Girls, It Was Just Me In The Kitchen All Weekend!

Darlings, you would not believe the weekend I had. It started with me going to the market to get all kinds of ingredients, because, in one day, on Saturday, loves, I wanted to make the Chocolate Cream Pie made by Amy Adams in "Julie and Julia," and then I wanted to get into New York to see "The September Issue," the indie documentary on Anna Wintour, who in case you don't know, darlings is the high priestess of the fashion world that we all love, darlings! I am telling you, Anna Wintour is GOD!!!!!!!! Actually, she is probably tougher!

But me weekend, girls, turned into a scene right out of "Julie and Julia". I began in mid morning and did not finish till 5PM! The results were interesting but as I was juggling several different tasks, the phone kept ringing, because my friend, Danny, could not understand what I was doing and that I could not just drop everything to see a movie, the toilet was leaking, and my stove, while working, was not perfect. I had the super in and out while I was doing all this, and now he and others have to come back tomorrow, and I have to stay home. I mean, is this my life, or what?

Let me tell you, lambs, when I spooned the chocolate filling into the pie crust I felt just like Amy Adams. I also set it in the fridge to congeal and, darlings, let me tell you, it did! Who would think I could make a pie? Plus the filling was so scrumptious I could make a batch and serve it over fruit with my book group! I could be the social success of the Fall Season!

Let us just hope I survive my day of confinement and that things get done! Because I have other things to attend to this week, and my next project has got to be the summer squash casserole, while the summer squash is still in season.

So, it's back to cooking and love, girls. I can onl pray the former get me the latter!
Love to all, sugar darlings!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, Just A Few More Hours Till You Can Remove Those Girdles!!!!!

...And then the weekend will be here, and girls I plan to cook up a storm and get my hair done. Tonight I may sautee the vegetables to get ready for this weekend's pasta dish, and I will have to go to the market several times for that and the chocolate cream pie recipie. A pie plate or one with graham on it! Darlings, I have to do my Amy Adams thing because before you know it I will be a culinary genius. And how about that title, "Antibiotics At An Irish Wedding?' But tongiht I am taking David home and then home to Queens, where I will do something. Maybe stop at Fairway for summer squash!

Damnit, I just cannot WAIT to get outta this girdle!

Girls, It Is Back To Fashion Tips And Hair!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, this weekend the film to see is "The September Issue," a documentary profiling fashion high priestess Anna Wintour. Now there are days where I am such a bitch some people think I AM Anna, so it would be interesting to put the two of us in one room. But I have recovered from my attack yesterday and after I get David safely home I am going to spend this weekend cooking like Amy Adams. I have GOT to attempt the chocolate cream pie if I am going to feel fulfilled and feel that the possibility of a husband exists!!!!

I mean, what is it with men? Can't they make up their minds about some things, at least? Like their sexuality???? I know I expect more from others because I am brilliant, but damnit brilliance expects brilliance!!!! I left Linda Johnson and that whole Goat Alley thing far behind!
I turn my nose up and my thumb down on it!!! Imagine Chris Oswald (RIP) calling me a "goddmamn stuck-up snob!" You know something? She was right! And I am damn proud of it!
Trouble was I should have said it back then! But look what happened to her--trash like her gets up getting killed in a car accident like Ginny in "Splendor In The Grass." So I am here to tell you, girl, that if you feel you are superior, make no appologies for it! And if anyone tells you any different show them the writing on the wall. That's what happeend with Vincent; he questioned my brilliance a bit too much, and I put him in his place! Now he has nothing to benefit from!
Toujous too bad!!! I will give you a full report on Anna this weekend, girls! And lick some cream! Chocolate cream, I mean, pets!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I Just Have To Bitch!!!!!!

I am feeling like a real bitch today, darlings, one reason being I did not get much sleep last night. This was my fault, because last night I overate and drank at Marinella's. Guess I should do what Julie Powell says and stick to your kitchen, where you know where what you are eating is coming from.

The other reason to bitch are stupid New Yorkers or out of towners who don't know how to walk. I mean, when you approach them, instead of getting out of your way, they expect you to move for them! Sweetie, I don't move for ANYONE!!!! I am too fabulous for that!!!!!

Here I am less than three months shy of my mid-Fifties and no partner or prospect of one. Forget sex; I mean, huh? what is that? I can't remember. So I am just fit to bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!!!!!!!!!!

I think I need a good dose of Amy Adams. I need to attempt that chocolate cream pie!Or something that will make me feel accomplished and accepted!

Rest assured darlings I will not give up. I may be down, but I ain't through yet!!!!

Darlings, I Don't Know How I Keep Up With Myself!!!!!!!!!!

Sweeties, I am telling you, what with my screening last night of "In A Lonely Place," with Gloria Grahame sauntering sultrily across the screen in a stunning series of eye-catching fifties outfits, plus the pile of work I have in front me, which I cannot even finish, because of the desk schedule, and then having to visit my friend David in the hospital as he valiantly fights for his life...girls, it's not easy. It's not all Julie and Julia, much as I would love it to be. I am telling you I think I need something to relief stress and after my visit I may check out East of Eights to see if they have the beef bourgenon, or I may just go down to Marinella's and pay them a surprise visit! Hell, I deserve it because, I am SO fabulous, darlings.

Then there is my friend Doug, whom I adore, and have since when we were in kindergarten in Irving with that witch named Mrs. Compton who should have been burned at the stake, but who (Doug, I mean) has yet to experience the radiance of Amy Adams. It is just a matter of time, of course, for how can anyone resisit Amy. But to confuse the remarks Time Magazaine made about Julie Powell with Adams herself is not to be overlooked. And as far as what was said about Powell, save for her culinary skill, it is equally applicable to me. I want, after all, the contemporary payoff of fame, I feel it is owed, after what I had to go through in Highland Park and with some of my overbearing Neandrathal relatives, and while I did not consciously start this blog, loves, with the idea of leading to something, I am beginning to see now where it just might possibly. And of course I welcome comments on it all the time, even if those comments tell me to go fuck myself, because you know what, dolls? I will just tell you to go fuck yourselves right back. You can say whatever you want to me because this bitch has heard it all and is not about to be knocked down by the scum of middle class conformity!!!! So kiss me and love me or not because I am here to stay, and don't anyone forget it!

So tonight it is the hospital and a bite afterwards. I may do some cooking tonight! See you all later, darlings!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, Where In The World Am I Going To Get Some Beef Bourgenon????

Let me tell you, darlings, that in spite of that SOB Mr. Weisner I am going to dine on the above,if only I can find a place that will serve it. And of course with a fine red wine. Now there is the Paris Commune on Bleecker, and the East on Eight with their Julia Child menu, so we will see, but tonight, girls, I have to get down to the Film Forum to catch Gloria Grahame in one of her great roles in Nicholas Ray's "In A Lonely Place," which is being shown again by popular demand. So I may not have time to pop in for some beef bourgenon tonight. So help me, if old man Weisner comes near me and tries to insinuate his way into my graces I will cut him down dead; I will destroy him like the young Briony in "Atonement," and you know, darlings, what a bitch I can be when I set my mind to it. But I think after yesterday when I glared at him, he will
steer clear of me. But he is not going to prevent me from dining on beef bourgenon when I want to. Of course, by winter, I want to make my own, and I plan to, but we will have to see. Maybe I should just learn to open a bottle of wine and get drunk. Then before you know it I will be an alcoholic, which is just what I need, what with all the moral depravity in "East of Eden," the Great American Epic Novel. Darlings, I may be down but Mr. Weisner is not going to have me down for long. That sot is ready for the canner's and he looks like he will croak over any day. Hell, he has so little flesh on him, if he were to get cancer, it would take him within a week!!!!
See what a bitch I can be, girls??? Let's hope I can get to that film or some bourgenon in me to make me feel better. Then it will be back to fashions and hair tips, girls!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Do You Think It's All "What's The Matter With Helen?"

I am talking, of course, about my life, darlings, which, like everyone else, has its own peaks and valleys, even if I am more brilliant and fabulous than anyone else. To which, girls, I just HAVE to give you a full report of Saturday night, when I made a brief but telling appearance at John Falcon's birthday party. Sweetie, the room was packed--even spinster and diva wannabee Barbara Mohr was there, with Abba videos blasting and of course movies in the bedroom..uhm hmmm! But, sweethearts, I have to tell you, the bathroom simply sparkled, though I would suspect that is Matias' doing. John's partner, who as far as I am concerned, is quiet, gracious, and can do a hell of a lot better than John. As I walked about the place I noticed very little in the way of decoration and no books, which, which darling, bespeaks to me of a culturally lowbrow household, which is something I simply cannot tolerate. But the gorgeous, quiet, tree laden pre WWII building neighborhood floored me. I mean, girls, how can they afford it? No one has any idea of what Matias does, while John teaches at some Catholic school, which is hardly Wall Street, darling, but then running up to Boston for spiritual and scriptural programas and certificates. I think Daddy and Mommy are funding all this, because his manner and bearing are that of such a spoiled Italian boy. No wonder his behavior in choir has been the way it it, though I have noticed with the advance technique of Tom McGuiness he has not been coming to choir quite so often.
How interesting. But the evening was a success, we signed John's birthday book and a good time was had by all. Did I resent it?l Not a bit, because darling my place is a monument to sophistication and literature, and everything else can go to the wayside. And yes I was right, there was certainly no action to be had here in Jackson Hts. You would think a borough named Queens would afford more opportunities, but darling, I am telling you, I did my duty and went my merry way. Love to all, girls, who were there, and hope to see you again at even more sophisticated gatherings!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, Dinah Washington Got It Right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am telling you, darlings, the last 24 hours--first a scrumptious meal at Center Cut--Steak Diane, mushrooms, asparagus, wine and coffee, and, for the first time in 40 years, Cherries Jubilee on the menu!!!! Honey, this is the elegant revenge I have always dreamt of!!! Then tossing and turning all night, waking up during a thunderstorm, sweated and stained, which caused me to get not much sleep and be an absloute bitch to Mr. Weisner, who had a point, which I was just not feeling up to hearing!!! And then faced tonight with the unheard of--going to Mr. John Falcon's party, which is going to be amazing considering we were about as close as snakes and victims!!!! I bet he will sing and demonstrate his tremendous ego! I have to confess I am going motivated out of curiousity.

And me reading The Great American Epic Novel--John Steinbeck's "East of Eden," with the bitch of all time, Cathy Ames. This woman is Satan, which is why the subtitle should have been WOMAN AS SATAN!!!!!!!!! Honey, I am a sweetheart, compared to her, even when I am a bitch!!!! Bitches like she, like that Maragret and Elena, should get their comeuppance in the form of slow, painful, suffering deaths!!!!! Flaunting their so-called disgusting vaginal power! Well, thank God for homosexualiaty, because we spit in the face of the so-called Almighty Vagina!!!! It repluses us, and it repulses me!!!!! Even Steinbeck should have known better--he wrote this but stuck his to women anyway. Get rid of straights, who needs 'em????

My, am I a bitch today! I am going to be in great shape for that party. Well, I will give you a full report, girls? Who knows, maybe I will find action. Oh come on; are you kidding? In Jackson Hts? At John Falcon's??? Sweetie, MY action comes from a suite at the Pierre!!!!

Darlings, Let Us Not Forget The Importance of Class Distinctions!!!!!!

Last night, girls, we caught a recent screening of the classic "Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte." What a revelation, I am telling you! Because what I realized upon this viewing is that, beneath the Gothic trappings, this is, first and foremost, a film about class distinctions. And if that White Trash upstart Miriam Dearing had maintained hers, none of the tragedy would have happened.

Consider:

John Mayhew was obviously the male White Trash counterpart to Miriam Dearing. Jewel was, like Charlotte, the daughter of wealthy Southern gentry, which is why John married her. For her wealth, and to pound some legit pussy, because you just know darlings that a White Trash buck like John is just one big Southern horndog! So he certainly did not stop pounding non-legit pussy, and I bet, darlings, he and Sam Hollis passed each other many times going up and down stairs evenings at local brothels. So each knew what the other was.

Sam Hollis, additionally, whether he realized it or not, had incestuous designs on his daughter. No, he did not act upon them, BUT they were there, which is why not only did he not want his daughter to marry John, he did not want her to marry ANYONE!!!!!!!!!

John carries on with Charlotte. Miss Trash Miriam squeals to Sam, who refuses to believe a socially inferior wench. But when Jewel herself comes calling on Sam, he cannot deny the truth. What I think Bitch Miriam set in motion was for Sam to tell Jewel to murder her husband. At the party, there are repeated shots of Sam walking about the grounds. He is watching and waiting for John to get to the summerhouse, so he can tell Jewel to go ahead--which she does.
Charlotte finds the dead John, loses it at the party in that blood saturated dress, and everyone, of course, thinks she did it. All the fault of a scheming White Trash bitch who would not stay in her place!

Darlings, it never occured to me before, but, this time, I wondered--maybe Miriam is not Charlotte's cousin, but Sam Hollis' illegitimate daughter. Her mother was a sorry up-North waitress, whom Sam could easily have had a dalliance with, and impregnated. When she wrote to him for money, faced with exposure, Sam decides to buy the slut off, and raise the child in genteel surroundings, pacifying the mother with the prospect of a better life for the child, but all the while never letting Miriam forget that she should be grateful for being removed from the gutter, and that she will NEVER be the equal of Charlotte. But no, Miss Entitlement Bitch Miriam thinks she is better--a mistake social trash often make. And this is Miriam's lifelong downfall!

So, the women are not cousins, but half-siblings, and do not know it. What only Charlotte seems to know is, twice, when she says "John never even...." and we know the truth--the relationship was never consummated, as everyone thought. Plenty of cuddling and petting, but no going all the way. Charlotte was not trash, like Miriam.

And that trash continues to worm her way into the gentry by making a play for Drew Bayliss, another wealthy Southern scion. Drew may be gentry, but his instincts are sleazy--probably over charges and over medicates his patients. So, when scandal erupts, socially prominent Drew rightly drops Miriam, and she flees to Paris. Where she plots vengeance on all!

Much is made of the fact that John's dismembered head was never found. I know where it is, darlings! The answer lies with Jewel Mayhew, and William Faulkner's short story, "A Rose For Emily."

Let me tell you, girls, this story relates to my life. Because in my town, I came from the RIGHT side of town, the North side. It would have been like if one of the girls from unspeakable Goat Alley, that South section across Woodbridge Avenue, down the hill from Nani's, filled with shany apartments and trash one floor dwellings, had tried to marry a boy from Harrison Avenue. Like Linda Johnson, who well knew her class distinctions and never rose above them, because she knew damn well she couldn't!!! She was the epitome of Goat Alley. And if someone like her had tried, I am telling you, it simply would NOT have happened. Linda Johnson, whose blue collar Goat Alley ilk my parents forced me to associate with, thinking it would make me a better person, when in fact it only made ME more aware of MY class distincitons, but because of this I was stigmatized and labeled and denied my true aristocratic professional heritage of the moneyed professions!!!!! So "Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte" is a cautionary tale for all Miriams to stay in your place, and don't try to rise above the trash you really are, because sooner or later you will always be found out!!!!!!

I want my own copy of Crimes Of Passion, with the headless John Mayhew--House of Blood!!!!

The September issue of Vogue is now on sale, girls! Don't forget to buy it!!!!!!!!

Girls, I Am Wearing My Special Panties!!!!!!!!

Darlings, the reason for the above is that today, in addition to being the National Pilgrimage of the Fench people to Lourdes, is the birthday of the radiant and captivating actress, Miss Amy Adams. I should look so gorgeous, girls, when I turn 35!!!! So I knew that my wardrobe today had to be special, calling for my white panties with multi-colored letters saying Happy Birthday written all over them, which I had specially desigined for me, lambs!!!!! Make sure you light a cupcake and candle for Amy, after all she has done for us on film these last several years. Or better yet, make one of her "Julie and Julia" recipies in her honor. I may do the chocolate cream pie, girls!!!!!

Last night I was exhausted, what with cooking up a storm, I actually fell asleep without any drugs! Can you believe that? Oh, well, just more for me on some other night when I really need them! Judy would be SO proud! And tonight is another evening out, what with the Chelsea screening of "Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlottte" which is sure to be in air conditioned comfort and still a hoot, what with Mary Astor as the Southern bitch Jewel Mayhew, which is MY role, Olivia De Havilland as white trash cousin Miriam Dearing, and of course the godlike Miss Agnes Moorhead,who just walks off with the film as Velma Cruther! In the parody stage version called
"Shut Up, Sweet Charlotte!" I want to play Velma!!!! So tonight we get to see the REAL Velma!
Plus it will be fun to see what queens turn out for this screening on this night of Amy Adams ' birthday, and go out afterwards to have some drinks--as if queens need any excuse for a drink!!!
In honor of Amy I am also wearing my yellow Christian Dior shirt, dolls, so you know I am dressed to the max1

Wishing you all a simply divine day, darlings! And don't forget to use that cold cream!!!

Girls, There Is Still Political Theater

Darlings, last night after a frazzled day at the office, I was offered a ticket to "The Temperamentals," the gay theater sensation off-Broadway in midtown, and political theater is still alive and well in this tale of real life activists Harry Hay and Bob Hull, among others, who, long before Stonewall, founded a LGBT group called the Mattachine Society. Hay went from being a married hypocrit with a wife to an out and out activist and founder of the Radical Fairies. Of course, we can't really call him gay, since he stuck his penis into a disgusting vaginal hole, but he did pave the way. The evening was beautifully staged on a square stage visible from all sides, and the space insured intimacy. The actors were compelling in their roles, though I was disturbed, darling, by the revelation that Hull killed himself in 1962. Basically, he couldn't handle gay old age (at 44?!!!!) and not being able to score with sweet young things! I mean, come on! Girls, you know I am single right now, and I have been through every concept of nut job in Manhattan gay relationships, and I am 54 (though my professional age is still 24!) and I am still here! Not a cheery message for young gays. Aging is no reason to kill yourself; just curl up with Ann Margret in "Bye, Bye, Birdie" and do the opening and closing numbers, and darling your life will continue. Nonetheless the virtually all gay audience enjoyed the wit and humanity of "The Temperamentals," which I highly recommend!!!!! Darlings, political theater of high quality is not dead!!!! So strap yourselves into those girdles and make an evening of it!!!!!
See you on the aisle, girls!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes All It Takes Is A Phone Call Or Email!!!!

......to go from ennui and bitchery to euphoria! Darlings, last night after working a harrowing day at the office I got home too late to cook Julie Powell/Amy Adams anything from my kitchen, hot and famished. I took a cold shower and got into--more onto--bed, girls. Before dozing off, I checked my answering machine, and lo and behold I have a theater ticket tonight to the most senastional gay play in town, darlings, "The Temperamentals." Sweeties, you know I am--temperamental, that is. I will give you a full report on how it was and who wore what, and you better believe I am dressed in my Ralph Lauren, lambs.l No one has to tell me how to dress for the theater!

Then lo and behold at work I get an email for a scrumptious dinner on Friday. Which means I can't make Naomi's show, but darlings you just never know--the way I bound about I may end up at both.

I know I MUST end up at the NYFF screening of "The Wizard Of Oz" on September 26, to comememorate the 70th anniversary of my all-time favorite film. Have not seen it onscreen in a couple of years so it is welcome. And very appropos.

So, darlings, in betweent the bitching, you just never know. Tomorrow is certainly my cooking night, as I am occupied both tonight and Thursday, which is the Chelsea screening of "Hush...Hush, Sweet Charolotte," a hoot and a half, with Brini Maxell, whom I can outdo, darlings! I am telling you, girls, we just don't know when to stop!!!!!!!!

See you later, darlings!!!!!

Girls, I Forgot To Mention.........

............that on Friday evening I had the most FABULOUS meal at Seppi's, over on West 56th Street, betweeen Sixth and Seventh Avenues. This is a charming French bistro and restaurant, which I discover I had been to. In a situation that could have been frought with trouble, it turns out that several years ago my deranged ex, Chris, and I had Sunday brunch there, a fact confirmed for me by the bistro being located almost directly across from his building, and that the brunch consisted of everything chocolate, which I distinctly remember. Being back in this area made me queasy, as I was afraid Chris would turn up, though, really that is very unlikely as he is most probably still working at Riker's or, judging from how he behaved when we broke up, imprisoned there. But the meal was fabulous with white Caubarent Sauvignon, bowtie pasta in a brown cream sauce, with duck confit, and vanilla ice cream for desert, with coffee. The only way this meal could have been improved would be if Amy Adams had appeared to pour the wine, or had cooked the meal. Be that as it may, it was just so scrumptious, girls!!!!!!!!!!

And then I get in here, girdle and panties, and everything, where I discover I am not only on the opening desk at 12, but a 4PM desk which I missed inadvertently, which would have given me a total of 5 desks!!!!!!! Sweetie, I do NOT do five desks! And if you think I am going to start then I will give it to other people the way I gave it to Dorothy Swerdlove on my last post. And just wait till you see how I give it to Donald Fowle later this week!

Today I disovered that people are reading my blog. I actually had one comment on it, a constructive one, informing me of something I should look at on YouTube, which I will. I wish more people would challenge me; you think it bothers me being called a nut or a psycho????
Hell, honey I know who I am superior to, and have known it since I was five years old. That almost makes it 50 years. So stay tuned, girls, because over the next several weeks, things could REALLY rip on here!

Can't wait to get home and cook, free from my girdle and panties!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, It's Monday, So Back Into Our Girdles And Panties!!!!

............And in this weather! Girls, how can we stand it? By the time I got onto the subway this morning my panties were wet!

This weekend was a whirlwind, darling! I caught a second viewing of "Julie and Julia," which wa just as enchanting and magical as ever! I made a fabulous salad with cilantro and red wine dressing, I finished my home made leftovers, made another smoothie, and bought some more produce for some cooking I plan to do tonight.

Sunday I had lunch with my friend Harvey, and then sang in the choir at Dignity, and wasn't I just FABULOUS, girls!

I want to say a word about my friend, Harvey. He is so brave. Having lost his job unfairly, he is taking solid legal action, and girls, I not only hope he wins and gets a big fat settlement out of it, but nails the two witches who did this to him to the wall, have Oprah call him, and get a Lifetime Movie deal out of the whole thing! Trouble is, the ONLY one who can play Harvey is Harvey!!!

However, Harvey's experience reminds me how inadequate female administrators are. Not that male ones can't be. But nine times out of ten, if there is a problem on the job, it is because the adminsitrator is a woman. Listen to this girls.

Back in my early days, the department I was in was presided over by a short, spinsterish woman named Dorothy Swerdlove. Yeah, she was shor of love, all right. A would-be Jessica Tandy, lacking the talent to match, she would star-fuck and name drop her way at receptions and parties and of course the celebs had no clue as to who she was. She had a voice that dripped honey, but for many reasons, not to mention that I was young and intellectually brilliant, she took a dislike to me. Two cases in point:

On Friday, April 1, nearing the end of the day, I set some files and materails out on the desk, to be done first thing Monday morning. I had been doing other things, and had had not time to fie this. Well, on Monday there was this note attached to the files saying "Please see me.
Also, how come you did not correct it, the first time I told you about it?" What the fuck? So I found Miss Swerdlove, and when I tried to explanin that I simply left it for first thing in the morning, she berated me about daydreaming and how I must stop it, etc. Totally inappropriate and uncalled for. Also devastating in that this came two days after only the 4th anniversary of my mother's death, which I was still hurting from. I hated the bitch from that day forward, and resolved not to have much to do with her. I was polite, but never overly friendly. And she continued this dilike subtly. My job at the time involved NOT working with the public, which was something I loved to (and now) do. Three times during her tenure opportunities for positions that could put me in such came up--each time I applied, each time I was rejected. But I got back at her. In 1985, one of my former colleagues downstaris decided to pursue her MLS, which left her old job line open. I was asked by the Supervisor there if I wanted to come back downstairs, and it took me only half a second to say yes. Well, I went through all the formalities, got the job, and boy was Dorothy Swerdlove pissed. For one thing, she delayed my starting date! For another, right before the starting date, October 15, I had been out a few days. Because of this I decided to come in and work on the 13th to clean off my desk for the next person. I had been to see a play the night before, and one of my coworkers, Ed Sager, (RIP) was asking me about it. Dorothy came into the room, walked over to me, and with that cheery voice said--her exact words--"Michael, excuse me for interrupting. I know this is your last day, and I don't mean this to be as nasty as it sounds, but we ARE going to get some work out of you today, aren't we?" Then she walked away. Even Ed was appalled. Fucking bitch.

So I am with Harvey all the way in pursuit of a lawsuit. I still wish I could do something to Dorothy Swerdlove, but you know what? Time will do to her what I could not. Get Alzheimer's and die, bitch!

See what wearing these goddamn girdles and panties do to me, girls? I promise to lighten up. Back to cooking like Amy Adams!

Ta-Ta!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, We Are Perfect For A Party Or A Snack!!!!

Let's face it, darlings, somedays you just feel like Laughing Cow cheese!

Are you aware that this weekend is the 40th anniversary of Woodstock? And the 40th anniversary of my traispsing out to the Jersey Turnpike on foot--that's right, lambs, a precocious lamb myself at 14 determined to be part of the scene with all those great acts! Instead, friends of my parents returning from somewhere in Jersey saw me, dragged me home, and that was it for going to Wooodstock. I listened to the whole thing from my room over that weekend. Then, because I was SO young and precious, I had to get my father to let me into the movie, which really freaked him out, especially with Joe Cocker's "Gimme an F.....!" which had him sinking into his seat in humiliation, as I joyously shouted "Right on!" waving my politically active fist!!!! And then came the famous three disc set album which I blared "Volunteers" from my bedroom window one Sunday morning, to give my entire suburban neighborhood the benefit of the Woodstock expereince! Did the phone really ring then!!!!!!

But this was how it was down Memory Lane, girls, as the summer of '69 was probably the most exciting my generation had! And who thought, 40 years later, I would be around to record it to all my darlings here on this blog! So wish me luck with the casserole, darlings, and don't worry in just a few more hours we can all slip out of our girdles for the weekend! Mine is killing me!

Have a fun one, girls!

Darlings, I Am SO Highly Sophisticated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I was sophisticated from the moment I was born! By the time I was in fifth grade, I knew who Greta Garbo was, what the most exclusive eating establishments in New York City were, and that I was destined to end up there after shaking off the foundations of the small town I grew up in, and the hicks there! The life I have gone on to live is the life I was destined to lead, one far beyond their mediocre milieu. I have dined in places they could not begin to imagine, because their limitiations were such they could not imagine life beyond their psychologically gated community, or even wanted to. And now they have all gone on to live that same, boring life, whereas I, whom they spat upon and abused, claiming "I was not real," that I did not fit in, have surupassed them in social, educational and sexual experience!

Sweeties, this week I feel like I have been on a press junket! I am so exhausted I actually crashed. Cooking in my own kitchen, where I know where everything is coming from, is so therapeutic, it makes me feel like Amy Adams!!!!! And of course, you know my weekend, darlings will include a repeat viewing of "Julie and Julia!!!!!!" Meanwhile, here I am, back in my cubilce, ready to take on the public, who damn well better be ready for me, because, lambs, I will spit their stupidity right back in their faces!!!! I am telling, you, girls, sometimes it is so much fun to be an evil bitch, especially when the ones you strike out at are more evil than even you are capable of being!!!!! If everyone would just curl up with some Dickens or Trollope in the winter, or Judith Krantz in the summer, it would be a better world. "Scruples", darlings, could help reduce terrorisim!!!! And every young gay man should be REQUIIRED to read "I'll Take Manhattan," and then see Valerien Bertinelli in the made-for-TV movie!!!!!

This weekend I plan to make Audrey's Summer Squash Casserole! I will let you know how that turns out, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I Am SO Exhausted On My Path To Celebrity!

Darlings, I just had to crash today because I was exploding in my head from the sinues of the sudden summer heat, what with me trying to cook like Amy Adams, which I am making fabulous progress in , darlings, cooking potato omlettes and casseroles and smoothies, and wait till Saturday, when I make Audrey's Summer Squash Cassserole. I am telling you, girls, you have to crash when you are fabulous, and I almost made it to another viewing of "Julie and Julie" this afternoon, which I would have loved, sweets, but I just napped for five solid hours! From 11 to 4! Then it was teatime, girls, and this daughter just got up pulled herself together, and walked out the door into the world, where I am blogging away at the office. I just don't know how I do it, darlings; you have to be brilliant, in order to live my life. So back I am tomorrow what with my career job and then evening dinner at Seppi's with a fine wine which should knock me out colds.
Watch for the wake up report, girls; I will see you then!!!!

Girls , Our Hair Looks Fabulous!!!!!

Darlings, I am telling you, we should be riding high, what with our spectacular Italian casserole a la Amy Adams a triumph, which Amy herself would approve of. But with this heat the weather goes right to our head and sinuses which means it is either major sinus attack or migraine time!
I sure hope I can avoid both, because sweeties, between my career, cooking and social obligations, not to mention trying to get some action, I cannot afford any crash or burn time. Facial cream, hair shampoo...I simply have to stock up, because in this weather girls, it goes SO fast! And just how am I supposed to maintain my beauty?????

Yes, dears, it takes work to be this fabulous; in fact it is my 24 hour, 365 day job which is why
I sometimes look harried, trying to keep up with myself! I need some action, darlings, to make me remember I am a person of fulfillment. Instead I think I will just curl up with a book and bottle of white zinfadel, befor my hair curls.

Stay tuned for more, girls!!!!!

Darlings, Tonight I SImply Have To Go Home, And Cook Like Amy Adams!!!!

Darlings, I am telling you, MY project is turning out, with my lack of expereince, to be as daunting as Julie Powell's. This morning I flubbed poaching an egg; my first culinary error. Just like my relationships with men--they fall apart! So tonight I am determined to go home and concoct some pasta veggie combo with a salad that will make me feel SO like Amy Adams I will start to think that I AM Amy Adams!

365 days of cooking something for myself, no matter how small! By then, like I said it will be time to invite AMY and MERYL to my place for Beef Bourgenon. Just think what I will have to do in terms of redecoration, my bathroom, my hair, my nails and wardrobe! I don't want to think about it right now! The bathroom SO needs to be bleached!

So think of me this evening, girls, sweating and fetid under a stove in this weather, just like Amy in "Julie and Julia!" This had better get me a man!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, It Is Time To Talk About Men!!!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, it is not easy--trudging in cubicleland all day, coming home and having to cook, even if there is no one to cook for. Darlings, I have my found MY OWN personal Julie Powell project--I am simply going to cook something on my own for myself every night! And 365 days later=--voila!--beef bourgenon with Amy Adams!

Wish I could be as inspired with men. What with my little hamentaschen pining away for someone in Boston who does not even given two shits about HIM, while someone local--ie; ME--cares a lot for him; a handsome professional who is so coy or hard to get or whatever, daring me to be Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction," which I refuse to play, because hell, I do not look good in a perm. Neither did Robert Reed, but I guess that was his way of letting everyone know about him on "The Brady Bunch!" Then of course there are these aberrant Bottoms who see in me something they want and then ask ME to dominate them. Darlings, my idea of domination is getting someone to do my laundry, groceries or cleaming my apartment. Now THAT would be worth having a slave for!!!!

Why can't I meet a nice normal man, like Amy Adams? I mean, not that Amy Adams is a man, darlings, just that her fiance is so nice and normal. But, being straight, he can't tell her what dress to wear for their evening out--just that she looks great in it!!!! Which of course she does!

If only I could look as good in one of Amy's dresses. Girls, it all goes back to when my parents gave me the Debbie Reynolds Dress Designer Kit from Colorforms. This was Debbie during her "Tammy" period and you got to dress her in fabulous outfits, and didn't I have a flair for that, darlings! So instead of sending me to a Beauty Academy, my parents insisted on a baseball motif bedroom! Sweethearts, I am telling you, who were THEY kidding????

Having a man to greet me at the door with a glass of wine or a gimlet or something. To open the wine bottle, which I have no idea how to do!!!!! Darlings, men are good for all sorts of things beside sex? You think I want a man for sex? Honey, that ambition vanished twenty years ago!
I just want a MAN to have someone so nice to come home to!!!!!!

So, darlings, if you know of anyone, send them my way!!!! Or maybe I should wait till
I have some cooking techniques under my belt!

Ta ta, girls!!!!!!!!!!!

We Are Moving Right Along, Girls!!!!!

Darlings, still on a high from "Julie and Julia," and slaving away in my cubicle, I just had to take some time out to blog. Recipies are coming in from all places, now that I have made my first Smoothie; people are actually amazed! And I got, darlings, the film's Raspberry Bavarian Cream recipie!!!!!

Honey, when I get through, Amy Adams will be coming to my house for beef bourgenon. We will talk about hair and designers. And I am sure she will bring something scrumptious to serve along with the beef bourgenon. Love to see what kind of salad Amy can cook up!

Girls, maybe my inspiration should be Julie Powell--in that, inspired by her I should cook something OF MY OWN every day! Darlings, there are going to be some late nights, because I don't walk through my door till late, and by the time I change into my Amy Adams outfit, and start the stove going--well, it will be time to cook, soak, go to bed, and get up again!

But no one said my life was easy; believe me, being fabulous comes with a price!!!!!! So we are going to cook our way towards beef bourgenon this winter and when it is done perhaps by then I will have landed a husand! Or at least a man!!!!!

See you on the kitchen range, girls! Help me, Julie, Amy and Meryl!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, Girls, I Am On My Way!!!!

Darlings, let tell you it has been a whirlwind twenty four hours. Yesterday morning on my way to work at my glamorous, career marginal job, I get off at the subway stop to the office, and, still on a BIG high from "Julie and Julia", throw my arms out and cry out cheerfully "I feel like Amy Adams!" I mean, it was SO my Amy Adams moment that I am sure Amy herself would have been proud. And what happens. This homeless guy lying nearby takes one look at me, scrunches his eyes and shakes a hand at me dismissively! I mean, to be dissed by a homeless guy! Is this what my life has come to? But it tells me that even the homeless know who Amy Adams is, so there is hope for everyone!

This morning of course was my chance to be a domestic goddess a la Amy. And I still have to bleach the apartment,or at least the bathroom. But this morning--all by myself-- I made my first fruit smoothie! I cut, peeled, chopped and blended and it came out wonderful-bananas, strawberries and nectarines. Girls, I was so excited I wanted to call Amy. But she is too busy with her movie, and deservedly so!!!!! Now I am going to get a dish wand to clean my blender,
and maybe even make some simple pasta dish with sauce which I can take to work for lunch or dinner all week! Darlings, I am getting in touch with my Amy-ness and I LOVE it!!!!!

Maybe by early winter I will be ready for boeuf bourgenon! In the meantime, it is back to all this work, girls, and then I have to go into the city, looking my best to sing and schmooze! Darlings, with my life it does not let up for a second. Stay tuned for more, darlings, there will surely be more to follow!

Love to all, girls!

Girls, The Day Is Winding Down, And I Am Not Through Yet!!!!

Honey, I am telling you, I still have to go home, food shop and prepare for my culinary voyage so I can feel like Amy Adams, if only I could look like her. But just a few minutes ago, girl, I met this guy--Mark--and there was a definite sexual attraction. He was wearing a collar and I think he wants me to dominate him, which is fine if I can get him to--clean my apartment, put up some new shades, put up some posters; I mean, if one is going to have a Slave, one should get something out of it than milked testicles!!!! Oh, darlings, aren't I just too much!

Guess you can tell it is Saturday night and I am without a man. Do you think Amy Adams has this problem? Hell, no! Maybe I should have lyposuction; I feel right now like Al Roker, who is still a porker, by the way!!!!

Darling, what does a girl have to do to land a husband? I hope all this cooking and cleaning pays off. Tomorrow I have to get up and bleach my apartment so it is like a gardenia scented garden instead of the putrid mess it is NOW. At least it does not smell like a dead cow, like the meeting room I was in earlier!!!!

So just like Amy it is uptown, the #7 and more of "Julie and Julia." See you in your panties, girls!!!!!!!!!11

Is It Actually Possible To Meet A Life Partner At "Julie and Julia?"

Sweethearts, by now that question must be asked. With the film over 24 hours in release, piling up viewers and box office receipts alike, I have to wonder about all the people going to see this, especially those men who are gay, and don't tell there are not more than just a litttle of you out there, even you Chelsea gym freaks, that are going to see this film!!!!

In a way, there are two questions here. The first can be answered with a resounding "Yes," because the percentage of gay men at this movie will be considerably more than even that at, say, "G.I. Joe!" Remember something about gay men--we may like gorgegous masculine bodies, but we also have incredible aesthetic taste. And this is where 'Julie' wins hands down over 'Joe!'.

More to the point, the question to ask is--how does one meet a partner at "Julie and Julia?"
Forget the obvious--do not TROLL outside or especially inside the theater Men's Room, unless you want to be targeted as a pedophile . There may be no children at "J and J," but be sure there are still plenty next door at 'Harry Potter,' and theater custodians are well aware of these salient points.

The best way to meet at this film--and I plan this on my next viewing--is to stand unobtrusively near a bench and make like you are organizing yourself for the return to the outside world, and make an conspicuopus rermark about the film, book, AMY or MERYL, which will hopefully bring someone over that you can engage in conversation with, and go for coffee.
Maybe there will even be sexual atttraction, although let's not hope for two much right away, girls. But with this film certain to be around for a long time, opportunities abound, so don't say I did not tell you to take advantage of them.

See you at the movies, girls!!!!!!!!!!!

What Accounts For Things, I Wonder!!!!!!!

Some of you who just read my previous post may wonder how on earth I ever got this way. At this point in my middle age it is certainly unfashionable to blame things on one's parents--hell by the time we reach our forties we have hopefully moved beyond that, as, parents or not, we see through others of our own generation, what our parents had to go through and that it was not so easy. And while my parents did so many right things--guiding me to "The Wizard Of Oz", darlings (an act they came later to regret), keeping me out of Catholic school, and instilling in me the manners of a Miss Porter's graduate, there was just one tiny thing involving my education on which they went amiss.

Now, you have to understand, in the suburbia--WHITE suburubia, honey--of another era, there were three elementary schools in the town I grew up. The one that was actually in our district was considered the best by far, and all the socially prominent families sent their children there. So for kindegarten, I was rightly enrolled there. BUT, being the brillilant, unconventional child I already was, showing evidence of the adult I was later to become, kindegarten and I did not take kindly to each other, resulting in my being held back a year. At the age of 6, this meant nothing to me, and for reasons I was then too young to understand, my parents took it pretty hard. Me, I just blithely went about my summer, playing, not really thinking about school, but knowing full well that come Fall I would be back in the same school in the same classroom, with a new set of classmates. Big deal.

About three weeks before school started, I was informed that I would NOT be returning to the school I had been to the year before, with which I was already familiar. I was being sent to what turned out to be the worst of the three schools in the community, a fact I discovered on the very first day, when the teacher clearly demonstrated that she was a witch who should not be dealing with children, still bears the distinction of being the ONLY teacher who ever made me cry, and clearly HATED what she was doing!!!! How much did I learn? Nothing!!!! How much did I know? A lot more than my classmates, who even at this early age my snob instincts could recognize as being intellectually and socio-economically inferior to me. For this, I disovered was where the dumb children from the Wrong Side of the Tracks were sent, like Linda Johnson, whose mother was a waitress, for God's sake, and who to this day thinks (Linda, I mean, that food from New Jersey is the greatest! I mean, what the hell is wrong with these people). But what could you expect of people who lived in the section of town known as Goat Alley, where blue collar workers and waitresses lived, and whose daughters were gulping pencillin by the time they reached puberty. THIS is what my parents saw fit to expose me to???? Just because kindegarten did not work out the first time? Who were they punishing--me or themselves????

It turned out it felt more like me being punished, because in First Grade my teacher hated the fact that I could read better than anyone in the class, wanted homework, and berated me when I attempted my version of cursive writing, thinking she would understand and then correctly try to teach me. The rest of my years were this way--teachers who wanted to keep me at a certain level, wanting me to read juvenalia, when I was ready for Dickens and Melville!!!
Yes, darlings!!!!!

And the result of all this!!!! Social stigmatization! Because of where I was sent, by the time all the school convened in Junior High, I was placed below where I should have been, denied Algebra in the 8th Grade even though I had the grades, with the same thing happening in high school with Honor Society, though I was a whirlwind on the paper, in the choir and onstage!!!!!
Not even encouraged to take AP English, where I showed them up in college by being omitted from Freshman English after only 3 weeks. And not having needed to take it at all!!!!! So fuck you to the first twelve years!!!!!!!

The end result of course was low self-esteem which permeated into career marginality simply because my parents made the mistake of sending me to the wrong school. But chickens come home to roost, bitches, and boy this bitch is getting back at things now!!!! How do you like THEM apples--Mrs. Compton, Mrs, Cohen, Mrs. Beinhower, Mrs. Brodsky, Mrs. Behmer, Goat Alley, and Linda Johnson?????

Now, don't we feel better, girls! You bet!

Back to being decent and fine and PURE like Amy Adams!!!!!!

Girls, I SAW IT, And Let Me Tell You.....

....it was FABULOUS! I am, of course, talking about the film "Julie and Julia", which, in spite of my culinary failings of late, and despite it being a Friday workday afternoon, was PACKED for the 4PM screening, I manged to get to looking my most Amy Adamish!!!!

I mean, my mind nearly EXPLODED!!!!! Those gorgeous art direction shots of Paris, the dresses, the SO RIGHT lighting and atmosphere of shabby Queens. And then there is MERYL and AMY and close-ups not only of THEM but all this DELICIOUS FOOD!!!!!! Sweeties, it is almost TOO MUCH!!!!!

But I will see it again and Again and AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, MERYL goes beyond even MERYL!!!!! She surprised even ME with a performance that is so touching and engaging, and remarkably NEVER veers over into parody. Darling, I am tellling you, you will not mess with MERYL at the kitchen range!!!!!!

Nor with AMY, who is so radiant and CAPTIVATING, just like we all want to be, girls!
I swear, I just wanted to cuddle her, and hell, honey, I"m not even straight! I LOVED her black panties, though, of course, I would have liked to have seen them on Chris Messina, who plays her husband that AMY comes home to, which is something I sure as hell do not come home to!!!!
But, darlings, those scenes of AMY in her cubicle, arguing on the phone with idiots, trudiging home on the #7 train in the dark to Queens, where no one has even heard of Meryl Streep, Julia Child, or Amy Adams, and crashing on the couch--DARLINGS, THIS IS MY LIFE!!!!!!! Yes, girls, as fabulous as I may be this is what it is really like!

And to think Nora Ephron, whose junk I cannot stomach, directed this! Honey, I think MERYL and AMY just said, "Step aside, Norm, and WE will take over!" and took it from there.
It certainly seems that way.

Girls, MERYL and AMY have done more for me about getting into the kitchen than anyone. This could be my last chance to find a husband. Hell, I have tried everything else, I might as well cook!

So, thank you, "Julie and Julia". You and MERYL and AMY and Julie Powell have been a source of inspiration!!!!!!!

Girls. Hope I Surprise Myself!!!!!

The reason I need a MAN, darlings, is not just for rough, masculine sex. I need a man who is more adept mechanically than moi, which would include just about everyone out there. My idea of being Butch is to fix a door knob. So I was quite surprised when I rerecorded my phone message, called, and it worked. Let us hope that continues, it could be an omen to my future dream of being Amy Adams/Julie Powell.

Let's talk about issues, darling, which I was with someone elsewhere. The other night at my twelve step meeting this gay qualifier went on about how fortunate he was to be able to pass for straight. I mean, PUH-LEEEEEEEEEEEEZE!!!!!!!!!!! What about those of us who were not so fortuante? How do you think we feel? Why do you think we camp it up with "girls," and "darling" and the like; it is our way of saying fuck you to the straight world and these closeted Bozos. Honey, if you can't stand the heat, stay in the closet! I didn't see what passing for straight did for this guy, but honey, I can tell you NOT passing has made me the brilliant, creative, FABULOUS person that I AM, girls! At least I would know what to say to Amy Adams--if I met her--we could talk about hair and movies and designers! These Bozos have NO
CLUE! So go back to the Hardy Boys, guys! Or better yet, read The Hardly Boys!!!!!!!

Girls, Today We Are A Domestic Goddess!!!!!

Today is "Julie and Julia" day, darlings, and I awoke feeling as perfectly fresh and perky as Amy Adams. Especially after my morning beauty regimen. Then came the reality of domestic goddessness--it is not easy. I find that to make food you have to spend money. First, girls, would you believe I did not have a potato peeler? I mean, I come from the school of Cooking For One, where those of us lacking life partners either eat out a lot in order to keep up with our social life which compensates for not having someone for ourselves, or we crawl home to our hovels emotionally depleted from the neuroses of the NYC work scene, and cannot get any more creative than a pot of pasta or throwing some Stouffer's in the oven. Then along came Meryl and Amy, and this movie, which I expect would change all that.

It still may, but there is more challenge than I expected. In addition I need a cutting board, and a blender with a puree setting. That done, I have to shop for the ingredients--hell, for a simple soup I am going to out $100 by the time I am through. Did Amy Adams have to cope with this? How about Julie Powell? Help me, Amy and Julie!!!!!

Why am I so hell bent on doing this? Is it just Meryl and Amy?? Honey, it goes even further; to quote Cher as Loretta Castorini in "Moonstruck"-- I am looking where I have to in order to become a bride!" Meanwhile, here I am in a shabby apartment in Woodside that needs to be bleached and fumigated, while there are tons of brides all around me who never heard of any of the things I am describing, simply because they are not literate enough. It all fits a pattern!!!

That pattern, darlings, was wanting it both ways--raised in affluence while wanting a non-conforomist lifestyle, not realizing there are prices to be paid. And, honey, I have paid those prices--single, a marginal job that enables me to get buy but does not bring the fame to which I feel entitled, and unable to do anything else because it was made so clear to me by THE WORLD early on that if one cannot pass for being straight--which I certainly can't, darlings; I mean, have you been reading this blog?---then forget domestic bliss or the condo on Long Beach. Long Island, that is!

Well, you know what? As gay men, there is only so much of this crap we ought to take, and then we oughtn't to take it anymore!!!! So my kitchen foray is not just about Amy Adams/Julie Powell, it is about claiming my mantle--perhaps in mastering a few simple recipies I can cook for a man and then my life will take off. It can't hurt trying; I have tried everything else!!!! At very least I will develop some minimal culinary mastery, so that when I visit my father or sister I can cook for them!

But all this equipment, amidst being brilliant in a literary fashion on my day off, and hoping to catch the 4PM afternoon screening of "Julie and Julia." You see how challenging my life is , girls??? And every time I branch out there are more challenges. Thank God I am not taking up needlepoint!

So let us enjoy this "Julie and Julia" day and bask in our illlusions of being domestic goddesses. Wonder how skillful Amy really IS in the kitchen--aah, what am I saying, she and Meryl can do it ALL!!!!

Have a lovely day, girls!

Darlings, It Is So Much More Than Definition!!!!!

Whatever one may think about being gay, let me tell you, darlings, it is not easy. Not just the usual reasons--social persecution and exclusion, career marginality due to sexual orientation--yes, dears, we are talking about my life--but because there are so many definitions of gay from theater queens to vicious opera queens (the worst!) to Chelsea boys, to nellies, butches....the list goes on and on. Sweeties I am not sure what I am, what with my feminizing Diana Vreeland prose style and my panting lust for REAL men like Eric Evans who in my dreams pound my love passage while whispering "Fuck, yeah!" into my ear!

It takes a sense of fabulousnesss about oneself to be gay, and let me tell you I have it. Wait till men taste my Potage Partmentier, then I will have my house in Great Neck or Long Beach and can fly from the land of carbon paper to the land of flowered chintz, which my husband will buy for me! Darlings, how much more can one stand! Stay tuned when I reveal how and what made me this way. You will never believe it!

Tomorrow, We Are Defined!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I am declaring tomorrow is officially Julie and Julia Day, and you can bet, what with having just started the book, I am marching into my kitchen tomorrow to make Potage Parmentier, and then off to the movie to see the Divine Meryl Streep and the Enchanting Amy Adams. And all from the grubby, grittiness of MY New York based kitchen, in Queens!!!!!

A word, girls, about yesterday's remark regarding enabling, ethnic mothers. Now, some may see that as being a racist; honey, I am just stating facts. Woodside is overrun will all sorts of ethnic diversity, with my gayness, darling, being one of the most diverse of that diverse. And those of us who were raised in affluent white suburban neighborhoods never forget where we came from, so when we get to those urban settings we long to escape to in order to live our lives the way we want instead of proscibed, let me tell you there are things you have to adjust to. Baby, we are a long way from Miss Porter's. And that is not my existent snobbism talking; that is simply facts! If I were a true snob or racist, I would only have these people in my home as cleaning people or yard workers, assuming I had a yard! But to water just one crappy plant? And cook myself a meal? Honey, I can do that myself!

So appologies to Woodside if you feel offended. True, I do want to fly from the land of carbon paper to the land of flowered chintz, but right now Woodside does just fine, what with housing my books and other assorted gay memorabilia, which we will get to in time, girls!!!!

Looking forward to seeing all my girls tomorrow at our repsective kitchen ranges, and at the movies with Meryl and Amy. May all of you have a happy Julie and Juilia Day, darlings!!!!!!!!!

Get To Your Kitchen Ranges, Girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!

......And get them heated, cleaned and fired up! Because in two days, with the release of "Julie and Julia," we are all going to be in oour kitchens trying to cook up a storm like Meryl Streep while looking as scrumptious as Amy Adams!!!! Darling, I can only hope my hair holds out as well as Amy! And to wear that white dress that she serves the rooftop dinner in! Darlings, if I served a rooftop dinner on my building, people would fry, while planes flew overhead, because I live in Woodside,Queens, where I am probably the only one there who has heard of Meryl Streep, Amy Adams or non-procreative sex. There may be sex in Woodside, but it comes with the price tag of children, judging by all the overaged obese tykes in baby carriages being driven by their enabliing ethnic mothers, who are just too dumb for words! So march into the kitchen girls and clean, because soon our reps will be on the line!

Girls, Our Goal This Week.....................

.............is to go into our kitchen and cook up a storm like Meryl Streep while looking as fresh and radiant as Amy Adams. Darling, with my superb skin and hair coloring, I am ready to go all Amy right now. I have this FABULOUS recipie for Red Velvet cake, darling, and that will be my first culinary creation. Who knows what kind of mess my kitchen will turn into; maybe it will land on Oprah. Or maybe the two predatory Asian women who crawled into my apartment in my dream last night to try and take over my apartment and my life will crawl out of my oven and try to engulf me with their passive agressive sexuality, which I will spew by spitting cake batter in their faces? Girls, help me, how can I be like Amy when I am such a bitch? Would Amy Adams get all wrought up like this? You bet she wouldn't. She would just sail graciously into the kitchen, pirouetting and arabesqing from counter to sink to oven with ingreadients and equipment while creating an exqusitite concoction. Darlings, I wish I were as exqusisite a concoction as Amy. Then maybe I could get a husband and house and do something so that this blog would pay off with a movie deal!!!! Darlings, we all want our own movie deals? I sure would love Amy Adams to play me!!! And Meryl to direct!!!!!!!

Get those kitchen utensils, ready, now, girls! Just three more days to go!

Girls, What I Have To Go Through!!!!!

Darlings, I KNOW I am SO FABULOUS and I know all you out there, think it is easy being this way, but it is not. Let me give you some insights into my life--

At 5AM my alarm goes off. That's right, girls, five AM!!! Depending on what kind of night I have had, I either turn off the alarm or toss until six. But then it is out of bed because I have a FULL beauty regimen to do. It starts with my thyroid pill, and the making of coffee, continues to fixing my face, bathing, mositurizing, doing my hair, brushing my teeth, breakfasting with that delicious coffee, my legs curled seductively onl the divan like Carol Lawrence for General Foods International Coffees. Then I have to select my designer wardrobe and get into it--WITHOUT ANYONE TO HELP ME, GIRLS!!!!! I mean, not even a maid. Or a husand!

Before dressing I do my exercises--a brisk walk, stretching and yoga. Once I dress I start out the door. And darlings, by this time it is only seven thirty! Do you hear me? Seven thirty!!!
Not even eight o clock. BUT my hair and make up are perfect.

I know so many of you out there want to be ME because you think it is fabulous. Well, darlings, it does not come without a price and the price is a hard work regimen while the rest of you can sleep past seven thirty, take a shower in the middle of the thrid period, and not have to contend with irate patrons yelling 'Fuck you' at you simply because you don't happen to have what they want?

Still want to be fabuluous, girls?

Check back with me!!!!!!

Girls, This Is Is The Week Of "Julie And Julia!"

Girls, we cannot wait to see the Divine Meryl Streep and the enchanting Amy Adams in this culinary classic which is going to send me to the kitchen utensil shop and beauty parlor simultaaneously, because I want to cook like Amy, while looking like her.

And welcome back The Raving Queen, girls! Yes, honey, the bitch is back and this bitch has plenty to bitch about--everything from burreacucratic crap to beans n' franks lesbians! The last is enough to scare Stalin, honeys!

But back to Julie and Julia--sweeties it came from a blog and I am going to record my life so that I can get a movie deal from my blog. We are going to have so much fun, and we just cannot wait till Friday! So let's see what happens, girls!!!!!!

The Return of The Raving Queen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!