Pretty Good Try, Last Night, Paula!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                  After our experience with Uncle Ernest, yesterday--and what an experience that was!!!!!!!--I wondered if either of us would be able to stay awake to "On The Case, With Paula Zahn."
I mean, that campy opening--the oh so serious music, the gray background and outfit, the letters. as the figure of Paula steps out of the mist,  like some sort of crime expert, rather than just the script reader she actually is, is a hoot!   Better to do it Max Steiner's way, like at the start of "Mildred Pierce," with the credits rolling over sand on the beach, as the waves wash them in and out!

                                  Fortunately, Paula had an interesting case, which raised some questions.  This was the murder of Michelle McGrath, on the evening of May23, 1994 (actually the morning of the 24th).  Now, Michelle had been a former homecoming queen, so, let me tell you, right then, I knew there was going to be trouble. Because girls who are homecoming queens or such, or who peak in high school, either come to a bad end, or end up not fulfilling the promise they displayed back then.

                                     Michelle came to her own, though it was not her fault. Well, not exactly.  It seemed that night, the fun loving 27- year- old was wanting to go bar hopping. I guess, when you are young, and in Florida, there is not much more you can do.  I mean, who has ever heard of opera or ballet????????????

                                         Michelle's killer, was Thomas Lee Gudinas, some 20-year-old sex sickie, who lived with two other roommates.  They all ended up at some place called Barbarella's, which, I am sure, is REAL class for Orlando, but wouldn't pass muster, up here in New York, where it counts.

                                           Also, if you subscribe to how the incident was presented dramatically, it seemed Michelle traveled alone. No groups, no girl friends.  And, darlings, you can say what you want, but she was dressed like a hooker--leather jacket, skit so short the breeze would pass through and almost thigh high boots with spikes.  Now, if you want to dress like this, fine.  But, if so, do not go about alone, into deserted parking lots, at night.

                                             Because that is where Gudinas was lurking.  He made an attempt on another bar hoppee, Rachelle Smith, but she escaped.  Later, she testified against him.  Michelle was in the wrong place at the wrong time. She was dragged to a spot between a wall, where she was kicked to death, raped, and then the killer stood on her. His roommates were not involved; they had gone home, but when Gudinas returned, and they saw his clothes and undies were blood spattered, all they could say was "Was she a good fuck, man?"  Real classy, I know." To which Gudinas openly admitted, "I killed her, then fucked her."  Nice!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                I don't know if Michelle was Gudinas' first victim--I think she was. This sex sicko is currently on Death Row, and awaits execution.   I would be happy to pull the switch.

                                                   This case calls several things to mind.  It is another nail in the coffin of Florida's reputation as the White Trash capital of the nation.  It is why the era of Miss Porter's with young ladies dressed in white lace, sipping tea and Madeleines in living rooms, getting an education or husband, has got to return, even if I have to hold such sessions in my living room.  Girls can't keep on getting raped and killed just because they want to have a good time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

                                                      Paula's delivery was her usual, schoolgirl earnestness. But the horror of Michelle was compelling enough to command our attention.

                                                         And to serve as a warning to all my girls, to be very careful, regrading their social behavior!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                             Strictly, La Chanterelle, dears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Oh, The Days Of The Kerry Dancers," Darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                         Well, girls, here we are--another St. Patrick's Day, for those who are  not Irish, and, even more, for those of us who are.  Funny, for all their Irishness, there was no mention of Scarlett and the Gang  celebrating this day, in Margaret Mitchell's novel, "Gone With The Wind."  Not even a shamrock to grace Tara!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                             In days of yore, this day meant Jack McCarthy and the Parade.  The Parade is still going on, albeit this year, with some pro-gay support, thanks to Guinness and a beer manufacturer, so we have come a long way, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                              Of course, the meal du jour is Corned Beef and Cabbage. The River Liffey turns green in Dublin, and I believe they do the same in Boston.  If I could stay home and celebrate, it would be reading some James Joyce.  Maybe even a performance of Molly Bloom's Soliloquy.

                                However you choose to eat, or imbibe on this day, go easy, stay safe and have a Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This Is What My Week Has Been Like, Darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                 Thank God there are no more witch burnings or accusations!!!!!!!!  Because, with the week I have had, plus my fascination with the opening sequences of both "Horror Hotel" and "Black Sunday," witch burning is on my mind.  There are a couple of witches I would like to accuse--just like Bonita Granville--and then burn!  Or, how about the white haired Puritan woman, in the opening of "Horror Hotel," who looks at Elizabeth Selwyn, and yells, "Wiiiiiiiiiitch?????????????"  I just love her, and also the way Patricia Jessel, as Selwyn, spits right back at her!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                   I prefer this sequence to "Black Sunday," because the former is going for accuracy, while the latter is going for glamour.  Barbara Steele, as Asa, is the most glamorous looking thing about to be tortured that I have ever seen, whereas Elizabeth Selwyn looks like me in the morning, before the make-up is put on.  After which, I sometimes burst out into a chorus of "Another Hundred People!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

                                   Now, I would love to tell you who each and every witch I would like to burn is on here, but, for reasons of expediency, I can't!!!!!   So, what I suggest, is to get Maysles Brothers, or someone equal to them, follow me about, with a camera,  during a typical day, in documentary style, and watch whom I point at, as we pass by them.  There will be the Witches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                    Ah, the Good Old Days!  Bring marshmallows and weenies for a new, modern twist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                    Who says I am the only flamer, out there????????????????????????                                

Thank God For Nancy Kelly, And The Coffee Pot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                          Quelle castastrophe, this morning, girls!  Don't even start with me about the bathroom; somehow, that was righted miraculously.  Maybe via Divine Intervention through Sister Camille, whom we listened to, this morning.

                           But, when I went to make the coffee this morning--the second thing I do after taking meds, and both are equally important!!!!!--there was a truly near disaster, which raised the potential of no coffee, in which case I would have become a fucking bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                            Our coffee maker, beautiful, yellow and striking, began filling up, but leadkng water at the side, simultaneously.  There was as much water on the counter, as on the pot!

                              This coffee maker, manufactured by a company called De' Longhi America, in Upper Saddle River, New Jersey, had cracked underneath--just like before!  The first coffee maker we bought lasted exactly, one year; this, the same make and style, less than that!

                                Clearly, something is wrong!

                                 But--thank God--the future is bright, because we are going back to the Fifties, with an electric percolator, unseen since the days of Nancy Kelly in "The Bad Seed!"  Which is why I call this "The Nancy Kelly Coffee Pot!"

                                   Now, you know, girls, know how much I LOVE "The Bad Seed!"   Hell, I have even played it!  And, when I was a child, my mother and I could have done a revival on Broadway!!!!

                                     Amidst all the high camp, hysterics and hair styles of this Fifties potboiler, in almost every scene when in a kitchen or dining room setting, there is that coffee pot!  Except when Nancy hauls out the open bar cart for Paul Fix, who plays her foster father, and Eileen Heckart, the nosy, suspicious neighbor, whose son, Claude, met death at the hands of lethal Rhoda!  Ad, of course, an open bar cart is just the thing you haul out to a recurring alcoholic!  I love, when Eileen just helps herself to the entire bottle; no preliminaries, go right to the source!!!!  Too bad Nancy did not take a swig; she needed it, dealing with Rhoda!!!!!!!!!!

                                   But, I am telling you, not since the days of Dorothy McGuire, in "Gentleman's Agreement," has coffee been so important to a movie.  So, till our manufacture problem is solved, I will  sip my coffee, as elegantly coiffed as Nancy, and purse my lips!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                      Remember  the famous "I Love Lucy Show," about the Phipps Foam Mattress?  The one where she sings "Phipps are great big bunch of gyps????"

                                        Someone should sing that to De' Longhi America!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Know Where The Malaysian Flight 370 Went, Girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                        Remember the now classic opening scene (actually, the best part of the movie) of 1977's "Close Encounters Of The Third Kind?"  The one, where, out of nowhere in the dessert, the planes that constituted Flight 19, which vanished in 1945, appear out of nowhere?

                           I believe this is exactly what has happened to Malaysian Flight 370, recently.  It has been alien  abducted, and, maybe some 45 years later, it will surface in a similar way, along with other remnants that vanish over the years, and in years to come.

                              But what disillusionment for those aliens!  At least, studying Flight 19, in 1945, they could see that our culture was advancing.  When they get their hands on the recent plane, and discover such things as "Fifty Shades Of Grey," reality shows, and the current obsession with winning a prize for everything, they are going to think we have really fucked up. Which we have. And I do not blame those aliens if they just toss the trash in the dessert, and leave us alone.

                                Make no mistake, this was done by aliens. Gojira is too busy getting ready to promote his latest  movie.  Mothra is too busy seething with jealousy, over on Infant Island, because no one is interested in she.  Rodan, Ghidrah, and Gamera are all retired, and living comfortably on Monster Island.

                                  So, the only explanation for this latest disappearance is an alien abduction.

                                   Mark my words. I bet Spielberg would agree with me. And so, were he alive, would Francois Truffaut!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"A Soothsayer Hath Warned, 'Beware The Ides Of March'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

                            Ever since Shakespeare accorded this date as the one on which Julius Caesar was assassinated, in his classic tragi-historical play, this date has gotten a bad rap.  Granted, there has been the 2011 movie, entitled "The Ides Of March," featuring Ryan Gosling, at his most luscious.  Which helps out a lot.

                             But there is one thing, above all, that saves this day from being a total disaster, because it bucked the jinx behind the Ides of March.  On this day, in 1956, fifty eight years ago, today, a show opened at the Mark Hellinger Theatre, in a day when no one thought it would ever be anything but a theater.

                              Not only was it just any show; it turned out to be one of the most groundbreaking musicals of the Twentieth Century!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                              That is right, darlings!  I am talking about "My Fair Lady."

                               To start this day right, at home, I awoke the house with a listening of the celebrated orchestral rendition of its famous Overture, one of the greatest in Musical Theater History.

                                 So, here it is, darlings!   Listen, and keep afresh the memories of a true masterwork of the musical stage!

                                   And--feh! on the Ides Of March!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I Cannot Wait For This Fag Fest Of The Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                       First, there was "Sleepaway Camp," in 1983.  Then  "Camp," in 2003, just twenty years later.  Followed by the real life version, "Stagedoor," in 2006, which was the real life thing, but just to good to be true, what with the "Gypsy"-esque going on between that Randi Kleiner, and her mother!

                         Now, it seems, all these elements are going to be combined into a single film, called Stage Fright!"  As soon as I read the summary, I knew I was in!!!!!!!!!!

                          Get this--"A snobby Musical Theater camp is menaced by a killer who hates Musical Theater!"

                           Are we ready, girls?????  Are we taking the day off?????????  I don't know about the rest of you, but I can tell you, I sure as hell am!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                             Minnie Driver and Meat Loaf are headlining this, which says two things.  Either their careers have REALLY tanked, or, as my Monsieur said, they are having the time of their lives!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe a little bit of both!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                From what I have seen of the trailer, (which I will attempt to bring to you; let's see if I am successful) I have to wonder if, in any way, it was influenced by Judi Miller's ballet trash classic, "Save The Last Dance For Me!"  In that one, a woman who was rejected for a city ballet corps does a real psychotic number on her son that outdoes Mama Rose, making him into the dancer she wanted to be, but he does not, with deadly consequences!!!!!   Who knows, if "Stage Fright" follows this trajectory, it could be based on Randi Kleiner and her mother!!!!!!!!!!  Too bad Randi is not in "Stage Fright!"

                                Which means it will be a real howler, the "Fag Fest Of The Year," as I called it.

                                 My only question is--Where the hell is Louise Fletcher??????????????

                                 Here is that trailer, by the way, dolls!  Enjoy!  And see you, on the aisle!