Darlings, Remember "Gidget Goes Hawaiian??????????"

                             I don't know if this is official yet, but the word on the street, girls is that sometime in 2013 there will be a new Godzilla/Gojira movie!!!!!!!  It has been awhile since everyone's  favorite radioactive lizard has been seen on the big screen, and no one will welcome him back, more than I.

                              Just look at the picture above, loves!!!!!!!!!  Isn't he the cutest thing?????   I guess in his spare time Gojira likes to travel, and here he is paying a visit to what looks like the French Riviera. Can you blame him, dolls??????  The cuisine there has to outshine the seaweed and  sushi he gets back on Odo Island!!!!!!  Even Tokyo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                Seeing this photo gives me a great idea, which I wish to impart to this potential film's screenwriters.  Instead of the usual formulaic routine, follow the style of the Gidget films, only with Gojira. Have him pay a visit to a vacation spot, and see what happens. Let viewers see how lovable this 150 foot reptile is, and how he just loves to have fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                  The word out there is that this  HUGE film star wants to work with Meryl Streep!!!!!!!!  Who can blame him????????  And MERYL has not ventured into this kind of narrative territory.  Wouldn't it be great to have her as the brilliant scientist who wants to keep Gojira alive, so she can study him, but, in the process, he turns into a big, lovable pet she takes care of, and who does her bidding, fighting for Truth, Justice, and the American Way???????????????

                                    I know what you are saying, darlings!!!!!!  Why don't I just write the script myself?????????  Well, I have other things to write, as can be seen, and MERYL has to get busy getting Amy Adams in shape for "Into The Woods," so I think I will wait and see what the writers come up with for Gojira in his triumphant return to the screen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                       Maybe even a musical, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, This Eatery Laid An Egg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                              
                                             "  Spanky: Hey Santa Claus, do you know what a shipping clerk is?
                                               Burglar: Yeah, I know what a shipping clerk is .
                                                  Spanky: What is it?
                                               Burglar:  Well...a shipping clerk...a shipping clerk...is a cluck!!!!!!!
                                                   Spanky:  My Daddy's the head cluck!!!!!!!!!!!!
                                                Burglar: Your DADDY's the head cluck??????????"

                                    Remember that wonderful exchange between Spanky and the Burglar, in the 1933 comedy, "Bedtime Worries????"  The one where his parents are named Emerson and Gay,  as opposed to John and Claudia just two years later (1935) in "Anniversary Trouble'?????????

                                     Talk about clucks!  Monsieur and I had a heaping dose, when we had a take home meal, just last night!

                                       The Hen House is hothouse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                  Both of us--Monsieur and moi--have been tempted by the Hen House, the chicken eatery near our apartment in Bay Ridge, curious to try it.  It looked clean and inviting, and the food looked luscious. 

                                   Well, girls, the place is clean and inviting, but the food was not exactly luscious!!!!!!

                                     Still in the midst of  his part of our book project yesterday, Monsieur devoted much of his free time last eve to straightening out the mess in the living room, which, I have to say,he did a great job doing.  So much so that there was no time to whip up a scrumptious meal. Not that I was expecting chateau briand (at least,not last night!!!!!!!!) or sole meuniere, but, unfortunately the choice made turned out to be our first bad eating experience in Bay Ridge.

                                         Though let me say right off, the corn bread, con on the cob and mashed sweet potatoes, were fabulous!!!!!!!!! You know what the downfall of the Hen House meal Monsieur brought home was??????????  Are you ready, darlings?????????  The chicken!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                            Can you believe it????????  This is what the place specializes in, but I am telling you, this roasted (I think it was roasted) chicken, which my partner was told had just come fresh from the oven, was burnt to a crisp!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Not only that, the meat was so dry; while it tasted like chicken, most of the flavor had gone out of it long ago.  If anything cried out for gravy, this was it!!!!! Why didn't either of us have the sense to reach for the Franco-American????????  Or Knorr's???????????

                                             And if this is how they do their chicken, heaven help them on the ribs!!!!!!  Now, I am always willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt, so maybe I will pay a solo visit there someday, just to see how things compare.  But, judging from last night, we would have done better by one of the rotisserie chickens at Key Foods or our nearby Food City, where the chicken looked tender and moist.  Just like me, each morning, after I baste myself with moisturizer and sun screen!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                               Cluck cluck, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I Promised You A Look!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                              Who says I don't keep my promises to my girls???? I told you, as soon, as I was able, I would give you a look at the Delacorte "Into The Woods."  Well, here it is!!!!!!!! Don't all applaud at once!  If what you are seeing does not exactly blow you away, do not feel bad, dolls, because my sources who have actually seen the entire production, were not blown away, either.

                                I keep hearing there are so many problems. Like the staging is uninspired.  And, not having been yet, I am inclined to agree. But what I see before me suggests more the Spook-A-Rama ride at Coney Island than this Sondheim musical!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                  The word on the street is that the pivotal roles of the Baker and the Baker's Wife are not well cast, because Denis O'Hare and Amy Adams are not vocally strong enough to perform them. Which is ironic, because both have musical theater training.  (Denis was great in the Roundabout "Assassins!!!!!!!!!")  My sources suggest both have been doing film and TV so long they have neglected to train the musical theater portion of their voices, and need to get some training fast.
Get MERYL at once, for Amy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                    And just what have they done to our Amy????  See the woman slouching behind, and to the left, of the little boy????? That is Amy Adams!!!!!!!!!!  She is wearing, I am told, a big bun on her head (because she is playing the Baker's Wife--ha! ha! A bun; get it??? What is the level of the creative team here, junior high?????), and, as for her outfit, it looks more fitting for "Les Miserables" or "Rags" than this Sondheim gem.  Even in the same role, Joanna Gleason (who owns it, darlings!!!!!!!) managed to look elegant.  Amy Adams is one of the most stunning looking women out  there, and what that bitch costume designer, Emily Rebholz, forced on her is inexcusable!!!!!!!  Plus, so I am told, she would be better off as Cinderella, although Jessie Mueller (who, with David Turner, was one of the things that saved the abominable 'On A Clear Day' revival!!!!!!) comes off better here than the leads.  At least, that is what I hear!!!!!!  Donna Murphy, I am told, is just TOO creepy as the Witch in the first half (told you they should have gotten MERYL!!!!!!!!), and the part does not suit her vocally.   As for the Little Boy, that is Jack Broderick, here playing the Narrator, once originated by the veteran actor Tom Aldredge??? How can a child be expected to deliver the opening patter that commences the show?????  Whose bright idea was this???????  Remember Dick Cavett in 'Rocky Horror' several years back????????  Now, that might have worked!!!!!!!!!!!

                                  The more I think about this "Into The Woods," the more I want to hold tight to my magical memories of the Original Production.  Or at least dig out my recording, and listen to it again; it has been awhile.  What seems to be the hottest thing this Summer could be one big fizzle by the time it is supposed to end its run, on August 25!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                       Remember, you heard it here, first, loves!!!!! And, if you go, and your experience refutes this, please tell me!!!!!!!! I would like to hope it could be improved to a point where we would all WANT to see it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                        "Isn't it nice to know a lot?  And a little bit NOT!"

One Part Fiction, Mixed With One Part Autobiography, Darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                       Girls, I just recently finished reading Teju Cole's first novel, "Open City," which caused a big splash among literary circles last year, and turned up on a lot of Notable or Best Books lists.  With its lyrical prose style, I can easily see why.

                                          The novel, though short, is tremendously scoped in content and structurally covers a lot of terrain.  Julius is a young resident in psychiatry in Manhattan, and the novel goes back and forth between his walks through the city, his experiences there, and those overseas in his native Nigeria.  The focus is tight, and never lets up, which allows Cole to keep a myriad of details and locales on track for the reader.

                                            Of course, living in New York, as I do, or even if you have been a visitor, there are enough well known locales--the Cloisters, for example--for readers to get a visual grip.  And he writes about the city in a way that is not breezy or jaded, like others out there who write about life in this varied terrain.

                                            It is a first novel, and bodes well for future ones by Cole. I have to wonder if Julius is a stand in for Mr. Cole, whether he was a psychiatric resident or not.  The narrator he has created, however that creation has been achieved, makes for a fascinating travel guide in this novel that is both a travelogue, social-historical account, and philosophical meditation.

                                             After Lauren Weisberger, this marked my return to serious Literary Fiction.  And it was a welcome return, I can tell you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                               Worthwhile reading, for all my literary minded girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I Am Telling You, Sundays Will Never Be The Same!!!!!!!!!!

                       Darlings, all I wanted, all I asked for, was a typical Sunday.  Thank God, I at least got to see one of my favorite "SVU's'--where Jane Krakowski plays Emma Spevak, serial killer of elderly women,  and, of course, my Sunday night favorite, "Nightmare Next Door!"

                         But that was about as typical as things got.  We knew, in advance, Ethan Allen was going to deliver the furniture on Sunday morning,  between eight and eleven--which meant we would have time for breakfast, I to go to Mass, etc.  Well, forget it!  Because at about eight thirty, just when we were starting breakfast, the deliverers knocked on our door.  In came the furniture; one piece was so huge, that, even though we have an elevator in the building, it had to be carried up all five flights.  I am sure no one was happy!

                          Once the workmen left, the REAL work began--opening boxes of books, and getting them on the shelves, so that it looked more homey, and I could glean what titles I need to read to fill in gaps (I still have not read "The Girl Who Kicked The Hornets' Nest"!!!!!!), how many copies of the same title I have, and, of course, getting rid of more boxes to clear space!!!!!!!!!!!!

                            My project took me about four hours, and by 2PM I was so proud of myself!  Everything where I want it, in case I want to reread.  Well, then it was Monsieur's turn, and as I have said before, for all the weeding both of us did before we moved, the funny thing is he turns out to have more books than I!!!!!!!!  Our living room looks like the picture above, a war zone!!!!!!!!!!!  I mean, what if Meryl should call??????  Or Anna?????????

                             We almost had an impromptu visit form my friend, Audrey, which would have been lovely for her to have seen us, and the apartment (which she has not seen yet) in all its chaos!!!!!!!!  As she said, the Battle Of The Bookshelves would have made for quite a Reality Show!!!!!!!!!!!

                                 And don't even talk to me yet, about the Playbills!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                However, the more things come together, the closer we get to having our housewarming, which you know, with me at the helm, will be the Social Event Of The Season--which right now, looks like Fall!!!!!!!!

                                   Love makes one do things one would not otherwise!!!!!! Would you believe I am going to allow a copy of Stephen King's "The Stand" in our house???????????

                                     Kisses to all, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, We Do Not Love THIS Bob!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                              Girls, I am telling you, I have to hand it to "Evil, I!!!!!!!!!"  Just when I think I have the serial killer market cornered, they come up with someone I have not heard about yet, and last night was a doozy.  I am talking about Robert Berdella, pictured above, who was known as "The Kansas City Butcher."   That is Kansas City, MO, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!  This guy should have been cell mates with Jeffrey Dahmer; the two would have been trading secrets like women at a Bridge club swapping recipes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                              Mr. Berdella was a man of many talents. He knew how to wield a knife, because he worked as a cook at a series of Italian restaurants.  Bet his veal picata was  something special!!!!!!!  He had attended the Kansas City Art Institute, from 1967 to 1969, so he had some creative flair.   And he got out of the culinary business and into merchandising, opening and operating a knick knacks shop called "Bob's Bizarre Bazaar," specializing in occult items. Since Berdella's reign of terror lasted from about 1984 till 1987, one wonders if the shop created by Stephen King in his novel, "Needful Things" was influenced by Berdella.

                              And, of course, like all good serial killers, Mr. Berdella had his "issues."  But, honey, I am telling you, serial killer or not, who doesn't????? And not all of us with issues become serial killers.

                               Even more unusual, in light that victims are usually female, is that, in Berdella's case, they were not.  When he was young, his father died, and his mother remarried almost immediately, which he greatly resented.  Clearly, he was acting out rage toward his mother, which, if his victims had been female, it would have made an odd kind of sense.

                                But those he chose were male itinerants, always gay, sometimes prostitutes--"lost souls", as he called them, whom he wanted to help.  How, Bob???? By injecting things like Draino into them, and recording the effects???? By shooting electric voltage through some of them,  then stopping, then starting again???   Did he have sex with these guys??? Oh, sure.  Which is why I think he killed them.  Inwardly, I think Berdella was your classic self-hating homosexual, and he took this to the extreme by wiping out any evidence that he had had homosexual contacts, at all.

                                  Did he send them on their way, with cash and good wishes???? Oh, no!!! He killed them, then dismembered (yes, girls!!!!!!!) the  bodies, stuffed them into black Hefty trash type bags, and left them out with the trash.  Their poor families never got closure on the bodies.  As he said in the program, "After the first three times, who would catch me?"

                                   He did  not count on one of those victims being able to escape. But one did, a young man named Chris Bryson, burning through his rope with matches, and fleeing the House Of Horrors to get help, tell the cops, which led to them looking into past missing men cases...and before you know it, Berdella was behind bars, for Life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                     But it was not a long one.  He died in prison, of a heart attack, at the young age of 43.  He wrote a note, claiming that he was not being given his heart medication.  Having had a drug history when he was younger, I think his heart gave out, due to that.

                                       Oh--I personally resent the swipe at John Fowles, who wrote one of my all-time favorite books, "The French Lieutenant's Woman."  Berdella had said that seeing the film version of Fowles' "The Collector" (1965, with Terrence Stamp and Samantha Eggar) had an impact on him, and influenced him to do what he did.  Too bad he wasn't inspired to jump off a roof, holding an umbrella,  like Mary Poppins!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                       Robert Berdella was one of the most disturbing cases I have seen on "Evil, I."  And of course he gave gays a bad name.  I wonder how he lured his victims, as he was not much to look at.  Money, perhaps????? Shelter?????   Darlings, I would not even date a guy who looks like Berdella, let alone go home with him.

                                         Boys need to watch out for Mr. Goodbar, too.  It's enough to consider swearing off Italian restaurants.  But what fun would that be??????????

                                            Interesting that Berdella did not live with his mother.  Maybe she knew too much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                             After you see this one, girls, you will need to soak in a hot tub!!!!!!!!!!

Allez-Vites, Mes Petits Enfants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                             When I first lived in Bay Ridge, darlings, from 1983, until 1997, the lower part of Bay Ridge Avenue, that is, the part between Third Avenue and Ridge Boulevard, was a rather rundown, dicey area.  Respectable people simply would not venture there, after dark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                              Now that I have moved back to "the Ridge," as it is affectionately called, in tandem with my lovely and loving partner, I have discovered a great many changes.  Like, you should see this area now!!!! Granted, it is still darkly lit, but along this thoroughfare is now a Key Foods market, with flexible hours, and the most sophisticated array of foodstuffs this side of Greenwich Village!!!!!!  I have to say, girls, initially it came to me as a shock, but a pleasing shock, indeed.

                             Well, now there is another.  Monsieur, my partner, is, to his credit, more venturesome than I am, so when he said he wanted to dine out and try something new, I was  skeptical.  You see, dolls, I am a Creature Of  Habit; I stake out the territory, mark what become my spots, and they become MY spots.

                                As we turned onto this section of the street, I was appalled; I thought he wanted to go the red doored Spanish type restaurant, that not only looked seedy, but had a Marshall's sign on the door, so we could not go, anyway.  We proceeded past the Key Foods, and when we stopped at Petit Oven, I said "Oh!" with a surprise.  Since moving back here just two months before, I had been curious about this little spot.  Like, for starters, what had been here before????  A nail salon????? Hair stylist????? Brothel????? Numbers Runner??????????

                                 Well, darlings, once we stepped inside, it was class all the way!!!!!!!   These are no courtesans, darlings, but two hard working gals, Nicole Guarino and Katrynza Plasjz, who have turned this little space into a romantic French-American bistro--a real  hideaway even in Bay Ridge!!!!!--with the most scrumptious menu this side of One If By Land, Two If By Sea.  Though we arrived early, business was booming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                    Let's see....what did we have?  I started with a Caesar Salad , which was luscious, even with the capers, while Monsieur had, I believe, the more exotic Salad Special, consisting of goat cheese and watermelon.  I know we both has pasta dishes; mine was a luscious Fettuccine, with Truffle Forest Mushrooms, in a luscious cream sauce, while Monsieur had a Penne in some kind of Pumpkin Pesto Sauce, which I sampled, and it proved delicious!!!!!!!!!!  We had no wine, as I had imbibed already this week, at my "therapeutic meal" at Vesuvio, so we settled for water and beverages.  And no coffee, because it was after 8, and I was working the next day!  I promise, girls, next time we return, we will have coffee.

                                      It was a good thing we shared the desert, because a full portion would have done us both in. A rich, hot bread pudding, with whipped cream and caramel sauce  was placed before us, and was so luscious we wanted to lick the bowl.  But I know my matters, darlings, having been taught well at Miss Porter's!!!!!!!!!!

                                      A word of caution.  If you are in a hurry, this is not the place to go. Like, I wanted to get home fast, to catch "Evil, I" on"Investigation Discovery." Since we dined at 8, and this went on at 10, we were fine.  But go here when you have more time, or want a small, intimate romantic night out in the Ridge that is off the beaten track.   Miss Plaszaj, who handles the cooking, does everything to order specification, which means it takes a little longer, which is perfect for those who want a romantic discussion, a marriage proposal, a property deal, or anything that  requires much talk and discussion.  Like when will it be time for Monsieur and I to plan the wedding????  That may merit another visit to Petit Oven.

                                     So petit, so cute, darlings!!!!!!!!!!  But SO good!!!!!!!!!!  Even if you have no wedding plans, stop at Petit Oven, if you can get in, and sample French cuisine in Bay Ridge.  Who would have thought?????????????

                                        Sister Simplice would have simply loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
                    

Wanda! Wanda!

                       You know, girls, when all this cheerleading business started, with that "Deadly Women" episode,  I kept thinking of the case with the mother, where, I thought, she murdered her daughter's cheerleading rival.

                        As it turns out, I had things askew.  For starters, no one was killed.  What happened was that Wanda's daughter, Shana, was beaten out of a spot on the cheerleading squad by Amber Heath.  What Wanda then did was to ask her ex-brother-in-law, Terry Harper, if he would act as a hit man, and murder Amber's mother, Verna.  Now, I don't know what kind of past Terry had, but even he must have thought Wanda nuts, because he went directly to the cops, and before you know it, Wanda was facing charges of  solicitation of capital murder!!!!!!!!!

                     How perfect are these names--Wanda, Shana, Amber, Verna!!! Talk about the White Trash Heartland!!!!!!!!

                    And, yes, there has been a TV movie about it--made in 1991, entitled  "Willing To Kill--The Texas Cheerleader Story."  Isn't the setting just perfect????  Don't folks in Texas have better things to do???? I guess not!!!!!!!!!!

                    Lesley Ann Warren plays Wanda, I am sure, to the hilt, as I have not seen it yet!

                    But, let me just say, girls, with some revisions, this too could be turned into a musical!!!!

                   The revisions would involve having an actual murder take place, with a big catfight number by the two Murdering Moms!!!! (There's a song title for you, right there!!!!!)  I am telling you, this could be the greatest mother-daughter musical, since "Gypsy!"  How about Patti Lu Pone as Wanda????????

                   What is it with cheerleaders???? Why can't girls aspire to be something sensible, like Anna Wintour???????

                      Just like me, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Here Comes What Could Be The Next Tony Award-Winning Broadway Musical!!!!!

                      Girls, I am telling you, "Death Of A Cheerleader" has all the makings of a musical!!!!!  Those choreographed cheerleader routines, for starters, but how about the scene in the hospital, where Angela Delvecchio, at this point a candy striper, terrorizes an old lady, who looks at her and screams, "You!  I know what you are!"  This moment alone screams--Show Stopper!!!

                       Actually, to pull it off as a musical, things would have to be camped up a bit, because,  with the exception of Tori Spelling as Stacy Lockwood(!!!! How campy is that name, darlings; yes, it is right up there with--ready???--Diane Dykeman!!!!) who is already camped up to begin with, the rest of the film is not.

                        Kellie  Martin gives the kind of performance as Angela one might expect from Jennifer Jason Leigh.  And wait till you see a pre-"Cold Case' and almost unrecognizable Kathryn Morris as Goth outsider Monica Whitley, who could belt out a few show stoppers, herself!!!  You just know Monica would have a number of her own!!!!

                         The funny thing is, in spite of what I am writing, the film gets under the skin in a certain way. Who among us does not have high school memories, and--I don't care who you are--some reservations about them????  The most disturbing thing about this film is that you feel  less sorry for Stacy than Angela, even though Stacy is murdered.  And you can understand the desires driving Angela towards her deed.  I know I can, because I had some of those same desires, myself!!!!!!

                         Now, despite being The Raving Queen, I never aspired to being a cheerleader!!! For me, the counterpart was being elected to the National Honor Society.  I was certainly eligible enough, as I was given a nomination form.  And, as my friend, Doug (like Angela's friend, Jill) said at the time, not everyone got even that.  But, for me, like Angela, that just was not good enough. When I lost out in my junior year, when less students are chosen, I was disappointed, but took comfort in the fact that I had another chance senior year.  After all, the then Woman Of My Dreams, Arna Zucker, who was brilliant (and went on to M.I.T., darlings!!!!) did not make it till  then!!!!  But when I was turned down next year, I was both devastated and MAD!!!!  So mad, that, on my own level, I confronted Mrs. Santamarina about it.  That bitch was as cold as ice, saying it had nothing to do with me!!!  Like hell, it did not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                   As I watched the movie, I thought, "This could have been titled, 'What If I Had Bumped Off
Mrs. Santamarina?'"  I certainly had my fantasies about that, but, outside of a verbal clashing, that's all it was--a fantasy, thanks to the fact I had two things Angela lacked--rationality and impulse control!!!!

                  Actually, thinking to back then, I always felt, maybe I had too much of such.  Maybe if I had been more outspoken, and said what I really felt--that I was better than all my classmates and teachers (which I still believe to this day, darlings!!!!!) it might have gotten me somewhere--like kicked out of Highland Park High School, which is what I secretly wanted, and put in a different school, where I belonged!!!  Of course,  back then (early 70s),  there were no alternative schools like now--just reformatories, which would have thrilled neither I nor my parents.

                 The point is, for all I felt like Anglea felt--I  never crossed that line!!!!!

                  And if I had, I could NEVER have lived with it, as long as she did, which is what amazes me about Anglea, and her real life persona, Bernadette Protti.  Even with a new identity and life, she still carries those memories.  Youthful unhappiness is one thing; living with having done murder I cannot conceive of.

                 Even more interesting, the movie, like the Rolling Stone magazine article by Randall Sullivan, which inspired it, indicts, to a certain extent, the community and its social standards, putting them as much on trial, as Angela!!!  Which is pretty gutsy!!!!

                  Maybe the way to musicalize it is to criss cross--have all the big, ensemble pieces--the cheerleading numbers, the Community-At-Large number, the Trial--camped up, while the solo numbers (with the exception of the old lady in the hospital) played straight.  And how should it end, girls???? An Ensemble finale saluting the continuation of communal hypocrisy, or Angela,  alone onstage, singing a lamentation of  chances lost (there's the song title,  "Chances Lost") as we go to fadeout?????

                   You know what ending I favor, darlings!!!!  And you better believe I want to play Angela!!!!!!!!

                   One last thing, since we are talking about high school memories.  You know Michael Karol, the big poof (because he IS big, and he IS poofy!!!!) who writes these ersatz film and TV books??? Hey, Mike, the reason you wanted me out of that audition room, was because you saw yourself (ie; gay!!!) in me, and you were just too unwilling to face that in yourself!!!!!

                      Gotcha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, As Long As We Don't Have To Deal With Them Personally, We Can Just LOVE These Teen-Age Bitches!!!!!!!!!!!

                      Oh, my God, darlings, if you thought the program "Deadly Women" was a weekly bitch fest in and of itself, you should have seen it the other night, when they upped the ante to "Deadly Delinquents."  It was a hoot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                      The least interesting of the three stories concerned Kelly Fuller, an 18-year-old
girl from Perth, Australia, who, back in 1998, murdered her romantic rival, 15-year-old Jessica Lang. (No connection to the actress, loves, whose name ends in "e.")  It seems Kelly had been going with this guy, Mike, who was a DJ (like I am SO impressed, girls???? Gag me with a spoon!!!!!), but Kelly was just too clingy, needy possessive--you know, the usual--and before you could say "Fatal Attraction," she would not move on, stalking Mike and Jessica every chance she got, culminating in a showdown at Jessica's home, where, on pretext of making amends, she shows up, gloves on hands (which should have been a warning; who wears white gloves to visit these days, and this was NO Miss Porter's grad, honey!!!!!!), concealing a knife, which she proceeds to take out and stab Jessica to death umpteen times with.  Leaving her now traumatized father to find the body,  and clean up the mess!!!!!!!!!!!!

                      But Kelly was caught, have no fear, and is in prison for good!!!!!!!!!  She got what she deserved!  This was just your garden variety teen-age "Fatal Attraction."

                       Now, remember my favorite 'SVU' episode, "Mean?"  That case was reputedly based on the Shanda Sharer case (which I have written about) and on what was described as "a similar case in California."  I think this is the one.  Three girls--Karen Severenson, Laura Doyle, and Michele "Missy" Avila--have been inseparable since childhood.  But when puberty and hormones favor Missy in looks and popularity, Laura and Karen could not stand it.  So, in 1985, they lured Missy to a park near their hometown in Arleta, California, where they beat her, knocked her down, bloodied her face with their fists and a knife, cut off her hair, then dragged her to the shallow part of a lake where they held her over, till she was almost drowned. Then they tossed a nearly 100 pound branch on her to finish the job. Nice, huh????????

                        Compare this to "Mean," which was almost the same thing. A group of girls--Brittany O'Malley, Emily Sullivan, Paige Summerbee, Andrea Kent, and Agnes Linsky--have all been friends since childhood.  Puberty is not kind to Agnes, who is horribly obese, and she becomes the target of the other three's bullying. Then, Emily turns up murdered, and at once everyone suspects Agnes.  Except it was Emily's own friends, urged on by Brittany, who was jealous over Emily going out with her boyfriend, Lucas, and, like Missy, Emily was a match for Brittany in the popularity and looks department, and, also fearing loss of control, she decides to murder Emily!!!!!!!!!!!

                          But I am saving the best for last.  This was the rivalry between Kirsten Costas, and Bernadette Protti, which culminated in murder. It seemed Bernadette, who was no slouch, wanted to be everything Kirsten was. She tried for every activity--cherrleader, girls club (the Larks) and yearbook editor, but she just did not cut it. So she decided to do some cutting herself, by getting rid of the competition. She lures Kirsten out in her car on a social pretext, then confronts her.  The distraught Queen Bee flees from the unstable Wannabe, is driven home by a neighbor, only to have Bernadette waiting in ambush for her, where she stabs her multiple times, just in fornt of Kirsten's door, back in 1984!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                           Can you believe this, darlings????????? Not even I, who was stung by high school rejection, killed anyone, though I did try and confront that bitch, Mrs. Santamarina, about my not  being in the National Honor Society!!!!!  I wanted to belt her, but I didn't. 

                              Even more unbelievable, Bernadette keeps this secret for six months, going about her life, even being a Candy Striper!!!!!!!!!!! How can she live with this??????? Does Kirsten's death bring her popularity and happiness?????????? No!!!!!!!!!  She might have been better destroying her prom, like Carrie White!!!!!!!!!  That, to me, seems more satisfying!!!!!!!!!

                                Eventually, Bernadette confesses, is caught, and sentenced to an undiscolsed youth facility (she was only 16, when prosecuted), but released  eight years later for good behavior (she had been sentenced to 9 years!!!!!!) , when she was issued a new identity, which is unknown, but would you believe, from what I have culled, she went on to get a Science Degree, marry a Professor, have two children, and writes for scientific publications???????
How does she live with herself?????????????

                                 If that sounds vaugely familiar, it should!!!!!  Writer Randall Sullivan took this story and turned it into his famous Rolling Stone Magazine article, "Death Of A Cheerleader," which became the highest rated Made For TV movie of 1994. And what a cast!!!!!!  Kelli Martin as the Bernadette figure (she is called Angela Delvecchio), Valerie Harper as her mother, Tori Spelling as the Kirsten figure (here called Stacy Lockwood--shades of Diane Dykeman!!!!--and doesn't Tori play the bitch to the hilt???????? She should, darlings; she has been doing it all her life.)  Not to mention a pre-"Cold Case" Kathryn Norris, as the Goth outsider, Monica Whitley). Now, I have not seen all of this yet, girls, but I promise, as soon as I do, I will report back!!!!!!!!!! It should be a hoot, and sounds like perfect material for a Broadway musical!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                  But what a Bitchfest these gals give!!!!!!!! If they ever repeat this one again, darlings, be sure not to miss it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                   Who needs "Heathers," darlings?????????????????????

Darlings, I Remember When He Was Hot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                               They are dropping like flies, girls, I am telling you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                Television used to be so titillating.  Back in the early 70's, during my high school years, and disregarding homework or play practice, there were two prime time shows at the time I just did NOT miss.  On Monday nights, it was "Medical Center" CBS, 8PM, with Chad Everett as Doctor Joe Gannon, and James Daly.  Then, on Tuesday, there was "Marcus Welby, MD," on ABC, at 10PM, with Robert Young in the title role, and tall, handsome, motorcycle riding James Brolin as his young, assistant, Dr. Steven Kiley.  Not to mention Elena Verdugo, as receptionist factotum, Consuelo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                  Now, personally, my taste always ran to James Brolin as Steven Kiley!!!! And even today, he is not a bad looking specimen. But I guarantee--with almost twenty years under his belt  with La Strident, he must be wasted, but good!!!!!!!  But he is STILL nice to look at, and I would not mind if he did a few more Amoco commercials!!!!!!!!! But does he have to?????? Hell, no!!!!!!!!!!!   And while his son, Josh, is no slouch in the acting or looks department, when it comes to the latter, Daddy still comes out on top!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                    Which doesn't mean I did not give Chad Everett a second--or even third--glance!!!!!!!! I most certainly did.  What was greatest about these shows, in addition to all this male pulchritude, was watching them with my mother, who had been a Registered Nurse, and, though she had been out of the field for close to twenty years by that time, there was not a medical term or ailment that came up that, if I did not know, I could ask her, and she would automatically rattle off what it was!!!!!!!!!!!!  This helped enormously during my sophomore year, when I was taking Biology.  Not to mention it told me that, at least in Biology, I was not going on to Advanced Placement!!!!!!!!!!!

                                      So, it is sad to contemplate the passing of Chad Everett, the latest casualty in what has come to be what I call the Summer Celebrity Contagion Of 2012!!!!!!!!  Haven't we had enough???????? And we are only halfway through the season!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                        I know many of my girls out there melted at the sight of Chad.  Just as some, like me, melted for James.  Chad will always be remembered as a part of our lives--my partner actually said he was his first crush!!!!!!!!!  Isn't that cute??????? And I am sure there are many out there who share that sentiment.  Alas, this just shows our age, or at least the fact that I was older. My first crush, darlings, was David Jansen!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                           Chad, you were so handsome that many were willing to overlook you overt sexism, like when you said your wife was your "property."  I know many guys out there who would like to have been Chad's property, or to have made him theirs.  Too bad you never pursued the gay S and M scene, Chad, dear!!!!!!!!  What an awakening for you!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                             Alas, Chad has left all scenes, altogether!!!!!!!!!! He will be missed!!!!!!

                                               Rest In Peace, Dr. Joe Gannon!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                Woof!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"High On A Hill Was A Lonely Goatherd!!!!!!!!!!!!"

    
                        Talk about life imitating art, darlings!!!!!!!!!  In what looks like an outtake from
"The Sound Of Music," we have, out in Utah, Goat Man, climbing ev'ry mountain!!!!!!!  Till he finds his dream, you better believe it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                          But just what is that dream, I wonder??????  In the wake of the "Batman" massacre, does he want to join the pantheon of Superheroes????? After all we have had--Superman, Batman, Plastic Man, Hawkman, Iron Man, Ant Man, Giant Man, Aquaman, and,of course, The Amazing Spider Man!!!!!!!!!!!  So maybe Goat Man wants to join this herd!!!!!!
What might his super power????? Chomping through tin cans????????  Dispensing milk to lactose intolerant infants at local hospitals???????  The possibilities are unlimited.

                         Getting back to theatrics, I don't think  this is some disgruntled Theater Queen, acting out some "Sound Of  Music" fantasy.  If it were, there is no question he would be dressed as either a nun or one of the Von Trapp Children.  Or maybe the Baroness.

                            What is more disturbing is that maybe he has issues with bestiality, like the husband played by Bill Pullman  in Edward Albee's play, "The Goat, Or Who Is Sylvia?" and is acting on that fantasy.  Maybe he feels his best chance to meet a goat partner is to dress like one.
He sure won't find one at Date Bait!!!!!!!  Old Goats, yes, but the human kind!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                Girls, you just cannot make this shit up!!!!!!!!!  Perhaps he is after his own reality show!!!!!!!!  Or maybe aspires to be transformed into a Musical--remember what a hit "Bat Boy" was??????????  Let's just hope Goat Man makes his way to New York, because if he hits Manhattan, he is obligated to go to Bergodorf's and have Ariette trim his goatee!!!!!!!!!

                                 "Lusty And Clear From The Goatherd's Throat Heard," darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, This Week's Column Practically Wrote Itself!!!!!!

               
                                  Did I really have any choice, darlings?????   After all, if I did not name James Eagan Holmes as this week's Bitch Of The Week, I might have heard about it from some of you out there, and rightly so!!!!   After all, gunning down 70 people in the enclosed space of a packed movie house is, and I do not mean this in any flattering way, a tough act to follow!!!!!  So, he is indisputably this week's winner.

                                   What can be said that has not been--lack of fashion sense, emotional instability,
sexual uncertainty; all have been charted.  But did you know a notebook was found recently, in the University Of Colorado mail room, addressed to a psychiatrist????  It was a detailed, written account, with drawings, by Holmes, of what he planned to do!!!!!  Was he being provocative??? Or did he, on some level, want to be caught, before he did the dreadful deed????  And why wasn't this notebook discovered , before
now?

                                University officials said they have done everything they could in relation to this tragedy!!!!  Oh, yeah????   Tell that to the victims, and their families!!!!  If the ball was dropped, and
it is discovered that this even MIGHT have been prevented, this school is going to find itself subject to the biggest, or the greatest amount of, lawsuits in history!!!!

                                  And all because of James Eagan Holmes, winner of this week's Raving Queen Bitch Of The Week Award!!!!  Hell, with still five months to go, he is already looking good for Bitch Of The Year!!!!

                                  His is the gift that just keeps on giving, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, They Should Have Set This One In Brighton Beach, Not Boston!!!!!!!!!!!!

          
                       Last night's latest "Rizzoli And Isles" episode, entitled, "Cut Like A Knife," had the potential to be SO exciting, girls, but it just fizzled out.  Though at least we got to see the girls in some nifty outfits; look at that red blouse Rizzoli is wearing, while Maura's brunch outfit is a stunner.  And I liked the patterned blouse Sasha Alexander wore in one scene.

                          Things started SO promisingly, with a set of nuptials about to take place, the wedding groom at the ready, in the tackiest bridal room this side of Queens.  I could just hear that Greek couple, saying "Ve make your dweams come true!"  The pink walls--girls, I am telling you it was brighter than the pink on my blog background!!!!!!!!!!!!  And I like pink, but really, this was too much!!!!!!!!!!!

                             The bride comes marching, unsteadily, down the aisle, and before you know it, topples over, where it is discovered she is all bloody and her throat is slashed.  What a beginning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                              For a change, the scene stealer last night was NOT Lorraine Bracco as Angela--who had surprisingly little to do last night--but the actress who played the groom's crazed ex-fiance, Vicky!!!!!!!!  The scene with the wedding cake was flawless. ("I was voted 'Most Likely To Succeed' in high school!" Yeah, right!  Tell that to Diane Dykeman!!!!!!!)  I only wish the show had concentrated on her, with her as the perp; then it would have been a lot of fun!!!!!!

                                But, no!!!!!!!!!!!!  We get this subplot about Jane's next door neighbor, and Frankie and Frost having the hots for her!  Then she turns out to be a drug dealer.  As for the dead bride, she is Croatian, and her sister has been abducted by a crime boss known as "Cutthroat," who leaves a signature "K" in the necks of his girls he wants to auction off to wealthy men--as sexual chattel.  It did not take me long to figure out that he was the  one who was running the website on which the groom met his bride. How dumb is her????????????

                                     I mean, it was the old Brighton Beach, Russian Mob routine, but in Boston!  They should have quit while they were ahead, and gone with Vicky, the crazy ex-fiance!!!!!!!!!

                                       And let's hope Lorraine is given more to do next week!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Fish Don't Fry In The Kitchen, And Beans Don't Burn On The Grill!!!!!!!"

                          They are dropping like flies, girls!!!!!!!!!!  Yesterday came the news that Sherman Hemsely, aka George Jefferson (and for ALL time, darlings!!!!!!!!) was found dead in his home, at the age of 74.  I am sure there was no foul play involved, but I was surprised to hear he was, so, comparatively speaking, young.  He had been around since I was a youth, and even though Isabel Sanford (may she Rest In Peace!!!!) was a bit older, I thought Sherman would, by now, be somewhere in his 80's.  And didn't you just love when he and Isabel re-teamed for those Old Navy commercials??????????

                            Thank God Marla Gibbs is still alive!!!!!!!!!  I am sure her housekeeper character, Florence, would be happy that she has outlived old George, but in Sherman's case there is the loss of a noteworthy and talented (don't forget the series "Amen!" and the Broadway musical, "Purlie!") actor.

                              I swear, more celebs have passed on in this Summer than any I can recall. I have said that before, but it bears repeating.  And many of them have been TV icons of my youth.  I know Time marches on, darlings, but could we have a break, please?????????

                               Meanwhile, Zsa Zsa is still with us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                 RIP, Sherman!!!!!!!!!!!! 

What Did I Tell You? What Did I Tell You????????

                        Oh, my God, girls, I have the most exciting news!!!!!!  No sooner has the curtain gone up on the Delacorte's "Into The Woods," where Donna Murphy is playing the Witch, which should have been played by  the actress pictured above, then comes word on the street that Rob Reiner--of all people!!!!!!--is going to do a film version of the aforementioned title, with the Divine Meryl Herself as the Witch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                         I cannot wait, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                         But I have to wonder--Rob Reiner????  He did a great job with "Misery," but, hey, that was 22 years ago!!!!!!!!!!  Where has he been, and what has he done, since??? Does he know anything about musicals, let alone Sondheim!???????   And I am telling you right now, with MERYL set, he better damn well cast Amy Adams, now doing it at the Delacorte , as the Baker's Wife in the film!!!!!!!!!   Makes me wonder how the rest of it will be cast???? Will Amanda Seyfried be in there, somewhere???? I wouldn't be surprised!!!!!!!!!!!

                        So Donna may take the Delacorte, but MERYL will reign as the definitive Witch!!!!!!  And, remember, the Witch here goes from withered crone, to Glamour Queen, which you know MERYL can do with no problem!!!!!!!!!!!!

                          This has to be the most exciting casting news since Anne Hathaway as Fantine!!!!!  Or maybe MERYL as Violet in "August:Osage County."  I cannot vouch for how the film will turn out--or if it will at all--but you know with MERYL on board, the sgins look good!!!!!!!!!!!

                             On  The Steps Of The Palace, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, There Is No Question That James Holmes Is Straight!!!!!!!!!!!!

                  
                               Now that people have processed the horror of last Friday's midnight shooting, amateur psychiatrists across the country are sinking into their chairs, trying to dissect
James Holmes' personality. And, of course, the first thing they focus on is his sexuality!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                 Some are maintaining that he is straight, while others maintain he is gay. And, of course, neither community wants him in their camp!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                    But, if evidence and the proof I offer indicate, Mr. Holmes is  straight, albeit he has some sexual issues.  And not just an inability to connect. 

                                       It seems on this website he was on Adult FriendFinder, he identified himself as straight, but said he was seeking women and couples (meaning men and women) for casual sex and flings. No serious romancing, nothing long term, just sex with no strings attached, which, if one goes about it long  enough, usually infects one with an STD!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Which I am sure Mr. Holmes, brilliant though he may be, did not even bother to consider.

                                         However, one aspect of his ad--the one where he said he was interested in couples (man and woman) indicated he had sexuality issues, because the word out there is that when two men "share" a woman simultaneously, she is acting as an intermediary for what they really want--which is to have sex with each other.  But with a female third party present, they can kid themselves that they are not gay.

                                            So, Mr. Holmes was unsure of his sexuality. Which may be one--mind you, just ONE--component of why he did what he did.

                                              But there is a more pivotal indicator of Mister Holmes being straight, and it is not that gay men are inept at handling firearms.  I am sure there are those out there who can.   More to the point is that he has no fashion sense--that red hair on his is SO unbecoming!!!!!!!!  Hey, James, if you thought you couldn't get anyone before, you sure won't NOW!!!!!!!!  And if he had, and if he had been gay, he would NOT have dressed as The Joker, he would have dressed as--pictured above--Marsha, the Queen Of Diamonds, so memorably played by Carolyn Jones!!!!!!!!!  Yes, darlings, the same Carolyn Jones who played Morticia Adams!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                              So do NOT try to pin homosexual psychosis on this guy, and hence the gay community, loves!!!!!!!!!!!  Mr. Holmes is simply a failed member of the straight community, whose extreme measures indicate a disorder that was in place--and should have been dealt with--long before he ever moved to Colorado!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Being straight has nothing to do with it, either. 

                                               Remember what Ella Friedenberg, the high school Guidance Counselor in Bel Kaufman's classic novel "Up The Down Staircase, said--

                                                 "Environmental influences are often the cause of emotional disequilibrium."

Girls, I Learned So Much From This!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                     As you know, darlings, after completing the epic--and emotionally wrenching--"Les Miserables," I knew I was going to need something light, to get me back on a good mental track.  I pondered what that might be, until I realized that I had not yet read all of
Lauren Weisberger's oeuvre.

                                     Miss Weisberger, need I say, is best known as author of "The Devil Wears Prada."  I loved that, dolls, and I adored her follow up, "Everyone Worth Knowing.'  It echoed my life, I can tell you!!!!!!!!!!   But I had not read her two most recent books yet, so after completing the Hugo tome, I thought now is the perfect time to read her third book, "Chasing Harry Winston."

                                      It was light, breezy, entertaining, just what I needed.  But I did not think it was as good as 'Prada' or "Everyone Worth Knowing," because, while the book was sprinkled with Lauren's signature touches, if it did not have those, one might easily mistake this for a Candace Bushnell knockoff.

                                        Which is not to say it is--far from it--but its centering on a trio of girls brought to mind, Carrie, Samantha and Miranda.  Except Lauren's characters were infinitely more interesting.

                                          I, of course, related most to Leigh Wisener, who was the stand in here for Lauren, herself. In every book thus far she presents a figure who is this.  If you are coming to Lauren's work via this for the first time, and do not pick up on this right away, towards the end, when the character, who has been working in book publishing (clue! clue!) decides to go back to graduate school for....Creative Writing....well, who else could Leigh be, loves????????

                                           My favorite character was Adrianna, who might easily be viewed as this book's Samantha, except she is sharper, more glamorous, and, in the long run, smarter.  Plus she offers fabulous beauty tips.  As always, when reading one of Lauren's books, one carries away a set of pointers that can be utilized for themselves in the future. 

                                             Here is what I learned from this book, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                              1.  The most sophisticated form of comfort is a coconut
                                                    dacquoise, with a glass of champagne!!!!!!!!!

                                                2.  Harry Winston's is THE jewelry store to shop at.
                                                      (However, The Raving Queen, darlings, prefers
                                                       Van Cleef and Arpels!!!!!!!!!!!!)

                                                  3.   You cannot get by without a good man's
                                                         facial foundation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                    4.  Coconut oil is essential for luscious hair!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                      5. There is no excuse for me not to have yet dined
                                                           at Daniel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                     Now, back to the matter of hair!!!!!!!!!!  Take a look at the picture of Lauren I posted. She has the most fabulous hair, girls!!!!!!!!   I would kill to have it myself--its texture, its thickness!!!!!!!!!!!  And I am telling you, while Lauren is a very good writer--I prefer her to Miss Bushnell--I am certain that her perfect hair was, especially her first time out, a factor in her being published.

                                      And, darlings, guess what????  Since I last read one of Lauren's books, she has found herself a husband, and by now (because the pregnancy photo I saw was taken last year when promoting her most recent book, "Last Night At Chateau Marmont," which you know I want to read, darlings, because I have always wanted to stay there, she has given birth to that child she was then expecting!!!!!!!!  Wonder what she had, darlings??????  If anyone out there knows, please tell me!!!!!!!!!!!

                                       So, Lauren and I have something in common, since we both write and have found husbands.  Maybe we should bond over some nice coconut dacquoise and champagne!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                        If you are a Lauren Follower, like moi, you cannot afford to miss "Chasing Harry Winston."  If you are new to Lauren's work, go in order--start with 'Prada' and advance.  Starting here, you may not "get" Lauren.

                                          And I cannot wait for her next book, because you know marriage and that baby will just inform it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                            Meanwhile, girls, I have GOT to do something about the thickness and texture of my hair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                              What is your secret, Lauren????????????????????