Girls, How Is One Supposed To Entertain Without A Full Staff!!!!

I mean, darlings, come on!

Last night I was forced to entertain my vastly intellectual book group singlehandedly. Girls, it shouldn't happen to us. This kind of entertaining went out with the dark ages of Ozzie and Harriet? Do you think Janice and Annette entertain without a staff? How about the Bouviers???
Even Patty and Selma!!!!!

Girls, at least the evening was a success. But I needed an attractive male something in a tux to answer the door, another to serve in the kitchen dressed as a French maid--in this case wearing a jock strap-- another to take my phone calls and maintain my appointments, and another to see to my window treatments and seasonally change the shower curtains. Is this too much to ask?

But darlings the discussion flew! Everything from Miss Havisham to politics!!!!! And don't forget the clean up crew afterward, all of whom are attractive men who look like the cast of Harold Craig's 2001 classic "Pumped Up." If my curtains aren't cleaned when I order them someone is going to get more than pumped!

Don't we just love being a bitch, girls! Now THAT is what' fun! The milk of human kindness flows in my veins! See you later, girls!

Girls, Those Fingernails!!!!!!!

Girls,

Alas with a new year comes also a slew of deaths and we have had our first major death of the year--and it is a sad one: none other than Malia Nurmi, known to a generation of us as "Vampira!" She died of natural causes at 86 but the sadness of her passing is the elimination of another key memory of the baby boomer generation. Girls, I can't tell you how I thrilled to her appearances in "Plan 9 From Outer Space" (featuring Dudley Manlove!!!!!) on "Chiller Theater on Saturday nights, where I saw such iconic classics as "Daughter of Dr. Jekyll" and "She Demons." As for Vampria, how I wanted to look like her! I mean, that waistline!!! And those fingernails!!!! I still want those fingernails!!!!!

Vampira and Brad Renfro--the River Phoenix death of his generation--have already embedded themselves in 2008's history as its first prime death. Now girls let us all embed ourselves in facial cream and get ourselves beautiful--use those gift certificates at Georgette Klinger--because spring is coming and darlings we have to be ready with our Easter Bonnets and then our bathing suits by the Beautiful Sea!!! This bathing beauty is always ready to be saved by a hunky lifeguard and whisked off to Great Neck!!!!!

Oh do it to me big boy!!!!!!!

Love you all, Girls!!!

Happy New Year, Darlings

Girls, I simply couldn't write yesterday, what with gadding about seeing films and drinking Bloody Marys not to mention sleeping off those from earlier the night before. Yes it is 2008 and girls we are looking forward to fun, fashions and books. We are also looking ahead to a husband and a Tudor house in Great Neck. Girls, this girl wants to fly from the land of carbon paper to the land of flowered chintz, because let me tell you twelve days away from the workplace makes me reluctant to deal with all the bullshit I will have to when I get back. I don't mean the work itself--I mean people who are so frustrated they see themselves as managers of capability that they are NOT and blame everyone and everything else around them on it instead of themselves!!! Girls, this bitch has had it with these bitches and 2008 may just be the year where I tell these losers what they need to hear!!!

But time marches on; hell we made it through one day already so we just keep marching to the
other 300 plus more. So let us welcome 2008 and overcome those obstacles we will have to deal with. Who knows, they may disappear on us and isn't that a nice thought!!!

Cheers, Girls!!!!

Girls, Let's ALL Be The New Year's Baby!!!!!!!!

Girls, we just wanna stay young, and there is no better time to acknowledge this than on New Years Eve when the clock strikes midnight and we pop out naked as the New Year's Baby. Let's face it, who the hell wants to see Old Man Time naked????? If you were Old Man Time--which none of us reading this are, dear--would you want to be seen naked? Would you even want to see yourself naked???? Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But a bouncy naked New Year's Baby can be loved by all, so darlings start 2008 right by parading naked in your living room and celebrating your emancipation of eternal youth!!! Because no matter what the New Year holds it has to start right!!!!!!

So let's all make an agreement, girls, this year we are ALL going to be the New Year's Baby!!!!!!!

Darlings, We LOVE Mother Ginger!!!!!!

There is nothing quite like Mother Ginger and Her Polshinelles. And they were on display last night at the NYC Ballet's 2000th performance of "The Nutcracker" since my birth year 1954. Girls, I am telling you, there is nothing like it. To float off on a bed of dreams after your Christmas tree has grown to size, to dance with a nutcracker who turns into a handsome prince!
Girls, I want to be carried off to the Land of Sweets where my Nutcracker turns into a handsome prince named Jake Gyllenhaal. MMMMMMMM!!!!!! Nothing swetter than that, darlings!

Christmas, New York, "The Nutcracker." Without, each would be inconceivable.

Have a lovely holiday, darlings, and may all your sweets be under the tree!!!!!!

Girls, What Is The Deal With Briony?????

Girls, we are so psyched for the opening of "Atonement" tomorrow, and darlings I am SO Briony! A country estate, social and sexual scandal, class difference--this story has everything that presses MY buttons, girls; they are popping off my blouse so fast in anticipation, girls, I will have to take them to the tailor.

People are getting all worked up over Briony; they practically want to burn her at the stake!!!!
Darlings, how many of us would not do the same thing in her position. And for that matter, Robbie was not SO innocent. A person of the lower social order--the housekeeper's son, for Heaven's sake--and here he is trying to infiltrate himself into their world by sexually absconding with Cecilia. THIS, after the Tallises paid for his education!!!!!

Darlings, in my world it is just NOT done. This would have been like if back in Highland Park one of the denizens from Goat Alley had tried to work their way onto the North Side. If Briony had been acting for these reasons, I would have cheered her on, but the rest of "Atonement" does not support this. Briony acts the way she did out of youthful indiscretion, and who, with the exception of moi, is NOT guilty of that? But the way people cry "poor Robbie!" He was an opportunisitc upstart who knew what he was doing when he set out to conquer Cecilia. He was not just trying to buy her affections, he was trying to buy himself into her world....a crime for which I can NOT forgive him!

Girls, I cannot wait. Have you seen Keira in the green gown??? I want to wear it!!! I should look so good on my BEST day. Sweeties, after a screening of "Atonement," we should all fly
British airways to London, shop at Harrods, buys books at Hinscher's, have tea at Brown's and dinner at Simpson's!!!!!

See you at the movies, girls!!!!!!

Girls, We Are All On A Voyage Of Literary Discovery!

Girls, such news!!! Today the NYTimes realeased its ten best books list of 2007 and I am telling you such surprises. Now I can't for the life of me what was on the non-fiction list--something about Iraq, I think--but I can tell you what the fiction picks were--

1.Man Gone Down by Michael Thomas
2.Out Stealing Horses
3.The Savage Detectives by Roberto Bolano
4.Then We Came To The End by Joshua Ferris
5.Tree of Smoke by Denis Johnson

I mean, who ever heard of the first two titles? But, girls, if the Times says it is, it is, and so we will read them. The Johnson book won the National Book Award which makes sense, and the Joshua Ferris novel, while good is simply this year's Flavor Of The Month--the young writer the critics like to tout as a Voice each year; the Times has been doing this since 1972 with Joyce Maynard (groan!) and Ferris is this year's choice. He is a better writer than Joyce--so would b monkey be--but his novel did not smack to me of awards calibre. But then no one important listens to my voice, darling, except when it comes to blow jobs, which is why I have this blog, where I can reign supreme!!!!

Sweethearts, we have lots of reading to do over the holiday season if we are going to make 100 books read--I am only up to 88 at this point--so I must do some reading. And as for my friend Vincent who poohs poohs my fiction out of envy--darling I am on a voyage of literary discovery.

So get on the boat, girls and start traveling. Meanwhile I am going to curl up with "The Meaning of Night" by Michael Cox--a surprise delight for those of us who love excursions into Victorianna!

Happy Reading, Girls!!!!