We Have To Check Again, Darlings!!!!!

What is it with this damn computer???? Will it publish. or what??? Get your act together, bitch!!!!!!!!

Girls, What Is This, All Of A Sudden, With Every Actress Wanting To Play Miss Havisham??????

I am telling you, how many times can they film "Great Expectations?" Doesn't anyone realize that David Lean got it right, back in 1947???? Recently, I spoke about, and showed you a photo, of Gillian Anderson, looking far too Cate Blanchett and Tolkeinesque in the role!!! Actually, if the still had not said otherwise, I would have said Gillian was portraying the title character in an adaptation of Hans Christian Andersen's "The Snow Queen." Which, actually, would be a good role for her, and is a story whose adaptation can always be improved upon, as none that I have seen have yet gotten it right. And just happens to be this fairy's all-time favorite fairy tale!!!!!

Well, now comes word another "Great Expectations" is being planned, and guess who is playing Miss Havisham THIS time?????? Are you ready, darlings??????

Helena Bonham Carter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have got to be kidding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poor Miss Carter. At one time, say twenty years ago (at least) she was one of the freshest faced ingenues we had, in films like "A Room With A View" and Howards End." But something happened along the way. Not just age, and marriage to Tim Burton, she got inexplicably blowzy, her bosom expanded (due to pregancy, and its aftermath). No longer an ingenue now, and having played Mrs. Lovett more like the Beggar Woman in her husband's abysmal film version of the great Sondheim musical, "Sweeney Todd," it got to the point where, if you needed someone to play a harridan on film, call Helena Bonham Carter!!!!!!!!

But Miss Havisham is not a harridan. And, being British born, I am sure Miss Carter has a working knowledge of Dickens; it must be in her blood.

Miss Havisham is a revenge seeking repressed spinster, hellbent on breaking the hearts of the male sex, which she wants to do, but cannot, as she has become a withered recluse, virtually a living corpse. So she uses her beautiful ward, Estella, which, while I have always wanted to play Miss H, darlings (honey, I lived it!!!!!), I wouldn't mind a crack at Estella, as it would be such delicious fun to break men's hearts!!!! Heh! Heh! Heh!!!!

With Carter cast as Havisham, I dread to think who is going to play Estella!!!
Lady Gaga, maybe????? Casting is so moronic these days, it would not surprise me one bit!!!!!

But, back to matters at hand! Anyone who knows their literature knows that repressed spinsters do NOT have ample bosoms!!! They are flat and angular!!! Especially so, in Miss H's case, as she has been living for decades isolated from th daylight, wearing the same tattered wedding gown she was jilted in, and having stopped those famous clocks of Satis House at 8:40. For Noel Coward, life began then; for Miss Havisham, it ended!!!!!!

The casting of Helena Bonham Carter here is completely wrong!!!! Now, if she were playing Madame Thernardier in "Les Miz," I think she would be perfect. I hear they are casting that one, Helena, why dion't you go up for it??????

And, truthfully, how many "Great Expectations" and Havisham interpretations, beyond Lean's, have gotten good reviews???? None!!!!! You think filmmakers get smart, but, with this, the 200th anniversary of Dickens' birth coming up, they figure Charles is now a cash cow again!!!!! Wrong!!!!!!!

Hey, I just had an idea!!!! How about Joan Rivers as Miss Havisham???? I mean, with those face lifts, she looks it!!!! Besides, she's got no bosom--never had--and she IS a withered crone!!!! (But we love her!!!!)

What A Tramp, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, We Need To Talk About This Film!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I wish I could say I was genuinely blown away by Lynne Ramsey's film, "We Need To Talk About Kevin," but, truthfully, I was not. I was more blown away by Lionel Shriver's novel of the same name, which I read several years ago. I think it works better on the printed page, because she uses an epistolary style. The novel is a series of letters Eva writes to her ex-husband, Franklin. Within these letters, you see what happens. And there is a tradition here. Within the realm of child pathology fiction, "The Bad Seed" in many ways set the gold standard. In the novel, the little girl's mother, Christine Penmark, writes a series of letters to her husband, delineating the situation as it progresses, but never mailing them. When she decides to do what she does (overdose Rhoda on sleeping pills, and then shoot herself) she gets rid of the letters, so that her husband will never know the truth. Which was her big mistake.

If any of what I have said in the above, darlings, sounds familiar, it casts a pall over the film, for as I watched it, I had this chronic, nagging feeling of "been there, done that." Even without having to read the book, one can sense what is coming, although the final atrocity (which Eva discovers only after she returns home from the school shooting) elicited genuine outcries from the audience, whom I could tell had not read the book--but these same outcries were raised by me when I did. If there is any novelty to the film, it is its visual style--which abandons the epistolary form of Shriver's novel, for surreal, snippets of distorted time, that, in the beginning, seem too gimmicky and confusing. As we settle in for what we know will happen, this style, combined with the sterile setting of the house--especially the interiors--this family lives in, keeps the viewer at a clinical distance, so the film is not nearly as horrifying in its impact as Shriver's book.

Moreover, with three different actors playing Kevin at three different stages of his life, there is no way for the audience to develop a relationship with the character, and offering an acting performance for us to judge. Each of the young actors ably go through their motions as required, without being especially penetrating or compelling. This would include, too, Ezra Miller, the nearly grown Kevin, who commits the heinous deeds the film leads up to. He is all externals, not letting us see what lies beneath, which is a poor choice, because the denouement is all the more incomprehensible. But maybe that is the point Ramsey is trying to make.

Or maybe that is the point she is trying to make about the audience. Having been saturated with similar enactments on the "Law And Orders," or "Cold Case," or "CSI," I have to wonder--have we become so immune to human horrors that, when they do occur, we are now able to react with a kind of detachment, rather than shock or outrage????? If so, this says more disturbing things about our society, and perhaps one's reaction to this film is proof of that. Ironic to me, was that, at the time I viewed this film, I was reading Timothy Benford's book on the John List case, "Righteous Carnage", which did elicit the shock and horror this film did not, not only because I was responding to something that had been a big deal in my New Jersey based past, but because, by today's standards, List's act still epitomizes cold and calculating evil. Not that the evil of Kevin is not apparent; the film simply does not offer any insight into it. Which begs the question of whether that is indeed the intended point, or an otherwise specious excuse. I leave that one to you, darlings!!!!!!

The real reason to see the film is a riveting performance by Tilda Swinton as Eva, the mother. Who, interestingly, despite Swinton's hardened looks, comes off as a more sympathetic figure than she did in the book. Eva clearly made every effort to bond with her child, even if she wasn't the warm, fuzzy, Mary Poppins type. It just did not take. And we are made to feel her frustration and horror on all levels.

The film examines also the suburban underbelly. Losing just about everything, forced to sell her affluent home and downsize to a house in what is obviously the Wrong Side Of The Tracks, Eva, in remaining in her community, becomes the town scapegoat. The scene where she is walking down the street, and a townsperson chats her up, then smacks her hard across the face, saying, "I hope you rot in Hell, you motherfucking bitch!" struck me as disturbing as the shootings at the school. Evil flourishes in all guises.

It may sound like I am highly recommending this film. I do, but with caution. Swinton's performance is the glue holding it all together, but the film is unsettling due more to its detachment than to its ability to provoke.

Nevertheless, when you come out of it, you are going to want to see "The Sound OF Music," or something along those lines!!!!!!!!!!!

The hills are still alive, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, Cross This Bitch Off The Social Register!!!!!!!!!!

It used to be, girls, that getting into the Social Register, being labeled a socialite, meant something. I am not so sure anymore. Because if this week's winner of Bitch Of The Week qualifies as a socialite (and she has been indeed labeled such) then world social standards have come way, way down!!!!!!!!!!!

The winner of this week's Raving Queen Bitch Of The Week Award is Kim Kardashian!!!!

Honey, the word "media whore" could have been invented for her. When it comes to attention seeking, not only does she outdo yours truly, she outdoes one who truly outdoes moi--Angelina Jolie, who, as we know, darlings, is no shrinking violet, herself!!!!!!!

From her scandalous sex tape, to her 72 day marriage to basketball player Kris Humphries (the record holder is still Ethel Merman and Ernest Borgnine for two weeks!!!!!!!!), to her ersatz, egocentric reality show, "Keeping Up With The Kardashians," Kim is everywhere at best, and a bitch to all!!!!!! You have to wonder how she keeps in the public eye, and who watches her reality show, because it sure is not me, lambs!!!!!!!! I have enough on my own plate turning out my OWN brand of reality show, which is this blog!!!!!!! I could care less about Kim, but she manages to get the word out, nevertheless!!!!!!!!!!

Why???? It comes down to two quotes--Jude Judy's--"Beauty fades, but dumb is forever!" and P.T.Barnum's "There is a sucker born every minute." I think Kardashian's celebrity comes from the latter--a lot of gullible folk out there (the type who would end up on Judge Judy's show, in fact!!!!!) who think Kim is the be all, end all, of glamour, or whatever their notions of glamour may be. God forbid these people have ever heard of Grace Kelly, Audrey Hepburn, or the like. With nothing to compare Kim to, no wonder viewers laud her to this exalted status.

Well, she won't get more exalted than Bitch Of The Week. Which she gets by riding the coattails of American ignorance. I can't fault the American populace for being gullible, but I can fault Kim for knowing that she is, in fact, screwing the American public, in addition to whomever else she has screwed.

In fact, she and Snookie should team up for their own Reality Show. Two who got ahead by simply doing nothing!!!!!!!!!!!

Nice work, if you can get it, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, This Is Like Me Getting Ready For Work, In The Morning!!!!!!!!!!

"...So I was making lasagna for Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor, and Halston..."

Girls, I am telling you, you have GOT to see the YouTube presentation called "Shit!Liza Minnelli Says." Actress Christine Pedi, who has impersonated Liza in some "Forbidden Broadway" shows, continues her dead on routine in a sketch that has her chatting with (allegedly) Lady Gaga, talking about Gene Kelly, Ann Miller, Debbie Reynolds....even Chita!!!!!!!!!! No darlings, not Cheetah, the chimp from the Tarzan movies (though he was an MGM contract player!!!!), but Chita Rivera, who is still going strong, and with whom I saw Liza perform in both "Chicago" and "The Rink."

The Ann Miller bit is my favorite, loves. I adore when she says, "I can't find my lipstick!" Honey, I go through the same thing every morning!!!!!!!

You have GOT to hear Liza's phone chuckle, her musical advice to Beyonce, and some of the musical interludes are a hoot!!!!!!!!! As if this isn't enough, you can see Christine impersonate not just Liza, but Carol Channing and Joan Rivers in a presentation called "Telephone", bedecked with scantily clad gay chorus boys shimmying and sashaying up a storm, which should raise some eyebrows, at the very least!!!!!!!!!

It's almost enough to make me do a presentation entitled "Shit! I Say!" But how to compartmentalize all that shit???????? And what designer should I scream about???? Ralph Lauren???????? Vera Wang??????????

But, of course, I don't need to do such a presentation, darlings, because I do one every day on here!!!!!!!! Permanently consigned to print!!!!!!!!!!! And where I don't have to worry about my hair or nails, like Liza does, though let me assure you, loves, I look a hell of a lot better than she, and not for one second EVER do I write this blog in my underwear!!!!!! Always fully dressed, dears!!!!!! Just so that you know!!!!

And after seeing Christine's dead on impersonation of Joan ("Whaaaaaaaat
A Traaaaaaaaamp!") Rivers, I am not surprised Joan herself does not get into the act, because, with her talking, believe me, lambs, the shit would never stop.

But I urge you to see Christine Pedi do Liza. If you need some laughs, or a great pick me up, this is it!!!!!!!!

Hey, Christine, I have a great idea for you!!!!!! IF you can talk the producers into it, or if you just do a presentation of it yourself, do Liza playing Arachne in "Spider-Man:Turn Off The Dark," suspended high above the audience, singing "Maybe This Time!" Sure to bring down the house!!!!!!!!

Have to go now, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls,Let Me Tell You, This Is The Most Scrumptious Cupcake This Side Of The Magnolia Bakery!!!!!!!!

Despite, darlings, how I felt about the production debacle that was the revival of "On A Clear Day You Can See Forever," I nevertheless singled out the two performers who together make the evening tolerable. Now, I would further like to single out one of those performers.

Namely, loves, David Turner, who, in this show plays, not Daisy, but David Gamble!!!!!!

From the minute he walks onstage, he is just the most precious little thing! To think he is in his late thirties, because, you could have fooled me, dolls; he looks as fresh faced an ingenue as yours truly!!!!!!!! And he truly is!!!!!!!!!

Not only that, but he can pilot a plane, having a pilot's license. Imagine, dears, being locked in the cockpit (wink!wink!) with him!!!!!!! Airline sales would soar through the skies!!!!!!! To think he was a resident of New Jersey, graduating from the same school Tyler Clementi did--Ridgewood High, but in the year of Tyler's birth, 1992!!!!!! Educated at Williams College, a master on the keyboard, David Turner is Renaissance, honey!!!!!!!!!! He could be my arranger any time!!!!!!!!

But let's get back to him in the show. He is so warm and engaging, you just want to wrap your arms around him!!!!!!! And he has the task of singing what is unquestionably the BEST song in the entire score--"What Did I Have?"

I have to admit, having never heard anyone of the male gender sing this, I was curious to see how it would come off. After all, as both a Baby Boomer and Theater Queen, I cut my teeth on Eydie Gorme's brassy rendition. I have been singing it for years, myself, girls, because Eydie taught me how!!!!!!!!!!

David's take is so interesting; he comes in soft, then builds, then goes soft again, for a big, explosive finish that not only stops the show, but practically reinvents the song. Darlings, as many times as I have heard Eydie do it, and later, via the Cast Album, the great Barbara Harris, no one ever elicited tears from me before, with their rendition. But David brings a poignancy and heartbreak to the song that had me sobbing!!!!!!!! I am sure mine was not the only wet hanky in the house, girls!!!!!!!!!! And shut up, you filthy minded queens!!!!!!! I am talking about tears HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are two things you can do, girls!!!!!!! I have it on record that there is going to be a CD of this production. Which in the case of some people (like Harry Connick, Jr.) may make it sound better, and can allow you to hear both David and the great Jessie Mueller without having to listen to the godawful script. So listening to the CD won't take as long as seeing the show.

Or, if you want to see either live, you could "second act" it, because that is when the better songs and moments do come in. Then you only have to see half of this mess, and without paying a dime!!!!!!!!!!

I don't quite know David's story, darlings, but for all my single "girls" out there, I think he is on our team. I don't know if he is available, as he seems to be rather reserved about that, not to mention he is probably dealing with stage door groupies every night!!!!!! I should be one of them!!!!!!!!!

But, short of being a groupie, I am telling you here and now--David Turner is someone to keep an eye on. Listen to his voice and bask in his charm; this young man is going places!!!!!!!!!

His next stop should be a cabaret act. Because an evening with David Turner would be entertainment magic!!!!!!!!!!!

See all my girls there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, THIS Was A Literary Event!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, not since last November, when I was seduced by Jeffrey Eugenides' "The Marriage Plot", have I been so riveted to a book as when recently reading Haruki Murakami's "1Q84." Clutching this voluminous text (925 pages), reading it with all the fervor of a high school student cramming for an AP exam, Monsieur practically had to tear it out of my hands at times.

Reading this novel is like riding a roller coaster. You get on, things start slowly, then, before you know it, you are racing to find out what happens next. What with walking into another dimenisoned version of our world, an Asian serial killer with an agenda, a prodigy authoress, a fanatical, cultish, religious Leader, and ties binding two folk to elementary school days, reading "1Q84" is like putting together an interlocking jigsaw puzzle, where all the pieces finally come together in place.

Sweeties, if you think I am going to tell you what or how, forget it; you have to read it for yourself. But, despite its mammoth length, I have not read so satisfying and well structured a novel in a long time. This is the kind of work that keeps the faith to those of us still interested in serious, literary fiction.

I know of several people before me who have read it already, or who have it on their to-be-read shelves. All I can say is, get this off the shelf quickly, and start reading, because once begun, you will not get get off "the ride" until you complete it.

My one caveat--while Murakami throws together an interesting mix, including a reference to Faye Dunaway and "The Thomas Crown Affair," he offers no mention of his culture's leading export--Gojira (aka Godzilla to the more plebeian!!!) I can tell you he is pretty peeved about it. But it could be worse--if Rodan or Mothra had been mentioned, there would have been hell to pay!!!!!!

If you have tickets to 'Clear Day', turn them in, save your time viewing that mess, and take up this book instead!!!!!!! How surprising that one of the first reading experiences of the year turns out to be the most satisfying!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I am telling you, it will have you craving miso soup!!!!!!!!!