed very much a possibility, especially when the subject of the ballet came up. I was thinking of asking him to a performance. Before I can he mentions someone in passing where he utters those two dreaded words--"my partner"--which means I have completely wasted my time. Why don't these guys wear a sign around their neck so we who are looking know whom to avoid? I feel like Portia Nelson talking about putting a cow bell around Julie Andrews' neck in "The Sound of Music." Maybe I should go out and governess some children--it worked for her! They better be toilet trained, girls, because I do NOT do diapers!!!!!!!!!

Between the Film Forum, Meryl, and husband unavailability, I am ready to blow a gasket. Hell, I would like to blow something--maybe at this point an inflatable doll! But, no, girls, because then what would you read, or do for fashion and make up advice? So we will keep plugging away, girls, till I am walking down the ailse at The Pierre!

And all you guys with partners don't know what you are missing!!!!!!!!!

Girls, The Film Forum Bites It Big Time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's start with just Saturday, darlings, because that was bad enough! After pulling my unmarried bitch self out of bed, having my coffee, and extending my morning beauty regimen, I troop down to the Film Forum--which is out of MY way, girls, unless I have a reason to go there, which I did. That reason was to buy an advance ticket to the next day's first screening--at 1PM--of what you girls KNOW is MY all-time favorite movie. All right, let's say it now, one, two, three--"The Wizard of Oz." I march up to the box office, at about 1:45, no line, no screenings, and there are these two grad student wannabees or stoner dudes tending the box office. I ask one of these lunkheads to a tkt for said event--and he REFUSES to sell me a tkt!!!!! Something about not selling in advance for DOUBLE features???? I mean, who is he kidding???? When you are showing 'Oz' on a double bill--I do not CARE if it is with "Potemkin," honey, we KNOW which film is going to draw more viewers. When I made this cogent point, he almost relented, then after about twenty five seconds, he refused. Well, obvioulsy, I told him, someone is not getting enough pussy--so go BUY a fucking cat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Meow!!!!!!!!!!! Such a bitch, dears!!!!!!!!!

So I had to haul my ass down there the next day--I mean, it was a bigger effort than getting up early to go to Mass with my father!!!!!!!! And because some slacker dude was feeling power hungry or sexually deprived?

The Film Forum adds THIS to my list of caveats--

1. Overselling "Rosemary's Baby" years ago!

2. Not being able to find Audrey's online 'Zhivago' tkts till very near the
starting point of the film.

3. Jettisoning "Splendor In The Grass" for extra showings of "La Danse," with
a promise to bring back the latter, which has yet to happen.

4. And now THIS!!!!

Bruce--you and Karen better get your marketing act together!!!! May you BOTH be visited tonight in your beds by the spirit of Roberta Hill!!!! THAT should make you change your tune!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, darlings, with what it takes in this town to get a hair appointment, let alone a table to be seen at Ciprielli's, now you have to be social registered or listed in "W" just to the goddamn Film Forum????

Get over it bitches! Have a 'Prince of Tides' therapy session with Barbra Stresiand!!!!

Love to all, my darlings!

Girls, It Is Time To Talk About Miracles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, who knew I would be, but I was on the aisle again last night. This time, I was viewing the just opened Broadway revival, "The Miracle Worker," which Mr. Closest Case himself, Ben Brantley, had the temerity to pan, but several of my illustrious coworkers saw it--no closet cases or theater morons, they--and thought it was terrific.

Now, girls, ever since viewing the apocryphal movie at 13, I have always been drawn to "The Miracle Worker" as both an actor and director. I would love to act in it, and wouldn't I be just brilliant as Helen Keller???? I mean, an actor loves challenges, and with this role I would have them all- a gay middle aged man, playing a sprited child, who is physically encumbered. Just think what Meryl (as Annie) and I could do with this, loves? It would be ELECTRIC theater.

However, the Misses Abagail Breslin and Allison Pill were no less electric as Helen and Annie, and hats off to them and the rest of the cast. The trouble with the show rests with production designer Derek McLaine, who made the moronic decision to suspend the furniture above the stage, above the actors, on wires, bringing it down only when needed, then back up again. I mean, wires? What about actor safety in the theater. This is in the round, darlings, meaning if something should fall, not only the actors, but some seated down front could be injured, even killed. Duh, McLaine, how dare you physically jeopardize your cast and undercut Gibson's play.

But once the actors are doing their thing--and allowed to--this goes out the window, and "The Miracle Worker" becomes the dramatic classic it always was. I saw a production of it two years ago at Paper Mill, and let me say if only the TWO productions could have been combined, because then you would have PERFECTION. THIS one is better directed and acted, but THAT one, on a proscenium, was better staged.
But all the right moments and responses are obtained here, which means it works. Now, if only someone would anchor that goddamn furniture.

At least my Oscar gown arrived on time, girls. It is shocking pink, like the borders of this blog, with pearls to match. Just perfect for me, and I don't believe Meryl has ever worn pink, so there should be no problem. Thank you Oscar, even if it took you this long to get it here. I am going to look so ravishing I may have to stay on a bit in Hollywood, so who knows?

Back to "The Miracle Worker" for a second. I hope before she died someone signed into Helen Keller's hands what VOGUE is, because being, blind, deaf and dumb is no excuse for poor fashion sense. I think Helen knew how to put herself together--she went on to become a renowned lecturer, but I don't know if Annie taught her her designers as assiduoulsly as she did her alphabet. As for me, I know my alpahabet,loves, but let me tell you, if "The Miracle Worker" had been MY story it would have been the miracle of Annie Sullivan finding me a husband, which is the Helen Kelleresque challenge I face every day of my life. Wait till I tell my therapist a thing or two on my next session on Tuesday.

But it is Oscar weekend, girls, so go out there, catch a husand, have a drink, and watch Meryl get her third Oscar tomorrow. Look for me on the red carpet, darlings, I will sure to wave to all my girls!

Toodles, loves~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, Just A Few More Words On Those Closest Cases!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I said earlier today, Brian Hutchinson does a great job as closeted film editor Danny Miller in "Looped." Of course, his closetness is telegraphed at we the audience almost from the instant the curtain goes up. I am just wondering how Mr. Hutchinson prepared for such a role, and I would lay odds that his inspriation came from our town's--NYC's--biggest closest case out there, none other than Mr. Ben Brantley. Honey, I have seen those beady eyes and those pursed tight lips, and let me tell you from my experience, that is the type of man who loves to have his panties pulled down and his cheeks smacked until they are cherry red! Cherry red, darlings! And after his "Miracle Worker" reveiw, I would like to take a smack at Mr. Brantley myself.

But like all closet cases, he thinks he is fooling everyone, but not at all! The only one he is foolilng is himself.

Just some food for thought, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Before Me, There Was Tallulah!!!!!!!!!!

We have so much to discuss today, girls, so let us get right to it. With just three days to go until the Oscars, I want to know where the Hell is my goddamn gown? Will someone on my staff PLEASE get me that bitch Wintour on the phone and tell her to call Oscar (De La Renta) and have my gown shipped pronto? Can I at least see what it looks like? Because if I am going to look my best for Meryl, I certainly do not want to wear the same outfit as Meryl. Hell, to upstage Meryl Streep? Now THAT is what the Pope should declare a mortal sin, not homosexuality! I mean, look at his red shoes!!!!!!!!!

But, darlings, last night we were on the aisle for Valerie Harper in "Looped" at the Lycuem Theater. This is where she plays the immortal Tallulah Bankhead during the filming of that camp classic "Die! Die! My Darling," which had originally been entitled "Fanatic," but after they got Tallulah became.......well, what it became.

The first thing to be said for the evening is that it is the most entertaining show in town. The second is that as expected,--and my girls, you had better be prepared--at Intermission the LINE to the Men's Room is three times that of the line to the Ladies. The last time THAT happened, my dears, was when Patti Lupone did "Gypsy!" Thank God, we were not at Madison Square Garden seeing Barbra--my God, the Intermission must have been as long as the concert, not to mention all those male bladders on tinterhooks!

And you had better believe I marched up and down that line several times in search of a HUSBAND? And did I get even a glance? Are you kidding? I just cannot win! Not only here, but when I find myself seated on a hot night at the GAYEST show in town, surrounded by gay men, who do I end up seated between. Groups of women! Now, what good is that going to do ME. I am telling you, girls, for event shows like this I think the audience should be segregated--GAY MEN in the orchestra and THE REST upstairs.

But back to the play. The lines flowed--my favorite being when Tallulah says,"There are two kinds of men. Those who want to fuck me. And those who want to BE me." I know JUST what she means, loves, because I have the same problem. Except the ones who want to fuck me--and have--then want to be me, because afterwards they realize that I am a better fuck than they were in the first place!

See how Tallulah is insipring me? Last night I said so to a friend, and he has the audacity to say to me--But, Michael, you ARE Tallulah. I will have you know, darlings, I NEVER go out of my house without my panties. It is simply unhygenic, and as a wannabe grad of Miss Porter's--my deah, never! I may have dropped my pants on occasion--ocassions getting increasingly less frequent as I get older and fussier about my men, kind of like when I was kid about vegetables. Hell, some of the men I fucked might as well have been vegetables, too!!!!!!!!!!

But the play actually has some spine and a dramatic center. Maybe not like "A View From The Bridge," but there are points made. But let me tell you--the BIG REVELATION I saw coming a mile away--I just knew that young film editor, in his tight green pants, showing his VPL and his tight white shirt showing his muscular gym actor upper arms, was just one great big, CLOSET CASSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I have no time for those honey--be they closet homosexuals or closet Republicans. Hell, you should see the Gay Republican club at the Center--you get the worst of both worlds there! Don't even waste your time trolling THERE for a husband.

The evening belongs to Valerie Harper. And when I left the theater there were two Queens discussing the play, and I heard the words "Tony nomination" mentioned--so it would not surprise me if such came Valerie's way.

Now, some words about "Die! Die! My Darling!" Girls, we LOVE it! I mean, from the opening credits, when the cat pounces across the screen--Tallulah! Pussy! Catfight! Bitch!--to Annie the obviously lesbian housekeeper with feelings for Mrs. Trefoil, to the oatmeal scene with Stephanie Powers', to Donald Sutherland's screen debut as a mental defective--and let me tell you, I deal with mental defectives ALL the time, honey, from the moment I step out of my apartment onto the subway, to that ending with Tallulah tearing her own self portrait, it is just TOO MUCH.

Tallulah plays Mrs. Trefoil, a promiscuous actress not unlike herself, who bags a rich husband, and pays the price for it by being forced to repent the actor life and live by his rigid convictions. There is a son, Steven, who is dead, before the curtain goes up, and before you can say "Suddenly Last Summer", Bankhead and Miss Stepahnie Powers, in her pre-"Girl From U.N.C.L.E period are on the warpath, with Annie glad to slap Stephanie, to please Mrs. Trefoil, and who Stephanie is prettier than. Turns out Steven fled his home, where he was psychologically dominated by Tallulah--and--surprise! surprise!--turns out to be a self hating closet case homosexual who marries Powers, finds he can't get it up--of course not--and so kills himself. I mean, Tennessee Williams should have sued the scriptwriter for collating all his formulae of the past three decades. But what a big campfest and trashfest it is. Hell, if they are doing "Hush......Hush, Sweet Charlotte" onstage, can this be far behind? I can't wait to see it--hell, I WANT to play Mrs. Trefoil and shove oatmeal--for now--into someone's mouth!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I could go on and on. But I have to husand hunt, and "The Wizard of Oz" is at the Film Forum Sunday. Maybe there I will find this sexual milquetoast my therapist keeps telling me is what I need, but do milquetoast and sexuality go hand in hand? I guess I will have to take matters into mine!

And on that note, girls, I say thank you for coming to this coffee klatch, and be sure to see "Looped"--which is the most entertaining show in town. And then take Tallulah's advice, and go out and GET looped.

See you at the bar, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, What Is Going On Here?

You know I love you all, my girls, so what is going on here? The things a girl has to go through just to keep in touch with her girls. I mean, it is bad enough I have reached the age where I am using night cream, but when I cannot tell my girls what is going on...well, inquiring minds want to know.

Which brings me to my therapist. Do you know what he said to me? We were talking about my lack of a husband; ie; a relationship, and he said that my problem is that socially I am a TOP. Excuse me, what is that supposed to mean. I mean, girls, I hope all you on here know the difference between TOP and BOTTOM. Hell, you better believe I do. Basically he said that no matter what may be the case under the sheets, because of my strong nature, I am a social TOP and need someone who will follow my lead.

Do you know how this UPS the difficulty??? Now I have to find a milquetoast type who is cute, sexual, and is willing to heed my suggestions on what to do. Darlings, where is Samantha when you need her; she might as well just wiggle her nose, and conjure this up for me. I have as much chance of finding such as THAT. Better yet, get me Serena. Hi, cuz!!!!!!!!!!!

So any of you darlings know some toys out there who want to led around culturally by someone who knows this town as well as Anna Wintour, but is not nearly as much of a bitch as SHE, send them my way! Come on, who are we kidding?

Hell, this could turn me back into am Embittered Bitch again. Hopefully not, kiddies, hopefully not!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, There Are Two Things In Town Tonight To Cure One of Embittered Bitchiness!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, yesterday I had to have what was one of the worst cases on record of PMS--
Perpetual ManDeprivation Syndrome--which affects all of us who DO NOT have a husand. It is a miracle I did not get a migraine, because I was raging, let me tell you, I was such an EMBITTERED BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But there are as noted two cures for that malady this evening. The more accessible, and less expensive one, is the Chelsea Classics screening of "Mildred Pierce," hosted by Hedda Lettuce, who all my girls know, is the granddaughter of Bedda Lettuce, and the great-niece of Nedda Iceberg! And, darlings, we just LOVE "Mildred Pierce," with Joan Crawford enacting the role of self sacrificing virtue, when we all know what a real bitch SHE was. But the resaon I love the film darlings is Ann Blyth as her daughter, VEDA!!!!! I just LOVE VEDA! She has been my role model for years. Now, some may think Veda is just a stuck-up bitch, but, darlings, I am telling you, she was simply a poor, misunderstood girl with goals. Goals that all us girls, and me especially have--a rich husband, a gigantic house, a car, though I would prefer to be driven, nautrally--and, what, I ask you now, is wrong with that? But Veda has always gotten a bum rap, and I think it is unfair. My favorite Veda line--"It's the dress. It's awfully cheap material. I can tell by the smell." Damn right; no K-Mart knockoffs for US, when we buy something it had damn well better be the BEST!!!!!!!!!!! Go, Veda!!!!!!!!!! And if you catch her tonight all that bitchiness will evaporate from your hormonal system.
The remedy I am pursuing tonight is "Looped," with Valerie Harper playing--are you ready, girls?--Tallulah Bankhead, and not just ANY Tallullah, but Talluslah during the filming of that trash classic "Die! Die! My Darling!" Honey, you have to see it to believe it. The scene where she FORCE FEEDS Stephanie Powers--ew!!!!!!!!!--
unsweetened oatmeal, is worth the whole movie. Wonder what Proctor and Gamble or Quaker Oats would make of this? And what to make of gay men and their fasciantion with Tallulah? And why do so many actresses want to play her? Is it the deep voice; Hell, there's Bea Arthur and Elaine Stritch, if you want that. The answer I think comes from the following story that I have heard over the years.

Back in the 50s, when he was the Toast of New York, Truman Capote gave one of his fabulous parties. No, I was NOT there, loves, but I should have been, because this blog would tell a different life story, let me tell you. At this party were Truman, Joan Fontaine, Tallulah, Dame May Whitty, and young actor by the name of Montgomery Clift, who was just up and coming. At one point, Truman and Monty stole off, and Dame Whitty began to discourse on how Clift might be with fellatio. This led to an ongoing discussion between the ladies on said topic, and, when put to the question, Tallulah chimed in, "I wouldn't know, dahlings. He nevuh sucked MY cock!!!!!!" Exactly! And being Tallulah I do not doubt for a minute that there was one.

So it should be fun to see what Valerie can do with this, not to mention that with the subject mattter the theater should be TEEMING with gay men--OMG, the line to the MEN's Room--which leaves the potential wide open for a husband. I can only pray to St Catherine of Drexel, who we celebrated yesterday, that my goal is achieved.

And can you beleve "The Miracle Worker" got such a bad reveiw on Broadway? I mean, darlings, it IS "The Miracle Worker." Well, I may go and tell you what I think. In the meantime, I am off to work some miracles, girls, you work some of your own!

AND FIND A HUSBAND FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

".....And It Could Be, That, At Last, They Found The Kingdonm!!!!!!!"

Darlings, that happens to be the last line of M.M. Kaye's celebrated epic novel of India, "The Far Pavillions," which I first read in 1978, and then again in 2,008. What a difference 30 years makes, I am telling you. Well, Tuesday night, girls, I felt like I was in "The Far Pavillions," when I attended Tynisha's fabulous birthday bash held at Vatan, an Indian restaurant, at 409 Third Avenue, between 28th and 29th Street. Girls, let me tell you it was like being on a movie set. You sit in these above ground booths, where the tables are so large, spacious and colorfully decorated, unlike other Indian restaurants, where are you are so crammed in seating wise you could dry hump your partner. Here, you have to remove your shoes--just your shoes, darlings, don't get TOO excited-- and you are compltely relaxed in surroundings that replicate tall, shaded tree, tropical blue skies with clouds floating by, and on the the second floor, more booths and a terrace overlooking below that really makes you feel you are in the world of M.M. Kaye. Visiting this place, with its dark, subdued and romantic lighting, for the visuals alone is enough, but then there is the FOOD.

For the reasonable price of $25 you get a full course meal. When they put the first tray before us, I thought we were going to share the appetizers, which would have been ample enough, lambs! But when we EACH got our own tray, it was like, how much food can we eat? And then came the main course. And spicy? Honey, my mouth felt like a cat on a hot tin roof! Linda Lovelace's tongue was never this heated when she was doing Harry Reems!!!!! And so much more nutritious than deeep throating, darlings. But I have to tell you--between what I ate and the spices, I had some stomach ache, that did not really go away for 24 hours. So eat sparingly, here, loves.

The fashions were stunning. Madame Tynisha, the Woman of the Hour, was resplendent in an almost sky blue blouse that accentuted superbly her eyes and skin tones. Monsieur Mike was as charming as the cupcakes he is known for, with his trademark rainbow scarf, and a form fitting sweater that would certainly do Lana Turner proud. Miss Naomi looked stunning in black, with enough energy to do anything from "Peter Pan" to "The Pajama Game." A good time was had by all.

Girls, this was the most sumptuous birthday celebration of the social Season.
If you have a husband, or whatever, grab the lug and drag him to this place. Drug him with drinks if he thinks it is too, um, prisitine. It is an exotic visual and culinary voyage that will leave you stunned and satiated, girls.

So, read "The Far Pavillions," and hurry up and find that Kingdom!!!!!!!!!!

45 Years Ago Today, Girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, if you are MY girls, then you damn well better know what today is. I am talking about today, back in 1965, when Twentieth Century-Fox released to the world that seminal film "The Sound of Music," and we were defined by Julie and that opening twirl. How I remember practicing that twirl for hours on end, and sometimes still do, darling, and bet Julie can do it still at a moment's notice. And how I rememaber wanting to be Heather Menzies and Angela Cartwright back then--didn't we just all, girls?--and practicing the steps segment of "Do Re Mi" in front of my own house and later on the very steps of Linclon Center itself. Yes, darlings, Lincoln Center.

So a happy birthday to "The Sound of Music," which you should watch at some point today, if only to see Julie do that opening twirl. Julie, Heather and Angela, and the rest of the Von Trapps on film are all still with us, so you better believe the LEGEND will continue.

Tonight I celebrate the legend of Tynisha Winder, my volunteer colleageue at the Center, who his having a gala birthday dinner tonight. I am telling you, maybe Angela Davis will turn up, and Power To The People, darlings! Right On, girls!!!!!!!!! Now if only a husband will turn up! And after what my thearpist said this morning--which I cannot yet reveal, girls, but just may, at a later date, I may just have to change my modus operandi. Maybe I should make a play for that adorable Yoga instructor on Thursday. I will give you a full account of Mother Tynisha's birthday party, and I am sure she will tell all! Bet you will see Tina Turner, girls!!!!!!!!!

A husband and a house in Great Neck. And these are a few of My Favorite Things!!!!!

What are some of YOURS, darlings?????????????????????

Girls, What Do You Think Of This Potential Spring Makeover?????

What with March breezing in like a lion, lambs, it is time to be thinking about Spring fashions. But before we get to anything else, the question must be asked--with the Academy Awards only 6 days away, what is Meryl going to wear??? Does anyone out there know who is designing for her? Being Meryl, of course, if she wrapped herself in a sheet and went as the goddess Aphrodite she would like a million dollars, but of course we all want to see the Divine Meryl at her MOST Divine, and that includes a stunning designer gown!!!!

I can tell you if it were I it would be Oscar De La Renta. What with my hair and skin tones, he is the best desginer for me, darlings. Tell Anna to get him on the phone to me right now, IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But what do you think of this, girls? I grow my hair long, down to my back, dye it blonde, part it in center, and with a caftan I can pass for Michele Phillips during her Mammas and Pappas days. John and Michie were not the only ones who were itching; sweethearts, I am itching to leave something behind, and of course as always I am itching for a husband, which, even after a trumphant homily at Dignity last ngiht, did not net me one!!! So just what I am to do. I mean, Michie wanted to go to the sea, and maybe I should too. Well, we will all just have to wait and see.

The good thing is those two worst months are over, and now I can mail out my tax payment, and not think of nonsense like that till next year. It is all nonsense, anyway, goddman tax system does me no good! Fuck capitalism and corporate America; I must visit that other bog again.

Hope you girls will visit me on here for some afternoon tea, or a coffee klatch talk, or whatever. Who knows, you may see me at Monterey Pop this year!!!!!

Kisses to all my girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!