Darlings, Once Again It Is Time For Bitch Of The Week!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I have been saving this week's Bitch on purpose for this date and occasion, because tonight we are going to see the film from which she came.

The winner this week of The Raving Queen's Bitch Of The Week Award is none other than--Miss Carol Harbin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Who?" I know some of you out there are asking. Let me explain.

Carol Harbin is the daughter of Lucy Harbin, both of whom appear in the film classic "Strait-Jacket" (1964), featured tonight at the Chelsea with Hedda Lettuce.
This is William Castle's trash classic about a womman who REALLY does have an ax to grind!!!! She is, of course, played in all her garish glory by Joan Crawford, but let me tell you, girls, Lucy is one of her more sympathetic roles, because as her daughter, Diane Baker, as Carol Harbin, is, though you might not believe it, even worse than Ann Blyth as Veda in "Mildred Pierce."

At least with Veda, loves, you know you are dealing with a trampy, viperish bitch! But Diane Baker as Carol gives us this Miss Butter Wouldn't Melt In Her Mouth Virgin act, which has her horndog boyfriend Michael's tongue hanging out so far that when Joan shows up on the scene you can tell he is desperate to bang her! Hell, he is desperate to bang anything, because he sure isn't getting it from Carol, who with her pristine dresses and sixties hairstyle--probably changes her panties every hour on the hour--is clearly saving herself for marriage. Oh, come on!

Carol Harbin, my dear, was a girl from the wrong side of the tracks, who is trying to advance her way up the social ladder by marrying dairy heir Michael Field and becoming, yes, girls, a Dairy Queen!!!!!!!! By clamping her legs shut, she keeps Michael hanging, never dreaming he's gonna wanna bang Joan, and when she does her inner bitch comes out, because Carol is not going to go back to the white trash by-the railroad-tracks environment that she was raised in. Hell, even the trash section of my home town, Goat Alley, was more high class than that. Well, just barely. But Carol turns out to be the most rotten of daughers, because her act is part of her grand plan to kill her inlaws, frame it on her mother, and then obsessively have Michael and his fortune all to herself. Now, one cannot condemn a girl for wanting a rich husband--can we now, girls?--but to mess with Joan Crawford??? Honey, you are asking for trouble! And to try and upstage Joan??? Impossible!!!! Trying to drive her own mother back to the mental hospital from which she has been released by making her think she is a muderess again, killing her inlaws, I mean not even Veda went this far! Veda only killed out of passion and jealousy; Carol kills at a moment's notice. She is a truly dangerous bitch! We just LOVE her! Watch Diane in the scene where Joan lights the match on the record; you can see her dirpping with jealousy. Her Jocasta like speech at the film's climax is a classic, as are her histrionics. Sweeties, I don't want to say too much more, in case some of you who are reading this have not seen the film, and are going to tonight. So let me jut say--few bitches surpass Carol Harbin!!!!! And who would have thought wholesome Diane Baker could pull such an iconic portrayal off????

You have to watch out for those wholseome bitches, girls!!!!! We just LOVE Carol and Diane.

But don't try and fool ME with some virgin act, girls!!!! Believe me I have been around the track and know the score. Make sure you do too, lambs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, Have You Heard About The Mickey Mouse Plot?????

Darlings, Bonnie Hoxie! I mean, what a name for starters! But it only gets better--Ms. Hoxie, who I am certain, girls, is a REAL dime store doxie, is the high ranking Disney secretary who, with ber boyfriend has been accused of selling off company secrets to competitors, so she can live her Cinderella lifestyle fantasy of designer bags and shoes. And THIS on the day that "Sex And The City 2" opens.

Now, lambs, those of you out there who read me regularly know that we are ALL better than Miss Hoxie, because we all live out our designer fantasies every single day of our lives. As atttested by this blog, in addtion to being a cabaret, LIFE is one big designer fantasy. So you will not catch me or anyone who reads this pulling the kind of stunts Ms. Hoxie did. I mean, stealing from Disney, how low can you get?
It is like stealing from the Church, which pretty much comes to the same thing, since Disney was an anti-Semitic, anti-gay spewing heterosexist bigot, and the Church is empowered by bigoted pedophiles, and these Papas do NOT practice what they preach. And what they DO practice is disgusting!!!!! So a collaboration between the Church and Disney would not surprise me.

But in stealing and offering to sell secrets, Ms. Hoxie is guilty of tarnishing an image beloved to children, and thus tarnishing little innocent tykes themselves. Again, like the Church, but in a different way. There was a name for women such as Hoxie in Salem, MASS. and they had a pretty good idea there, back in 1692, about what to do with them. Throw the book at this degrading bitch!!!! Only for reasons which will be shortly revealed is she NOT this week's Bitch of the Week.

One thing is for certain. Ms. Hoxley will get a designer wardrobe. The kind that comes with stripes, and I do not mean by Cecil Beaton.

Make sure all your stripes out there are Beatonesque, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Remember To Do Your Patriotic Duty!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, do you know what today is? It is the official beginning of Fleet Week 2010, which runs from now through May 31. Thousands of sailors are coming into town, and girls, you must be on hand to welcome them. Anchors awigh, my boy, anchors aweigh!!!!!! Bring a lonely sailor home for a freshly cooked meal. It is up to each and every one of you girls what to offer for desert, but believe me I have some ideas. Or maybe he will offer himself as desert in exchange for the meal.

Fleet Week is when we all learn and earn our value as Patriotic Americans, and what could be more patriotic than servicing our boys in the Service? So run down to those piers, girls, and greet those boys as they come ashore. Just think of all that white and those prominent VPL's!!!!!!!!!!

Make sure you don't show yours, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Do You Think I Will Forget My Girls???? My Babies??????????????

Girls, I am telling you, it has been a whirlwind couple of days with not just the weather heating up, let me make that perfectly clear. Did you know that yesterday was a banner day in Musical Theater history? On the night of May 24,
1966, 44 years ago, "Mame" opened at the Winter Garden Theater. Yes, the overture played and Jane Connell and Frankie Michaels took those historic steps stage right to center stage to open the show with "St. Bridget," and the rest is history. And can you believe, loves, that the original "Mame" herself, Angela Lansbury, was last night, again 44 years to the day, playing on Broadway in the revival of "A Little Night Music?" Go, Angela!!!!!!!!!!! At soon to be 85, this legend of the Musical Stage is not about to stop anytime soon, and inspires us all, even those of us without vaginas!!!!!!

Alas today is a black day in New York history. Thirty one years ago today, a little SoHo boy, age 6, took his first--and last--steps toward independence, when he walked to school for the first time, vanished, and made Missing Child history. Those of my girls out there I am sure know whom I am talking about--Etan Patz!!!! For years, the whole thing was enshrouded in mystery, but let me tell you, eventually mysteries unravel, and I am glad I lived to see the unraveling of this way. It turns out this sweetie was abducted by a pedophile named Jose Antonio Ramos, who happened to be dating the Patzes babysittter. That babysitter should be held liable to, in my opinion. And according to Lisa Cohen in last year's book, "After Etan," Ramos happened to be a super of a building on East 10th Street, so after doing Etan in, he cremated him in the building incinerator, which is why there was never any closure for the Patzes, who had him declared legally dead in
2,001, when he was actually dead hours after adbudction on that sad day in 1979.

Darlings, turn Ramos over to all us bitches and give him a good working over. Turn him over to the Patzes and make him admit to their faces what he did, the scum. And smack that babysitter until she goes flying against the wall!!!!!!!!!!

No one who was alive in the Metropolitan area in 1979 could avoid any kind of POV regarding the Patz case, still the most reprorted and famous missing child case in area history. His name is now synonymous with a parents' worst nightmare, and in fact in his honor today is declared National Missing Children's Day.

So there is still a lot going on for me to report to my girls on. But mark my words, before we die the next big child mystery--that of Jon Benet Ramsey will be solved, and it will prove once and for all that Stage Mother Birch Patsy did her in our of jealousy. Etan Patz was solved, so was Martha Moxley. Jon Benet remains, and when that happens you know you will hear it first on here, darlings.

Meanwhile I have to get ready for my big romantic evening. Make sure your hair looks as perfect as mine, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kiss Kiss, Girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Art Who???????????????

Girls, remember that wonderful scene in "Splendor In The Grass" between Barbara Loden and Pat Hingle? She played trampy Ginny Stamper, who had just been brought back to her small Kansas town after running wild in the big city, where she had to have a.....gasp!.......abortion. She is having breakfast the next morning, and telling her family that she "wants to go to Chicago,live with aunt Blossom, and study art." To which her father retorts, "Art who?????"

Well, darlings, that is how I felt last night. While I was being escorted through MOMA by a very handsome and charming gentleman, we happened upon what looked like a movie being shot, what with all the lights, filters, and people hovering around the stage periphery like crowds at Lourdes. Sweeties, it looked like an outtake from "The Song of Bernadette," except where was Jennifer Jones?????

Everyone was staring at this woman in a period white gown, hair pulled back in a pony tail, seated ramrod straight, seemingly catatonic, except for little surreptitious movements which she would make, and the audience seemed to be hanging on this as avidly as if watching the "Psycho" shower scene. Lambs, we just did not have the time or the patience to fool with this, but as we taripsed through the museum, we noted that at some point the woman was joined by a man seated across from her a good distance, whose movements were also setting the crowd on edge. I mean, darlings, as Pat Hingle said, "Art who?" It just makes you wonder, sweeethearts.

Now this Thursday we have art of a very high grade, when Chelsea Classics, hosted by the great Hedda Lettuce, is again presenting the Joan Crawford classic, "Strait Jacket," which raises art to a level that has to be believed, and as will soon be revealed, is a brilliant meditation on the maintenance of one's social class distinctions in this society. Girls, the only thing distinctive last night about that piece at MOMA was the foolish way the crowd was hagning on.

Don't you fall for the crowd, dolls, keep moving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, This Week We Honor One Of Our Most Beloved Bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This week's winner is not really a bitch in the personal sense, but one who is adept at playing them. I am talking about none other than our current Bitch Of The Week Award Winner, and an Oscar winner to boot--Miss Louise Fletcher.

Girls, it's been known for years--if you need a bitch, call Louise. Nobody does it better, as Carly Simon says. From her breakthrough turn as Nurse Ratched in the 1975 "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest," to Olivia, the grandmother in "Flowers In The Attic" to Agnes Carpenter in "The Carpenters", a turn of the eye and a snarl of the voice from Louise is enough to set audiences atremeble with delight over what bitchery she will pull next. Honey, we cannot wait to see her in "Mother Dracula"--that would be a hoot!

And to think she is one of the sweetest people out there. Who can forget her touching tribute to her deaf mute parents at the Oscars, as she spoke to them in sign language before an audience of millions? Millions have thrilled to Louise's bitchery, and we look forward over more malice from her to come. I still think she could pull off the role of the demented mother--or maybe now make that grandmother--in a film version of Judi Miller's 1981 trash balllet classic, "Save The Last Dance For Me." Darlings, I would love to follow in Louise's footsteps as a first rate screen bitch. But till that day arrives we have the magnificent Miss Fletcher, and The Raving Queen congratulates her personally on this disttinctive honor!!!!!!!

We just LOVE you, Louise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Is Elena Kagan A Lesbian???????

Now, girls, I am not exactly preoccupied with lesbianism this week, though it certainly does seem that. I have sufficiently gotten over what will become my classic encounter with these butch dame on Sunday, thank you very much! At one point when I was recounting my story to someone, and began describing the ladies in question, one person piped up, "Oh, like Elena Kagan!"

Let us face it, Elena is no Blythe Danner, and there is a mannish matter about her. But is that just her careerist persona, or is there more? And why is it almost always automatically assumed that if a woman is not the glamorous type she is a lesbian. I mean, darlings, look at Bea Arthur!!!!!!!!!!! "Walter, do you still find me attractive?" I couldn't answer that question even if I were hetero, which those of you on here by now should know I am not. But no one ever asssumed Bea Arthur a lesbain, so why Elena Kagan? Of course if she is a lesbian, that is just fine, so long as she does not impose it on me. But until the verdict is in I cannot fully endorse the idea of a mannish woman being a lesbain. what would Tyne Daly say?
Look to confirmation, darlings, not rumormongering and gossip!

But tell me the minute you find out, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!