Darlings, Have You Heard About "Spring Storm?"

No, girls, I am not talking about "Spring Awakening," that overrated excuse for a musical that had the temerity to win the TONY Award several years back, because the geezers on the nominating committee wanted to show how allegedly hip they could be. I am talking about a 1937 play Tennessee Williams wrote in a playwriting class in Iowa, and, honey, I want to tell you, like all of Tennessee Williams' plays, it has everything--including a role that was designed for ME!!!!!!

"Spring Storm" is set in Port Tyler, Mississippi, during April of 1937. Its original title, taken from T.S. Eliot, was "April Is The Cruelest Month," which I can tell you from personal experience it certainly IS!!!!!!!!!!!

We have Dick Miller, a low class soda jerk from the wrong side of the tracks (and an antecedent of Stanley Kowalski) who wants to leave town and go into construction. Uh huh!!!!!!!!!

Then there is Heavenly Critchfield. Her family was at one point the wealthiest in the town--like mine on the North Side--but are now living on a past reputation, since the Depression drained them of all resources. Heavenly, who is pretty (I could play this, but this is not MY role!!!!!!!!!) lusts after Dick (honey, who doesn't????) and even loses her virtue to him!!!!!!! Gasp!!!!!! She is like the Janice Gonnella of her community!!!!!!! Her aunt Lila is a spinster with regrets, who wants Heavenly to find happiness. Her mother, Esmerelda, and father, Oliver, ill with stomach cancer, want her to marry Arthur Shannon, who comes from a similar aristocratic background. Now, Arthur sounds like me, but with a difference--he is considered Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Heterosexual!!!!!!!!! Excuse me???????? That last is something, mercifully you can NEVER call me!!!!!!! And this is Tennessee Williams, honey, so how can he be anything but homosexual. Especially when he was persecuted as a child by both Dick and Heavenly, for being studious, interested in books and literature, and so traumatized by it he was sent to school in England!!!!!!!! Now, that COULD be me, but wait.

The piece de resistance is Hertha Neilson who is--are you ready????? GASP!!!!!!!--a sexually repressed LIBRARIAN!!!!!!!!!! Honey, let me tell you, I am ready to play this RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hertha pines for Arthur, who rebuffs her, she runs into the storm, ending up at the freight yards, where she is struck down by a train, either in suicide, or murdered by Dick and Heavenly, who were allegedly driving the engine!!!!!!!!!

Honey, you can't beat THIS!!!!!!! Bring on Hertha; I am ready to play her!!!!! This is just like my early years in Highland Park. Fuck you again, Gloria Shapiro!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Spring Storm" is a Tennessee Williams bitchfest that indicts small town America!!!!!!!!! How can we not love it, darlings?????? So, feast your eyes on it, and see what all the fuss is about!!!!!!!!!!!!!

April is heating up, once you read this, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, To Think It Has Been 48 Years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, darlings, I simply cannot believe nearly a half century has passed since I made my First Holy Communion. What a day--my poor beleaguered parents trying to get me into the car, as I did not want to go because Channel 9 that Saturday morning (it was held on a Saturday) was showing "Godzilla" on "Super Adventure Theatre," which I had been dying to see for the past two years. I mean, it has "GOD" in it, so I thought it was OK!!!!!!!!! But this would not do, so off I went.

Then in the pew, I was seated next to Ricky Brown, who was one of the Browns, one of the lowest from Goat Alley--our town's Wrong Side Of The Tracks!!!!!!!!!! Back in those days, you could not eat anything from dinner on--I think you could only drink water to keep from dehydration-- until you received the Host!!!!!!! I mean, it was like a colonoscopy, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I had no problem with this, but apparently, Ricky did, though, I think, being from Goat Alley, he had gone without eating much longer than that. So, during the Benediction, which took place after Communion, he turned, kneeling in his pew seat, and threw up all over it, right next to me!!!!!!!!!! Darlings, you have no idea how disgusting this was to my more refined North Side sensibilities.

Things happened so fast--a nun emerged out of nowhere, grabbing him, and marching him out of sight into the vestibule, presumably, I thought, to be tortured!!!!!!! Then another came in and spread green incense over the vomit, till it looked like a fresh grave mound. I had to get through the next ten minutes of Mass, with this next to me, and me staring at it, knowing full well, what was underneath.

So my Communion was memorable, though hardly the Divine experience I was expecting. "The Song Of Bernadette" was certainly better than this!!!!!!!!!!! But each March 16, I remember this event, wonder what happened to Ricky Brown, and how I might commemorate the 50th anniversary. Time will tell, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God does NOT like ugly, girls!!!!!!!! So make sure you wear your best when going before the altar!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alleluia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Welcome To The Ides Of March!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, to think it is the Ides Of March already, with St. Pat's day two days away, St. Joseph's Day four, and Spring six. Things are on the way, no doubt. This day has always gotten a bad rap, thanks to Shakespeare and "Julius Caesar," but, honey, as a certified Theater Queen, I have always looked upon this day positively, because do you know what classic of the Musical Stage opened on this night??????

Fifty five years ago--March 15, 1956, at the Mark Hellinger Theatre, one of the greatest of all 20th Century Musicals made its debut--none other than "My Fair Lady," which introduced Julie Andrews to all us girls, almost a good decade before she took that immortal cinematic twirl. And Musical Theater has not been the same since!!!!!!!!!!!

I would guess the producers chose the date, unsure of how it would fare, so why not on this of all days???????? But, girls, it changed the complexion of this day entirely, so while you think about that, darlings, I want you to run to your bathrooms right now and fix your complexions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Ides of March, everyone!!!!!!!!! Let's hear it for fair skin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I Simply Cannot Believe It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, the way this theater season has been, you cannot blame me for getting all worked up about the forthcoming revival of Lillian Hellman's seminal classic, "The Children's Hour", mentioned a few weeks back. Remember, girls?????????

Well, I recently found out Ellen Burstyn will be enacting the role of Grandmother Ameilia Tilford, and you know she will be fabulous. Though, admittedly, Fay Bainter in the now half century old 1961 movie, will be a tough act to follow!!!!!

As will be Miriam Hopkins, as Martha Dobie's aunt, Mrs. Lily Mortar. You know who is playing that part, loves??????? None other than former "Hester Street" star, Carol Kane, who should be terrific. That is certainly good news.

However, I am afraid the whole thing will fall apart like a giant souflee, and once, again, it is due to the crucial casting, or once again, in this case, miscating, of the pivotal role of Mary Tilford.

This role, that of a 12 year old school girl, immortalized onscreen by the great Bonita Granville in the 1936 "These Three," is being played now by an unknown Britisher named Bryony Hannah, whom I never heard of. Nothing wrong with that, loves, except for ONE thing--she is 26 yearls old, and looks EVERY day of it!!!!!!!!!!!

Are they trying to follow a theatrical tradition????? Back in 1934, when the play debuted at the Maxine Elliot Theatre in New York, its controversial subject matter did not allow for casting the school girls at the proper age--so all of them were played by actresses in their early 20's. Mary was played then by Florence McGee, who was 24, and like Bryony, looked her age. And though one, and now the other, garnered raves for performing this role, it cannot work when the actress is too mature.

I mean, darlings, this begs further the question of having ME play Mary--yes, I am campaigning for the role!!!!!!--because I look a Hell of a lot younger than Bryony, and NO ONE plays an evil child, better than I. Between my relatives and high school fostering so much resentment, I have SO MUCH to draw upon!!!!!!!!
I would win a TONY, and I want one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, darlings, pray that Bryony does not travel with it!!!!! And if the show travels, pray they cast a younger actress, even, if it turns out not to be me. Otherwise, it will ruin our dream of seeing a beautifully realized version of this still relevant classic!!!!!!!! Better than "Boys In The" Fucking "Band"!!!!!!!!

And if Bryony DOES travel, I will spread the rumor, once she is in New York of her hanging out at the Cubby Hole!!!!!!!! Not a place for MY darlings, I can tell you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So hang onto your kerchiefs, girls!!!!!!! The Raving Queen will NOT tolerate a miscast Mary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cast ME, you bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Let's Talk About The Situation In Japan!!!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, it is just terrible what has happened, and is going on, over there. It is easy to talk of earthquakes and tsunami, especially if you want to cover up the real underlying cause of it all. And The Raving Queen, dolls, knows, first and foremost, what that cause is, and why it is happening.

But first, the evidence speaks for itself. Massive shifting of earth, tumbling buildings and everything in sight, tsunami waves, especially along the coastal areas; darlings, as far as I am concerned, that can only point to to one thing.

It must have been......Gojira!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An enormous beast who comes out of the water to wreak havoc on land, especially when he is NOT happy about things. Which is certainly the case.

Now, I expect my girls would know, but some may not, so let me explain that Gojira is the more prosaic Japanese name for the dumbed down creature known to Americans more familiarly as.....Godzilla!!!!!!!! But after seeing the ORIGINAL 1954 masterpiece at the Film Forum, where things were not dumbed down, the anti-war message came through, and, best of all, there was no Raymond Burr, he will never be known to me as anything else but!!! To think Raymond Burr's name in this dumbed down version was.......Steve Martin!!!!!!!! What a hoot!!! Too bad it was not the real Steve!!!!!!!!!

But, as I said, ever since seeing the orginal film, I always refer to the creature as his true name....Gojira!!!!!!! Which is more effective, anyway!!!!!!!!

The whole thing is a social and moral problem. For centuries, the inhabitants of Odo Island, whose coastal areas Gojira inhabits, have, each Spring, performed a native ceremony of dance and tribute, culminating with a young girl being put out to sea on a raft, as an offering to Gojira...who is appeased, and there is no trouble. And said young girl is always a virgin!!!!!!!! Apparently, it must be getting tough to find virgins even on Odo Island, so Gojira is acting up!!!!!! I wonder if Odo Island has the Internet? The whole thing is a break down in morals, that has to be rectified. If chastity is not restored there, Gojira will continue to wreak havoc!!!!!! I mean, he knows who is a virgin, and who not!!!! He wants no tramps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, you see darlings, Gojira has been attacking Japan in a feeding frenzy, fueled by sexual longing. If something is not done soon, it will only get worse. I suggest mass isolation of nubile women till 18 (on Odo Island, that is) when they will have a continual sacrificial pool for Gojira!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's face it, darlings, it is too late for Virginity in America. Besides, we have have no Gojira to threaten us. We DO have Republicans, who are dumber and uglier, and I, personally would just as soon be devoured by Gojira than consort with a Republican!!!!! But we do not have to worry!!!!!!!!!!

So help Japan, darlings!!!!!!! Send them as many chastity belts as can be rounded up, because, as I have said here before, the convents are NO guarantee!!!!!!!!!!!

Gojira is no dummy, darlings. And he was not too happy about Joseph E. Levine dumbing down his story for American distribution!!!!!!!

Welcome to Kanogowa, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I Have Always Had My Issues With This!!!!!!!!

Darlings, last night a gaggle of gals flocked to the Quad Theater to see the documentary "Making The Boys," dealing with Mart Crowley and the importance of his play and film, "The Boys In The Band."

Now, I have always had trouble with this. It is well crafted enough, but is hardly a world beater when it comes to drama. Its historicity is that it got gay men, in a more represenational light, up on the stage for the first time.

But, in his quest for fame, Crowley in effect denigrated the homosexual male community in selling out to the straights by presenting a group of gays in their worst light, reinforcing every straight person's then--and yes, darlings, now--notion of what a male homosexual is.

Emory, who has the guts--as I always have girls, to say "fuck you" to straight social conventions--is presented as a sad, tragi-comic case. I resent this, just as I resent the seemingly advocating self-hatred running through the play. Hey, Mart, kiss my butter cream frosting!!!!!!!!!!!

Instead of advancing gays, it sets them back. Its historicity deserves an archival place, but to deify this claptrap to the level of high art is an insult to homosexuals, who know better than anyone what high art is. And for the homos who accept this piece...well, you are a disgrace to the community you claim to inhabit!!!!!

No more is this more evident than in the final moment, when Harold says to a sobbing Michael, "You'll always be a homosexual." I am not arguing the truthfulness of that statement. But when you see it delivered, darlings, it is like Harold is dishing out a death sentence. Why didn't Crowley have the courage to suggest--as I believe, and as Edith Massey said in "Pink Flamingos"--"the world of the heterosexual as a sick and boring life?" Now, THAT would have been daring. But Crowley just sold out to the straights by telling and giving them exactly what they wanted to hear, and not what the gay community needed.

Still, the documentary is not as anger inducing as the play. It explores artistic creativity, the quest for fame, the history of New York theater, circa the 60's, and the difficulties of making it in the business. And we learn that if not for Natalie Wood, there would have been no "Boys In The Band." Not that Natalie is to blame for its negativity. But at least she extended Mart Crowley a helping hand.

So, girls, I would see this film, but don't take its subject any more seriously than acknowledging it as an historical artifact.

Darlings, from childhood, I knew I was BETTER than everyone else, including this bunch of losers. Don't you get sucked into this crap!!!!! Suck something else instead, you bitches, even a lollipop!!!!!!!!!

Still, we had a fabulous night! It was Girls Night Out, and they turned out for 'The Boys.'

Darlings, THIS Was THE Social Event Of The Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"So you met someone who set you back on your heels!
Goody Goody!
"So you met someone, and now you know how it feels!
Goody Goody!"

Girls, let me tell you, a lot can happen in 40 years. And no greater proof of this was given than last eve. Who would have thought, 40 years ago, when we were both 16, at the Fox Theatre in Wood bridge, New Jersey, that my friend, Doug, and I would be seeing it again four decades hence at the Chelsea CLearview on a rain soaked Thursday eve??????????????

It could only happen to the Raving Queen, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can tell you Doug has been obsessed with this film ever since we saw it, though I don't quite get why. I had retained bits and pieces of it--like child actress of that era, Miss Pamelyn Ferdin, being in it, but who knew what surprises the film had in store. Who turns up in thif film, by Yvette Vickers (famed for her role as Honey in the classic "Attack Of The 50 Foot Woman") Helene Winston (if you watched TV during your Baby Boomer years, trust me, you would recognize her) and, as one of the kiddies, Robbi Morgan, who went on to iconic status as Annie, the first of Mrs. Voorhees' presnt day victims in the original "Friday The 13th." Who would have thought?

Let me explain what the film is about. It is about the consequences that can befall children who grow up having fag hag Moms!!!!!!!! I mean, have you seen Carrie Fisher lately????? What a mess!!!!!!!!!! And I thought I looked bad? Honey, next to her I am Blythe Danner!!!!!!!!!!!

Debbie Reynolds and Shelley Winters--what a pair--playu two Midwestern moms whose teenaged sons are convicted for a Leopold-Loeb type murder. The boys are given life sentences, which enrages just about everyone, so the two womwn are forced to leave and start over. They head for California, to start a new life, because Debbie, as Adelle is movie mad; she not only wants to teach kids to dance, I think she wants to get into pics herself!!!!!!!! Helen has moral and spiritual issues, helping out when she can, but wanting no part of the Hollywood scene. HEr first mistakes, loves, because you and I know that,,ever since Jackie Sussann wrote "Valley Of The Dolls," we have ALL wanted to be part of the Hollywood scene!!!!!! Hell, lambs, we are!!!!!!!!!!!

Before you know it, someone is stalking Debbie and Shelley, with every man, including Dennis Weaver at his most good looking, thrown to us as a red herring, while Shelley as Helen gets more and more loopy. Even Agens Moorhead as the Evangeliist Sister Alma loses patience with her--I mean, how bad do you have to be to annoy an evangelist?????????????

Everything comes together at the end, which is worth seeing for that moment with Shelley at the piano, the look of insanity on her face, as she is furiously playing "Goody Goodty." It is the greatest acting I have ever seen her do!!!!!!!!!

Honey, I am telling you, this film has so much going for it, it is a shame it is so frustrating. A compendium of every show biz cliche--from "Compulsion" to 'Baby Jane' to "Gypsy"--with breathtaking art direction, sets designed artificially with intention to replicate period 30's films, musical numbers and costumes that were nominated for an Academy Award; I am telling you, this should have been the greatest genre piece since 'Baby Jane.' But it fails somehow for one reason--the script. Henry Farrell can plot out a great story, BUT he has no facility with dialogue; hence, this film has no verbal bite, no great one-liners, so it is not as entertaining as 'Baby Jane' or 'Charlotte'. Additionally, Curtins Harrington filled in as Robert Aldrich (wonder why he did not take it?) and while theere is good filmmaking, evidencing what would follow 16 years later in "L.A. Confidential," seems confused as to how to approach the material. There is definitely high camp, but it comes from only ONE major actress--the great Agnes Moorhead in her one scene role as Sister Alma. The two campiest moments in the film come from children--the little girl playing Dennis Weaver's daughter, enrolled in Adele's dance class, with the most ersatz Shirley Temple wig imaginable, does this production number of "Animal Crackers In My Soup" that you have just GOT to see to believe. Center stage, atop the rim of a giant soup bowl, she skips and dances about, while juvenile creatures, like a prepubescent version of "CATS", come out of the bowl, dance, and get pushed back in. I swear, if this were put on Broadway RIGHT NOW, it would win a TONY Award!!!!!!!! Better than some of the garbage on there now--like "Spider Man!!!!!!!!" The Rosalie, another little girl, decked out in a Lillian Russell gown, does a version of "Oh, You Nasty Man," that would put a drag queen to shame, and suggests Jon Benet Ramsay. And darlings, for girls who KNOW--and I know you are out there--two of these moppets are Pamelyn Ferdin and Robbi Morgan, who went on to greater fame as Victim Annie in the orginial "Friday The 13th!!!!!!!!!"

The problem is Debbie and Shelley are never sure, nor is Harrington sure, how to play their roles--over the top camp, or straight. They waver between the two, but never find their way. Helen gets more loopy, but she does face up to some truths about her mental disorder, and what led their sons to committ the crime they did. Debbie wants sympanthy but she cannot see how her own show biz ambitions caused her to neglect her child, damaging him, giving him a hatred for women that led to his murder!!!!!! Then, several frames later, they are hootin' and hollerin' at each other, like Joan and Melissa!!!!!!! Make uo your minds, ladies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Harrington should have been there to make it up for them. Even so, the visual details, the appearance of veterans Helene Winston and Yvette Vickers, and the two stars make it a fascinating curiousity. It is even more curious that the film is not nearly as goood as it should be.

My favorite line in the film comes when Rosalie's mother says, "They're very interested in Rosalie at R.K.O." Darling, if that is the best you can do for your child, she is going nowhere. Unless these babes end up at Twentieth or MGM they will end up in strip clubs twenty years later, maybe getting lucky enough to be immortalized as the anonymously named Diana Nellis Dancers in the film classic "She Demons!!!!"

"What's The Matter With Helen?" is a classic that should be seen once. I can't believe I have lived long enough to say I first saw it 40 years ago. It just shows what make-up and moisturizing can do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Watch those reticules, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!